wow didnt anticipate this new set of behaviors

[SurfNTurf]

Hi Everone,

First my apologies for any typos... .im on a tablet.

My uBPDhusb has been in a six week intensive training with his job. I have supported him by making sure there are meals, quick snacks available, keeping up laundry, asking NOTHING extra from him, etc. This training program concluded today.

I was excluded from the employee-plus-one dinner that he is presumably attending as i write this. I was strongly discouraged from attending tomorrows completion ceremony... .but he wanted his adult daughter to fly in last minute to attend. Also, i learned he told his co-workers that i weigh about 300# (i weigh 135#.) When i asked why he would say something so untrue and unkind, he replied, "because when they do meet u they will see i was joking."

I am not attending tomorrows completion ceremony.  He obviosly doesnt want me there. His daughter could not get a last minute flight. So she will not b there. I have put away his card n gift for another occasion,n i plan to get a facial n pedi tomorrow.

I have slept poorly all week, due to waking up dreaming i am screaming with anger at him. I know b/c of his BPD he would not have capacity to empathize w me even if i could talk to him.

I had been feeling so much better - until this- about taking care of myself n recognizing his behaviours are separate from the person. But right now i want to say "F-you and the horse u rode in on!"

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[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I for one never think the behaviors and the person are separate. Disorder or no, my BPDh is still responsible for his behaviors. Our MC has talked quite a bit about not taking blame that isn't yours, and that everyone needs to own what they do(he was talking about DH's adult kids, but that can be said about anyone).

It sounds like you have a good plan running of taking care of yourself when things get tough. It's just natural to be hurt when they do things like this. I'm sort of of the opinion that if they know they've gotten to you, you'll maybe earn a repeat of it.

I too have been placed as a distant second to BPDh's adult, mean girls, and it stinks to high heaven. He's gotten better about it lately, but he still holds them in regard he shouldn't based on their unaccepting, dysfunctional, and mean behaviors. Respect should be earned, and relationships should be a two way street. They don't get that, and I don't really think BPDh does either. They are all totally enmeshed, except for the two who refuse to see him right now. It's a very all or nothing mentality. Sad.

As nons, we do nice things for them, because it's what we'd like done for us. The issue I think might be that it's hard to have zero expectations when doing nice things. Especially when what we do is hard(like me apologizing to his three girls at HIS insistence, when I knew I'd done nothing wrong), or like you taking on the load to lighten his. We'd like it to be noticed, at least. Well, they are either incapable, or unwilling to do so. Our expectations set us up to feel bad. I've been there so many times.

I'm really working on having almost zero expectations from him. It's hard, but it's easier than always being disappointed.