Worried I'm in denial over the break/break-up but too depressed to reach out

[nomoremommyfood]

Again, I'm sorry if I'm monopolizing the message boards. I have about a billion posts about the world of pain that qualifies as my existence, but they begin with a super long explanation. Writing seems to help, as does input from people who've dealt with/are dealing with very long term partners suddenly discarding them.

The shortest update possible: I'd been with my x?/dBPDbf for 8.5 years. We got into a fight May 27 and he blocked me on Facebook. After hearing "you're dumped!" every time we fought, I resisted contacting him in the hope that he'd take accountability for his actions. After 3 nightmarish weeks, his friend convinced him to call me. I expected the call would end the fight but learned his silence was an attempt to go NC and end the relationship. We agreed to take a break, I began working on ways to improve the relationship and invited him for a casual hangout. It would have been a nice, relaxed time, if he hadn't mentioned breaking up every five minutes - and that he'd only told me it was a "break" to get me off the phone.

I haven't contacted him or heard from him, since. At first, I wanted to put the ball in his court and was hoping - after standing by him for 8.5 years - he'd miss me. I've since become severely depressed. I've been committed to him for so long, sworn to stand by him despite all his flaws, gone out of my way for him for year, and it means nothing to me. I've heard a few people (on here) that he'll eventually come around and I'm clinging to that thread of hope. On the other hand, other people tell me "he never loved you", "you can do so much better", and "get over it." I don't know what to do and I'm crushed.

The depression is making everything so much harder. At this point, getting out of bed is a daily struggle, I've lost a lot of weight and I'm afraid my doctor will send me to the psych ward when he sees me tomorrow - not good when my whole argument rested on my "showing him I can be mentally stable." Yesterday, my therapist advised me not to contact him, based on currently being too fragile to handle rejection or a negative reaction. So my hands are tied and the ball is in his court, entirely.

Every day is a new nightmare. Last year, my best friend killed himself. This year, the love of my life left me (I think). The majority of my friends ditched me in the space of a week. And I just discovered my state froze funding to the field where I work.

I know this isn't a forum for just general misery, but - if my bf came back - or even gave some indication that he missed me, it would mean so much. But I feel like I'm just grabbing at straws and totally in denial. Are his actions speaking for themselves?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

Whatever anyone else is saying, you are allowed to feel the feelings you have and it is you who decides what meaning the relationship has for you.

Obviously no one here can tell you what your ex boyfriend is really thinking. If he is really BPD, he will say one thing, then change his mind later, then... change it again. Because he is unstable and is dysregulating.

You mentioned that it is really important to him that you are stable. You have mentioned using drugs and alcohol as coping mechanisms. You have lost too much weight and are clearly not taking proper care of yourself.

I really do know how gut wrenching this sort of thing can be. It can find every weak spot you have and burn you into ash.

He is clearly needing to sort his own self out. Leave him to it for the time being. I am not saying block him or whatever, but going silent and getting busy taking care of yourself is a priority right now. This cannot be put off.

Since you are planning on seeing your doc, is there anything you can think of until then that you can do to help stabilize yourself. Like making sure to eat regular meals? Make sure to tuck yourself into sleep, make sure there is something that you can get out of bed for and go do?

You sound so low, maybe your doctor can advise you on some meds and counseling. You are very important, too. You have a life to live and you deserve to live it as happily as possible. 

[nomoremommyfood]

Would it be so bad if I just sent him a friendly text?

I don't want him to totally erase me from him mind - I said that, even if we broke up, we'd be amiable. Not speaking isn't amiable.

Sorry, I walked by a sign he and I used to joke about and, normally, I would text him. I have enough anti-anxiety meds that I can relieve some of my nerves if he ignores it. I don't want to catch him on a weekend while he's out partying.

I saw the doc, today. I'm already on medication and he raised the dose with an adjunct to be added if things don't improve. He wants me to consider an IOP (intensive outpatient) or inpatient if things get worse. Actually, he originally wanted me to go to NA just to get out of the house, but I refused as it would do nothing to address my relationship problems.

Here's the conundrum: I feel like, if I don't remind him of my presence, he'll forget about me. And I lose any chance of getting him back. If let him know I'm still around, I risk even worse rejection. And also lose any chance of getting him back.

