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Author Topic: I received another apology.  (Read 593 times)
Penumbra66
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Relationship status: Dated ex for 1.5 years; single as of July 19, 2014
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« on: June 29, 2015, 07:10:24 PM »

Since I haven't posted for some time,  please allow me a brief summary of my relationship with my uBPDex Gf.

I met my ex on in online dating site 2 1/2 years ago, and dated for approximately 1 1/2 years before she left me for a former college instructor, a married, drug addicted, failing PhD student. While she had some indications of BPD, she seldom raged, being more of the  waif type. While being very demanding, as well as  suffering from depression and anxiety, I believe that she was mentally more healthy than at any time in our relationship when she met my replacement. She is also an addict, but had been sober for about 2 1/2 years.  

Her sobriety ended  the first time she and her new "friend"  got together outside of class. What followed was five or six weeks of triangulation, break ups, make ups and more breakups. She finally dumped me when I caught her texting my replacement.

I was emotionaly crushed during all this, trying to reconcile what she said about me, how much she loved me and wanted to repair our relationship, with the horrible devaluation and final, coldhearted discard. I went no contact in October of last year, blocking her emails, phone calls, text messages, etc.

In December she sent this appology to my OKCupid account, deactivating her profile minutes later:

<<

So, I've been wanting to contact you for some time, but have been hesitant because I don't want to cause you any more torment. I think of you often – every day, in fact.

What I did to you has added to my darkness and I carry it with me everywhere. Which I deserve. I except that. I cannot fathom how I could ever be so cold to anyone, not even a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I want to apologize for everything. I recently found out that my old boyfriend died from an overdose it really got me thinking about the people I've known and the things that I've done. But most of all I thought of you. You are still so precious to me and I don't know what I do if anything ever happened to you. It's not just my guilt or my conscience, it's something much deeper than that. I wish I treated you differently and I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me most. I am haunted by it. Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me. I was bad and I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you.
>>

I never responded.

A week or two ago, I saw that she had again visited my profile on OkCupid. Yesterday,  she sent the message below:

<<Sorry for the creeping on your page. This is the only place I can catch a glimpse of you. Your new photo is very flattering. You look really really great, Penumbra. Anyway I know I'm not welcome but I just wanted to say I think of you often. You are such a sweet, gentle being and I'll never forget the times we spent together. It still hurts me to think about the way things ended between us, and I kick myself every day over ruining what we had. My loss I guess. Anyway I hope you're doing better and that you find the love you really deserve. I was too scared into stupid and too selfish to realize it then, but you may well have been the greatest love of all ever know in my life. You really are a beautiful person and someone I just can't shake. Another lesson learned I guess.>>

Our relationship ended so suddenly, and so destructively that I ended up in a dark depression. I've improved considerably, but think of her constantly, and miss her almost as much today  as I did when she left nearly a year ago.  Before the replacement came along, our relationship seemed the best it ever been. No yelling, no fighting beyond the typical annoyances  had ever occurred in our relationship. (There were a couple of nutty rages that quickly subsided) And she was crazy about me. Until she wasn't.  But even after leaving, her "I love you"s continued, leaving me a confused, broken mess. She was insistent on remaining in contact, which I refused when I realized  how damaging it was for me.

I have not responded so far, and am leaning on not responding. However, I still feel great love towards her and in my heart of hearts, I would like nothing more than to reunite. But at this point, I don't think I could ever forgive her, or trust her again. Her worst behavior only began when her sobriety ended,  but I have no idea if she is sober now. Also addiction in itself is a lifelong problem, let alone her borderline traits.

I feel deeply ambivalent. Any help, comments, advice would be extremely appreciated.

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rotiroti
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« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2015, 07:27:56 PM »

Hi Penumbra66,

I think you have shown great restraint on not responding right away. It's impossible to quip in without having known the r/s, but I think you already know the answer:

"I have not responded so far, and am leaning on not responding. However, I still feel great love towards her and in my heart of hearts, I would like nothing more than to reunite. But at this point, I don't think I could ever forgive her, or trust her again. Her worst behavior only began when her sobriety ended,  but I have no idea if she is sober now. Also addiction in itself is a lifelong problem, let alone her borderline traits."

