Wow - someone understood

[isilme]

After years of hiding the taboo of my bipolar mom and manic depressed dad, I realized that hiding things only helps new generations come to things like BPD unaware, and helps grow the stigma of all mental illnesses, from PTSD, anxiety and depression to what my parents faced.  So when people ask simple things like," so where is your mom/dad," and the like (holidays it's a common question).  I often feel ashamed having to admit my parents are living but that we do not talk, ever, because I need that wall to stay "safe".  I don't hate them, I don't wish them ill, I just want them to leave me be.  They ignored me often enough as a kid during the periods of neglect, just keep that up and I'll be fine. 

This morning I was asked by lady at work after a discussion about bariatric weight loss and my mother's having half her stomach removed for an ulcer years back, and how that was pretty similar, I thought.  I paused, and then just told her that my mom is bi-polar, and that when I am in contact with her she steals my identity.  That I was unhappy but took it until Mom started stealing MF's mother's identity, and I had to put an end to it.  You can hurt me, but not his family, is usually how I felt. 

This of course lead to the "what about your dad?" question, to which I again paused and had to reply, "He is manic depressive and violent, and I have not had contact with him since he kicked me out at 19". 

She paused, thought about it, confirmed that I am an only child of that marriage, and said, "Wow.  So you are essentially alone.  That sounds really hard.  I can't imagine going through that." 

I am used to people looking at me like I have two heads when I have to admit that I do not talk to either parent.  They can't fathom a circumstance bad enough to where that would be necessary.  So for someone to pause and say that, I wanted to cry because it is so rare for a person to get it, even with just the simple, sanitized explanation I feel I can give out. There was no need to justify with an elaboration of events that took place at home for 19 years, and even the ones that followed when Dad stalked me.  Or the multiple suicide attempts both parents made. 

I know I come here for some validation that I am not a bad person for essentially choosing being an "orphan" over living and perpetuating dysfunction.  It's just rare for a person with a big family, from a strong family-tied region of the country, to understand on any level. 

[Kwamina]

Hi isilme

It really does feel good when people are actually able to empathize with your situation instead of judge you! That's one of the things I like about this website, people can actually truly relate to you here because they have had similar experiences. I am glad you now also have had a positive experience like this in the 'real world'

[Panda39]

What a great response from your co-worker! 

[ShieldsUp12]

That is great! And not just understood but empathized? That's rare for us to receive, isn't it?

Also, bravo to you for opening up about your family history because you are so right that when we keep it in, it just hides the dysfunction from everyone. I think even in just the past few years I've seen a BIG positive change in how people with no PD experience perceive a child from a disordered FOO who no longer has contact with family for the very reason that people like you are willing to be honest and open about it. There will probably always be people who don't get it, but it's really essential to talk about it to create more awareness.