When you're angry at the BPD partner what do you do?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In my relationship with my BP boyfriend of 8 years, I've come to learn if I dare get angry over something he's done - like I don't know, emailing with his ex, lying about his whereabouts, etc - it gets turned around and I'm punished for 3-7 days with tirades, silent treatment, stomping around, sleeping in the other room etc. He does everything but go away which I would prefer - if you're mad, go stay at your place - don't come home to my place every night and spread your gloom.

Anyway, I've once again caught him cavorting in very cozy emails with his ex. It infuriates me of course. They are still married though they separated many years ago - she wants to get back together, he wants to keep her in his back pocket for whatever perks he gets out if it. So meanwhile here I am many years into this relationship with no divorce, let alone wedding ring.

Oddly, I wouldn't want to marry him anymore. The more I've learned about his disorder, the more I've suffered with him, I know I want out as soon as my son, who adores him, is older and not so in need of a male figure. Still, it makes me furious when I catch him up to this kind of stuff.

I stopped myself from confronting him. I know nothing will come of it so why bother? The problem is - how do I put a smile on my face and deal with him when he comes through the door? How do I get rid of this anger? I know he's mentally ill and that helps soften many of the injuries he inflicts but this one not so much.

Any tips would be appreciated.

[satahal]

In my relationship with my BP boyfriend of 8 years, I've come to learn if I dare get angry over something he's done - like I don't know, emailing with his ex, lying about his whereabouts, etc - it gets turned around and I'm punished for 3-7 days with tirades, silent treatment, stomping around, sleeping in the other room etc. He does everything but go away which I would prefer - if you're mad, go stay at your place - don't come home to my place every night and spread your gloom.

Anyway, I've once again caught him cavorting in very cozy emails with his ex. It infuriates me of course. They are still married though they separated many years ago - she wants to get back together, he wants to keep her in his back pocket for whatever perks he gets out if it. So meanwhile here I am many years into this relationship with no divorce, let alone wedding ring.

Oddly, I wouldn't want to marry him anymore. The more I've learned about his disorder, the more I've suffered with him, I know I want out as soon as my son, who adores him, is older and not so in need of a male figure. Still, it makes me furious when I catch him up to this kind of stuff.

I stopped myself from confronting him. I know nothing will come of it so why bother? The problem is - how do I put a smile on my face and deal with him when he comes through the door? How do I get rid of this anger? I know he's mentally ill and that helps soften many of the injuries he inflicts but this one not so much.

Any tips would be appreciated.

[mrwigand]

My dBPDexgf had a toxic relationship with an ex-boyfriend who was very much still in love with her and wanted me out of the picture. She would text back and forth with him CONSTANTLY in my presence. When I finally brought up in as patient a manner as I could that this made me uncomfortable and that perhaps she not text him in front of me she freaked. She said I was being insecure, that I didn't love her "unconditionally", etc. Everything but addressing my concerns. People with BPD turn the tables on you very quickly.

I eventually broke up with her because of this behavior.

So in terms of answering your question, I would ask if you think you deserve this unhealthy behavior any more than I did. I don't think people having good relationships with their exes is necessarily a problem, but if his ex-wife wants them to get back together and he is engaging in that dynamic by "keeping her in his back pocket"... .Well that strikes me as unfair, disrespectful to YOUR relationship, and most likely something he is doing to provoke a reaction in you. And you're human, so how could you not react, quite rightfully.

So, firstly... .Is this something you want to continually deal with this, because it will continue?

If you are committed to dealing with it though, you have a couple of options... .Continue working to detach yourself from this behavior, accepting that this is just a part of his disorder. Or you could attempt to set some firm boundaries regarding his communication with his ex. He will most likely fight back against this, but if you are dispassionate and firm, it might work.

Either way good luck, and I'm sure there are others here that can give you more specific advice than that (obviously, I didn't have a lot of luck dealing with this behavior successfully

[JohnLove]

Oh, quite the contrary mrwigand, I think you handled your situation beautifully.

[satahal]

Thanks Mr. Wigand.

I don't think I think I deserve this but then I've stayed despite catching him in various inappropriate situations. I've failed to catch him in physically cheating, which I tell myself is the deal-breaker, but everything else you can imagine from contacting escorts to porn addiction to whatever's always going on with his ex.

