What does he WANT?

[Daniell85]

Woke up this morning, turned on my computer. Usually it's on all the time, but we had a power outage.

Auto log into Skype. Boyfriend is not online since yesterday. After a minute or so, he logs in or resets his status to online.

From my side of things, I would simply like to move on from the conflict we had on the last day of May. He lost his temper at me ( according to his friend he was overly tired from working late at night) and had a fit, attempted to bully me by threatening to block me and I commented to him if he blocks me essentially he loses me. And he blocked me.

I had a massive panic attack at that point. He was still sitting over on Skype and I really blew apart. My communication to him was basically you blocked me on facebook, go ahead and block me here too! Even better, just gtfo because I am tired of all of the bull****. Get out get out get out!

He has entirely refused to give any response since then. I calmed down after a week or so. Said I hoped he was calmer too. No response. 2 weeks later, I said sorry we had a conflict. Ignored.  So I decided not to say anything, because I always feel bad to be ignored.

This morning and yesterday morning, when I came on Skype, he set himself to online and sat there for about 15 minutes. So today I said "Hi". He waits 10 more minutes and then logs off or sets himself to invisible. I have no idea which, to me it's all a head game that generates a ton of anxiety for me and I have a terrible, unproductive day as a result.

So it is 10:45 ish am here. I am sitting here writing you guys because I am trying to be calm. I am feeling the impulse to close Skype and do a disappearing act on HIM, but I think to myself, will that make me look flakey? I mean ONE of us has to be stable. And I am the person here on this site trying to figure out how to detach with compassion.

I feel bad  :'( I am so sad about all of this. I feel like I am being messed with.

Then I think he has told me in the past, he isn't giving me silent treatment. He is too depleted to talk, he is scared I am going to smack him around for the ignoring, he. just. can't. say. hi back. Because I may lash out at him.

I don't even know what to do. Except this is becoming an exercise right now on making the choices that cause me the least anxiety and pain.

And, as unworthy as this feeling may be, I am soo MAD that he is sitting there like Mr. Perfect passing judgement on ME for getting upset and his MEAN words and actions. wth.

Probably if he spoke to me right this minute, I couldn't even respond in a way that is productive. I hate this crap.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Butterfly12]

It's so hard and frustrating to be told we are the ones with issues when we express normal human emotion. My husband tells me that our finances as well as other life events on his part are "personal" and none of my business. The frustration when you are told you are not allowed to even have a say in normal day to day communications is just unreal. For me, today, it got to the point of me saying to his mother that I was very frustrated that when we are supposed "working on communication," I am lied to, or just not spoken to about it.

It's so hard to just sit and accept. Sigh.

I'm with you on the anxiety attacks. Yes.

[Daniell85]

I don't actually understand why he keeps coming over, except that he wants to reassure himself I am "there".

 

[takingandsending]

Hi Daniell85.

It can be really hurtful, and is (unfortunately) a common form of control that pwBPD employ, to punitively engage in the silent treatment with people close to them. I am sorry that you are getting hurt by your bf's behavior.

Trying to understand what he wants is maybe not going to be as productive or beneficial for what you are feeling right now as figuring out what is right for you. It sounds as if your needs and essential being are denied by someone you love. This frequent, unpredictable and forcible denial of who you are, at your core, undermines you in the long term. Can you see any ways that his behavior has gone against things that you hold central to your beliefs of how you try to treat others and want to be treated yourself?

Finding out your trigger, the "why" his behavior causes you so much hurt can become the building blocks for establishing boundaries with your boyfriend. Boundaries are the expression of what we can and cannot accept to ensure that our central beliefs and values are protected. Things can get better once these things are communicated and become part of the framework within your relationship.

I hope you find some time today to do something good for yourself. You deserve a lot of self love and kindness today. Being in RS with pwBPD takes a lot of bravery, patience and strength. Hang in there.  

[Loosestrife]

Hi

I'm really sorry you are going through this 

It's impossible to try and resolve an issue with a partner who simply foes not have the maturity or the life skills. Silent treatment /threats to block or not talk to someone are tricks that children use not adults. If you react then you are also playing his childish control games I.e by saying if he blocks you then it's over and then not following through.

The best advice I can give is don't react. Take some time out and really have a think about your happiness, what you contribute to a relationship, and what you need someone else to contribute. You can't change him, but you can change your situation and what you put up with.

Take care

L

[Daniell85]

I'm pretty conflicted right now. About how I feel about him.

I understand what is being said to me here, particularly about what it is that is hooking me into so much pain and anxiety over his behavior.

I did tell him last fall that if he did this to me again, we were done because I am unable to cope with what he does. I rarely make any such statement to him, because it's like telling a little kid not to use a certain cuss word. They get mad and it's the word they have to say.   I have been pretty motivated to avoid showdowns or drawing lines in the sand that HE has to observe.

I was pretty much heading in the direction of DONE ( I never told him that before) for real, but he was persisting with staying on Skype, and I was baffled by the behavior overall. Someone said he sounded like a psychopath. So I go looking for psychopath stuff and come across BPD symptoms. I come here and start reading and my intention falters.

I can look back and easily see where I could have avoided this latest round of ST. Barn door, horse already ran off thing.

I realize that the intensity of the panic and pain is because his action is getting hooked into prior traumas for me.

All I feel I can do right now, is keep my composure ( very hard, because I am so angry and sad this happened again) and go see my new therapist tomorrow. I am determined to unhook the connection. It's been so difficult.

I am going to do this.

[Daniell85]

Went to see therapist. I really like her and I think we can work together well.

We didn't get far on things in the first visit. I have a lot of old unhappy stuff, so boyfriend was only mentioned a bit. I told her I am currently getting silent treatment. She kind of winced and said "Oh that."  She totally understood it.

I guess I should feel optimistic, I feel ambiguous. I look at my boyfriend on Skype and him essentially with his nose stuck in the air at me. Grrr. 

I understand he is thinking BPD, but I guess I am not there yet, because I keep thinking "I oughta kick your behind right off and just go a million miles away!"

Resentment :/  I so wish I had made it to this site before THIS round of ST. I hate it so much. I want things to be ok between him and I, and I know he is waiting for me to appease him, but I just don't have it in me to even want to send 10 hugs and kisses and I am so sorry messages and know he is reading them and choosing to ignore me.

[ptilda]

Resentment :/  I so wish I had made it to this site before THIS round of ST. I hate it so much. I want things to be ok between him and I, and I know he is waiting for me to appease him, but I just don't have it in me to even want to send 10 hugs and kisses and I am so sorry messages and know he is reading them and choosing to ignore me.

This!

Husband just brought police to stand guard while he moves his things out. Despite the fact that he's been here alone since he stopped staying here 3 weeks ago and despite the fact that he chose a time to come when he knew I'd be home. This ST stint has been going on 3 months off and on.

[Daniell85]

wow

What are you thinking you want to do at this point? I would be enormously upset about that antic of bringing the police along. Ultimately what does your husband want? He wants a divorce or something? Are you considering that?