What really helped me was to write a non-send reply (like an email or letter addressed to her, but that you don't send). It was very cathartic to me and I know that when I'm ready, I could consider sending it to her. I also received an apology that sounded very responsible and lucid, but like you, I just can't trust someone who hurt me like that... .at least not yet.
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Suzn
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« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2015, 07:30:25 PM »

I know what deep depression feels like. I also know how long it lasted, what it took to pull out of it and what to do to keep it from coming back. What do your coping skills look like?

Another lesson learned I guess

This sounds flip, as if it really isn't a big deal. A good rule of thumb... don't steal life lessons from someone.

Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me.

When someone tells you something like this about themselves, believe them.
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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
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« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2015, 07:44:24 PM »

I got a few apologies like this Penumbra. I found that they angered me more than no apology. Then I stepped back and thought that how people view themselves is how they treat others. Or how they view the world will be their world (every relationship ends, or everybody abandons). The shame of a pwBPD, which has to do with them (or whatever attachment went wrong in childhood), is so powerful.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
zipline
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« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2015, 07:58:01 PM »

Hey Penumbra, wow this is a tough situation. I know there are powerful feelings. It's clear she feels a ton of shame and remorse and she should -- she really treated you horribly.  She recognizes that you're a good and beautiful person, and recognizes that she's not and that she's got problems -- which she does. She also hopes your doing great, which you don't feel you are. 

So what is she getting at? She's not asking for a second chance, because as messed up as she is it still seems like she knows it just wouldn't be possible. And, as much as you want it, I think you know it too. It seems like she's asking for forgiveness. And it seems that you're looking for a space to love what you had and feel good about something moving forward. For me, part of letting go is learning how to move forward with a postive energy about the good things we had, the positive feelings I had, while being able to integrate them with the negative things that ensured the relationship would never work. It's a tough balance for me. I don't want to be lost in the fantasy of the "I love you's" and I don't want to be trapped by the anger of the betrayal. I don't have an answer, but that's what I'm working on today. 

The only advice that feels right to me is that you shouldn't respond to these OKC messages. I think you can block specific people on that site and you might want to do that.  If you do respond it should be via email. It's dysfunctional that she's creeping you on a dating site and it doesn't make her look good at all.  If you're going to message her, I would do it through a regular email address. But before you do, I strongly suggest writing and posting such an email on here first. We can think about it, talk about it, and maybe you can clear up this ambivalence.

Hang in there.
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Invictus01
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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2015, 08:59:33 PM »

You know dude, there are a handful of guys here (me included) who have such eerily similar stories (no rages, no conflicts, no verbal/physical abuse, a perfect relationship, poof, gone!) it almost sounds like we all dated the same person. I really don't know what to suggest because I am myself in the same boat (it is a pretty crappy boat to be in), only a few months behind you. I can only sympathize because I know exactly where you are mentally. The brain just refuses to stop thinking about her and us and how all this is possible. Yeah, sure, we all have read up on BPD and all that makes sense... .but it doesn't. I've said it many times - it would be much easier if I saw some crazy rages, verbal or physical abuse. I'd be outta there so quickly without looking back. This... .this is just tough. I literally have 4 or 5 women who are dying to date me... .but none of them are her.
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Agent_of_Chaos
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« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2015, 02:27:39 AM »

Since I haven't posted for some time,  please allow me a brief summary of my relationship with my uBPDex Gf.

I met my ex on in online dating site 2 1/2 years ago, and dated for approximately 1 1/2 years before she left me for a former college instructor, a married, drug addicted, failing PhD student. While she had some indications of BPD, she seldom raged, being more of the  waif type. While being very demanding, as well as  suffering from depression and anxiety, I believe that she was mentally more healthy than at any time in our relationship when she met my replacement. She is also an addict, but had been sober for about 2 1/2 years.  

Her sobriety ended  the first time she and her new "friend"  got together outside of class. What followed was five or six weeks of triangulation, break ups, make ups and more breakups. She finally dumped me when I caught her texting my replacement.

I was emotionaly crushed during all this, trying to reconcile what she said about me, how much she loved me and wanted to repair our relationship, with the horrible devaluation and final, coldhearted discard. I went no contact in October of last year, blocking her emails, phone calls, text messages, etc.

In December she sent this appology to my OKCupid account, deactivating her profile minutes later:

<<

So, I've been wanting to contact you for some time, but have been hesitant because I don't want to cause you any more torment. I think of you often – every day, in fact.

