Finding love again?

[james_s]

Hi guys,

I am lost. I had a relationship w a (diagnosed) BPD that started out absolutely amazing, like a movie. Despite the relationship being very short, we got married (needed to so she could stay in the country). In time, the alienation, threats and aggressive outbursts became too much and I had to end the relationship. The end was quite ugly as most of the stories here. It has been 5 months since we separated.

I just wanted to hear your experiences on moving on and whether finding love again in the future is possible. The very foundation of my beliefs are being rocked.

To me, she is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen, if not the most beautiful. We seemed to connect in a way that was beyond this world, complemented each other. She loved me immensely (whatever definition of love she had). She was caring, hardworking, insightful, fun, devoted, loyal and never cheated or anything. Even at the end, 80% of the time, things were fine (except for the brutal aggressive outbursts). She defined "love" for me in ways I could not imagine were possible and I am not ashamed to say that a part of me is still love her.

Let me be honest here. I am relatively inexperienced and I have to accept that it takes two to tango in these kind of relationships. I am getting counselling to heal, see what I did wrong etc.

I am still quite young. I am a nice guy, have a good job, supports, don't look bad and have a lot of "potential". I have not started dating since and won't for a little while longer. I know this takes time.

But I just feel like any relationship that will come after this, even if it will be healthier, won't be able to reach those highs.

I am fearful that any good looking girl is going to be like this. 

Is it possible to love again? Has anyone felt this way? Do you have to "settle" next time for someone not as fun or beautiful but who you feel is safe/not pd?

And lastly, when dating again, when and how much did you tell the next partner (I will be separated/divorced)?

[Mike-X]

I am sorry that you are hurt and struggling with thoughts of future relationships. Have you had a chance to read through some of the articles on "Breaking up with a person with BPD":

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken

In particular have you read about the typical evolution of relationships with pwBPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

When thinking about future relationships, have you thought about establishing boundaries and boundary violations and failures to establish boundaries in your past relationship?

[UserName69]

Of course it's possible! Just because one relation was bad doesn't mean everything will be the same. They're like jobs, if one boss fires you the other will hire you. I have found replacement, I met this girl when me and my ex broke up for one month. I kept contact with her, had a couple chats with her. Got back with my exBPD and before I knew it we had a fight again. At this she ended it, so I decided to date with the other girl. It took me a while to accept everything but at the end it was worth it. She's my girlfriend now and so far she doesn't show any BPD symptoms. She was the one who told me about BPD when I was dealing with my exBPD. My current gf is way better compared to my exBPD, has better looks, has a job, knows what she's doing, has a lot of friends.

In the beginning I was confused, she drove me crazy with her push pull behavior. Later she hurts me more, she pushed me away from that moment  I started to thing about all the negative things I had within the rs. This made things easier, I already met the other girl so I decided to hang around with her as a friend. At one point we got intimate with each other and the rest follows.

Believe me it will get better you'll find someone who's even better than your exBPD. Now you need to focus on yourself, forget about your exBPD and move on.

[james_s]

Thanks a lot Mike-X and UserName69.

I have read the articles before, I will read them again now! Guess I never had a relationship that was this serious or intense before so I was not good at establishing boundaries but I will definitely be better at this in the future, believe me 

UserName69, glad to hear you found something better and managed to move on! Thanks for your kind words.