I guess I've thought a lot of things about it - mainly that it's about him not me but that doesn't take the sting out of it at all. And having boundaries is useless because he's mr. sneaky. Everything is a lie, everything is on a need to know basis - sometimes I can see him overtly doing things to get me jealous and that doesn't phase me as it's obvious, like he'll tell me a woman grabbed his butt in line at a coffee shop (he's nearly 60 and not a movie star, so I don't find that story terribly concerning). It's when I stumble (or snoop) my way into his private life that the stuff that hurts comes out.

Ironically he's obsessed with me, rabidly jealous, which I guess feels good to me on some level - I can't say I've ever felt so adored (I know mostly it's words, unless he's afraid he's getting dumped - his actions, not always the case). He can be very generous, a good provider (part of the problem since I don't earn enough to leave today but working towards it). He's an involved and loving step-parent to my son (not perfect but pretty good), and when he's not acting out he's a lot of fun to be with.

I see one choice if I stay - look the other way and keep searching for a way to trick myself into not giving a hoot. And I know that's easier said than done - if not impossible - I've been trying that for nearly 8 years.

Oh boy, I sound like a victim. I feel like a victim, which is embarrassing. I mean I signed up - maybe I didn't know initially what I was in for, but before long I did and I kept signing up, ever hopeful he would stop, get too old for this nonsense, feel loved enough to not need his secrets. And at various times for various reasons I believed he'd stopped only to be devastated by some new revelation.

Lots of stuff kept me stuck - a custody battle with my ex, finances, insecurity. I've started working again and it feels really good, if hectic. My goal is to be self-sufficient within 6 months.

I'm working on the abusive behaviors by using techniques I'm learning here and that's helping some. Though the dishonesty keeps coming up. I fear that even if I make strides with his dysregulation and rages, that's still there and still unbearable.

[Lucky Jim]

Oddly, I wouldn't want to marry him anymore. The more I've learned about his disorder, the more I've suffered with him

Hey Sam, Why do you stay?  Tough question, I know.  I came up with all sorts of reasons to rationalize why I stayed as long as I did with my BPDxW.  Yet looking back, it would have been a lot healthier for me to have left sooner.  I guess what I'm saying is that, in my view, a r/s with a pwBPD is generally not built to last, for a host of reasons, and delaying the inevitable only makes it that much more painful when the actual split takes place further down the line.

LuckyJim

[satahal]

Hi Lucky Jim,

Good question. I stay because:

1. My disabled child is exceptionally attached to my BPD boyfriend. My boy's father's mostly out of the picture and he very much looks up to (also a worry) and enjoys my boyfriend. He's been through a rocky time - first when I divorced is father over ten years ago, then when a custody dispute broke out about three years ago, that has finally resolved - the result of which is almost no contact (by my son's choice) with his bio dad. For 8 years my boyfriend has been the main father figure in his life.

2. Finances - my BPD partner is supporting the family. Initially I was working but left my job because he could easily support us and with my son't challenges it made more sense for me to not work - and I enjoyed being a stay at home mom.

I went back to work a year ago. I'm not yet at the point of making enough money to support myself and my son. I think I can get there though.

3. Fear - of a lot of things. Just the break up process alone is daunting. I can say for sure law enforcement will need to be involved and there will be a restraining order. He can't stay away. There will be scenes in front of my son. If my ex gets wing of any law enforcement events he may try to reignite the custody nonsense. And fear of being alone - I'm in my fifties, no family. It's scary.

I've told myself for the last year or so that I would stay until my son was a little older - out of high school and hopefully more interested in his life than the family unit. (I know this may be delusional since my son has disabilities - another story but I have reason to expect he will have some level of independence.)

My plan was to go back to work, build that up to self-sufficiency, meanwhile work on boundaries and rebuilding my self-esteem and be ready to make an exit.

The reality though is the more I learn and change for my own self-protection - the less tolerable my BPD becomes. And the more ornery he becomes because he sees me changing and doesn't like it one bit.