What I did to you has added to my darkness and I carry it with me everywhere. Which I deserve. I except that. I cannot fathom how I could ever be so cold to anyone, not even a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I want to apologize for everything. I recently found out that my old boyfriend died from an overdose it really got me thinking about the people I've known and the things that I've done. But most of all I thought of you. You are still so precious to me and I don't know what I do if anything ever happened to you. It's not just my guilt or my conscience, it's something much deeper than that. I wish I treated you differently and I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me most. I am haunted by it. Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me. I was bad and I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you.
>>

I never responded.

A week or two ago, I saw that she had again visited my profile on OkCupid. Yesterday,  she sent the message below:

<<Sorry for the creeping on your page. This is the only place I can catch a glimpse of you. Your new photo is very flattering. You look really really great, Penumbra. Anyway I know I'm not welcome but I just wanted to say I think of you often. You are such a sweet, gentle being and I'll never forget the times we spent together. It still hurts me to think about the way things ended between us, and I kick myself every day over ruining what we had. My loss I guess. Anyway I hope you're doing better and that you find the love you really deserve. I was too scared into stupid and too selfish to realize it then, but you may well have been the greatest love of all ever know in my life. You really are a beautiful person and someone I just can't shake. Another lesson learned I guess.>>

Our relationship ended so suddenly, and so destructively that I ended up in a dark depression. I've improved considerably, but think of her constantly, and miss her almost as much today  as I did when she left nearly a year ago.  Before the replacement came along, our relationship seemed the best it ever been. No yelling, no fighting beyond the typical annoyances  had ever occurred in our relationship. (There were a couple of nutty rages that quickly subsided) And she was crazy about me. Until she wasn't.  But even after leaving, her "I love you"s continued, leaving me a confused, broken mess. She was insistent on remaining in contact, which I refused when I realized  how damaging it was for me.

I have not responded so far, and am leaning on not responding. However, I still feel great love towards her and in my heart of hearts, I would like nothing more than to reunite. But at this point, I don't think I could ever forgive her, or trust her again. Her worst behavior only began when her sobriety ended,  but I have no idea if she is sober now. Also addiction in itself is a lifelong problem, let alone her borderline traits.

I feel deeply ambivalent. Any help, comments, advice would be extremely appreciated.

Personality wise... .our exes are identical. It has been 1p mo post bu. As time has passed she has contacted me 6 maybe 7 different times saying the same thing. Practically word for word as your ex said. Unlike you, I've taken the bait each time and Everytime she's vanished. Everytime it knock me back a few steps. It has gotten easier bc the ending is inevitable but it has hindered my healing process.

IF you want to give the relationship anot her go... .reach out, but if not, I'd leave it be. Like you even if my ex said she wanted to come back I'm not sure that I could get over the damage. I feel for you. What an unfair situation.
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2015, 02:49:55 AM »

Since I haven't posted for some time,  please allow me a brief summary of my relationship with my uBPDex Gf.

I met my ex on in online dating site 2 1/2 years ago, and dated for approximately 1 1/2 years before she left me for a former college instructor, a married, drug addicted, failing PhD student. While she had some indications of BPD, she seldom raged, being more of the  waif type. While being very demanding, as well as  suffering from depression and anxiety, I believe that she was mentally more healthy than at any time in our relationship when she met my replacement. She is also an addict, but had been sober for about 2 1/2 years.  

Her sobriety ended  the first time she and her new "friend"  got together outside of class. What followed was five or six weeks of triangulation, break ups, make ups and more breakups. She finally dumped me when I caught her texting my replacement.

I was emotionaly crushed during all this, trying to reconcile what she said about me, how much she loved me and wanted to repair our relationship, with the horrible devaluation and final, coldhearted discard. I went no contact in October of last year, blocking her emails, phone calls, text messages, etc.

In December she sent this appology to my OKCupid account, deactivating her profile minutes later:

<<

So, I've been wanting to contact you for some time, but have been hesitant because I don't want to cause you any more torment. I think of you often – every day, in fact.

What I did to you has added to my darkness and I carry it with me everywhere. Which I deserve. I except that. I cannot fathom how I could ever be so cold to anyone, not even a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I want to apologize for everything. I recently found out that my old boyfriend died from an overdose it really got me thinking about the people I've known and the things that I've done. But most of all I thought of you. You are still so precious to me and I don't know what I do if anything ever happened to you. It's not just my guilt or my conscience, it's something much deeper than that. I wish I treated you differently and I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me most. I am haunted by it. Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me. I was bad and I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you.
>>

I never responded.

