Cycle of abuse

[Suzn]

My brother and I talked about this a couple years ago. He, in recovery for alcohol and drugs, seemed to really get it at the time.

Back story... .

For the majority of my brother's adult life he has been an addict. Right before my mother married, for the first time in her life, I moved to be closer to them. My brother was 16 and I was 21. (I'm 50 today) My brother was using at this time and I didn't know it at first. To make a long story short, my mother left him in my care and moved 1000 miles away to marry a man she met through my uncle who is an elder in their shared faith.

When I realized I wasn't equipt to handle a 16 year old young man who was adamant on continuing to do exactly what he was doing no matter what big sister said... .I sent him home. He had gotten himself into a situation with his cousin, both teens, with gang members apparently, that could have cost them their lives. That scared the hell out of me. My cousin had ended up hurt, I don't recall exactly but I think he had his arm broken.

By home, I mean I sent them both back to my aunts home in a different state than where my mother now lived. My mother should have brought my brother to her house but that was not an option to her for some reason. I know the reason, I think it was a combination she wanted to hide the fact my brother had gotten himself in trouble or that she had no control over him at this point from her new H. I don't think she knew he was using at the time. Nevertheless, in his mind and I agree, she left him twice here and has held onto that. I also "left him", one by sending him away from the influences I saw and two he had called me a while after being at my aunts and was upset that he was alone. My aunt and uncle were going through a divorce at the time and neither were rarely at home.

He was just a kid and very alone. I still feel guilty about that sometimes, I wish I could go back in time. What did I do then? I did what my mother does... .I went out and bought him a new wardrobe and sent it to him. Because that would fix it. It was a temporary fix for my guilt. :'(

Fast forward to today. It's been well over 3 years now since he and his gf at the time were thrown into the system of CPS when they arrived at the hospital the day my nephew was born. She had had no prenatal care and it is hospital policy to drug test both parents in this situation. Both tested positive. Which means my nephew had drugs in his system the day he was born. My mother had enabled both of them, they were living in a motel and she was paying the rent. CPS took my nephew, this woke my brother up, I saw this as a blessing. He even seemed to see it as a blessing later down the road. He's been sober, though I think there may have been a relapse, since. He left my nephew's mother a few years back as she couldn't abide by the courts requirements and my brother did. They gave full custody to him and he met someone new shortly after.

This woman is no different than my nephew's mother. If left to her own devices, shown by HER history of leaning on men to pay her way prior to my brother, she would be in the same situation as my nephew's mother now. Who basically couch surfs to get by as the courts took her other two children as well. One of which was a 9 year old with diabetes who was sent to live with her aunt, a nurse, to help raise her and help with her health. This child lost her life to this disease a couple years back. The other is now 17, she was running away and started using. It's all a sad and traumatic lifelong story. I send this woman as much healing energy in my thoughts as I can, my heart just breaks for her. I have doubts she will ever recover.

My brother's new gf, though not so new now, is jealous of my nephew's need for attention from his dad. She isn't kind or understanding with him. They have fought over this more than once and hearing from my mother that as recently as 3 weeks ago they fought about this again I had hopes my brother had finally seen the light. She was told if she couldn't treat my nephew like one of her own she could just leave... just go.

A week later, two weeks ago now I guess, he married her. WHO DOES THAT? Who puts a child at risk, one that is already at an emotional disadvantage not having his mother in his life much since birth? I should add I've seen traits in my brother, saying things like "I just want to blow my head off" when he can't regulate along with other things he's said and done.

Who does that? My mother. That's who. Putting herself first before her children's needs. So the cycle continues.

I found out they married over Facebook. No text, no phone call just an announcement over Facebook. It felt like a punch in the stomach, it took my breath. We have only spoken once since I've moved back home and it was very cordial, even though he knows how I feel about the situation he is putting my nephew in I was still supportive of him making his own choices. I shouldn't be surprised he didn't say anything. I haven't acknowledged this marriage announcement. I'm kinda surprised my mother hasn't mentioned it though.

I can't pretend I'm happy about this though there's really no reason that I would have to. We live a thousand miles apart and have no interaction, not my choice on a daily basis but isn't it? I do want to have contact. I can't seem to find the right way to go about reaching out and being supportive when in my mind it would be a lie to say "hey, did you get married? If so, congrats!" I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. And, isn't this me punishing because I'm not reaching out? I think part of it is. It's a mix of ... I'm mad at him and I'm sad for both he and my nephew. And there's a part too that that's what I think he thinks and I want to fix it. I also know he has enabled his gf and rewarded her bad behavior... .so do I think she will stop mistreating this child? Nope.

So, right now I'm just doing nothing.

Last night I get a text from mom:

Her: Hi honey! How are you doing? What are your plans for tonight? (The 4th)

Me: I'm on my way to pick up a couple movies and a pizza. I poured concrete today and I'm beat. Going to relax. You?

Her: Just going to watch movies and listen to fireworks outside.

(here it comes, I was waiting.)

Her: I have a Facebook question. Would (nephew's mother) be able to say she accepted a facebook request or does that automatically generate.

Me: It automatically generates.

Her: I was told she is "hooking" and running around using heroin.

Me: Mom, I don't need or want to know this. Whoever told you this has an agenda. I don't want to stew in these juices tonight. Have a good night.

Her: I know, I know, I'm sorry, I know you're right. It just makes me so sad for (my nephew)

Her: I'm sorry.

Me: It's ok. Redirect your thoughts, that's what I plan to do.

Her: Ok, good idea. I'm going to get some ice cream.

