She wants to meet before she leaves

[gomez_addams]

The stbx uBPDw is flying out on Monday. Her stuff has been shipped. She drops the car off Monday morning, and flies out at some point in the day.

She emailed today to ask if we'd see each other before she leaves.

In theory, I have no problem with it. However, she is unremitting in her quest to get me to admit to adultery. I think that walking out of a meeting because it's a blame fest would be worse for her (she hates when I leave the room when she's being verbally abusive or manipulative. Hates it.)

And what would be the purpose? Say goodbye? Closure? I'm almost thinking that nothing good could possibly come from it... .But I do want the boards advice.

Gomez

[enlighten me]

I would message her and tell her that there is no point as all it would end up being is her accussing you of adultery. I would say that my conscience was clean and I would never have been unfaithful but no matter what I said she would always believe the worst.

I would say that im tired of having to prove my innocence and if she wants to believe the worst of me just so she doesnt have to own her actions then so be it.

[Nope]

The only thing meeting with her will do is give her a chance to pull something else.

[Panda39]

She has been trying to engage you for weeks this is just one more attempt.  There is no reason to do this everything is settled and the marriage is over. If it were me I would not agree to meet with her.

[Slate78]

You aren't going to get the closure you want, unless that comes in the form of her behaving so badly that it further solidifies for you that divorce is the right thing to do. On the other hand, she could be super sweet and contrite and apologetic - but that won't last either. None of it is real. Do you want to continue being her supply or do you want to walk away and thank your lucky stars you got away? Why put yourself through that unless you have some need for the engagement too? Be grateful. Live your life. Let her go and damage someone else's life. You've been through enough.

[HopefulDad]

Do you want to see her before she leaves?  If yes, then see her off.  If not, then don't.  You owe her nothing on this point.

[enlighten me]

Tell her you'll meet her on the plane on monday 

[gomez_addams]

Thanks, everyone.

[ForeverDad]

You couldn't reason with her before, at least not consistently, you can't expect it now.  A brief meet might go okay, it might not.  Do you mean a less-unsafe place such as in front of the airport's security checkpoint?

In general, Closure in our cases is something that we have to Gift to ourselves.

[livednlearned]

In general, Closure in our cases is something that we have to Gift to ourselves.

This is so true. The tug, or longing, or whatever it is -- that desire to let down and be civil -- it's powerful. With someone who has BPD, the emotional limitations make it difficult if not impossible, not without voluntary intensive treatment for years and years.

"I feel I've said everything there is to say. I hope you find peace going forward and wish you the best."

Or whatever feels right to you.

During my deposition with N/BPDx and our lawyers, he asked to talk to me when we were done. I relented, and we talked privately for the first time since I left. He was so dejected and seemed to weary, it really tugged on my heart strings. He wanted me to agree to things, "It's best for S13 to have both of us in his life, to stop it with this conflict and lawyers and all this expense."

I just repeated that I felt this was for the best, that I agreed with what he was saying, and had a different idea about how to do that.

And then he became viciously angry and the swearing started, and he walked out of the room slamming the door in my face. 

I wish things could be otherwise when these relationships end. It's really sad how there's very little chance to end things amicably.

[Mrs. Hyde]

I have been trying to maintain no contact as much as possible.  I will have to manage a relationship with my soon to be exH for many years because we have a 1 year old son together.

It is a mixed bag of sadness and grieving but ultimately what I need to do to take care of myself.

He wanted to go for a walk together last night and I said yes but changed my mind.  I went to the dog park instead and felt so happy and free... .when I got home he was in the driveway and it was back to the craziness... .he starts accusing me of taking his son and his money and his home... .and on and on

He will never change.  His thinking is off and it will never change... .No Contact works best for me even though I do feel sad cutting him off

[maxen]

I agree with the others Gomez. It's over now, why keep it alive. Please do let us know though.

You aren't going to get the closure you want, unless that comes in the form of her behaving so badly that it further solidifies for you that divorce is the right thing

This happened a few times during my divorce process. My exw made a few moves that were so grasping and selfish and callous that it left me profoundly relieved.

[gomez_addams]

I agree with the others Gomez. It's over now, why keep it alive. Please do let us know though.

You aren't going to get the closure you want, unless that comes in the form of her behaving so badly that it further solidifies for you that divorce is the right thing

This happened a few times during my divorce process. My exw made a few moves that were so grasping and selfish and callous that it left me profoundly relieved.

Most of the sadness ended, and I was able to become more business-like, based on some things she said. She made it impossible to feel sorry for her. If she had stuck with how badly I "ignored" her during the marriage, I'd probably have continued to feel guilty. When she insisted she knew that I was unfaithful -- which is 100% untrue, and all her "evidence" is non-sense -- it caused me to question all the evidence of what a crappy husband I've been. I had tried harder and harder to be perfect over the past two-plus years, and I realized that I am a decent guy who tries hard. Sure, I make mistakes. And sometimes, I even come home from a rough day at work and don't even try. However, once I questioned all the absolutes (you always... .You never... .You are... .) I felt better.

It just took me a while to truly believe that I wasn't the guy she was constantly railing against.

It got easier to take action (what's the next step I need to take to get where I want to be). Whether that action was to actually rent a room for a month, or to make a settlement offer, or to not cave and give it one more shot when we sat down with the parish priest... .It gave me velocity and momentum. A decision is important, but it's like pointing your car towards (insert destination) and saying you will be going on a road trip. Until you pack up, gas up, and actually get the car rolling towards the destination you aren't really going anywhere. And that was huge for me.

Same with telling her I wanted a divorce. The slow migration from the staying board to the undecided board to the leaving board to telling her I wanted out and retaining a lawyer. There were things she did along the way. She insisted on coming home on this specific day unless I divorced her, and my concerns about violence are symptoms that I have a personality disorder. I believed or at least believed possible all the revisions to history she made. Towards the end I knew some of them weren't true, and it caused me to question everything.

It was like some movie where the protagonist learns the secret hidden truth. And that truth was that I can be healthy, but this marriage can't be. And I have to get out.

Gomez

[ForeverDad]

Have you watched Gaslight from 1944?  An excellent movie, a new husband subtly convinces his new wife to doubt her sanity.  And it turns out he has a nefarious purpose behind his behaviors.  That's where we get the term "Gaslighting".

Accept the concept that her intensity and emotionally compelling tactics did work on you for a long time.  As the relationship - and her influence - fades further into history you'll be able to be more objective about it.