A week or two ago, I saw that she had again visited my profile on OkCupid. Yesterday,  she sent the message below:

<<Sorry for the creeping on your page. This is the only place I can catch a glimpse of you. Your new photo is very flattering. You look really really great, Penumbra. Anyway I know I'm not welcome but I just wanted to say I think of you often. You are such a sweet, gentle being and I'll never forget the times we spent together. It still hurts me to think about the way things ended between us, and I kick myself every day over ruining what we had. My loss I guess. Anyway I hope you're doing better and that you find the love you really deserve. I was too scared into stupid and too selfish to realize it then, but you may well have been the greatest love of all ever know in my life. You really are a beautiful person and someone I just can't shake. Another lesson learned I guess.>>

Our relationship ended so suddenly, and so destructively that I ended up in a dark depression. I've improved considerably, but think of her constantly, and miss her almost as much today  as I did when she left nearly a year ago.  Before the replacement came along, our relationship seemed the best it ever been. No yelling, no fighting beyond the typical annoyances  had ever occurred in our relationship. (There were a couple of nutty rages that quickly subsided) And she was crazy about me. Until she wasn't.  But even after leaving, her "I love you"s continued, leaving me a confused, broken mess. She was insistent on remaining in contact, which I refused when I realized  how damaging it was for me.

I have not responded so far, and am leaning on not responding. However, I still feel great love towards her and in my heart of hearts, I would like nothing more than to reunite. But at this point, I don't think I could ever forgive her, or trust her again. Her worst behavior only began when her sobriety ended,  but I have no idea if she is sober now. Also addiction in itself is a lifelong problem, let alone her borderline traits.

I feel deeply ambivalent. Any help, comments, advice would be extremely appreciated.

Let me just say something odd from everyone else, I think she is still interested and either is ambivalent herself and that's why she doesn't come right out and say it or she is trying to find out if you might still be interested and is looking for your lead.

I dont think she put herself out there for nothing. And let me say this as well, lord willing, in Nov I will be 25 years sober. You say addiction is a lifelong problem. I don't know what sobriety she broke (alcohol, drugs, both) however, if you are committed to staying sober, it can be achieved and not be a "lifelong problem." Over time I have found if you stay sober long enough, you don't tend to think about drinking or drugs like you do when you're intially getting sober. But that's just my experience and the people I know who are sober.

So if my uBPDexgf said this to me, I would have the hesitancy re trust because my ex, apparently like yours, just blew us up for no seemingly good reason except her fears. After 10 years. The whole thing is absurd. And whereas I know I have some yelling left to do at her about doing this to us, I think I would only go back if we went to joint counseling. My ex would have to understand the deep hurt, pain, and mistrust she has created.

So my words to you would be, could you go to counseling with her. Would it be worth it. Would she be worth it? Would you be worth it? Only questions you can answer, of course. But if I ever get faced with your circumstances, sadly I would have to really think about it. There is no quick yes or no for me with my ex. Early on it was a definite yes. But that time has passed.
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Infared
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« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2015, 06:29:02 AM »

Penumbra... .I think that you are showing great strength. It's you protecting you.

My ex left me just as abruptly, but was lying about the other person. I was devastated like you. Unlike you, I never got an admission, let alone any apology. (I did get whacky drive- byes and ambushes, though! :-))

Please be very careful for your well-being, and respect that you are still in a weakened state because of this person's treatment of you. At least you sound that way to me.

It has already been said that you could never trust your ex again (I would never trust mine).

I think there are a lot of clues there that should warn you to stay away. Notice how she avoids responsibility directly for her actions when she uses the phrase, "It still hurts me to think of the way things ended between us."  Notice how that completely minimizes her role. She lied to you and was indulging in sex and drugs with another man... .and wanted to remain in contact with you? She made those choices. How exactly did that hurt her? HUH?

Sounds like she is depressed and needy as her other situation did not work out. I firmly believe that this is a very damaged humane being, which like mine, I can have empathy for from afar... .but for me to engage with her in a relationship of any kind would be nothing but painful for me and a direct act of not loving myself. I can't fix her, I can't help her. She needs to see a problem and do that herself. I also feel if I am even friends with my ex, that it just validates her behavior in some subconcious way. "See... look how I treated him and he still wants me".  BPD and addiction are diseases of extreme self-centeredness. There, in the end... .isn't any room for us... .it's all about them.  Ugly place to be. I had to make the very painful choice to stay completely away from the disorder, to protect myself. It's twisted.

