trying to recover

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

its been over 6 months since the split which i was cool with as the relationship was as toxic as they come, the problems started for me when my BPD ex moved on to a new relationship within a month of our 8 year one ending. i just can not get over the fact that she is with someone else, iv tried to limit contact to child commitments only as we have a young daughter but every time i see her or speak to her i get upset & feel the want to be in a relationship with her even though i know we were & never would be good together.

i am well & truly addicted & obsessed to this troubled girl & the deluded notion that we could get together again & have a good relationship.

how do i let my sane thinking head rule my stupid heart?

[reachingoutuk]

its been over 6 months since the split which i was cool with as the relationship was as toxic as they come, the problems started for me when my BPD ex moved on to a new relationship within a month of our 8 year one ending. i just can not get over the fact that she is with someone else, iv tried to limit contact to child commitments only as we have a young daughter but every time i see her or speak to her i get upset & feel the want to be in a relationship with her even though i know we were & never would be good together.

i am well & truly addicted & obsessed to this troubled girl & the deluded notion that we could get together again & have a good relationship.

how do i let my sane thinking head rule my stupid heart?

[Herodias]

I'm in the exact same situation... .I feel the same way. 8 year marriage, separated since end of Jan., I am wondering if he is about to move in with my replacement- she posted a comment on FB saying she was waiting for her "man to come home". He wrote me yesterday and said he has been thinking about me allot- That he gets choked up whenever he passes by my apartment. We lost allot in our marriage. Divorce pending in Jan. 2016... .I feel like he is not acting out with her... .but I guess I don't really know. I'm just sad. He says he would like to talk, but I don't see the point if he is not telling me he loves me and wants to get help/therapy.

[once removed]

hey reachingoutuk and welcome to bpdfamily! 

i can relate to feeling devastated when the ex jumps in a new relationship. it can really make a person confused, doubtful, and second guess themselves. youre not alone in this. its very painful, even surreal, and im sorry it happened. i can tell you that a person who goes from an eight year relationship, to a new one after a month, has great difficulty with being alone, and was/is having a very difficult time facing the pain associated with the split. a new relationship can be thought of as an escape, a maladaptive tool, a defense mechanism, etc. not that that makes it feel any easier.

we have great resources here that will help you with this situation.

i would start here, with the article on surviving a breakup with a person with BPD: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

as for catching up the head with the heart, it takes time. this is one of my favorite workshops on the matter: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

do you have a support system outside of this one? friends, family, a therapist?

[reachingoutuk]

hey reachingoutuk and welcome to bpdfamily! 

i can relate to feeling devastated when the ex jumps in a new relationship. it can really make a person confused, doubtful, and second guess themselves. youre not alone in this. its very painful, even surreal, and im sorry it happened. i can tell you that a person who goes from an eight year relationship, to a new one after a month, has great difficulty with being alone, and was/is having a very difficult time facing the pain associated with the split. a new relationship can be thought of as an escape, a maladaptive tool, a defense mechanism, etc. not that that makes it feel any easier.

we have great resources here that will help you with this situation.

i would start here, with the article on surviving a breakup with a person with BPD: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

as for catching up the head with the heart, it takes time. this is one of my favorite workshops on the matter: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

do you have a support system outside of this one? friends, family, a therapist?

hi, thank you for your reply. i have some very caring close friends 4 or 5 who have lived this torment with me on a daily basis to the point whereby i feel i have become a burden on them. the whole sorry situation has absolutely consumed my entire life every minute of every day since the beginning of the year & i feel i can not continue like that so all child related issues will now be done through my parents meaning i can have 100% no contact & iv booked in to see a doctor next friday to discuss my feelings & thoughts.

never ever did i think i could become so addicted to a troubled girl or be so obsessive over an unhealthy relationship. iv just become so infatuated by the whole thing that its breaking/broken me 

[once removed]

sounds like a great plan. i was confused when you said doctor: do you mean therapist? or do you mean your health has declined?

i doubt your friends see you as a burden exactly, but they may feel helpless and not know what to do or say, and/or run out of advice. this is where this forum and a therapist can really help. still its good that youve got close friends, and parents that are willing to help you out. a strong support system will seriously help.

"never ever did i think i could become so addicted to a troubled girl or be so obsessive over an unhealthy relationship. iv just become so infatuated by the whole thing that its breaking/broken me"

i understand. most here can relate, its hard to say exactly how long it occupied my every thought and action, but it did. the whole process really does a number on us. we are here to help. youre in the right place 

[Herodias]

These relationships that they jump into... .are they any happier really with the new person? My ex of 8 years and his new gf who jumped in with him from her 3 year marriage act like they are so happy on FB, but I see the honeymoon period is ending... .I wonder if he is beginning to gaslight her at this point as well. He emailed me that he is thinking about me allot lately. I guess that means he is starting to compare now that the "thrill" is gone in the new situation. Although, she seems to be trying to lure him into moving in with her! I am wondering if he would do it! I guess I would not be surprised. We have 6 months to go before we are divorced. We were separated in april and her in may- she thinks they are life partners,   makes me laugh- they are both desperate and needy in my eyes.

