Resisting Affirmations

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Tell me if this is unusual... .

In the last couple of months I started reading up on things that I've dealt with. It started with self-loathing, low self esteem, so on and so forth. Then I would start searching on how self-forgiveness and a lot of things about healing after trauma, and repairing one's sense of self.

The problem I had with just about everything I read was that everything was predicated on how "we all have value." How we're all human beings and by virtue of our existence we somehow deserve love and happiness. This stuff would just make me cringe.

I just fail to see how my life in particular has any real value. So I resist these words, hate them even. Anyone else ever feel or at some point felt this way?

[Vatz]

Tell me if this is unusual... .

In the last couple of months I started reading up on things that I've dealt with. It started with self-loathing, low self esteem, so on and so forth. Then I would start searching on how self-forgiveness and a lot of things about healing after trauma, and repairing one's sense of self.

The problem I had with just about everything I read was that everything was predicated on how "we all have value." How we're all human beings and by virtue of our existence we somehow deserve love and happiness. This stuff would just make me cringe.

I just fail to see how my life in particular has any real value. So I resist these words, hate them even. Anyone else ever feel or at some point felt this way?

[eeks]

I used to relate to your deeply, deeply entrenched lack of self-esteem.  And I have to assume that the solution is different for everyone, but I have had a sort of bizarre culmination of experiences lately.  I personally believe it is nearly impossible to just tell yourself you are worthy and actually believe it, you need to have different (positive) experiences with people, and - this is key - you need to be able to actually take in the positive experiences that you do have.  And believe them.  For me, that took repetition repetition repetition.

I did some beginner contact improv classes (I'm sure there's videos on Youtube if you don't know what that is) and so I was able to participate with the people who do it at the conscious dance parties I was already going to.  I have received some attention from men there.  I also contacted someone I connected with at a birthday party a few months ago.  He has a girlfriend, and is polyamorous and for a while I thought he might be interested in me, and maybe he still is, but I am not sure if I am into it.  :)oesn't matter, I am enjoying our friendship and I think he feels the same, and I'm going to a party at his place on Saturday.  

This sort of immersion in social interactions is what it took for me.  Interacting with different people, observing how their responses to me are different (and which parts are the same).  

I want to emphasize that this was a long long long time coming and I've spent a long time alone.  Why it is all happening now, who knows.  And somewhat weird, and not in line with cultural standards, to suddenly be so magnetic to men at age 36 when it just didn't happen when I was younger.

It's almost like, you don't even really need to think about or pin down "does my life have value or not", just keep moving, keep engaging in whatever activities feel like they help you learn about your interactions with others.

[Butterflygirl]

This is key - you need to be able to actually take in the positive experiences that you do have.  And believe them.  For me, that took repetition repetition, repetition.

I am the academic type [book worm] so I have learned a lot in my life. The most important thing I have learned is the power of affirmations to change your life. The mind believes what you tell it. It cannot differentiate between the truth and the lie. It is like a computer. It does what the downloaded software tells it to do. Nothing more; nothing less.

So when I change how I think [at first I had to force myself] then it changes how I feel. This is the basic idea of cognitive behavioral therapy which is quickly replacing traditional psychodynamics. [I love both.] It all started in a twelve step program when my sponsor insisted that the glass was half full and that there is always a silver lining. It worked on my depression and cynicism as well as my addiction to self-pity.

A few months ago I got a parking ticket. I immediately chose to think that the money would go to the local homeless shelter. I felt better immediately.

From the hypnotists of old to CBH with the power of positive thinking somewhere in the middle .  . . this is the greatest force for change in my opinion.

P.S. This is re-discovered every twenty years. In my life it was Norman Vincent Peale and the Power of Positive Thinking. Then the Course of Miracles. Recently it is the book called "The Secret." The truth is eternal and this is a great gift from God.

[eeks]

This is key - you need to be able to actually take in the positive experiences that you do have.  And believe them.  For me, that took repetition repetition, repetition.

I am the academic type [book worm] so I have learned a lot in my life. The most important thing I have learned is the power of affirmations to change your life. The mind believes what you tell it. It cannot differentiate between the truth and the lie.

