Having children after being raised by BPD/NPD parents

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I've been NC with my BPD/NPD parents for a little over a year now, since around the time of my wedding. They are/were toxic, controlling, and very emotionally abusive and I don't regret or question my decision. My DH and I have had a great first year of marriage.

We've recently started having more serious conversations about having children. Before we were both undecided, but lately we've been thinking that it would be nice to expand our family. While there is a part of me that would like to have a child in the next few years, I am also terrified. I've spent so many years being my BPD mother's parent and mental counselor that I like having my freedom right now. I've done and continue to do work on figuring out myself as an individual and not just "the daughter" as my NPD father used to call me. As irrational as it may seem, I'm afraid of losing my newfound identity. I also worry about what I would say to my child when he/she is old enough to ask about their grandparents (my parents). I've already decided that my parents will not be told if and when I become pregnant - they ruined my engagement and there's no way I'd let them near me during a pregnancy. I also have no reason to think they would treat their grandchild any differently than they treated me. I would walk through fire before I ever let my child be subjected to that. I talked to my T about all of this. Her thought is that given what I've been through so recently, I need to give myself time to work through this, heal, and just "be" for a while. And I believe she is right.

I guess I'm just looking for others' experiences? What made you decide to have (or not have) children after being raised by NPD or BPD parents? How do you ensure that your children's upbringings are different from your own?

[Tiredbride313]

Hi everyone,

I've been NC with my BPD/NPD parents for a little over a year now, since around the time of my wedding. They are/were toxic, controlling, and very emotionally abusive and I don't regret or question my decision. My DH and I have had a great first year of marriage.

We've recently started having more serious conversations about having children. Before we were both undecided, but lately we've been thinking that it would be nice to expand our family. While there is a part of me that would like to have a child in the next few years, I am also terrified. I've spent so many years being my BPD mother's parent and mental counselor that I like having my freedom right now. I've done and continue to do work on figuring out myself as an individual and not just "the daughter" as my NPD father used to call me. As irrational as it may seem, I'm afraid of losing my newfound identity. I also worry about what I would say to my child when he/she is old enough to ask about their grandparents (my parents). I've already decided that my parents will not be told if and when I become pregnant - they ruined my engagement and there's no way I'd let them near me during a pregnancy. I also have no reason to think they would treat their grandchild any differently than they treated me. I would walk through fire before I ever let my child be subjected to that. I talked to my T about all of this. Her thought is that given what I've been through so recently, I need to give myself time to work through this, heal, and just "be" for a while. And I believe she is right.

I guess I'm just looking for others' experiences? What made you decide to have (or not have) children after being raised by NPD or BPD parents? How do you ensure that your children's upbringings are different from your own?

[HappyChappy]

I guess I'm just looking for others' experiences? What made you decide to have (or not have) children after being raised by NPD or BPD parents? How do you ensure that your children's upbringings are different from your own?

Congratulations on a good first year of marriage. I totally understand your reticence in having children, and the possible toxic environment. I’m also NC with my parents. I worried about picking up flees (i.e. traits from a BPD mom). But then I  read “Surviving a borderline mother” forget who by, but there’s a whole section in that which steps through what a normal up brining would have been like. My sister also teaches “good parenting classes” so I’ve done those and it just made me realise that I’m actually well formed as a parent. It’s the lack of empathy and love that kills a child, and those of us brought up by BPD tend to be groomed for looking after others, so ironically we should be better than average. So long as you have proper empathy and love, I’m sure you’ll be fine. A child need to feel save and loved.  

I know with my BPD mom she was an aggressive nag, so if we ever do hook back up, we just won’t leave the kids alone with her. Nagging/propaganda only works if someone can repeat the message enough so we may risk Low Contact. Watch out for the triangulation because no one in my family misses our BPD & NPD except her golden child who got use to extra presents and treats. It’s hard for a young child to turn away wonderful presents. Anyway Tired Bride 313 you can at least practice makeing babies until you decide for sure.  

[oceaneyes]

I think your T's advice to "be" sounds like a pretty good one. I think listening to your gut is key, if you have fears or are apprehensive at all then just take some time. Becoming a parent is a pretty big deal, no reason to rush it.

I guess I'm just looking for others' experiences? What made you decide to have (or not have) children after being raised by NPD or BPD parents? How do you ensure that your children's upbringings are different from your own?