He's also put me in a terrible place where I don't know if I'm supposed to be getting over him - a process that could years. So I have to pull myself out of a severe depressive episode without knowing if I've truly been abruptly dumped after 8.5 years.

[Daniell85]

He is disregulating and taking you down with him.

My boyfriend has been giving me silent treatment over a month now, and I have been in this situation numerous times. Truly, I know how anxiety provoking it is. So painful. It's his choice not to speak to me. About once a week, looking back on Skype, I have said hi to him. He ignores. I feel dumb, and it hurts and then I feel angry.

There is a compulsion to try and re-connect, so it's understandable that you are feeling that.

No one here can tell you what your guy is going to do or how he will respond or if he will. If he IS disregulating, you probably won't get any outcome you are ok with until maybe after he calms down.

All of that being said, I am concerned for you. You are really in a tough place and clearly are needing to stabilize. It's really important for you. He is NOT going to forget about you in the space of a few weeks. Or a week, if you step back and try and sort yourself.

What I have had to do is redirect myself to process all of the new information I learned about BPD. And re-set my expectations. Are you still having the old expectations of possibly "normal" behavior from him?

I am finding as I re-set my expectations, my capacity becomes greater.

I don't know what else to say, or how to help. I just feel for you so much and am so sorry you are finding yourself in such hurt. 

[nomoremommyfood]

Thank you for your help! I'm still stuck in a depressive episode, so my apologies for not offering my thanks, earlier.

So things have gotten a little weird.

I ended up going out with another guy last Saturday. Apparently, he'd run into my x?/bf and ended up calling me to go out to dinner. Of course, my first thought was panic - "Henry" (fake name) must've told him he'd dumped me. But, apparently (and I certainly asked plenty of times), he never mentioned me. I got the impression that he's all excited about his "new life": his new apartment, his new friends, his new roommate, even buying new glasses (I suspect he may be on a gambling win... .he never has money for necessities. I've bought his groceries for months, before when he's struggled). Which means me. I guess that's what I get for standing by him for thick or thin and when he was struggling - tossed because I'm old news."

I really hope he's on a winning streak. And I really hope his tower crashes everywhere - and his old relationships weren't causing his unhappiness -  in 5... .4... .3... .2... .

I was always afraid this would happen but I never thought it would happen like this. I remember he had a friend since high school (he's 42) who he suddenly discarded about four years ago. I found it a little odd how easy it was for him to get rid of someone and not look back, but justified it by the fact that his friend was clearly toxic; he'd sponsor his gambling addiction in a very creepy way; almost as if he enjoyed watching him suffer when he lost. I didn't think he'd just discard someone who's intentions were pure. Or, if he truly wanted out, he'd give me the respect of, uh, telling me instead of making me feel even more worthless.

The guy I saw last weekend is supposed to hang out with me, today. Ive actually liked him for a while though made it really clear that I'm the definition of "damaged goods" right now. It's certainly a nice ego boost, though, and I wouldn't mind even friendly hangouts. I kind of expect him to ditch out on me, though. After this long, I don't have any idea what to expect and I'm pretty messed up from having 8.5 years not even warrant a goodbye. At this point, I expect everything to go wrong.

It's been another three weeks since we "took a break" (or, rather, he told me we took a break to shut me up), which was supposed to me a return to amicable, friendly interaction. This is not friendly. This is how you treat your enemy. So much for "let's just be good friends."

I still want to drop some reminder of my existence - just a "[insert pop culture reference], hope you're doing good" and am worried the more time that passes, the worse. I feel like the longer I wait, the worse, but I can't bear the reaction. And, we agreed on no seeing other people during the break, but he also agreed to the break in a deceptive manner.

Sorry, there are a lot of questions. I'm also kind of worried that he's painting me as clingy, needy, and desperate across the city - and leaving out the part where he walked out on an 8.5 year relationship without a word. I feel like I should have my say to protect my reputation. I never thought someone who supposedly cared about me more than anyone would treat me like literal trash and I have no idea how he'll treat me when my back is turned.

Sorry for the novel, again. This is situation everyone dreads, I'm living it, and totally unable to cope with this burden.