I understand how you feel. These situations are so, so difficult. My heart goes out to you.

Joint counseling, where both people want to go, and also want and have the ability to take responsibility for their part in things very rare) , I guess could be a possibility. It could might also inadvertently bring closure for you. ... .

I had no opportunity for any of that... .I just got lies and blame... .you might have a shot at that. Tough place to be.
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JRT
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« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2015, 09:59:36 AM »

You know dude, there are a handful of guys here (me included) who have such eerily similar stories (no rages, no conflicts, no verbal/physical abuse, a perfect relationship, poof, gone!) it almost sounds like we all dated the same person. I really don't know what to suggest because I am myself in the same boat (it is a pretty crappy boat to be in), only a few months behind you. I can only sympathize because I know exactly where you are mentally. The brain just refuses to stop thinking about her and us and how all this is possible. Yeah, sure, we all have read up on BPD and all that makes sense... .but it doesn't. I've said it many times - it would be much easier if I saw some crazy rages, verbal or physical abuse. I'd be outta there so quickly without looking back. This... .this is just tough. I literally have 4 or 5 women who are dying to date me... .but none of them are her.

What he said... .
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JQ
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« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2015, 11:33:32 AM »

Since I haven't posted for some time,  please allow me a brief summary of my relationship with my uBPDex Gf.

I met my ex on in online dating site 2 1/2 years ago, and dated for approximately 1 1/2 years before she left me for a former college instructor, a married, drug addicted, failing PhD student. While she had some indications of BPD, she seldom raged, being more of the  waif type. While being very demanding, as well as  suffering from depression and anxiety, I believe that she was mentally more healthy than at any time in our relationship when she met my replacement. She is also an addict, but had been sober for about 2 1/2 years.  

Her sobriety ended  the first time she and her new "friend"  got together outside of class. What followed was five or six weeks of triangulation, break ups, make ups and more breakups. She finally dumped me when I caught her texting my replacement.

I was emotionaly crushed during all this, trying to reconcile what she said about me, how much she loved me and wanted to repair our relationship, with the horrible devaluation and final, coldhearted discard. I went no contact in October of last year, blocking her emails, phone calls, text messages, etc.

In December she sent this appology to my OKCupid account, deactivating her profile minutes later:

<<

So, I've been wanting to contact you for some time, but have been hesitant because I don't want to cause you any more torment. I think of you often – every day, in fact.

What I did to you has added to my darkness and I carry it with me everywhere. Which I deserve. I except that. I cannot fathom how I could ever be so cold to anyone, not even a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I want to apologize for everything. I recently found out that my old boyfriend died from an overdose it really got me thinking about the people I've known and the things that I've done. But most of all I thought of you. You are still so precious to me and I don't know what I do if anything ever happened to you. It's not just my guilt or my conscience, it's something much deeper than that. I wish I treated you differently and I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you needed me most. I am haunted by it. Make of it what you will, I don't care if you think badly of me. I was bad and I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you.>>

I never responded.

A week or two ago, I saw that she had again visited my profile on OkCupid. Yesterday,  she sent the message below:

<<Sorry for the creeping on your page. This is the only place I can catch a glimpse of you. Your new photo is very flattering. You look really really great, Penumbra. Anyway I know I'm not welcome but I just wanted to say I think of you often. You are such a sweet, gentle being and I'll never forget the times we spent together. It still hurts me to think about the way things ended between us, and I kick myself every day over ruining what we had. My loss I guess. Anyway I hope you're doing better and that you find the love you really deserve. I was too scared into stupid and too selfish to realize it then, but you may well have been the greatest love of all ever know in my life. You really are a beautiful person and someone I just can't shake. Another lesson learned I guess.>>

Our relationship ended so suddenly, and so destructively that I ended up in a dark depression. I've improved considerably, but think of her constantly, and miss her almost as much today  as I did when she left nearly a year ago.  Before the replacement came along, our relationship seemed the best it ever been. No yelling, no fighting beyond the typical annoyances  had ever occurred in our relationship. (There were a couple of nutty rages that quickly subsided) And she was crazy about me. Until she wasn't.  But even after leaving, her "I love you"s continued, leaving me a confused, broken mess. She was insistent on remaining in contact, which I refused when I realized  how damaging it was for me.