I had always assumed I wouldn't have children, because I assumed I'd never find someone who'd want to marry me. I have a very invalidating, emotionally abusive mother to thank for that type of thinking. Once I did get married, I spent some time feeling neutral about it and considering whether or not I would want children. It might sound funny but getting a puppy really helped me realize that I'm not equipped to parent a child. I have spent most of my adult life repairing myself, and it wouldn't be fair to bring a child into the world that I can't give 100% of my attention to. I can handle puppies, and even children in small doses, but being a parent of a human child was not meant for me. I have a beautiful 1 year old niece and I'm excited to be as much a part of her life as I can be, and that's enough for me.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about why I don't want children and I think the fact that children of BPD mothers have to grow up so fast plays a big role in it, for me at least. I don't have happy childhood memories, being a kid was not a good experience for me. I was always made to feel like an inconvenience and a burden and I think that has molded my opinion on having my own children.

I'm sure everyone has a different story though, that's just mine.

[Turkish]

I think if you feel that you aren't ready, then you're not. However, I wouldn't underestimate the power of a small gift to change your heart.

I never had the experience of having a father, so it was just my mother I had to deal with. After many years of my mom wanting me to be like her ("you should adopt a child as a single parent like I did", I finally found... .my uBPDx. But that's a leaving board story.

The odd thing is that my Ex is the one who has the anxiety about being a good mother. That's her dynamic, however. I run on instinct. I know I don't have weird views about money like my mom did and still does, so my children won't suffer because of me chasing after get rich quick schemes.

I felt in my heart that I would be a good father, but I needed to own that feeling. For other reasons, some similar to what oceaneyes said, I never felt like I would have kids.

I know I make mistakes: maybe I'm on the phone too much, or maybe I let the kids watch too much tv, maybe I don't take them out to enough activities, perhaps I needle S5 a bit much when me emotionally dysregulates. I don't dwell on them, however, nor do I beat myself up about things. It's a work in progress. The fact that you are asking these questions means to me that you are self-aware enough to heal from your parents' emotional enmeshment to find your own identity. Contrary to what my Ex thinks about herself, I don't view myself as a Father. That's a role. I view myself as Turkish, who happens to be a Father. It doesn't define who I am. I define who I am. I feel that that is a subtle, but significant distinction.

[Tiredbride313]

Thank you all for the replies! Each post has hit on things that have been on my mind.

HappyChappy - Thank you for the encouragement! I haven't read "Surviving the Borderline Mother" yet. I'll have to find it. And I do have a tendency to look after others before myself - still learning to speak up and express my opinions and needs!

Oceaneyes - it's funny because I never thought I would get married either, much less be in a position to consider having children. I admire your self-awareness to realize that children aren't right for you. My DH and I are actually planning on getting a cat first! We figured an animal will be a good start. :-)

Turkish - what you said about viewing being a parent as a role rather than an identity hit home. My BPD mom had no identity other than being my mom. She always introduced herself to people as "tiredbride's mom", rather than with her name, even when I was well into my 20s and living on my own. I can't imagine myself being like that.

I've decided that while motherhood is something I still want to consider down the road, I'm not ready right now. I love kids, but I need time. I finally have a handle on my life after years of chaos and I'm not ready for another life change. My DH understands. We're both happy to just enjoy being married. And like you said happychappy, we can certainly enjoy practicing in the meantime !

[ghost0804]

Tiredbride,

I just came across your post and find myself in a very similar situation, although I am much more early in my stage of focusing on myself than my parents.  I am 29 and have been married for almost 3 years.  Both parents are borderline and mother is also bipolar.  It was just last week that I decided to go no contact and have only had one therapy session, but looking forward to my second one this Friday!

I can say that so often I feel the exact same feelings you have about children.  I have moved far away from my parents and over the past couple years have finally felt that this space has allowed me to live some sort of life without them.  I often feel scared about the prospect of children as I believe that I have spent my entire life thus far raising my own parents and being responsible for them and their happiness.  Additionally, as much as I hate to admit it I am fearful of the fact that I may pass the borderline trait onto children of my own and am uncertain if I could deal with that.  I know I have a long ways to go in working through things, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!  I think we have very similar situations.  I think of you continue to focus on yourself, you will know when you feel more ready

[exodus]

But then I  read “Surviving a borderline mother” forget who by, but there’s a whole section in that which steps through what a normal up brining would have been like.