I read a few years ago that they did a study showing that affirmations only helped people who already felt good, feel better.  Those who felt bad, felt worse when they said them.  They hypothesized that this was because even though they were reciting the affirmation, deep down they knew what their true feelings were.  So I don't think it's as simple as you say.

I prefer approaches that accept emotions (Nonviolent Communication) and treat emotions as important information for self-awareness (e.g. Karla McLaren)

[Butterflygirl]

I read a few years ago that they did a study showing that affirmations only helped people who already felt good, feel better.  Those who felt bad, felt worse when they said them.  They hypothesized that this was because even though they were reciting the affirmation, deep down they knew what their true feelings were.  So I don't think it's as simple as you say. I prefer approaches that accept emotions (Nonviolent Communication) and treat emotions as important information for self-awareness (e.g. Karla McLaren)

Thank you for this important insight. I guess I should be more patient with those who resist affirmations. If this is true then my story is more of a miracle than I realized. I have tried to take my life twice. In therapy I learned that my depression began at the age of five when I was sodomized by my grandmother. Fast forward to my nervous breakdown when I was 32. I was sent to AA and they inundated me with the idea that the glass was half full. Then I read "Feeling Good," by David Burns. Then I adopted positive thinking not as a recited affirmation, but as an attitude, and it worked for me.

But your point is well taken because just before the affirmations and positive outlook,  I did experience several things that made me feel better. I found recovery. I found fellowship in AA. I found God. I found hope after years of despair. So maybe affirmations are just icing on the cake but  for me they keep me from falling back into old patterns. When my sister, mother, daughter and life's partner all died within two years, it was my optimism which kept me sane [and my faith].

So thank you for clarifying this and bringing me this insight. You have to do more than just recite affirmations. I get it. Namaste.  



 

[fromheeltoheal]

Tell me if this is unusual... .

In the last couple of months I started reading up on things that I've dealt with. It started with self-loathing, low self esteem, so on and so forth. Then I would start searching on how self-forgiveness and a lot of things about healing after trauma, and repairing one's sense of self.

The problem I had with just about everything I read was that everything was predicated on how "we all have value." How we're all human beings and by virtue of our existence we somehow deserve love and happiness. This stuff would just make me cringe.

I just fail to see how my life in particular has any real value. So I resist these words, hate them even. Anyone else ever feel or at some point felt this way?

Hey Vatz-

So you're looking for possible solutions to feelings of self-loathing, low self-esteem, and self-forgiveness, and what you've found so far is the suggestion that you adopt the belief "we all have value", and that isn't working for you, in fact it's making you cringe.

Affirmations on their own are empty, it's like going into your garden and chanting "there's no weeds, there's no weeds", which doesn't work; if there's weeds we gotta pull 'em out.  Faith without works is dead.  Heard that somewhere.

So the first step is to decide what you want to believe; sometimes the best way is to discover a disempowering belief you already have, "I'm an idiot" for example, which we may affirm to ourselves often, and then find something empowering to believe instead.  What would a more empowering belief be?  And then we can make it an affirmation, I prefer incantation, more powerful, we can chant it to ourselves, doing it driving is fun, you get some pretty cool stares from people, and that repetition, with lots of energy and commitment, adjusts our focus to the new belief.  And then, and this is key, we need to look for and create references to support that belief.  For example, if you decide to believe that you are "smart and ambitious", can you think of a time when you showed up smart and/or showed up ambitious?  We all can, dig a little.  And then, with ongoing incantations, focus shift, and intentional behaviors that show us we're smart and ambitious, the belief grows and becomes stronger, because we are consciously supporting it with more references.  Ever done something and amazed the crap out of yourself how well you did?  And then you think 'yeah, that was me, I'm awesome'.  And it was true.  And it was a reference for a belief.  What if we did that on purpose to support beliefs we want?  Life of our dreams baby!

So what do you want to believe about yourself, other people and the world?  What do you believe now?  No screwing around, faith without works is dead, yes? 

[Blimblam]

vatz,

You might want to look into the material the therapists actually learn and read to become therapists. The thing with affirmations is they can only reinforce something already established within your psyche. The people I met really into affirmations kind of scared me like I found them to be some of the most judgemental people of all and like they were in some sort of weird cult where they brainwash themselves and each other through self hypnosis. They sort of reminded me of jehovas witnesses in that if you didn't buy into their speil you were going to hell or something and they were there to offer me the path to salvation.  Also a lot of the books in the self help sections are essentialy simplified processed crap.  You are broken and only faith in my system can fix you blah blah and so on and so forth. They tend to feel like this for me... . https://youtu.be/c_4-R0_Jkn0

"I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!"

