I just need a public cry? Sick and tired of sick and tired.

[Sunfl0wer]

This topic is not really a BPD issue... .

I just need to vent please?

I don't know where to go.

I feel so alone.  I hate this... .I hate times like this... .

My son has chronic...   but intermittent/relapsing health issues. 

He does not even have a damn diagnosis! 

I just want to fall apart tonight and have someone else take over my life for a week... .   please just let me come back when the pieces make sense.  Please make this make sense!  Please!

I took him to the doctor Monday for an odd rash that started as a small blotch, then quickly spread over his whole body.  Remember... .This is just one of many bizarre occurrences in his life... .of odd health issues.  This rash is possibly an indicator of an auto immune issue we suspect but cannot label.

I suspect there to be both and underlying neurological and auto immune issue at play that is rare.  We have been to so many specialists.  All are stumped.  We have spent so much time and money... .hospital stays for temporary paralysis... .other odd crap. 

We were referred to the nearest research hospital for this current issue.

(His insurance did not even clear this last month as it was supposed to... .our move caused some papers to get lost)

Anyway... .

He had seemed to been stable for the past year.  This was the longest stretch of stability he has had for the past 6 years!

I forgot about the years before this quiet one... .

The guinea pig procedures... .

The doubt and uncertainty of life... .

The devastation... .

The full time job of being at appointments and in search for "The answer."  ... .but never getting one.  Only getting more questions.

It is just not fair!

No FOO for me or him.

No partner.

No family.

Just us.

I just wish for an imaginary sister to come to our home... .  sit down and hug me... .  enjoy some conversation with my son... .some laughs to lighten the mood and soften our fears... .and a request by her that I call her the next day, because she is concerned about us.  We could have dinner... play a game... .have a drink or two... .chat... .and just enjoy the moment.

My son is quietly devastated... .trapped in bed mostly.  This caught us off guard.  (While he is by no means so ill I fear for his life today... .not close... .however, I have in the past with more sever issues)  He has already previously expressed his DNR wishes to me.   :'(  He has already professed his beliefs of people being allowed to end their own suffering... .as being more humane than life in pain and misery.  WHY SHOULD A CHILD HAVE TO FEEL COMPELLED TO EVEN EVER HAVE SUCH THOUGHTS IN THEIR TEEN YEARS... .TO MATURELY/CLEARLY EXPRESS HIS WISHES IN A DAMN EVENT... .WHERE HE IS INCAPACITATED!

I just wish I didn't have to face this alone. 

I just wish that he didn't have to hide in his misery. (as peers do not get this... .he cannot share)

I just want to wake up and have this reality have been a dream... .

:'(

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you two are going through that Sun, and you are going through it, meaning there's a happy other side.  That would be painful for anyone, and especially for a mother and especially when you have to do it alone.  Except for us of course, and thanks for posting.  The first thing that came to mind reading your post was wondering if there's a correlation between his issues and what you went through with your borderline ex?  I realize it's been a few months since you parted, but repressed emotional issues tend to show up physically; the body knows what's best and knows how to heal.  Any possibility?

[Panda39]

Hi Sunfl0wer,

I'm a single mom too and that can be difficult on it's own, but to have all of this weird mystery health stuff going would be extra stressful for anyone.  Are you or your son in therapy?  That might help... .someone to talk to, someone that can offer some coping tools, and someone to give support.

I also agree with fromheeltoheal that emotions can cause physical issues to appear or disappear.  I have eczema a skin rash related to allergies, genetics, and stress.  I am allergic to several things, my mom and grandmother both had eczema, but stress the defining factor for me in terms of a flare up.  I had eczema in a patch somewhere for 20 years the length of my marriage to an alcoholic when I got divorced it completely disappeared.  It has come back (unfortunately life is not stress free!) but then I go on vacation for a week and it's gone again.

I'm no doctor but when you talked about your son's rash it made me think of my son breaking out in hives (poor kid looked awful) due to an allergic reaction to an antibiotic.  Has your son ever been tested for allergies?   

Try and take sometime away from this for yourself.  Maybe just get up a little earlier and enjoy a cup of coffee or tea before you face the day.  I'm glad you posted I have had many of my own venting sessions on this site sometimes you just need to get it out and be heard.  I hear and understand 

Take Care,

Panda39

Han

[Tibbles]

Hi Sunflower. Lots of hugs to you. I coped fairly well with the break up etc but went to pieces when things affected by kids. My daughter has irritable bowel and we've been through a few medical things associated with that. Not as hard as what you are going through but I get the parental anguish and how hard it is to do it all alone. It can be a heavy load. Glad you vented here - you have us, people who listen and care. As time and space from her dad have increased, my daughters issues have gotten better. Stress and anxiety really did show up in physical issues for her. I so hope the same for your son, that with time and healing his body will recover too. Lots of hugs to you x x x x

[disillusionedandsore]

Hi there,  hope you are feeling better by now.  I can identify with many of your feelings,  no FOO,  no sister,  no grandparents for my boy,  teenage son with epilepsy,  single mom,  it can all seem so unfair at times... .We are entitled to our 'why me' moments