Mom in Crisis

[Turkish]

So what's new?  

On June 4th, she was assaulted by some scumbag she invited onto her property. She's a hoarder; she needed the help. After 2 weeks it went to hell. I have talked to her 3 times since then. I called her tonight, and she didn't remember telling me. She said she talked to a person whom I went to high school with who wanted to contact me, but she said no. I had my own stuff to deal with (my daughter's molestation by her uncle). I live 2.5 hours away by car. However, my best friend, who is like a brother, lives close to my mom. He even asked me if he needed to go check on her or bring her supplies. She refused this offer last time, and I kept remnding her that I knew the story since I had talked to her 3x in the past month.

She said she heard through the small, county grapevine that the scumbag had assaulted another elderly lady. My mom resisted going to the hospital weeks ago, but said she was going this coming Monday.  She's a nurse, and if anything, unddrexaggerates pain, so i know she's serious. I have my kids this weekend. I said that I'd see her Sat morning. I also told her that this is the year we may have to make hard choices. She has 5 acres in the forest. Its nice property, despite the hoard and the ramshackle cabin. But I don't think she'll survive this coming winter. She said she's still in major pain from the assault. My mom's a nurse, and tough. she doesn't exaggerate these things.

I said we're going to visit her sat morning. Due to her hoard, there's no place to sit, and I don't want my kids going into her house to use the bathroom. It's a version out of an episode of that tv show. Horrible.

It sounds like, however, that her internal injuries are slow to heal. I can't fathom why she's waited a month to go to the hospital. She likes to suffer? Maybe.

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this from a distance while you are concerned for her.  This sounds like a tough position to be in... .in many ways.

Is it that being a nurse... .she knows what the doctors will do for treatment and doesn't feel that they have more to offer her than what she can manage herself?  Or sometimes people in medicine are actually less trusting of medical pple?  Is she being avoidant for some reason?

[Turkish]

I think one, because she's stubborn and tough. However, she said that she didn't want to start trouble. Shame? She's 73. I think she still views herself as 43.

Laying at home, suffering for 3 weeks bugs me. She has people checking on her, but my brother from another mother really has no problem with helping. And he's 15 mins away. She lovrs to suffer, as weird as that may sound. Or maybe it's just her turning her pain inward. Hermit...

[Sunfl0wer]

This sounds weird, however, I have had times in my life where I did just want to sit and wallow/feel my pain.  For me... .it felt a bit of an odd type of validation... .  To see the outward visible expression of pain on my body... .either by bruises or dysfunction of some sort.  I have felt a bit comforted by my body matching my inner experience that I was unable to express or bring forth on my own from a repression of emotion.

[Turkish]

Thanks for the insight. Maybe you need an outside influence to "shock" you into coming back from that? I can relate on an emotional level on turning inwards. I need to empathize rather than being judgemental.

[bethanny]

Turkish,

Serenity prayer time for you seriously.  

We did a lot of parenting of the parents growing up.  As they age in a functional family that is the time for the adult children to step up and do right by their parents.  But what happens when there was so much toxicity to be recovered from that we are not capable of serving them as adults?  And that we have our own responsibilities.  Even to our own serenity and maybe sanity.

How tough for you. And she certainly seems a very proud and independent woman.  

I am lucky that my brothers stepped up to help my mother going through physical problems, severe ones, at the end of her life since I was maintaining LC and my father was still drinking excessively.  His drinking haunted me for his pain and also for the helplessness of my mother alone and vulnerable with him at times, though there was help provided directly and indirectly by my brothers who lived close at that point.  

It broke my heart and increased my survivor guilt and just plain guilt, especially since my role as caretaking and self-denying daughter had been encouraged and mandated all my childhood and young adulthood by my mother and she focused on caretaking her aunt and mother to a great degree as they aged and endured illnesses.

Should and could I have done more?  Was I excessively and toxically and selfishly overly self-protective?  

I had to make some hard and heartbreaking and guilt-inducing choices.  I did what I felt I could give.

The older I get the more I see what wounded children my parents were and their parents before them.  

Recovery or worsening addiction.  Things don't seem to keep a status quo, they either get worse or better.  We have to choose to live in the solution or the problem.  As do those significant in our lives whom we care for even though they have attachment disorders when it comes to us.

Their endangering and neglecting themselves is so hard to bear. But we have to not re-enter a destructive FOG.

Serenity prayer.