[Vatz]

All good points.

Since the post I've worked to be more proactive at dealing with the issue.

Though I may never fix the way I see myself, I can at least have done something with what time I have.

But I'm also learning just how difficult it is to get up and go out, meet new people, have new experiences. It's like working out at the gym. Sure, nowadays I don't go a week without at least going twice but before I'd skip out by weeks, months. One time I took a year off  I can't even imagine what the hell was going through my head that made that okay. It's lifestyle. Even though I'm not some olympic athlete, I'm still getting somewhere with what I'm doing.

So in regards to my social anxiety and poor self-image, I have to face it and make a habit of getting out and talking to people. Easier said than done, but it has to be better than this.

I suppose if I had to list some positive things, I'd say that there are a few things about me that I like. I'll have to build on that.

[fromheeltoheal]

But I'm also learning just how difficult it is to get up and go out, meet new people, have new experiences. It's like working out at the gym. Sure, nowadays I don't go a week without at least going twice but before I'd skip out by weeks, months. One time I took a year off  I can't even imagine what the hell was going through my head that made that okay. It's lifestyle. Even though I'm not some olympic athlete, I'm still getting somewhere with what I'm doing.

So in regards to my social anxiety and poor self-image, I have to face it and make a habit of getting out and talking to people. Easier said than done, but it has to be better than this.

I suppose if I had to list some positive things, I'd say that there are a few things about me that I like. I'll have to build on that.

Good metaphor, the gym.  Ever notice that what we usually do is look in the mirror and go 'yuck, I'm fat and out of shape, I need to get my ass to the gym' or we just want to feel better about our body in general, so we've got the strong goal, but the actual going to the gym a working out is painful, tiring, not fun.  And then after a while, we still have the strong goal, but the process of going to the gym itself has become fun, we're noticing some results, might have made some friends there, look forward to it, which is ideal really because not only are we having a good time, we're moving towards our goal.

Meeting people socially is the same.  We have a goal of populating our lives with people who care about us and respect us, and vice versa, great, but then the process can be anxiety-producing, we doubt ourselves, feel uncomfortable, but just like the gym, after a while the process itself gets fun, we notice some progress and momentum builds.  The first step is the hardest.

[Butterflygirl]

This is a story about old ideas . . . you have probably heard it before.

A little boy was crying and he asked God to fix his broken toy. Nothing happened and the little boy asked what was taking so long. God responded, "I will fix your toy as soon as you let go."

As others have shared, information is only the first step. Then you must be self-aware. You must watch yourself as you are and then make a list of attitude changes which, in turn, you must remember, internalize and then act on. It is easier to replace something than to let go. I was an alcoholic and  did not stop drinking so much as I went to AA instead. I carried a list of "alternative behaviors, attitudes, thoughts, emotions, etc for years. I refereed to it often and prayed for the strength to do something different each day. Some people call this a Tenth Step. I believe my prayers were a form of self-talk or downloading new information with new ideas. It took time but the new me emerged and looks for the silver lining in all things.

Old Alanon story. A woman walks down the street and steps into a pit. The next day she walked down the street and sees the pit but stumbles in. The next day she walks around the pit carefully. Finally, she stops walking down that street.

Awareness is replaced with something more substantial.

The same applies to other things like gratitude. It is not feeling good when things are going our way, but an "attitude of gratitude" when chaos is everywhere.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I'd start with believable ones. Instead of "I'm wonderful!" you say "I'm a good guy" or "I'm alright"

You can always tone it down until it's at least almost believable.

These are my affirmations.

I'm a survivor and thriver

I'm kind

I'm helpful

I'm a good guy

I'm capable and courageous

I don't need to walk on eggshells

I accept myself 100%

I'm smart

The door of my heart is always open to me

Although the most helpful thing for me has been Metta Meditation directed at myself. Which is Buddhist loving kindness meditation.

Here's a link for one where you do it to everyone, I suggest just doing the first part, which is just to yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3uLqt69VyI