I could leave before I reach economic self-sufficiency. I'm sure my boyfriend would help us out but that would also give him an opening that he would exploit relentlessly. Confused.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sam, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and the predicament in which you find yourself.  It sounds like you have a good plan for now.  Returning the focus to oneself is key to extricating yourself from a BPD r/s, in my view.  In my experience, it's easy for the Non to get caught up in the drama and turmoil of one's BPD SO, to the point that one can lose touch with oneself.  I did that, and it's not fun to forget who one is, believe me.  It's only when one starts to look inward again that some glints of light start to appear in the dark woods. 

The hurdles you mention are daunting, I agree, yet you can surmount them.  It's all about finding one's path again.  My T and I talk about "thinking from the neck down."  Listen to your gut feelings.  Deep breaths.  If you can learn to love and accept yourself (maybe you do already), many positive benefits flow from that simple affirmation.

LuckyJim

[satahal]

Thank you LJ - a good reminder to do positive affirmations. I'm determined to get out of this in one piece. It may take me another few years realistically but I got out of bad marriage and I can get out of a bad relationship too.

I fantasize that maybe he'll get bored of me - I've notice he's really put off by my lack of engagement. Validation shuts things right down and as a result there's distance between us - I guess if I'm not JADEing I'm a pretty dull conversation partner

Thanks for your supportive words. I appreciate it.

[Surg_Bear]

I love this question because my BPD wife has a very predictable response to my anger. Although she has only admitted once that she does this, and currently is denying that she does... .

Me:  I'm angry at something you said / did / didn't do

Her:  Oh, you wanna see angry?  I'll give you angry.  Rage, rage, rage.

The greatest irony to me is that she tells our therapist that she's "afraid" of my anger. I fear for my life during her rages, and she's afraid of me when I'm pissed about something barely worth being angry about. 

I am not "allowed" to be angry.  It is one of her unspoken rules of life.

I believe that the only anger I'd ever have that would really justify her fear of me is if I caught her having a sexual affair with someone.  I'm not sure how I would handle it, but I would have to remove myself from the situation pretty quickly to prevent either of us from doing serious harm.  If I was that angry, and her response is always, "I can be more angry x 1,000" I would hope that I would just leave.

I do, after all, have a 48 year Peace Streak.  No violence.  Ever.

If I'm angry about something, I know I cannot "discuss" this or share this with my wife.  I blow off steam by getting in my car and listening to TOOL, Rage Against the Machine or Nine Inch Nails- REALLY loud.  I used to go smash a tennis ball against a hitting wall (with my tennis racket, not some sledgehammer), or go to the gym, to release my fury a bit, but I think my answer to the question posed by the OP is:

Never, ever, never tell my BPD wife I'm angry at her.

It is just not worth it.

I can, and HAVE to tell her that I WAS angry, or the relationship would be just too unhealthy for me.  I say something like, "I was angry 2 months ago, but no longer am, that you drove around town for 3 days spewing oil everywhere, and the best solution you could come up with was to pack a huge industrial sized bottle of CAstrol in the back? How about taking the car to the Firestone shop that is 50 ft away from where you park everyday for work?"  And always be prepared to duck and run.

It is still super unhealthy for me to "hold" my anger until safe, controlled discharge can be dealt with in another venue.  I am beginning to think this is why I have HYPERTENSION, and am now on a BP med.  It certainly is not the only factor, but contributes.

There is no way to keep my anger in the moment because if I let it out, I fear for my Self.  This is no way to live.

Surg_Bear 

[satahal]

Thank you Surg-bear.

I've been reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline" by Margalis Fjelstad and she plainly says the same: you can not ever express your anger to the borderline. I believe she goes one step further and says you can't express your feelings to the borderline.

I've found that even when I approach him about something that bothers me when we're both calm, he may ruminate and end up reacting to it days later, if not right then.

It can't be healthy. Sure tolerance is good. Every little thing doesn't need to be brought up but with a BPD person, the amount and degree of offense is probably greater than what comes up with a non so it's a huge challenge to ignore it all.

I don't know about yours but my pwBPD is super intuitive and always on me for the subtlest shift in my mood or attention towards him. He will harass me relentlessly to find out what's bothering me - it's not like I can suppress it and he doesn't notice and life goes on - I suppose that happens with the smaller annoyances but the bigger stuff like his inappropriate behavior with other women, going MIA, lying and secrecy - I don't say anything but sometimes I boiling inside. I've faked a headache just for an excuse to lie down in the other room away from him.

