I'm done

[Fleur2013]

So, I'm back here where I was 2 years ago. But this time I feel harder and more hopeless. I would like some advice to deal with the situation.

I've been with my unBPD for 15 yrs. Supporting financially for the past 10. Both names on mortgage, house is underwater. He has no "friends" mostly cut off from family.He has no job or money of his own. He has been terrorizing me for the past 2 weeks. He hates his life, our home, he thinks he's a loser. The house is gross and we were stupid to buy it, "why didn't anyone tell us not to". According to him, my family sucks and takes advantage of me. I don't respect him. I'm a liar (because I go to a group therapy at church a d he thought it was really "church work".  He screamed in my face for an hour yesterday and when I was hysterically crumpled on the floor he said "I'm sorry, I'm not myself" then he left and went to a party.

I want him out. I want his name off of the mortgage. But I need him to leave peacefully if possible. I want to keep the house.  He won't leave until he has a job which I hope will be within the next 2 months. He is remorseful this am (per usual) Can I keep him at a distance until he has a job then launch him?  (I'm confident he'll quickly find another sucker to take his sh*t

[jhkbuzz]

So, I'm back here where I was 2 years ago. But this time I feel harder and more hopeless. I would like some advice to deal with the situation.

I've been with my unBPD for 15 yrs. Supporting financially for the past 10. Both names on mortgage, house is underwater. He has no "friends" mostly cut off from family.He has no job or money of his own. He has been terrorizing me for the past 2 weeks. He hates his life, our home, he thinks he's a loser. The house is gross and we were stupid to buy it, "why didn't anyone tell us not to". According to him, my family sucks and takes advantage of me. I don't respect him. I'm a liar (because I go to a group therapy at church a d he thought it was really "church work".  He screamed in my face for an hour yesterday and when I was hysterically crumpled on the floor he said "I'm sorry, I'm not myself" then he left and went to a party.

I want him out. I want his name off of the mortgage. But I need him to leave peacefully if possible. I want to keep the house.  He won't leave until he has a job which I hope will be within the next 2 months. He is remorseful this am (per usual) Can I keep him at a distance until he has a job then launch him?  (I'm confident he'll quickly find another sucker to take his sh*t

I'm so sorry for what you're going through; his dysregulations sound very painful for you.

Are there any boundaries you can put into place with him? Boundaries are about controlling the things that you can control (i.e. yourself and your own reactions); they're not about controlling anyone else's behavior.

For example, you said that he screamed in your face for an hour and you were hysterically crumpled on the floor. While you can't control his raging or dysregulation, you CAN decide to set a boundary ("It's not okay for him to scream in my face" and then take necessary action to enforce the boundary (e.g. leave the room, go for a drive, etc.)

Can you see yourself implementing these kinds of boundaries?

[Thread]

I feel your pain! 

[Fleur2013]

Thank the  for the advice JK. I tried to get away from him but he followed me and if it wasn't so severe, I would have left but at the time I didn't trust myself to drive.

Last time this happened I was really good at detaching but crumbled at the holidays because he was  sitting home crying when I left for my family's holiday celebration.

The remorseful stage usually lasts for a while, when he typically begs for another chance. I need to do my reading and stay clear of him. It's awful when your home becomes prison and battle ground.

[going places]

It's awful when you invest your whole heart into creating 'home'... .a safe place from the world, where love and happiness is supposed to reside... .and your 'spouse' turns it into a house of horrors.

I filed for divorce, July 2013. Put the home up for sale.

Every time there was a showing, I felt violated, devastated... .I didn't want to let go of the home I worked 24 years of my life to have... .

So I recycled.

April 2014, I filed for divorce, again... .the house went up for sale July 2014.

I threw him out July 2014 because I simply could NOT take one more second of his abuse.

I got the house ready, put it on the market, did all the repairs, painting, updates, etc.

As time went on, I began to loathe that house... .because it kept my ex and I bound together when all I wanted to be was free of him.

It sold in Feb 2015.

I do everything in my power to NOT think about it... .I just keep looking forward.

I rented a beautiful home in Florida, and will be there in less than 30 days.

THAT is my focus.

It's hard, but don't let a house hold you in an abusive relationship.

Your health, heart and soul are more important than bricks and mortar.

[jhkbuzz]

It's awful when you invest your whole heart into creating 'home'... .a safe place from the world, where love and happiness is supposed to reside... .and your 'spouse' turns it into a house of horrors.

I filed for divorce, July 2013. Put the home up for sale.

Every time there was a showing, I felt violated, devastated... .I didn't want to let go of the home I worked 24 years of my life to have... .

So I recycled.

April 2014, I filed for divorce, again... .the house went up for sale July 2014.

I threw him out July 2014 because I simply could NOT take one more second of his abuse.

I got the house ready, put it on the market, did all the repairs, painting, updates, etc.

As time went on, I began to loathe that house... .because it kept my ex and I bound together when all I wanted to be was free of him.

It sold in Feb 2015.

I do everything in my power to NOT think about it... .I just keep looking forward.

I rented a beautiful home in Florida, and will be there in less than 30 days.

THAT is my focus.

It's hard, but don't let a house hold you in an abusive relationship.

Your health, heart and soul are more important than bricks and mortar.

I'm in the process of moving out of the home we shared too. We broke up around a year ago; she left and I stayed in the house. I was glad to have held on to my home, but it was a mixed blessing because this home now contains a lot of 'ghosts' that can make me feel quite sad. The more I pack, and the more I stop by my new home as it's being built, the more I've come to understand how very important taking this step has been in the process of rebuilding my life. I waffled for a while on whether or not I should sell; I'm becoming increasingly glad that I have indeed taken that step!

[Fleur2013]

Your stories give me hope. I can see how I would be haunted staying here. But the house is upside down.  No one will buy it for what I owe and that's another factor. I resigned myself to the fact that I will have to cut my losses if I must and let the place go into foreclosure. Last time I couldn't imagine doing it. This time I think I'll just have to get a place before my credit tanks. I've also been putting aside a secret stash of money. Surprise! He controls the bank accounts. I can't belive it has come to this. I busted my a** putting myself through school so I'd never have to depend on a man. I feel so foolish sometimes.

[jhkbuzz]

Your stories give me hope. I can see how I would be haunted staying here. But the house is upside down.  No one will buy it for what I owe and that's another factor. I resigned myself to the fact that I will have to cut my losses if I must and let the place go into foreclosure. Last time I couldn't imagine doing it. This time I think I'll just have to get a place before my credit tanks. I've also been putting aside a secret stash of money. Surprise! He controls the bank accounts. I can't belive it has come to this. I busted my a** putting myself through school so I'd never have to depend on a man. I feel so foolish sometimes.

It's a lousy position to be in, but it sounds like you're making plans and that's good.  It's a good idea to line up a place before your credit goes south. It would also be a good idea to consult with a bankruptcy lawyer to gain a complete understanding of what is about to happen.  Knowledge is power; plan, plan, plan!