Am I the one with BPD?

[rotiroti]

Bear with me here... .as part of my recovery, I'm at the phase where I'm trying to figure out how I ended up with a uBPDgf in the first place. And it got me thinking... .Am I the one with BPD? Were the traits infectious? The following some of my recent observations... please let me know if anyone feels like they are wrong or have felt something similar:

1. fear of abandonment -- I left a 'normal' relationship to be with my uBPDex. I have never done this before, but with my BPD-r/s ending this time around, I felt terrible shame and guilt at having hurt my previous partner. I feel like I had triangulated to some degree.

2. Reckless behavior/impulse -- I used to be a drinker and relapsed when I was involved with my uBPDex. Even drove us back home while under the influence  

3. Emotional lability -- when she was letting me have it, I didn't snap but I felt like I was reaching my limit. I've never hit anyone, but I could just feel this rage boiling up inside me after 4 straight days of verbal/emotional abuse. I would just take it hoping that the honeymoon phase would somehow return if I behaved.

4. Splitting -- I look back at my last 4 relationships. They were all very different people. I dropped my love bomb early (around 1 month mark) and then it would be really intense. I don't think I mirrored, but they all felt like head-over-heels. All really intense until the b/u. And as for painting black, am I not doing that with my uBPDex? I have a list of all the horrible things she's done... albeit I am ruminating on many of the good things (splitting black?)

5. Object constancy - after 4 weeks of n/c I don't really remember my ex. Not to add I don't really remember what any of my exes look like.

6. Chronic feelings of emptiness - this might be due to the depressive symptoms I'm feeling right now from the b/u, but I think I've always felt... .like a chameleon of sort if that makes sense.

Has anyone felt like this after their b/u?

[UserName69]

1. I left a 'normal' relationship to be with my uBPDex. I have never done this before, but with my BPD-r/s ending this time around, I felt terrible shame and guilt at having hurt my previous partner. I feel like I had triangulated to some degree.

My exBPD left her exBF for me thats what she told me once. Once when we broke up for a long period I met an another girl. She's now my gf, I can't see what's wrong with that. If your prev rs was a nightmare then you did the right thing, you moved on. At some point I just had enough of all the drama she caused in my life, she drove me crazy with her behavior so I decided to leave her for good when she ended it. Normally when we broke up it took a couple days before we got back to each other but this time it was different and I decided to go with the other girl. Some people need a lot of time to move one while others need less, everyone is different. I can't see what's wrong with that. People start and end relationships everyday.

Of course I was upset and angry but at the end I have found someone who's better than my exBPD, someone who's a nonBPD and knows how to treat her bf. It's just like a job if you don't like it you're going to look for a better one.

And as for painting black, am I not doing that with my uBPDex? I have a list of all the horrible things she's done... albeit I am ruminating on many of the good things (splitting black?)

A lot of people do this, I did this too except I didn't made a list but I kept everything in my mind. It made everything easy for me, the breakup, getting over her, forgetting her. I don't remind anything good about the rs I had with her, at some point I really started to hate her. I have moved on within 1.5 months, because the relationship ended before we official ended it at least that's how I see it.

5. Object constancy - after 4 weeks of n/c I don't really remember my ex. Not to add I don't really remember what any of my exes look like.

I had a rs for 6 months with her, 14 BU's and I decided to move on. I really can't remember much of everything we did, I think about a couple months she'll be a vague picture in my mind. This was caused when I got rid of everything that reminded me of her, I blocked her from my life and decided to focus on my own. All the memories I had about her did fade away, to me this is a good thing because I can't really see why I still should think and mourn about her? I believe this is a part of moving on. Some people will need more time or different ways to get over their ex'es.

6. Chronic feelings of emptiness - this might be due to the depressive symptoms I'm feeling right now from the b/u, but I think I've always felt... .like a chameleon of sort if that makes sense.

The depression was caused by her, when we ended it and later when I started to see my current gf I wasn't depressed anymore. I have no idea what caused this, maybe my exBPD couldn't make me happy or maybe she wasn't my type at all, who knows?

Maybe some people will disagree with me but this is how I experienced it. So as you can see we have some major things in common, I think this is normal behavior.

[Surg_Bear]

I've felt it before the break-up - since we haven't broken up yet.