Best,

Bethanny

[Turkish]

So I got more of the story. I ran into her neighbors driving out on the dirt road last night. I figured it was them one of us had to pull to the side to get by. They backed up to let me by the one lane dirt road, and I pulled up next to them. I said, "Hi, are you [mom's name] neighbors?" They said yes. I introduced myself. They said that they weren't aware that my mom had any relatives. That was weird, as my mom usually likes to brag about me and her grandchildren (they were in the back of my car... .this was about 10 at night).

I got yet another version of the story: that the neighbor had a sherrif friend who kicked the guy off my mom's property. He also said that the health department had started a file on my mom (for the hoarding in the yard... .God help them if they ever enter the house). I said that this was a mental disorder (hoarding), and also that her inviting scumbags on her property wasn't something new, but that I thought she'd learned her lesson. I said that the county starting a file ,au be good as it might force her to abandon her property and move to the city with us. Then the guy back tracked, saying that they liked my mom, but that they didn't think she was all there. That she often talked to the guy's wife of events 6 years ago as if they had just happened.  I gave him my number, saying that despite me living 130 miles away,.I had someone close I could call to go asses any situations. He assumed I lived close. I said no. If I did, I would have been here. I briefly told him the situation with my kids limited me.

We had breakfast this morning. My buddy's wife, who's known my mom for 15 years said, "your mom's always kind of had her own views about things, but she's always been strong. Today, I sensesed her strength is gone." Probably true. I was busy corralling S5 and D3 (mostly my daughter) at breakfast. I saw my mom and her talking.

Depression, BPD, and dementia... .not a good mix...

My mom implied that she wanted help cleaning up the yard from the mess that they guy had left, but truthfully, I couldn't see much difference. I couldn't stay long... we had a place to sit outside, but there is no way I would let the kids in the house to use the bathroom. The stench is so unbelievable that even I can't go in there anymore. Mildew, animal waste, and cigarette smoke... The cure for that house is 5 gallons of diesel and a match.

Today she asked me if I could teach her how to use the stun gun she bought. I asked if I could use it on her Chihuahua (for training purposes). She said no 

.

[HappyChappy]

I can't fathom why she's waited a month to go to the hospital. She likes to suffer? Maybe.

Sorry to hear about your mother's attack and issues with your daughter, sounds like you’re having a hard time right now. I know my parents were brought up not to make a fuss (stiff upper lip). I also know that people working in the medical system here don't like people wasting Dr's time (especially in A&E). Or  do you think your mom avoided help as she doesn’t want to draw attention to her odd behaviour ?

Being positive about the hording, your mom is unlikely to suffer a burglary. Do you think getting a valuation on her property might tempt your mom to sell up ?  You did say she likes get rich quick schemes. Wishing you peace.

[Kwamina]

Hi Turkish

Today she asked me if I could teach her how to use the stun gun she bought. I asked if I could use it on her Chihuahua (for training purposes). She said no  

Good to see you still have your sense of humor!

I am glad that you have had the chance now to assess the situation yourself. I hope your mother really does go see a doctor now. It's very unfortunate that she has been walking around with these injuries for so long before seeking help. Now that you've seen her, how do you feel she looks health-wise?

And how have your kids reacted to seeing their grandmother?

[Turkish]

"Unlikely to suffer a burglary," .

At this point, abandoning it and letting the back county scavengers come (you'd be surpised) would be a positive. Before the real estate market tanked, I encouraged her to sell. She's emotionally tied to the property.

The kids liked seeing her, especially since she had birthday bags for them. D3 was a bit of a crabby a by due to the driving. My mom doesn't get that just can't hang there for a few hours and help her out. I did get a short story on an incident which is an example of how my mom gets into trouble with people, even having had fallings out with close friends:

He heard the guy cussing his mom out on the phone. My mom approached the guy and said that he shouldn't talk to his mom like that and that she wouldn't tolerate such language. He told her that his mom did this or that. My mom said that the bible commands us to honor our parents. Here I chimed in and said, "the guy is like that for a reason. You don't know the story or how his mom is." My mom replied, "She probably doesn't know that she needed to have a heavier hand with him, or didn't raising him." 

There is likely a smidgeon of truth there, but you don't talk to an adult like that. I had previously thought that a grown man attacking old ladies was likely acting out anger towards his own mother (I had in the back of my mind the example of the serial killer with the abusive mother that Lawson talks about in her book). Not very wisemind of her. That isn't early dementia, that's my mom. I look back at so many broken friendships over the years and it's likely that they ended by something my mom said out of the blue which devolved into something she wasn't emotionally capable of salvaging. Learning to use a stun gun isn't going to help; learning to communicate better, have healthy boundaries, and correctly reading situations is.