Did you mean "Surviving a Borderline Parent"?

[Panda39]

I think the book referred to is... .

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship  by: Christine Ann Lawson

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/understanding-borderline-mother

[Finding Courage]

Having children after our kind of childhoods is something that has challenged and triggered me in ways I never imagined.  I have one daughter, who i love very much.  Deep down I know her childhood so far has been 100% better than mine was.  But emotionally it is very hard for me to be her mother and not feel triggered by everything all day long.  For me, this has meant being a bit more emotionally distant than I would like and finding parenting way harder and draining than most people do.  I don't regret having children, and there are many moments of joy- but I recommend making sure you have a lot of support, and prepare that it will challenge you in many new ways.  For me, every day is a struggle of feeling sad about my own childhood, obsessed with being a better parent to her, dealing with the usual parenting hassles, and coping with how much being her mother triggers my PTSD symptoms when I am around her.  Therapy has helped and having a very supportive/engaged partner helps.  Best of luck.

[exodus]

I think the book referred to is... .

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship  by: Christine Ann Lawson

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/understanding-borderline-mother

Thanks.  If anyone can confirm this is the book with that section on what a normal upbringing would have been like, please let me know.  I would be very interested in reading it just for that reason alone.

[happykiwi]

Hi, I've only just realised what my Mother did to me growing up.  So at the age of 44 I woke up and have gone NC.  Ahhh the bliss and lovely stress free life I now have.

I already have two children.  Aged 8 and 9.  But through this site I have realised why I behaved to them in their early years.  Being so close together it was hard as I was home alone all day with them and I'm ashamed to say I would rage at my oldest son if he wouldn't listen to me.  It was very rare usually with me due for my period and sleep deprived.  I would always feel terribly ashamed and would apologise to my son afterwards.  Normally the naughty mat would be utilised and was very effective.

I now understand it was my Mother's upbringing of me coming out.  It wasn't normal and I knew deep down that it was so very wrong to terrify a small soul you are to protect and give unconditional love too.  I made a conscious effort to walk away and go practice deep breaths if I felt the rage coming on.

So I guess what I'm saying is that you know what your parents did was wrong and you have insight.  So you will make every effort to be the best parent you can.  And you know what?  I have two beautiful souls that love me and trust me and know they receive completely unconditional love from me.  Something I have grieved for that I never got.

So thinking about this seriously is great but honestly being a Mum is a great joy and you learn something about yourself everyday  Plus it sounds like you have an amazing husband and one of life's joy for me has been watching my husband grow as a father, it makes me fall in love with him over and over again.  Hope this helps  

[CeliaBea]

Dear All, Dear Tiredbride,

I think the questions you ask here, and the thoughts you have regarding having children, show how healthy and responsible you are!

"I guess I'm just looking for others' experiences? What made you decide to have (or not have) children after being raised by NPD or BPD parents? How do you ensure that your children's upbringings are different from your own?"

I'm in my mid-forties and don't have children. My childhood was a nightmare, and I can't associate anything nice with being a kid. I also had to parent my needy, manipulate mother while I was growing up. Like you, I enjoy my freedom and need lots of "down time" and solitude to be happy. Also, my parents refused to pay for my education and generally didn't support me; also, I ended up married to a very abusive man when I was in my twenties. So all in all, the conditions just weren't like having children: I did not feel safe in this world. Interestingly, my sister (early fifties) and brother (fifty) also don't have children. My mother used to terrorize me when I was in my late teens/twenties/early thirties: She told me that she was hoping that I'd never have kids. She didn't want to have grandchildren, because that would make her feel old. Whether I may have wanted kids, or whether I would have been able to give a child a good life, that was irrelevant. Then, when I was already close to forty, some neighbour made a remark—she said to my parents: "Wow, you have three kids but no grandchildren, how come?" My mother was embarrassed and did a 180: All of a sudden I was told I should hurry up and have kids. What a shame it was that she didn't have grandchildren. I wasn't a real women if I didn't want kids… My mother also never had one nice story about having us—the pregnancies were pure torture and almost killed her. Our father didn't want us. She spent the whole time in bed, crying and puking. When we were little, she gave us away, for weeks, sometimes months, because she couldn't cope.