If I were to suddenly go out to the car to listen to music or go to the gym - he'd flip out as it was not a prescheduled event. He doesn't handle last minute changes well.

I do worry about the health consequences of this relationship. I feel like I'm in a constant state of stress. Every little jab, zing, countering, silent treatment, accusation of an affair I feel that spike of adrenalin or cortisol (not sure which it is) in my stomach/chest area. It's worrisome.

[Lucky Jim]

It is still super unhealthy for me to "hold" my anger until safe, controlled discharge can be dealt with in another venue.  I am beginning to think this is why I have HYPERTENSION, and am now on a BP med.  It certainly is not the only factor, but contributes.

I agree, Surg Bear.  Unexpressed anger (or other feelings) can have a negative impact on one's health.  Some research suggests that suppressed feelings are a big factor in back pain.

I spent a lot time "pretending" in my marriage to a pwBPD, which didn't feel good.  Now, I strive to be authentic, with sounds easy but requires work.  Yet there is strength in finding out who one really is.  As Nietzsche says, "Become who you are."

LuckyJim

[Svarl1]

I don't know about yours but my pwBPD is super intuitive and always on me for the subtlest shift in my mood or attention towards him. He will harass me relentlessly to find out what's bothering me ... .

If I were to suddenly go out to the car to listen to music or go to the gym - he'd flip out as it was not a prescheduled event. ... .

I feel that spike of adrenalin or cortisol (not sure which it is) in my stomach/chest area. It's worrisome.

Blimey ... .  those words hit home for me.

Thinking about it, I can see why BPD is sometimes linked with narcissism.

My partner can appear very modest, reasonable,  even self-effacing at times.  She is very quick to pick up on others being show-offs or snobs.

BUT

She can be angry with me whenever she feels justified (quite often),  but if I make the slightest complaint to her she will turn it around in an instant,  with virtuoso rhetorical skills, and have me on my back foot in no time.

In the past she has given me hell for being attracted to other women, imposed restrictions on my movements,  curtailed my personal hygiene, numerous other punishments.

However she has found justification for going out and bringing random guys back to our house (the home I had paid for)  and i would not DARE raise an angry word or even know how to broach the subject. (Thankfully that stuff is in the past.)

So the pW BPD can easily seem to justify different standards of behavior for themselves and their partners.

To me that does seem like narcissism.  Or snobbery.

It makes for an empty life for the partner, as there just isn't space to even risk a different opinion. How can one grow and be an individual human under such circumstances?

I hope you manage to get out samanthal, I really do, because I know how stifling it all is. You are doing the right thing by earning your own money so you can be independent. You'll make it.

Best wishes

[satahal]

Thanks Svarl1.

Stifling is it in a word. I can't move, choose, or simply be without a negative reaction from him - and then there's the anticipation of a reaction and the mental gymnastics exercised to preempt it. Ugh. Why am I here?

It's like having a pet lion - all my efforts are in keeping him content and happy. Who gives a whit about keeping me happy? He just wants us all revolving around him all the time and he still thinks it's the opposite. My only peace is simply the absence of his wrath, which isn't a real peace.

Like yours, my pwBPD can be quite modest and reasonable at times. He is truly quite good company when he's not being bad company, which was the intermittent reinforcement that keep me in this r/s.

Hs bad time to good time ratio has gotten really skewed towards mostly bad times. I started taking my life back maybe a year ago - I started refusing to having sex with him twice a day - a schedule I'd maintained for 7 years until my health no longer permitted it. I started insisting on some boundaries being respected - no arguments at bedtime for instance and no drinking and driving with my child in the car.

I'm just tired. My choices are to engage with his constant attacks and needling, need for coddling and boundary pushing or to deal with him stomping around here like an overgrown toddler. Neither. I want neither. I want out.

[Lucky Jim]

It's like having a pet lion - all my efforts are in keeping him content and happy. Who gives a whit about keeping me happy? He just wants us all revolving around him all the time and he still thinks it's the opposite. My only peace is simply the absence of his wrath, which isn't a real peace.

Like how you put that about having a pet lion, Samanthal.  No, the absence of wrath is no real peace, because you can step on a land mine at anytime.  My BPDxW was angry all the time, and I started catching her fleas!   

LuckyJim