Introduction

[CrazyCurls96]

Hello... .I've been on this website for awhile now, silently reading other people's stories and learning from them what I can. This is my first post though, I figured it's finally time to open up somewhere besides my journal. I first came across this site through my father and his girlfriend. They're both regular posters and he thought finding a community that would understand and relate to some of the stuff I've been through would be helpful for me. My Mother is un-diagnosed BPD. I'm currently not in contact with her.

Some background: I'm eighteen and just started college last year. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, and what memories I do have are either extremely unpleasant or are positive and involve my Dad who -bless him- has somehow managed to stick by me through all the years of mistreatment and stress I've put him through. Throughout my younger years, I was convinced by my Mother that I needed to give up money that I had -usually from birthdays or holidays- in order to keep our family going. There was more than one occasion when she told me that I could get a new toy with my money, or help our family eat for the week. This guilt still played a roll later when I, foolishly, gave her a small loan from the graduation money I received. By my calculations, she owes me at least $2,000.

My parents went through a long and messy divorce starting at the end of my eighth grade year, and I got sucked into my Mom's side of things. After a year long duel with depression -in which I attended online school and managed to fail every class- I was even more immersed in all of my Mother's lies, especially about my father which was extremely difficult since he and I have always been very close. Fast-forward a few years: after three evictions I went with my fourteen Y/O sister to live permanently with my Dad. Things got better after that and I actually managed to finish high school on time after a lot of hard work and a ton of extra classes taken alongside my regular course load. My Mother also -somehow- managed to fund a trip to Europe which really helped me get myself together and find what I want in life.

Although Europe was amazing, it also led me to actually trust my Mother, a decision I still regret deeply to this day. She promised to help me fund an expensive, private school education in Vermont and off I went, naively believing that for once in my life things would actually work out.

College was amazing, especially getting away from the toxic and stressful presence my Mother has always held in my life. Unfortunately, it soon came to light that she could NOT fund this education and I came home for winter break never to return to that school again and with $15,000 worth of dept that has pretty much taken over my thoughts since.

Now, I'm at a local college with a long commute and barely any friends, which is a huge change from the big group of people I became close with in Vermont. Because of the expulsion from my previous college, I don't have a transcript and have little hope of getting into a more traditional, four year college. I'm stuck.

Recently, my 14 Y/O sister got to go to a summer camp that costs a little over $5000. This is really why I decided to post tonight, I needed to express how hurt and secluded I feel because of all of the crap my Mother has put me through. It's just like her too, pay for the unnecessary thing my sister wants and completely ignore the debt she left me in and leave me to pick up the pieces of her mess.

That's all I have to say for now, I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me I'm going to be okay, cause it doesn't feel like I ever will be right now.

Thanks for reading. 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi CrazyCurls

It's great to have you here.

I am so sad that you have had such a difficult start to your life but I want to applaud the courage you have shown in posting on this website. It will lead you towards healing. I am glad you are taking this step early in your life rather than waiting until you're in your 30s, 40s or 50s like many people do.

I know it feels like life will never be right, but I can assure you that your life can and will improve dramatically if you attend to your own feelings and make your own recovery your priority. Your future will be much brighter. Always remember that. There is always hope and there will always be people to help along the way.

Best wishes

Lifewriter

[SadBPDdaughter]

WOW ! you have my respect ! I've only just begun to deal with my issues with my Mum and I'm 44 ! This is why i can say with my hand on my heart that you are going to be just fine ! Because you haven't dropped out or given up. That would have been the easiest option. So you are clearly a fighter.

The emotional side of things? Well that's not as clear cut to get a handle on but you will. My brother had his every need catered for, I was left to my own devices. But do you know what? I used to feel envy and frustration. Now I am thankful. Because it has made me a better mother. It has made me a stronger person. He, on the other hand, is 35 and has no concept of responsibility, and seems to go through life thinking of only himself. That's not very rewarding I would imagine. And as yet, has no family of his own to get that unconditional love from. Yes he has my parent's love, but it's conditional. There's a huge difference. And I think he has felt suffocated by that over the years.

SO keep on with what you're doing and make a success of your life. When you sit back at the end of your day, you will feel immense pride in what you have achieved YOURSELF. Good luck !

[Harri]

Hi CrazyCurls.  I am glad you posted.  I too believe you are going to be okay.  As hard as it may seem right now, you have a lot working in your favor including support from your father and his girlfriend as well as any support you will get from this site.  More importantly, I get the sense that you are pretty strong and will work your way through all this stuff.   It is hard work, but I think you are up to the task.  In spite of the conflict, manipulations, emotional cruelty and stress you have experienced you have managed to pull yourself out of the FOG that is a given when dealing with a BPD mother and what sounds like a pretty deep depression.  When/if you feel overwhelmed, remind yourself of these successes.  You have proven yourself capable in very tough and difficult situations.

Please keep posting.  So many of us here can relate and we can listen and support you.

[Kwamina]

Hi CrazyCurls96

Hello... .I've been on this website for awhile now, silently reading other people's stories and learning from them what I can.