[Turkish]

I traveled with the kids this past weekend to see her. When I called from a nearby town (to guarantee cell service because it's a rural mountain community), she said, "oh good, I can use some help cleaning up the yard from the mess the guy left." I'm traveling hours with a 3 and 5 year old. I can't take time to help, but I didn't say that.

When I got there, I noticed only marginally more mess. So she exaggerated. Though D3 kept saying she wanted to go home, the kids were happy when she brought out birthday bags. The stuff f course reeked of the smell of her house. I washed the clothes and the dolls she got D3 yesterday and today.

We took her to dinner, and watched fireworks Friday night. That was a good time. I drove her 12 miles from town up to her property. It was after 10PM, and D3 was grumpy. As we were driving out the one lane dirt road, a car aporoached. I figured it was her neighbors I'd never met. I pulled up next to them in a wide space they had backed up to and rolled down my window, "Hi, are you Mama Turkish's neighbors?" The guy gave me a guarded look and replied yes. I said, "Hi, I'm Mama Turkish's son," and his demeanor switched to relief. "I didn't know that she had any relatives." I got out of the car to talk in person.

His story was that when he heard of the scumbag moving onto the property, he called a sherrif buddy to kick the guy out. So that's another thing I hadn't heard, and I don't know if I will ever know the real story. He said that he knew that the county had started a file on her for health reasons. So flash back to 1983-84 when the DA, the sherrif, the building department and eventually CPS was after her/us.

I said that in addition to her hoarding, my mom had a history of inviting scummy people onto her property. Ten years ago, I had to get my "posse" together to kick out a family of Traveller type people who had taken over her life. Then I remembered that when I was living out of state in the late 90s that my buddy and my other friend's dad evicted a woman and her family from my mom's property. That woman later ended up in prison for 5 years for the attempted murder of her boyfriend. She slashed his head with a knife. My mom knows how to pick her waifs!

I told the neighbor, "hoarding is a mental disorder, and this is a mess years in the making. Maybe if she's evicted by the county it's best." Then he back tracked, "your mom's a nice lady. I hate to see that happen, but I don't think she's all there. She talks to my wife of events 6 years ago as if my wife were there." He asked me why I didn't come up, and I explained that I was 2.5 hrs away, and gave a 30 second synopsis of D3's molestation, which further limited my availability.

We had breakfast the next day with my mom. My buddy's wife, who's known my mom for 15 years, said, "your mom's always had a different view on things, but she's always been strong. I don't sense the strength anymore."

On the way down to breakfast, my mom told me a story. She said that the guy was swearing on the phone at his mom. She aporoached him and said, "I won't have that language on my property!" So this was the triggger. This was the BPD, and explained so many failed friendships in the past. He said, "my mom needs to hear me!" My mom replied, "The Bible commands us to respect our parents." It went downhill from there. I told my mom that it was likely that he was the way he was due to his mom. She replied, "her mistake then and now is not being harder on her son." I let that one slide. No reasoning with that.

So today's drama was that I got a call from the neighbor. My mom had run her truck (my old 4x4 that I gave her because she lives at snow level) ff the road down an enbankment, into some trees. She was backing up a very straight dirt road and missed the turn around spot. Her yard iscnig enough to turn around, but of course it's covered with junk and two derelict vehicles... I gave the towing guy my AAA (towing service) number because my mom couldn't find her card.

So I'm driving up Sat morning to assess the situation. I'll suggest again that she move down to the city with us. The neighbor again today said, "she's not all there." He's right.

I probably should have called her tonight; I'll call tomorrow... She likely feels shame over this. A few months ago, she got the truck sruck on some jearby back road hunting for her lost Chihuahua. She had to call AAA then, too, but the guy put it in FWD and drove the truck out. Bobcat likely got the little dog.

With uBPDx,.D3's molestation, and this, I seriously feel like hermitting out. My T told me last year that "the strong are sometimes chosen to protect the weak." It sounds Biblical, or maybe from Spiderman, but I'm really struggling with not going full hermit about everything. Everyone knows that you never go full hermit, but right now it sounds appealing.

[Sunfl0wer]

Turkish,

I'd like to share some words of support, however, I'm really not sure how to choose them.  So please know the thought counts?  I admit... .I am reluctant to try to find a way to offer you support.  You appear as though you are holding it all together... .even when things are at you from all the angles.