My wife is so resistant to the idea of being mentally ill, that she defends by gas lighting me (saying things that make me feel like I'm going crazy) and actual crazy-making (circular arguments, and this line of questioning that I describe as "court is in disorder".

I've asked my shrink countless times whether he thinks my descriptions of my wife's upsetting behaviors are just my own projections.

The fact that you are asking these questions, "am I the crazy one" tells me 2 things:

1. Your ex is a seasoned BPD.

2.  You are not crazy.

Crazy people don't ask if their tin foil hat is funny looking- they tell you it protects their brains from the thought broadcasting aliens from planet Zorf.  They are not making it up- they believe it as TRUTH.  They cannot fathom the possibility that their behavior is crazy.

Work on your issues, and you'll see- this crazy behavior you've been noticing in yourself is a reaction present only within the BPD world. Outside it, you're a normal person.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[Invictus01]

I have read that according to many psychologists, the mere fact that you are here and questioning yourself and analyzing itself suggests that you most probably don't have a PD.

[rotiroti]

@UserName69 Wow thank you! Not only for your kind support, but for also giving me hope that I will be able to move on with a non-BPD partner (congrats btw, I hope to be in your shoes one of these days)... 14 B/U's wow. I did exactly like you suggested and have blocked all forms of communication. It's such a liberating feeling. Before the block I would jolt whenever my phone would ring, it was that bad.

@Surg_Bear Thank you! Yes the gas-lighting absolutely drove me nuts. She would actually convince me factual things around the house were actually in my mind. For example, if a light bulb went out of the house I'd tell her about it and she would convince me that I was just 'hallucinating.' If I then tried to show her she would give me a weird look or change the topic.

Thanks for the tin foil analogy, it's starting to make more sense. Also your 2 reasons gave me a good laugh  thanks for cheering me up !

@Invictus01 I hope they're right!

[Alabama1979]

Everybody has its own flaws. I left my (undiagnosed) BPD boyfriend once and regretted it one hour later. Everything went pretty much downhill from there. Not my best behaviour, but something that I think it's not so unusual in the relationships- everybody can have a bad moment when they are really stressed out and you say stupid things- we all are humans

He was really passive-aggresive type, so at the end I was suddendly left with no explanation no nothing and believed I was the one with the problem and, as he told me directly, everything was my fault. Of course he is only a victim who loved me too much and couldn't stand the way we fought (which was really not a lot). I was guilty of him not sleeping, os him having panic attacks... .everything was basically my fault.

Never knew I was so powerful to provoke this depression in anybody (?). If you guys have somebody who you hate, please send me to them as I have the superpower to desestabilize am absolutely balanced person, give him sleeping problems, depression, panic attacks, and everything just because I'm not perfect and I pick up a fight here and there for a total of... .3 or 4 days. Of course, with no screaming, emotional abuse, name calling or anything like that.

It sucks.

I went to the pdoc directly and told him the story, he laughed and told me: no, you dont have BPD, probably your ex boyfriend who asked to marry you 3 weeks ago, who has lost all his points in his driving license, is probably alcoholic and talked to your parent telling him you are great 3 days before the break up, probably he is the ONE with BPD. Or at least BPD trails, or bipolar, or in any case desregulated and pathological.

I think it's part of the manipulation story these guys have. They make you feel as if you were the crazy one, and in reality you are not.

But in case of doubts, ask a pdoc. He could tell you better.

[thatwasthat]

Bear with me here... .as part of my recovery, I'm at the phase where I'm trying to figure out how I ended up with a uBPDgf in the first place. And it got me thinking... .Am I the one with BPD? Were the traits infectious? The following some of my recent observations... please let me know if anyone feels like they are wrong or have felt something similar:

1. fear of abandonment -- I left a 'normal' relationship to be with my uBPDex. I have never done this before, but with my BPD-r/s ending this time around, I felt terrible shame and guilt at having hurt my previous partner. I feel like I had triangulated to some degree.

2. Reckless behavior/impulse -- I used to be a drinker and relapsed when I was involved with my uBPDex. Even drove us back home while under the influence  

3. Emotional lability -- when she was letting me have it, I didn't snap but I felt like I was reaching my limit. I've never hit anyone, but I could just feel this rage boiling up inside me after 4 straight days of verbal/emotional abuse. I would just take it hoping that the honeymoon phase would somehow return if I behaved.

