BPDXw, adult children wanting no contact

[Forestaken]

After a messy marriage and ugly divorce, uBPD+dOCD-Xw clean me out $$$$$. 

My kids S25 & D21 are in college (finished Community - now away-university) stayed with me with NC with their momster.

Xw wants to see them, they don't want to see her.  The insanity that she brings destroys their peace and damages their emotional core.  I've stopped her from dropping by (when she came over, the kids actually slipped out the back door over the fence  )

Advice?

[livednlearned]

Do you think your kids have PTSD, and might benefit from some trauma recovery work (like EMDR)?

It can be a long road to emotional resilience for kids who have BPD in the family. On one hand they have developed clever tactics to avoid conflict (jumping fences  ). On the other hand, this is a strategy that has limitations as they get deeper into adulthood, and intimate relationships.

They are in a similar situation to many of the people on the Coping & Healing board, here. Do you think they are open at all to looking at the trauma and healing it?

I'm seeing this in my own S13. He has no interest in reaching out to his dad, yet at the same time, he has trauma associated with that relationship. He is struggling emotionally, and avoiding the whole topic of his dad has turned into avoidance, period. It's affecting his friendships. Mind you, he seems to have a "sensitive genotype" and may not be as resilient as your kids.

Metaphorically, I jumped the fence with my own dysfunctional family, and all that running led me right into the arms of N/BPDx. 

Your kids could change the script, although this is painful work in my experience.

[PinkieV]

My SS19 is NC with his uBPDm, and recently ran into her at the grocery store. He is still the golden child, and she was all over him. He managed to extricate himself before too long and took off. He's now moving in with us two states away so thankfully no more accidental contact.

When he was with us at Christmas, I told him I wanted him to get counseling. He was quiet for a while, and I clarified: "I don't think there is anything wrong with you, but it's like you've been through a war, and I think talking about it would help".  He's managed so well so far, but I don't want him to crash and burn if at some point it all becomes too much.

[jasper777]

  I am a grandparent (53) raising my two oldest grandchildren and my son is married for the second time to a BPD. This time she has gone way to far. she has turned him against his two children that I am raising. My son, has no contact with them bc of his wife. The kids are devastated, confused, angry, hurt, ,but on the other hand going on with life. My oldest is going into her Jr. year here In the fall. and my little guy (12) will be in 7th grade. They both miss the daddy they used to have, but he has changed so drastically over the last yr. I just tell them give this mess to God and he can turn it into a blessing. My oldest (girl) is thinking about becoming a counselor to help people where she is and has been. I have both the kids in counseling and too am working on this issue. I truly love my son and miss him, but refuse to tolerate his behavior this last yr. The kids and I have decided no contact until he gets into counseling and begins working on himself. We are taking this slow bc of the hurt is way too deep. I do appreciate any comments, suggestions anyone can give me. I am a mom who has never ever been separated from any of my kids. This is breaking my heart, but I cannot nor will I go back to the way it was. Thanks for helping me and my family through this.

[jasper777]

Can kids get PTSD from living with or being around someone with BPD? I never ever thought of this in this way. Wow. after joining this group my mind is being opened and I am expanding my thinking. Can someone give me suggestions and advice on this? I know what PTSD is and how it reacts on some people , but I was thinking it comes from a traumatic event such as war, car wreck, ect. Now I am thinking well this is a "war" there is always fighting and constantly manipulation. Wow. as I stated I never thought of PTSD in this way ... Thanks for the information and please feel free to keep it coming. I am beginning to learn a lot and understanding more. I am so appreciative and I don't feel so overwhelmed or alone any longer . TTYL. Thanks.

[livednlearned]

Maybe this is helpful:

PTSD versus BPD--what's the difference?

Being raised in a BPD environment can leave scars from traumatic experiences. Those scars can take the form of PTSD, a syndrome also experienced by soldiers and disaster survivors. This workshop explores PTSD and how it relates to BPD. Learn more:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=42598.0

What is PTSD and how do you define trigger?

This workshop provides an overview of PTSD and asks members to explore their use of the word "trigger." Learn more:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124200.0

[ForeverDad]

Can children have PTSD, whether a little or a lot, from living with a pwBPD?  Of course.  For example, while this board focuses on the parenting aspects, there is a companion board here that focuses on our members who had grown up around pwBPD.  Years and even decades later they're still suffering and recovering from the trauma, chaos, objectification, parentification, distortion, disinformation and invalidation.

Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw

[Forestaken]

My S25 testified against my Xw.  Psyc major has diagnosed himself with r/s issues.  He is afraid to be himself.

D21 didn't testify against my Xw. S25 & I worry that she will "Rip my Xw's head off".  Both kids wanted to testify, it was an emotional release for my S, D didn't do it.  Both have been into counseling, still are. 

Xw is calling my work (thank you caller ID); I'm avoiding her by returning her call at odd hours.