Wow! If this is the type of stuff that is going on around your mom... .I can only imagine what things were like for you in the 80's!  

I have to commend you for sticking up to protect the 3&5 yr old from the molestation issue.  Things like that in my FOO: didn't really happen. It is a big mind funk how a disordered family processes things to maintain the balance of dysfunction. They are all lucky to have you in their corner.

So... .I wonder... .this is not the first statement that she is not all there... .

It sounds like it is time to consider where she will live soon?

[Turkish]

 I threw this out there a year ago. She said she wants to "die on the mountain." I actually sympathose, but winter will come and she diesnt have heat she survives when it's literally 28F in her house. I get her propane and space heaters each year so it's at least above freezing in her bedroom.

I'm sad to hear about the other stuff in your FOO. I feel like I came hers in BPD world... .then entered sexual abuse of children world. My mother was a victim from her dad. Years of rape. 25% of families experience degrees of this. I see his it affrcted my mim's personality, and now i:i've had to deal with it with my kids on a less or level, not to minimize what my kids experienced.

Regarding my mom, the evil actions of a man who committed despicable acts in the 1950s and 60s reverberate to the present.

[Kwamina]

Has your neighbor told you anything about how your mom is doing after running her truck off the road?

My mother was a victim from her dad. Years of rape.

... .

Regarding my mom, the evil actions of a man who committed despicable acts in the 1950s and 60s reverberate to the present.

That's terrible what happened to your mother :'( This doesn't excuse any of her abusive behavior towards you, but it does give more insights into the root of her dysfunction. You are already dealing with a lot right now so I'm not going into this matter further. One crisis at a time... .

[Turkish]

Has your neighbor told you anything about how your mom is doing after running her truck off the road?

My mother was a victim from her dad. Years of rape.

... .

Regarding my mom, the evil actions of a man who committed despicable acts in the 1950s and 60s reverberate to the present.

That's terrible what happened to your mother :'( This doesn't excuse any of her abusive behavior towards you, but it does give more insights into the root of her dysfunction. You are already dealing with a lot right now so I'm not going into this matter further. One crisis at a time... .

I moved out on my 18th birthday 25 years ago. The past is the past. I've alternated between LC to MC for two decades. uBPDx didn't help, and I'm angry at myself about that.

I just called her, no answer, and her answering machine is full. I'll call tomorrow during the day. I didn't feel like calling last night after talking to the tow truck driver to give him my AAA number. I should have. My mom likely was humiliated and felt shame. Bad son... .

[HappyChappy]

I didn't feel like calling last night after talking to the tow truck driver to give him my AAA number. I should have. My mom likely was humiliated and felt shame. Bad son... .

It is truly awful what’s happened to your Mom and daughter. But comparatively speaking Turkish you’ve done nothing wrong. My mom also has an extremely traumatic history and would use it as her excuses for her bad behaviour. But you’ve not just survived that and ensured history doesn’t repeat, but you give so much support to those around you which is remarkable. So don’t ever beat yourself up for minor mistakes, when those around you are making major ones.

With uBPDx,.D3's molestation, and this, I seriously feel like hermitting out. My T told me last year that "the strong are sometimes chosen to protect the weak." It sounds Biblical, or maybe from Spiderman, but I'm really struggling with not going full hermit about everything. Everyone knows that you never go full hermit, but right now it sounds appealing.

“To help other you must first help yourself”. Sound like you do more than you fair share of helping others, nothing wrong with taking a holiday from that.

But if you’re dead set on growing a beard and running around a forest naked, you don’t need to pretend you’re a hermit. Hermits arn't allowed Turkish baths.

[Turkish]

I talked to my mom just now, and she sounded WAY more alert than she has in a long time. She went to the doctor and she has hyoothyroidism (when she was in her 20s, it was hyoerthyroidism). So no she's on medication. The doctor was suprised she was ambulatory,.saying that her thyroid glands were basic all shut down. This accounted for her tiredness and lack of alertness, so maybe not dementia!

There was still some drama with the guy who assaulted her. She found out that the guy stole one of her little dogs. The TRO is still in place, so good luck to her calling the pound trying to get the dog back. Unhealthy people and small town politics is normal for her. I told her to give my number to her friends.

[Turkish]

"Turkish baths" HappyChappy, .