4. Splitting -- I look back at my last 4 relationships. They were all very different people. I dropped my love bomb early (around 1 month mark) and then it would be really intense. I don't think I mirrored, but they all felt like head-over-heels. All really intense until the b/u. And as for painting black, am I not doing that with my uBPDex? I have a list of all the horrible things she's done... albeit I am ruminating on many of the good things (splitting black?)

5. Object constancy - after 4 weeks of n/c I don't really remember my ex. Not to add I don't really remember what any of my exes look like.

6. Chronic feelings of emptiness - this might be due to the depressive symptoms I'm feeling right now from the b/u, but I think I've always felt... .like a chameleon of sort if that makes sense.

Has anyone felt like this after their b/u?

Very interesting. You said a couple of things I havent read like this before. You sound like me. I'd love to talk a little more in depth about some of the aspects!

[Skip]

Good question and not so good question.  

Good that you are recognizing problem and non-constructive behavior in yourself.  Bad question in that you are picking one of many DSM disorders and asking "yes or no".

It's not likely you have BPD. Your self description doesn't sound like it.  You probably don't have Schizophrenia, Alzheimer's, or Autism either.

Reckless behavior/impulse, the heavy infatuation/the painting black, chronic feelings of emptiness, the driving anger, the belief that the honeymoon phase would somehow return if you behaved - this is not emotionally healthy stuff - and its yours.

So what is it?  Or even more importantly, how do you deal with it?

This is why we do personal inventory.  Find the zag that was attracted to their zig.

This is the good question

The general consensus in many thread likes this is "don't worry, you don't have BPD".  It's not a good answer.  There is a reason we went through what we went through.  There is a reason we are here.

Own it. Find it. Fix it. Live a better life.




bpdfamily.com

1. This is what triangulation means: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

2. Object constancy?  :)o you mean object permanence?

3. Gas-lighting?  :)o our exs generally have premeditated plots to convince us that we are mentally ill so they can exploit us? No.

4. "The mere fact that you are here and questioning yourself and analyzing itself suggests that you most probably don't have a PD".  This is a common urban myth. Many people with PD go this far into self analysis.

5. "My PDoc says I don't have a mental illness." OK. But remember, most of our members report that PDocs said their exs didn't have a PD either. PDocs don't throw these stigmatizing labels on their patients easily - they general label and treat symptoms.  :)epression, anxiety, etc.  When all fails, the PD labels come out.

[rotiroti]

Thank you skip! I'm embarrassed to say I've been misunderstanding triangulation this entire time...

[cloudten]

I've felt it before the break-up - since we haven't broken up yet.

The fact that you are asking these questions, "am I the crazy one" tells me 2 things:

1. Your ex is a seasoned BPD.

2.  You are not crazy.

... .

Work on your issues, and you'll see- this crazy behavior you've been noticing in yourself is a reaction present only within the BPD world. Outside it, you're a normal person.

This is precisely what my therapist has told me as well, and I agree. The times I have been out of the relationship long enough to feel freedom, I know that these thoughts that I may be BPD disappear.

When you sleep with dogs, you catch fleas. It is another good reason to be in therapy.  It will help heal the fleas. I know that I learned awful awful awful awful AWFUL things from this relationship that I have never done in other relationships. I am hoping they go away with healing, therapy, and time.

Good luck to you!

[rotiroti]

I've felt it before the break-up - since we haven't broken up yet.

The fact that you are asking these questions, "am I the crazy one" tells me 2 things:

1. Your ex is a seasoned BPD.

2.  You are not crazy.

... .

Work on your issues, and you'll see- this crazy behavior you've been noticing in yourself is a reaction present only within the BPD world. Outside it, you're a normal person.

This is precisely what my therapist has told me as well, and I agree. The times I have been out of the relationship long enough to feel freedom, I know that these thoughts that I may be BPD disappear.

When you sleep with dogs, you catch fleas. It is another good reason to be in therapy.  It will help heal the fleas. I know that I learned awful awful awful awful AWFUL things from this relationship that I have never done in other relationships. I am hoping they go away with healing, therapy, and time.

Good luck to you!

Thank you cloudten for your insight and kind words! I like that analogy of dogs and fleas... you're right, I never felt like this in any other relationship prior to this one. Glad I can still learn a thing or two at this point of my life!