I have not responded so far, and am leaning on not responding. However, I still feel great love towards her and in my heart of hearts, I would like nothing more than to reunite. But at this point, I don't think I could ever forgive her, or trust her again. Her worst behavior only began when her sobriety ended,  but I have no idea if she is sober now. Also addiction in itself is a lifelong problem, let alone her borderline traits.

I feel deeply ambivalent. Any help, comments, advice would be extremely appreciated.

Penum,

You have shown amazing amount of fortitude, strength, and restraint towards this creeping back in of your exBPD. Stay strong!  Look into your  heart ... .you'll know what you'll find there ... .the hurt, the pain all the bad things that came with the relationship with her. I won't judge you if you do ... .only you can make that choice to return to her. I go back and forth everyday ... .I really do. MY exBPD has told me she's back to dating the other guy yet continues to text me, and calls me when I don't answer her text in a certain amount of time. Then once she knows I'm not out and about with another woman she says, "I"m tired, I need to go to sleep, have a good evening and hangs up on me". Anyone else here this same thing? It's ok if they date, sleep with someone else but not you ... .you are like the rest of us "male/female" are standby's ... .when things go south with the current boyfriend/girlfriend and everyone knows they will ... .they the exBPD knows they can come back to us. It's like dealing with a 3 year old in an adult body. How many times have you seen a young child get into an argument with their "best friend" then go to someone else that everyone knows just to make the "best friend" jealous.

If you won't be my friend, suzy or Billy will be. It's the same thing.

It's a learned behavior ... .from childhood and they've never grown out of it. Only with a lifetime of DPT therapy and sometime meds will they live a better life ... .not perfect but it's said they will do better. BUT ... .and this is the big but ... .they have to want it ... they have to go to WEEKLY therapy ... .You didn't Cause it ... .You can't Control it ... .You Can't repair her ... .

Put your suit of armor on ... .your white hat ... .and go in search of a woman worthy of you ... .I'll leave you and everyone else with this thought ... .

The world population is 7,810,423,756 people ... .JUST in case your exBPD is feeling irreplaceable ... .

stay well
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Pretty Woman
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1683


The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2015, 08:01:12 AM »

I received a message like this the last breakup.

And I will say... .

I replied. I am not proud of that.  Sometimes these letters (more often than not) are feelers to see if they can hook you. That is exactly what I did and each break up was worse.

Trust me.

And you can trust me over your ex.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Stay no contact. She may get more frantic in her attempts but she is not your problem anymore. You are working so hard on getting you back. Don't slip.

Seriously... .each time is worse. It just sucks all compassion from you.

YOU deserve better.


PW


Don't forget... .she left you and didn't look back. You owe her nothing. Not even a reply.
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Penumbra66
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Relationship status: Dated ex for 1.5 years; single as of July 19, 2014
Posts: 93



« Reply #12 on: July 01, 2015, 05:07:50 PM »

Thank you all for your responses.

At this point, I have not responded to her message. If I was stronger and more detached, I might. As most of us know, communicating with a pwBPD often leads to chaos, confusion, and anguish. In reading her message, it's apparent that I've been painted white again, but even during her affair and after the final discard, she would still insist that she loved me, and would love me for ever. But apparently not enough to stop her from abandoning me, or trying to reconcile. She's much younger, and I know that I when I was around her age, it was much more difficult to avoid temptation. I've also made mistakes as an adult, but when I screwed up, I did my best to make ammends. I could never look away when someone I cared about was hurting, especially if I caused it.

Suzn: I have a long history of depression, but never anything like what I went through. I am still recovering. 2 x week therapy for nearly six months, as well as a partial hosptitalization program, 4 days a week, 3 or 4 hours a day, for 3 1/2 weeks. Bleak times. I struggle, but I am slowly trying to rebuild my life. I picked up a teaching assignment at the University, and I am working on some projects and freelance assignments. And of course I come here, everyday, and read.

Turkish: The first appology made me furious, for weeks. It sickened me. If someone is so important to you, why would you continue to be with their replacement? I've had it explained to me, here on the site and in my reading, how a pwBPD longs to keep attachements, but it seems so selfish and sick that it's hard to accept. No empathy, no understanding. And now I might "well be the greatest love I will ever have in life." Really? That seems even more screwed up. I still ask myself how any human being could ever behave this way, and accepting her disorder still leaves me feeling a need to better understand what ultimately is not understandable. Where and what is the truth? Accepting that I will never know, that her truth is unstable and changes, is something life never prepared me for.

