excerpts from email convo from BPD ex fiance to a friend. telling...

[rlhmm]

the responses and non responses speak for themselves, but i'd like to hear any comments you may have... .observations... .etc.  certainly fits with everything i have learned... .  BPDx: It really makes me sad I opened up and trusted you with my feelings and you act hateful and mean   my friend:  im sorry you misunderstand. you think you open up but you dont... .not really. i ask questions time and time again and you dont answer you dont open up. not being hateful and mean. im just trying to get you to show your REAL feelings... .so if thats hateful and mean to you then we'll  just keep it on the shallow or not even talk at all.  my  friend: or is it because i mentioned your ex?  Bpdx:   It was difficult to say what I did but I have been wired from youth to misbehave while conversely being told I was a 'bad girl'. Nothing frightens me more than the thought of living unmarried. Being alone. I am the poster child for insecure. I wish I could cut that out of my brain. It splashes off of me like a bad cold onto those I love and drives people away. Don't know why or how to change it.  BPDx:I cannot bring myself to mention whatshisname because I gave my heart to him and he not only stepped on it but threw acid on it before stepping on it so it was nice and raw so the pain would be even worse. So when you my friend, mention having fun with my torturer, I just grimmace and shut ears and go "la la la, I don't hear you, can't hear you" LOL.  my friend:torturer?  really? that isnt fair. he almost died because of you!  BPDx:  you're right.  What a tragedy. Real Shakespeare stuff, no joke. Sometimes its all timing maybe. But here I am now and it is what it is.  my friend:  yeah no sarcasm there... .thats just cold hearted. glad we didnt hook up id be a ___ing villain too right? well someone has to be the bad guy right? might as well be him. yup time to meet a creep instead of focussing on myself and another failed relationship. there you are suffering in comfort without giving yourself time to decompress yeah you made your bed.   what the heck    BPDx:I don't want to be the 50 year old bag lady living in a motel alone for eternity 'changing my life for the better' pushing my shopping cart down highway 99. Snif.  my friend: that is bull ___ fear talking now... .apply what you have learned from your psych books! study your issues to learn and grow!  thats how you fix it! BPDx: i will address my issues. I won't be alone while doing so. my friend:   i doubt it. you didnt with your exes. probably wont with the creeper either. theres no incentive to do so. so youll settle once again, lie to yourself about loving him believing it because you lie to yourself long enough you believe it.  the cycle continues... .

i'll stop there... .you all get the gist... .  she did say one thing that actually paid me a compliment though... .           BPDx: You see, what I wanted all along was a wedding so that I could support my son to be able to lift him from the nest comfortably but no one wants a 50 year old woman with a son who finds it so hard to survive. I tried so hard to permanently land what's his name for that purpose but he was smarter.      damned right i was... .her son by the way is 26... .





                                                       

[once removed]

"my friend:  im sorry you misunderstand. you think you open up but you dont... .not really. i ask questions time and time again and you dont answer you dont open up."

that is not a validating statement. this person is telling her how to feel and how to react.

" Bpdx:   It was difficult to say what I did but I have been wired from youth to misbehave while conversely being told I was a 'bad girl'. Nothing frightens me more than the thought of living unmarried. Being alone. I am the poster child for insecure. I wish I could cut that out of my brain. It splashes off of me like a bad cold onto those I love and drives people away. Don't know why or how to change it.  BPDx:I cannot bring myself to mention whatshisname because I gave my heart to him and he not only stepped on it but threw acid on it before stepping on it so it was nice and raw so the pain would be even worse. So when you my friend, mention having fun with my torturer, I just grimmace and shut ears and go "la la la, I don't hear you, can't hear you"

thats a pretty honest statement, followed by an invalidating reply and blame: "my friend:torturer?  really? that isnt fair. he almost died because of you!"

your friend seems to follow that by venting and blaming. "glad we didnt hook up id be a  please read               |ing villain too right?"

my friend: ... .is pretending to be a therapist, and digging a hole. "that is bull  please read               | fear talking now... .apply what you have learned from your psych books! study your issues to learn and grow!  thats how you fix it!"

frankly im surprised the conversation lasted that long. rlhmm, have you recommended joining this forum to your friend?