If I were younger, I might reconsider and decide to have kids. Now, in my forties, I've finally extricated myself from my mother's suffocating hold. But when I was younger, I felt too insecure, too depressed, too uncertain. Life seemed such a struggle. That's why I don't have kids.

I wish you all the best! Your decision to not inform your parents if/when you get pregnant, and to keep them away from your parents, is a wise one. I'm sure when you explain to them, one day, that your parents are not nice people, that they are sick and hurt others, your children will understand.

Celia

[HappyChappy]

Hi

The book was "Surviving a Borderline Parent" by Freda B. Friedman (Author).

www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287

It did reassure me that I hadn't picked up any Borderline flees in respect to parenting. I'm also dyslexic, so I'm a picky reader and read this to the end.

Can't see why a victim of a BPD would repeat their sins unless they themselves were BPD. Parental instinct may have bi-passed our BPD, but why would it bi-pass us ? All I would say is that young kids display a lot of narcisstic behaviour, as part of growing up. So be prepared to be reminded of what that’s like. A 6 year old having a strop looks far cuter and less dangerous than an adult BPD having a strop. Also prepare for your BPD to compete with and get jellous of your 6 year old  .

[healinggirl]

Your story sounds a lot like my own.  My BPD mom and BPD sister tried to ruin my engagement too.  Neither attended my wedding.  (I will have to explain that to my son one day.)  Fortunately I didn't marry until my mid-thirties so I had a nice break before having my son.  My mom was different with my son than she was with me, but he was only three when she passed away.  My therapist has a toxic MIL and said they make a game out of grandma's bad behavior -- the kid who experiences the most criticism gets the biggest ice cream on the way home.  Know that you can be a great parent despite the way you were raised.  Good luck to you!

[Tiredbride313]

Thank you all for sharing your perspectives and words of wisdom! I feel such reassurance and comfort when reading everyone's stories and knowing that I'm not alone.

I've read a few books on BPD and npd, and I'm adding "surviving a borderline parent" to the list. I'm definitely interested in the chapter on what a normal upbringing should look like.

[healinggirl]

I started reading Surviving a couple of days ago.  It has already been validating.  It has also helped me think about what I believe and where those beliefs (healthy and unhealthy) came from.  it has brought up some memories I'd forgotten about.  its an intense read so I'm trying to take it slow.  I might jump ahead to the chapter on normal parenting!

[Finding Courage]

I got a lot out of Surviving a Borderline parent.  Easily found online.  It was the first time all of my experiences made sense.

[daughterandmom]

"I guess I'm just looking for others' experiences? What made you decide to have (or not have) children after being raised by NPD or BPD parents? How do you ensure that your children's upbringings are different from your own?"

I raised four children, two girls, two boys now aged 22. 23, 26 and 28. I am only now finding out what my upbringing did to me, I threw myself into raising the kids full time probably just to avoid being alone with myself. It was easier to feel their feelings than my own I think. My one thought always though was to NEVER handle anything like my parents would. As a result I never cared for my needs all this time, I still have trouble admitting I have any needs at all and feel guilty for the thought- but my kids are happy, loving, respectful, productive people who grew up feeling safe and cared for. I think being raised by parents with problems like we have makes us especially good parents, maybe at a cost to ourselves, but still our kids will grow up with all the things that were never afforded us. I am new to this, so I could be wrong, but that's my experience.

I would also think that you being aware of the issue and working on it ahead of having kids will put you miles ahead of me

[exodus]

Hi

The book was "Surviving a Borderline Parent" by Freda B. Friedman (Author).

www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287

Thank you.

[WindyDay]

For me having children was tough at first, I had not learned how to behave normally in stressful situations and with kids there are tons ! I was married and separated from my BPD parent for about 4 years before we started having kids, so I did give it some time. Somewhere along the way though I think I  figured it out and  having them helped me a lot in my growth. I thought a lot about how I wished it would have been when I grew up. I still am not perfect and I sometimes handle things not so good but who is? Consistency is the key also.

My kids have contact with my dad but he knows the boundaries, they also know how he use to be and that he is 'better' now because I believe talking about our upbringing can bring healing.