I didn't think I'd find myself here today but here i am- i left.

[cloudten]

Things were going great. I was whiter than white.

Then a couple weeks ago... .things started to slide. I could feel that I was losing him. Even employees of his were contacting me asking me if he was okay. he wasn't.

well last night that culminated in a huge rage.

I do have to say I am proud of myself- I established a boundary after reading the lessons. My single-most important boundary was that if he ever raged in front of my daughter (from another marriage), that it would be over. Well, it took long enough, but last night he finally raged with my D6 sleeping upstairs.

I went upstairs and locked myself in the room with her. He yelled thru the door, banged on the door, accusing me of cheating (completely false on any level). I was so scared. I stayed in there for an hour while he demanded that I leave. Trust me- I wanted to leave- I just didn't known how to do it without traumatizing my daughter. Finally I went out to talk to him to see if i could get him calm enough so i could get my daughter out. of course that didn't work- I didn't really think it would i just had no other option. my cell was dead so i couldn't call the police otherwise i would have.

Anyhow- I managed to get her out with minimal damage... .grabbed the rest of my stuff- almost. he said if i left (mind you he was kicking me out) then we were over. i looked him in the eye and said we were over. and i left. as i was leaving he picked up a metal stool to throw at me... .or at something. i booked it. whether he threw it or not i don't know.

i got my daughter home to my house.

i am so glad i left. but i know that i am about to hit rock bottom. i know he is an addiction. i know i am about to go thru another post traumatic stress. i know i don't want to live without him. it wasn't like "i don't love you anymore" kind of break up. this was a run for my frickin life break up. i saw the changes in him, but i really didn't see this coming last night the way it played out.

so here i am. i left. i know the worst fall out is about to happen... .just with me internally.

i know people will say i dodged a bullet. i don't feel that way. the bullet ripped through my heart... .twice now. i think i simply dodged the rest of the clip.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I am so sorry you are here.  I am so very glad you are here.  If you are about to hit rock bottom, this is the place to be.  There is a serious gift available in this bottom.  I f*cking hate it myself and yet am so grateful to move (have to move) beyond the me that got me here.  Stay the course, hold onto yourself, and keep posting.  This board has gotten a lot of us thru some seriously hard, freaking times. We'll get you thru it too. 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Cloudten,

What a frightening experience for both you and your daughter. Well done for setting that boundary and sticking to it.

You are so right that these relationships are an addiction and that the real fallout starts now within yourself. I've been there and I literally felt like a junky needing drugs. However, I want to assure you that the desperation does pass. I took time to process the emotions that were coming up for me and looked back into my own past for clues as to why I was feeling as I was. It really helped me to get over the initial trauma. I still miss him, even though I am 13 days out of recycle number 6. In previous breakups, I have just cried and cried and cried. This time, I have felt relief and I have felt glimmers of freedom and of hope for the future mixed in with desperate need to see him. That's a big step in the right direction which has occurred over a period of approximately 3 months. I never thought I'd get through it, but I am beginning to... .

Keep on posting. It really helps.

Best wishes

Lifewriter

[disillusionedandsore]

Welcome Cloudten,

Can totally relate to your predicament,  been there too,  it IS traumatising,  it is shocking and it is excruciatingly painful to leave it all behind. I am ten and a half months out,  the grieving was immense in the beginning,  I wasn't sure I'd be successful at following through on my boundary but one hour at a time I made it to today and I do not regret doing so.  It's was the best decision for all concerned,  me,  him and in my case,  my little son. The adrenaline and cortisol from the constant stress response I lived with during the r/s has taken it's toll on my physical health (in addition to the mental anguish and emotional abuse) I have spent the best part

of this year with a therapist,  a physio and now lately with advice and help from a nutritionist.  Everything else had to give to recovering from this but like others say you find a conviction,  respect and a absolute love for yourself that you wouldnt think possible.  It is so worth it.  We are all here for you.  God bless you and your daughter

[cloudten]

Thank you all so much. I haven't started no contact yet- but it will start today. I think I have said my piece.

A God-thing happened... .my therapist called me just now and said she can't meet thursday but wondered if i could meet tonight! YES YES YES I can meet tonight! SO yay- going to therapy tonight and don't have to wait until thursday. best blessing yet today.