[rlhmm]

hello once removed... .no i haven't. there were many many more excerpts but i condensed it here... i'm curious, could you show an example or two of how he might have better responded?  i dont know if they are still communicating he just forwarded them to me and said hope this helps, i tried to get some answers for you and i think i might have found some. the last one being the show stopper.   

[rlhmm]

i'm afraid my condensing of the entire conversation may have changed the context of it... .i did so because its rather lengthy and many of her responses are avoid-ant and evasive... .if she responds at all... .

[once removed]

hey rlhmm,

i think this would be useful:

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm

this is a tool called S.E.T (support, empathy, truth). your friends intentions may be good, i understand that, but he is engaged in a circular argument(s), trying to make her see the light, and it helps no one. obviously, his methods have not gotten through, and he just doubles down, gets frustrated, and upon getting nowhere, vents his own frustrations, which in actuality, may make the situation more troublesome.

having said all that im afraid im confused and may now understand: is this your ex, not your friends ex? if so, very little point in me advising him.

[rlhmm]

yes, she was my ex... .he was just going to bat for a friend, "me" so i was the one being validated here. i was actually surprised at what he got out of her as well. cant fault him for that.

[once removed]

okay, that changes a lot. i understand where hes coming from, and like to think i understand where youre coming from. it feels good to have friends go to bat for you. a few of my friends expressed to me how angry they were on my behalf, and it felt good, it felt validating. to be frank though, i dont think this friend, no matter how well intentioned, is helping your situation.

have you had an opportunity to read through the lessons? i havent had an opportunity to read your backstory, what is your current situation?

[rlhmm]

almost a year out. nc except for this, no direct contact either way. none desired, he just did this on his own. the fact that she was using me or trying "to land" me for her ulterior motive was interesting... .also how callous she was about my suicide attempt, "thats real shakespeare stuff" just proves there is no love in her. im dating again much happier now. i wish her well... .but dont see it for her. one can hope... .

[once removed]

rlhmm, then i have to ask: why the desire for validation? why the need to analyze her statements?

im sorry she was callous about a suicide attempt. i experienced thoughts of suicidal ideation around five months out, it drove me to a doctor. have you seen one? suicidal thoughts, let alone actions, are a sign that we need help, perhaps even if we feel past them 

try to keep in mind she may have felt put on the spot. i dont have BPD, and id have trouble responding to your friends line of questioning too.

im glad you wish her well. thats a healthy attitude. i wish you well! how is the dating going?

[rlhmm]

one other thing i noticed, is that by her referring to me as her "torturer" and "whathisname" instead of my name, tells me that she still has deep seeded feelings about me that remain unresolved in her. its a shame and i get no pleasure from this in all honesty.  i guess by calling me her torturer is her way of projecting her own tortured thoughts about what she did and how she feels... .

[once removed]

but what about how you feel? i understand youre processing this interaction, it may not be readily clear, you may be triggered reading it. do you think you also have feelings that remain unresolved?

[rlhmm]

sheer curiosity... .maybe? keep in mind i loved who i thought this woman was... .it doesnt matter how much time passes this will haunt me for some years probably... .i only have a hundred or so posts... .i've seen folks with thousands... .why are they still here? this gd affliction rips at the soul. but yes i'm much better... .i come and read mostly when i feel i need the support and then i go away... .until i need it again. fortunately... .less and less. i want to thank you Once for your input and well wishes.  

[once removed]

i do keep those things in mind. im not trying to force your healing process, it is uniquely yours, just trying (imperfectly) to help you through it. youre welcome at this board at any time in that process.