Thanks for making this first post after lurking for a while, welcome to our online community  Reading the stories of other members who've been through similar things, can be very helpful indeed. Can you tell us about what you've learned most from reading those stories?

My Mother is un-diagnosed BPD. I'm currently not in contact with her.

Having an undiagnosed BPD (uBPD) mother isn't easy. I have an uBPD mother myself and know how hard this can be. Having your parents go through such a long and difficult divorce only makes things harder. You've definitely been through a lot. I also see some significant successes in your post, such as finishing high school after putting in a lot of hard work I bet that achievement felt very good and rewarding after all you invested in it

After a year long duel with depression -in which I attended online school and managed to fail every class- I was even more immersed in all of my Mother's lies, especially about my father which was extremely difficult since he and I have always been very close.

Many children of BPD parents unfortunately find themselves struggling with things such as depression and anxiety. Did you get any targeted help for your depression?

It's unfortunate that the whole situation with your mother also had an effect on your relationship with your father with whom you had always been very close. You and your sister are currently living with your dad. How would you describe the relationship you have with your father now? Has the relationship been mended?

Although Europe was amazing, it also led me to actually trust my Mother, a decision I still regret deeply to this day. She promised to help me fund an expensive, private school education in Vermont and off I went, naively believing that for once in my life things would actually work out.

College was amazing, especially getting away from the toxic and stressful presence my Mother has always held in my life. Unfortunately, it soon came to light that she could NOT fund this education and I came home for winter break never to return to that school again and with $15,000 worth of dept that has pretty much taken over my thoughts since.

I think it's only natural for a child to want to trust their parents. I am very sorry to hear that your mother failed to pay for your private school education. Unfortunately parents with BPD aren't always the most dependable people. My own mother also promised to pay my college tuition but never did. Though I was prepared for the event she wouldn't pay, it still hurt. Her explanation/excuse was: "I have to pay for my vacation so I can't help you with your college tuition"

Recently, my 14 Y/O sister got to go to a summer camp that costs a little over $5000. This is really why I decided to post tonight, I needed to express how hurt and secluded I feel because of all of the crap my Mother has put me through. It's just like her too, pay for the unnecessary thing my sister wants and completely ignore the debt she left me in and leave me to pick up the pieces of her mess.

Given what your mother did to you, I can understand why her paying for your sister's summer camp would make you feel this way. How would you describe the relationship your sister has with her mother?

That's all I have to say for now, I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me I'm going to be okay, cause it doesn't feel like I ever will be right now.

Thanks for reading.  

You've been reading stories here for quite some time so you are probably well aware that the healing process has often been hard for many of our members. But it is definitely possible to make significant progress and by making this first post you've taken another step on your own path towards healing

If you haven't already, I suggest you take a look at the tools and lessons to the right of this message board. They can help you get a better understanding of BPD and how to take care of yourself after all you've been through. You'll also find the survivor's guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse there. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 stages: Remembering --> Mourning --> Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. When you look at the survivors' guide, where do you feel you are now? What are the areas listed there that you would like to work on?

Take care

[Leaving]

Welcome CrazyCurls

Wow, your mother sounds so much like mine, it's very creepy! 

Live and learn AND hopefully remember how your mother is.  I'm sorry that your mother has hurt you and betrayed your trust.  Unfortunately, this is usually how they operate.  Please don't get angry at your sister and allow your mother to drive a wedge between you.  Always remember that your sister is also a victim of your mother's behaviors even though she's in a different type of role that serves your mother and may not realize it.  I too got sucked into the divorce drama and my mother used me to fight her battles and demoralize my fathers as well as retrieve things from the home.  My mother has also taken money from me, conspired to steal my inheritance and expected me to give money to others ( especially my brother who is well to do) when I have very little to begin with. Using money that way is just one way they keep us dependent on them, always struggling and down on life.  Money isn't everything but when you are struggling, you are vulnerable and stressed out.  I know you have a large debt right now but it's not so large that you can't tackle it.  Like most all of us, we've had to make sacrifices to undo all the damage from our relationships with toxic and abusive people.  That trip to Europe is so typical of something my mother would do for me.  She didn't send me to Europe but she would do something that appeared VERY ' thoughtful' every now and then to keep me at bay and not be able to label her as a totally selfish woman. She would use that incident as ammo against me anytime I would fault her for anything AND she knew that people on the outside who didn't know the whole story would think she was an exceptionally loving and nurturing mother with a very selfish ungrateful daughter. 

Stay positive and work toward solving your financial issues as well as becoming more independent. Be patient.  As long as you keep moving in a positive direction ( paying off your debt, taking a class) you will be fine.  Don't give up!

I would strongly urge you to keep journaling about these experiences with your mother because there may come a time when you will need to refer to the evidence to validate any doubts you may have and prevent you from getting sucked back into your mother's dysfunctional drama. My journal has saved me many times.   The sooner you are able to confidently establish boundaries, the better off you will be.  It took me a long time to figure things out and FULLY understand and accept that my mother is bad news and not by any means a good influence in my life.