This hurts so badly. just so badly. i have been here before... .so i know it will hurt for a long time. but this time is definitely different. before i have cried and cried... .but this time i have hardly cried at all. i feel its different... .i feel determined. this will not recycle. i do not want this for my life. i do not want to have kids with him for fear it will be worse.

Frankly- i don't care if there is anyone out there for me. i am not even thinking about that. i don't care if i never have another relationship ever again. this one has taken everything out of me. There is nothing left to give.

i am so numb.

[4Years5Months]

cloudten,

I'm very sorry this happened to you.  If you think of being with him, remember how you felt at the exact moment he picked up that stool.  It could happen again, and he may connect next time.

May I ask... .did his rages start as self abusive behavior... .meaning he would say he wasn't good enough for you and leave YOU?  Or did he always "kick" you out?  Just curious.  I wonder if it starts with themselves and then projects onto the partner after a while.

[cloudten]

Good question- YES. Even today I have gotten texts from him that he isn't good enough for me.  I didn't think of being "kicked out" as a projection... .at the moment i thought of it as a response to him being hurt.  but it could have been a projection... .him thinking he isn't good enough. But in the past, he has definitely say he wasn't good enough in an effort to meet/see other girls, essentially leaving me.

[Kwamina]

Hi cloudten

I've been following your story for quite some time and I am very sorry that this has happened to you and your daughter. How are things now and have you been able to discuss what happened with your therapist? How is your daughter coping?

[maxen]

hi cloudten. i am so, so sorry for your situation. i join everyone else in extending all my sympathy and hopes for the safety of yourself and your daughter. please remember even when you're not logged in here that we're thinking about you and hoping to hear from you. keep writing it out and keep us posted - it's the best therapy.

A God-thing happened... .my therapist called me just now and said she can't meet thursday but wondered if i could meet tonight! YES YES YES I can meet tonight! SO yay- going to therapy tonight and don't have to wait until thursday. best blessing yet today.

that was a great gift! did your talk go well?

[cloudten]

So, i didnt know people would actually follow my story. It seems like its the same general story for everyone. Seems like 95% of them end the same way.

The more i have gotten to know about BPD, the more i am finding it in real life. I think it is much more rampant and frequent than the statistics claim.

Writing does help so much!

I have not gone NC yet. I am not sure how i will do that. I think i am just going to keep drifting. The physical distance is the most important part at the moment. I know i cant be physical with him what so ever. I havent seen him since sunday... .feels like forever. But i am starting to breathe a bit more as i am exercizing my freedom.

Interesting thing happened today- i said something about seeing or talking to my BPDX to my daughter, and she flipped out, started crying, asked me if we had to see him because she didnt want to see him. Then she clammed up. Later over dinner, i was able to talk with her a little more. She said she doesnt remember the fighting and only knows what i told her... .but part of me feels like she is not telling the truth. I think she heard more than she will admit. So... .i am back to that place of feeling like super protector mom. She did get traumatized to some degree... .so it was a real swift reminder that i need to protect her above all else. Not sure i took the trauma bullet for her.

Thank you all for your love and support.

Oh therapy was pretty good- never enough time! I got thru my whole story. She said the worst thing you could ever say to someone is that they are a bad mom... .and he said that to me... .and i knew it destroyed something in me.

She also wants me to write a list of the qualities i want in a new boyfriend. Honestly... .not sure her exact motive other than to make me realize my BPD is none of those... .  but i can't think of another guy right now. Its practically impossible. Anyway, the only other thing she said is that right now, this week, i need to take any measure i think necessady to protect myself and d6. So... .besides still texting with my BPDx, i have done that... .i guess i still need to unfriend him on fb too.

[Kwamina]

Hi again cloudten,

Writing does help so much!

I am glad that getting your story out in writing has helped you so much. You've been through a lot in a short period of time, things that aren't easy to cope with.

When you're constantly in an abusive or hostile environment it can be very difficult to think clearly or calm down. That's why I also find it great to hear that the physical distance has allowed you some room to breathe.

Interesting thing happened today- i said something about seeing or talking to my BPDX to my daughter, and she flipped out, started crying, asked me if we had to see him because she didnt want to see him. Then she clammed up. Later over dinner, i was able to talk with her a little more. She said she doesnt remember the fighting and only knows what i told her... .but part of me feels like she is not telling the truth. I think she heard more than she will admit. So... .i am back to that place of feeling like super protector mom. She did get traumatized to some degree... .so it was a real swift reminder that i need to protect her above all else. Not sure i took the trauma bullet for her.