[hibye]

Although, she seems to be trying to lure him into moving in with her! I am wondering if he would do it! I guess I would not be surprised.

My ex moved in with him in 3 months time and the worst part is that he lives in the same neighborhood with me. I bumped into them today... and i'm sure it will happen again many times in the future...

Lucky me...

[hibye]

Although, she seems to be trying to lure him into moving in with her! I am wondering if he would do it! I guess I would not be surprised.

My ex moved in with him in 3 months time and the worst part is that he lives in the same neighborhood with me. I bumped into them today... and i'm sure it will happen again many times in the future... I will try to ignore her as much as i can.

Lucky me...

[reachingoutuk]

sounds like a great plan. i was confused when you said doctor: do you mean therapist? or do you mean your health has declined?

i doubt your friends see you as a burden exactly, but they may feel helpless and not know what to do or say, and/or run out of advice. this is where this forum and a therapist can really help. still its good that youve got close friends, and parents that are willing to help you out. a strong support system will seriously help.

"never ever did i think i could become so addicted to a troubled girl or be so obsessive over an unhealthy relationship. iv just become so infatuated by the whole thing that its breaking/broken me"

i understand. most here can relate, its hard to say exactly how long it occupied my every thought and action, but it did. the whole process really does a number on us. we are here to help. youre in the right place 

hi, when i said doctor i meant doctor. i will see them about depression then hopefully they may refer me to some counselling or therapy

[once removed]

seeing a doctor about depression is a great idea  . i did the same thing. i was somewhere between four-six months myself, and i had thoughts of suicidal ideation; a warning sign to seek help. my situation wasnt ongoing, yours is, and thats going to be very tough to navigate, but its doable, and we can help. taking care of yourself is a great step. if youre interested in therapy and/or counseling, you may have to ask for a referral directly. in my experience, there was no such referral, although thats my experience, and i know theres a big difference in the health care systems of the us and the uk.

[Infared]

its been over 6 months since the split which i was cool with as the relationship was as toxic as they come, the problems started for me when my BPD ex moved on to a new relationship within a month of our 8 year one ending. i just can not get over the fact that she is with someone else, iv tried to limit contact to child commitments only as we have a young daughter but every time i see her or speak to her i get upset & feel the want to be in a relationship with her even though i know we were & never would be good together.

i am well & truly addicted & obsessed to this troubled girl & the deluded notion that we could get together again & have a good relationship.

how do i let my sane thinking head rule my stupid heart?

I would also consider that your ex was already involved with the new relationship before she left.

Mine abruptly left 2 weeks before Christmas.  Ran out of our home with a bag of clothes and said she was going to her father's (this, in my world came out of nowhere, without any warning)... .she just cut and ran out of our 5-year relationship... .and she left me in our home packing her things, feeding her cats (which she loved dearly) and putting up a Christmas Tree alone... .stunned and confused and in a whole world of pain... .

... .but the more I thought about it... .I smelled a rat... .I just knew that she (as many/most BPD's) cannot be alone... .not for a second.  

What was the rush? How come there was no discussion as to why she was leaving. etc. Nothing.  It reeked.

Now I am not a stalker or anything close to it... .and I am not a suspicious person.  I am trusting. (Just what a BPD needs, I guess... .HER LOSS!)... . She came back to the house at one point to get more clothes, was extremely cold and detached from me... .like some kind of monster I had never met ... .took a shower and I was NOW suspicious... .and I went to look for her phone.  I found it out in her car in the glove compartment.  I did not have the time to figure out how to open it... .but it was all the proof I needed for me.  What woman EVER came in the house and left her phone in the glove compartment of a car. Nary a one. EVER. She was obviously trying to hide something from me. DUH.

Of course a month later she announces she is "dating". I figured out that that was code for they were living together.

I have never been through anything like that in my life. We lived together for five years and she just told a bunch of lies and deleted me. She lied to everyone, too... .her family, her therapist... .everyone.

Who was she? I sure did not know. I did not know about BPD at the time.

It was sometime after all of this that I stumbled upon this site and everything started to make perfect sense... .

My heart goes out to you having to deal with this situation and that you have a child involved.  I guess your focus has to be on considering your little one as much as you can... .and then protecting you.  If your situation is anything like mine, I soon realized that I had to protect myself from her onslaught of verbal abuse, blame and accusations.  She also rewrote history in her favor to paint this new fake reality and justified her being and doing the things that she was.  This whole situation blew my mind.  I never knew her... .I think she may have just been mirroring me.