Invictus01: I am also dating around, and I don't seem to have too much trouble finding women to go out with. But they aren't her. I can have fun, enjoy the company, but in the end I feel very little attraction to them, physically in particular. She was one of the most—maybe the most—physically desireable women I've ever met. But my deepest attraction was emotional. She was very much family for me. And that is the rarest feeling of all. In my entire 48 years, there have been three like that.

Infrared: "Please be very careful for your well-being, and respect that you are still in a weakened state because of this person's treatment of you. At least you sound that way to me."

I am indeed. My ex only admitted the affair because she was caught red-handed, although there were a few times she openly left me to go to him. Then begged me back. But apperently cheated the entire time. So at this point, any kind works, any mention of me being a "beautiful" person seems like words I heard while being devauled and discarded. I would never tell someone something like that unless I could back it up with appropriate action. The fact that most people would at least try to live up to their words obviously is a cause of great confusion when our BPDexs don't. Was she sincere? Perhaps, when she wrote it. But at this point, I really won't place myself in another risky situation to find out. Perhaps at one point, but today, absolutely not.

I do believe her pain and sorrow are sincere, but rather one-sided. Yes, she misses me, thinks about me, perhaps even placed me back on the pedestal. But there really isn't much in either message that validates my pain and sorrow, or acknowledges how much abandonment hurts. Abondonment was a topic we discussed on our second date, because we had  both been betrayed and abandoned in our teens/twenties. In fact, she blamed her abandonment on causing her to drink excessively. I also believe it was a factor in causing her to drop out of high school. In fact, she was the one that brough up the discusion we had on date # 2, after she left for my replacement. I had forgotten about it. Her response—"I don't know where I went wrong"—was perhaps the most confusing statement she made.

ShadowIntheNight: Congratulation on your sobriety! I have friends who have sobered up, and maintained sobriety for years. I also have friends who haven't. I know that addicts can leave responsible, productive lives, but I think in her case in particular, she will have a very difficult struggle. I've never seen anyone stuble and fall so quickly, to the point that she lost an internship, passed a class needed for graduation only through the kindness of the instructor, and was caught cheating on a take home midterm (because she emailed her classmates offering to pay for the solution!). She went from a good, stable and disciplined life to a basket case in a few days. I've never seen drugs and alcohol take so much out of someone so quickly.

As for counciling, I am not sure she is even stable enough to commit to that. She may still be with the replacement, or keeping him close by. She may be employed. Or not. She might not even be in town anymore, and I am not sure I want to deal with the heartbreak of finding out.

Again, thank you all for your responses. I have read each one several times.
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Invictus01
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« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2015, 09:46:59 PM »

Invictus01: I am also dating around, and I don't seem to have too much trouble finding women to go out with. But they aren't her. I can have fun, enjoy the company, but in the end I feel very little attraction to them, physically in particular. She was one of the most—maybe the most—physically desireable women I've ever met. But my deepest attraction was emotional. She was very much family for me. And that is the rarest feeling of all. In my entire 48 years, there have been three like that.

Yeah man, the emotional part is the most difficult part to get over. My girlie isn't the most attractive female (don't wanna say wasn't, she isn't dead) I have ever seen, above average, but not like a knock out gorgeous. But I didn't care. We had such an insane connection from the first time we met (we didn't know each other before, there is no way she could have mirrored me that well within hours of knowing me), this part is just tough to comprehend. Against my own better judgement, I met with her this past Saturday for the first time in 8 months. We sat there, had a dinner and talked for a couple of hours straight. No long silent breaks, just talked and talked about all sorts of stuff. How do you mirror that, how do you fake that, I just have no idea... .
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Penumbra66
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Relationship status: Dated ex for 1.5 years; single as of July 19, 2014
Posts: 93



« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2015, 09:00:24 PM »

Invictus01: I am also dating around, and I don't seem to have too much trouble finding women to go out with. But they aren't her. I can have fun, enjoy the company, but in the end I feel very little attraction to them, physically in particular. She was one of the most—maybe the most—physically desireable women I've ever met. But my deepest attraction was emotional. She was very much family for me. And that is the rarest feeling of all. In my entire 48 years, there have been three like that.