Your daughter seems quite aware of what's going on. How did your BPDex behave towards your daughter before this latest rage incident?

She said the worst thing you could ever say to someone is that they are a bad mom... .and he said that to me... .and i knew it destroyed something in me.

Having a support network in moments of crisis can be invaluable so I think it's very positive that you have your therapist to talk to about these things

She said the worst thing you could ever say to someone is that they are a bad mom... .and he said that to me... .and i knew it destroyed something in me.

I can imagine how hurtful those words must have been, especially coming from him. It sounds like he was most likely projecting his own inner negativity onto you, quite possibly to make himself feel better for a fleeting moment. His hurtful words really aren't based in reality but only a reflection of his inner disorder. Keeping this in mind might help you not take what he said so personally. Perhaps it can also help to make a list for yourself of all the good things that you do that actually classify you as a good mother. Whenever you get faced with hurtful comments like this, you can than mentally counteract that negativity by going over your list.

Anyway, the only other thing she said is that right now, this week, i need to take any measure i think necessady to protect myself and d6. So... .besides still texting with my BPDx, i have done that... .i guess i still need to unfriend him on fb too.

I agree with the advice to protect yourself. How do you feel about being firm about setting and enforcing boundaries with your BPDex?

Take care

[Tim300]

cloudten,

I am sorry that you are going through this.  Hang in there.  In time, things will be better.  Things have gotten much better for me in my post-pwBPD life.  It sounds like you have a very good perspective on BPD, etc.  I agree with you that "95% of [these relationships] end the same way."  Solely out of my concern for others (complete strangers on the Internet), I sometimes worry that Nons who discover BPD will read unrealistic, wishful-thinking literature about BPD, and will try to forge ahead in these relationships.  The sad reality is that nobody can bank on their pwBPD being a "light case" of BPD.  A pwBPD may appear to be a light case for some amount of time, and some Nons might even exit these relationships just by chance before seeing how deeply ill their pwBPD is.  The cold reality is that every pwBPD should be treated like a vicious bomb that could explode at any moment for no logical reason.

[cloudten]

I sometimes worry that Nons who discover BPD will read unrealistic, wishful-thinking literature about BPD, and will try to forge ahead in these relationships.  The sad reality is that nobody can bank on their pwBPD being a "light case" of BPD.  A pwBPD may appear to be a light case for some amount of time, and some Nons might even exit these relationships just by chance before seeing how deeply ill their pwBPD is.  The cold reality is that every pwBPD should be treated like a vicious bomb that could explode at any moment for no logical reason.

I never thought of it as being a vicious bomb exploding at any moment for no logical reason... .but that is exactly what it is. I am so glad things have gotten better for you!

Kwamina-

My BPDx was pretty good to D6. They love each other very much- or did anyway. My daughter isn't the easiest. She has ADHD, and when she has bad days, it can be very frustrating.  The day of his detonation, the three of us spent basically the entire day together. It was not one of her better behaved days. She was very whiny and not obeying very well. He got progressively more annoyed with her. I was looking forward to her going to bed that night because i thought it would give him some breathing room for him to calm down. It was the opposite though. But before this, she trusted him. He was becoming a better father figure... .more confident in having authority, etc. He seemed to be growing more comfortable in a 'step father' type role.

I like the idea of the list of good mothering examples. I will do that for sure.

I can set boundaries. I think i need some boundaries for myself too... .but I am hoping after the weekend in the mountains, i will have an even more renewed sense of what i need to do. Tomorrow can't come soon enough!  D6 will be with her dad, so I will have time alone.  Although I wish she was coming with me. I agree, without a doubt, that my relationship with her is the only one i should be focused on. Being with my BPDx was definitely detrimental to my relationship with my daughter. I can't explain it- but I suppose I had to put so much time and effort into making him happy that I didn't have a lot left for my daughter. That's sick and sad.

[disillusionedandsore]

Being with my BPDx was definitely detrimental to my relationship with my daughter. I can't explain it- but I suppose I had to put so much time and effort into making him happy that I didn't have a lot left for my daughter. That's sick and sad.

This bit... .Absolutely unequivocally true! I can totally relate. Our children deserve our best selves not scraps!