I'm not hearing the Peanuts adult voice anymore when it's suggested I take care of myself, or twist my head like a curious dog, so maybe I'm making progress. I internalize stress, and it's not good.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Turkish

I talked to my mom just now, and she sounded WAY more alert than she has in a long time. She went to the doctor and she has hyoothyroidism (when she was in her 20s, it was hyoerthyroidism). So no she's on medication. The doctor was suprised she was ambulatory,.saying that her thyroid glands were basic all shut down. This accounted for her tiredness and lack of alertness, so maybe not dementia!

I'm am glad to hear that your mom has gotten a proper diagnosis now and appropriate medication.

Great news too that her symptoms seem to have been caused by this thyroid issue and might not be the result of dementia!

[HappyChappy]

I talked to my mom just now, and she sounded WAY more alert than she has in a long time.

Great news.

My mom knows how to pick her waifs!

I notice my Mom has a habit of being drawn towards people with Narky behaviour. She will acknowledge they were abusive to her, but defend them if anyone else wants to criticise. I've read several times that a BPD can be drawn towards a NPD. Could that be what's happening with your Mom ?

[Sunfl0wer]

While the hypothyroid needs treatment and the treatment may improve her. 

Please consider that dementia has not been ruled out... .until it has in fact been ruled out.

The two present very differently than each other... .the doctor can determine this.

Please do not assume her mind will improve, rather, it would be wise to continue to monitor her from a far and continue to get the feedback from the neighbors.  The neighbors are your best source vs phone calls... .(as dementia can be hidden from families for many years via phone calls)

[Turkish]

Thanks for the truth, Sunfl0wer. You're right. That the neighbor never answered me is weird, too. I sense an agenda. It's like the previous neighbors, whom I knew fir 15 years, and had their own issues. Everyone expects me to swoop in waving a magic wand to fix everything.

I'm still going to try to get her out of there before winter, but if she's more lucid (stubborn), I can't do much. This mess of her making may have to catch up with her. She didn't mention her water about to be shut off. I've rescued her from that before, as well as electricity (Not to mention $5k to save her mortgage 15 years ago... .which in retrospect may have been the wrong decision). I'll keep monitoring... .

HC, I've never observed Narky people, but those low-functioning, and certainly self-serving. Like the Bowen theory that we attach to partners of similar emotional maturity, so does my mom. She's had a few "daughters" and those relationships have always died out. I made a minor critical comment about the last one and my mom turned it back on me like I was a jerk. I only called her "flaky." About two years later, my mom came to the same conclusion. Go figure.

[Turkish]

I went into the T session today intending to talk about the kids, but ended up talking about my mom for over half an hour. He stopped me at one point and asked, "when was the last time your mom took care of you?" I said that I had moved our n my 18th birthday. However, on my 21st bd, I was in a motorcycle accident. Broke my collarbone, and had several fractured ribs. I also had a concussion. The initial care I got was poor, but a friend at work traveled over the mountain to the coast to bring me home. I called my mom. She is an RN, very competent in nursing. She offered to come down and take care of me. Being a very independent lone wolf, I resisted, but eventually acceeded. She drove me to the hospital the next day (I could have driven, but it would have been difficult). That was the last time.

I had moved out of state when I was 27. Rescued her property in about 1999 to the tune of $5k. I took an advaonce on my credit cards since she typically waited until she was in crisis. Selling my company stock at the time would have been too slow. She paid off the property within a few years, and paid me a thousand back (not that I cared), but these days I think that maybe I should have let her fail and reap the consequences of her decisions, depression, and BPD aside. Then there was the $2k I gave her in roifing materials because she had a guy linrd up... .who faild. And plywood and tar paper sit in the yard rotting to this day.

[Sunfl0wer]

What was his point in asking you that?

[Kwamina]

He stopped me at one point and asked, "when was the last time your mom took care of you?"

I think your T asks some good questions! Here you are always taking care of everyone but who is taking care of Turkish? Being an independent lone wolf has his advantages but can also be quite tough, especially in times of crisis. Always having to bear the burden alone isn't easy and can turn a lone wolf into a lonely wolf. Good thing you now have your extended bpdfamily though

[Turkish]

What was his point in asking you that?

I think he was telling me I need to take care of myself. Can I disengage from the kids? No. From my Ex? Somewhat, thankfully she's more even now that she's married I guess it was me. Do I let my mom die? No. Do I let her possibly lose her 5 acres, or get kicked off her property by the health department? Most likely. If the water company shuts off service due to a late bill? Her problem stop buying plants and fruit trees

I'm not going to lose what I have to rescue what she has not been a good steward of, mental illnesses or not.