Yeah man, the emotional part is the most difficult part to get over. My girlie isn't the most attractive female (don't wanna say wasn't, she isn't dead) I have ever seen, above average, but not like a knock out gorgeous. But I didn't care. We had such an insane connection from the first time we met (we didn't know each other before, there is no way she could have mirrored me that well within hours of knowing me), this part is just tough to comprehend. Against my own better judgement, I met with her this past Saturday for the first time in 8 months. We sat there, had a dinner and talked for a couple of hours straight. No long silent breaks, just talked and talked about all sorts of stuff. How do you mirror that, how do you fake that, I just have no idea... .

I am so tempted to communicate with her, but at this point, I haven't responded. I can't imagine meeting with her face to face, after all the lies, chaos, and heartbreak. How I suddenly became maybe "the greatest love I will ever know in life" seems, well... .totally nutso. But honestly, she was one of my greatest loves, and still feels that way today. I briefly read her profile, which she hasn't updated. No wonder I feel for her. There is a huge age difference, but on paper—even without her photos—she is my dream girl. Very smart, commited to making the world a better place, well read, creative. And kind. In her words anyway. There seems to be such a rare combination of  brains, beauty, humilty, and vulnerability, without being obvious about it. Very subtle, and did not tip my bullsh! detector. Wow. Not at all who she claimed to be. It's ironic, because she worked as a suicide hotline volunteer. But when I was struggling because of her lies and cheating, the break ups, make ups, and more breakups, she was nowhere to be found. Promises of commitment, with the worst behaviour I've ever witnessed. It still makes zero sense.

I can't imagine meeting with her. Will you see her again? What do you think of it, with a couple of days space?

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Infared
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« Reply #15 on: July 04, 2015, 08:33:30 AM »

Invictus01: I am also dating around, and I don't seem to have too much trouble finding women to go out with. But they aren't her. I can have fun, enjoy the company, but in the end I feel very little attraction to them, physically in particular. She was one of the most—maybe the most—physically desireable women I've ever met. But my deepest attraction was emotional. She was very much family for me. And that is the rarest feeling of all. In my entire 48 years, there have been three like that.

Yeah man, the emotional part is the most difficult part to get over. My girlie isn't the most attractive female (don't wanna say wasn't, she isn't dead) I have ever seen, above average, but not like a knock out gorgeous. But I didn't care. We had such an insane connection from the first time we met (we didn't know each other before, there is no way she could have mirrored me that well within hours of knowing me), this part is just tough to comprehend. Against my own better judgement, I met with her this past Saturday for the first time in 8 months. We sat there, had a dinner and talked for a couple of hours straight. No long silent breaks, just talked and talked about all sorts of stuff. How do you mirror that, how do you fake that, I just have no idea... .

I am so tempted to communicate with her, but at this point, I haven't responded. I can't imagine meeting with her face to face, after all the lies, chaos, and heartbreak. How I suddenly became maybe "the greatest love I will ever know in life" seems, well... .totally nutso. But honestly, she was one of my greatest loves, and still feels that way today. I briefly read her profile, which she hasn't updated. No wonder I feel for her. There is a huge age difference, but on paper—even without her photos—she is my dream girl. Very smart, commited to making the world a better place, well read, creative. And kind. In her words anyway. There seems to be such a rare combination of  brains, beauty, humilty, and vulnerability, without being obvious about it. Very subtle, and did not tip my bullsh! detector. Wow. Not at all who she claimed to be. It's ironic, because she worked as a suicide hotline volunteer. But when I was struggling because of her lies and cheating, the break ups, make ups, and more breakups, she was nowhere to be found. Promises of commitment, with the worst behaviour I've ever witnessed. It still makes zero sense.

I can't imagine meeting with her. Will you see her again? What do you think of it, with a couple of days space?

"But my deepest attraction was emotional. She was very much family for me. And that is the rarest feeling of all."... .I completely identify with this awareness And the appreciation of the wonderful mix of beauty and humane qualities that I perceived my ex to have, but its most disturbing that we are just ejected and treated with detached whackiness and for me downright cruelty... They did not have this connection with us. Like it or not I must accept that.

I miss what I "thought" I had terribly... .but I could never interact with my expwBPD again... for any reason. After the repeated horribl, immature things she has done, my self esteem and my basic human dignity for myself just won't let me. It saddens me deeply, but I just cannot validate that behavior. ... and for me and what I have been through, contact with her would send a message to her that the way she treats people is acceptable. ... but ... .it just isn't.
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