It was a perfect opportunity to use SET while setting my boundary and I didn't do it. I'm tired, my only excuse and frankly it didn't even cross my mind. I did set and stick to a boundary though I think I saved her in the end. I saw it as the kindest thing I could do. The damage was done however, a cloud over my thoughts for the evening, she just doesn't get that. Here's where I see my T's thought she's a N, does she really care what I'm doing or how I am? She wanted someone to share in her misery, in her fears. I can't help but see waif in her fears.

These people have worn on me. I'm letting my own grief for the entire history and what's happening currently happen otherwise I think I would lose my self control and say plenty that would only make matters worse.

[bethanny]

Suzn,

I am impressed and inspired by your clarity and your boundary work. 

I have guilt, too, of not having empathy for my younger brothers the period when I did escape my mother's thrall.  It helps me forgive them for not empathizing when they escaped and I was more isolated with my enthrallment to her.

The serenity prayer seems to say it all.  Accepting what we can't change with others.  Seeing vulnerable ones at the mercy of family and friends who are toxic is tough.  Relate to that, as well.

best, bethanny

[Turkish]

Suzn,

Happy belated birthday 

Do you ever feel like the proverbial "straight" man or woman, surrouned by chaos? I often feel like Lane from Better Off Dead (ok, I'm dating myself as being from the 80s).

Maybe you didn't SET your mom, but it sounds like the conversation went well. Sometimes a clear boundary needs to be enforced. You did it, and it worked.

[Suzn]

Bethany thank you for reminding me of the serenity prayer. I don't think I can change them though I do wish things were different. However, it was a great reminder that I haven't been remembering or accepting them for who they are. That in turn helped me to remind myself I need to accept myself and all of my own mistakes. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had.

I woke up this morning with a different attitude after thinking about all that. I think I've finally given up feeling guilty. It's not done my brother or I any good. It kept me enabling him for years and it helped him feel entitled to treat me poorly. I had forgotten something one of my cousins told me a long time ago. Your brother brags about getting you and your mother to do whatever he wants you to do. That was a long time ago when he was still using but it was true. And it's still true, to him. I wanted to move there, that's on me. I made sacrifices while I was there, that's on me. A few months before I left, he stopped showing up for work a lot. All the things we had talked about before I moved there changed slowly over the course of the year. That's on him.

He hasn't changed, he just stopped drinking and using drugs. As much as I want to be angry with him, it's just who he is. I was hurt that he couldn't follow through, the thought of us working together and being close for once meant a lot to me and I took that personally. The funny thing is what never crossed my mind was "things will be different." I just somehow assumed that since he no longer drank and used that things would be different. I've been thinking back over his distant past actions for the last couple days and there is little difference. All of his r/s have been like the one he's in, he has no friends to speak of, he never does anything for himself in the way of hobbies, he's dependent and has no room for anyone except who he's dependent on and still has no coping skills. He knew telling my mother and I that he wanted to blow his head off would distract us from what he was really doing. Or not doing probably better said. He does have a T but he only saw him twice the entire year. He does go to AA meetings and people there look to him for advice.

I'm not judging him, I have no room to judge. When I found these boards I had been dependent on someone, all my r/s had been the same, I had no clue what taking care of yourself meant in the terms in which we use here, I had no close friends to speak of either and my coping skills were definitely lacking. I've learned a different route to take for all of that and it makes me sad for him that he hasn't. I also think he's not open to talking right now and I'm not sure that it's a good idea that I push that, for either of us. He wasn't reaching out before I left and hasn't since I've been back. I'm pretty sure I can't put on an act that all is well anyway so I can see I still need some time. What's happening with my nephew is not ok and I can no longer hide things for people, even if it's my brother. I do love him and wish him the very best but I will be paying attention for my nephew's sake.

Do you ever feel like the proverbial "straight" man or woman, surrounded by chaos? I often feel like Lane from Better Off Dead (ok, I'm dating myself as being from the 80s).

Yes Turk I do. That's a good analogy. I cut ties with most of my family because of the chaos, everything would go ok for a while then out of left field someone would attack in some weird way. I don't do 3 am visits with drunk people, I have a job to get up for at 4:30. 

Maybe you didn't SET your mom, but it sounds like the conversation went well. Sometimes a clear boundary needs to be enforced. You did it, and it worked.

It did go well, that's true. I think my issue with this was somehow thinking that using the tools will change how she acts for good.    No, it's to manage what is, from now on. I know better but I get frustrated sometimes. It's taken 6 months to come out of the fog and to try to stop taking things personally. 

[bethanny]

Suzn, my time is limited right now but I appreciate all you wrote and it consciousness raises me back in terms of applying acceptance of myself and others. 

I keep assuming once I am ready to relate everyone will be on my channel. Stress can make us all narcissistic.  Forgivably so.  I also realize how numb I am and reluctant so often to leave the numbness and engage in responding to others on their emotional capacity schedules.  It means me and them missing out on opportunities for maybe imperfect and exploratory bonding. But at the same time, as the serenity prayer advises, banging one's head against the same wall doesn't help the person we are trying to "help" and ourselves if they are not ready and open.

I remember in the rooms being warned that our dis-ease was so profound that it can never be fixed and done with, it can only go into remission and that means we have to monitor ourselves closely and keep priming the pump on recovery and stay mindful of how to live healthily and bravely and honestly.  And part of that recovery hypervigilance is loving ourselves and not being so perfectionistic and overly hypervigilant about all things.  "Easy does it but do it" is one of my favorite 12 step slogans.

Okay, my friend.

To be continued.

Best,

bethanny