In process of divorce, what do i do with memoirs?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All, Happy 4th weekend, hope it was good.

I was married 10 years, wife and I had an argument (1 of many) in September and I yelled at her.  Apologized for my actions but this argument was different and she locked herself away from me for 3 months and when re-engaging me told me she wanted a divorce.  Told me my yelling was "the straw that broke the camels back".  I will save the rest of the story, but we have attorneys and she is moving out end of July and I am pretty hurt, confused and trying to heal. 

We were going through the division of our belongings the other day and she said, 'oh, our wedding album, I havent looked at that since we were married (10 years ago)' and asked me if I wanted it. 

I started having anxiety.  What do I say about it?  If I say I want to keep it that will that be showing her I am still in love (which I am, but think she is interpreting this as weakness - a trait she despises and causes her to be angry and even more distant), or do I say "throw it away" and pretend to be a callous ass and then confirm her suspicions that I don't/didn't care? 

I don't know what to do!  The album means so much to me but that feeling seems so misplaced when she seems to uninterested in it.  She was very distant and aloof and acting in jest when she said she hadn't looked at it.

Will this and other memoirs just keep me stuck in toxicity of memories?  What about the life we had together?  It was 12 years in total?  I don't want to just delete it.  In fact, I am not that good/bad, that I can just delete it and I don't want to.

What have others done?  Brings tears just thinking what a cluster-fck all this is!

[joeramabeme]

Hi All, Happy 4th weekend, hope it was good.

I was married 10 years, wife and I had an argument (1 of many) in September and I yelled at her.  Apologized for my actions but this argument was different and she locked herself away from me for 3 months and when re-engaging me told me she wanted a divorce.  Told me my yelling was "the straw that broke the camels back".  I will save the rest of the story, but we have attorneys and she is moving out end of July and I am pretty hurt, confused and trying to heal. 

We were going through the division of our belongings the other day and she said, 'oh, our wedding album, I havent looked at that since we were married (10 years ago)' and asked me if I wanted it. 

I started having anxiety.  What do I say about it?  If I say I want to keep it that will that be showing her I am still in love (which I am, but think she is interpreting this as weakness - a trait she despises and causes her to be angry and even more distant), or do I say "throw it away" and pretend to be a callous ass and then confirm her suspicions that I don't/didn't care? 

I don't know what to do!  The album means so much to me but that feeling seems so misplaced when she seems to uninterested in it.  She was very distant and aloof and acting in jest when she said she hadn't looked at it.

Will this and other memoirs just keep me stuck in toxicity of memories?  What about the life we had together?  It was 12 years in total?  I don't want to just delete it.  In fact, I am not that good/bad, that I can just delete it and I don't want to.

What have others done?  Brings tears just thinking what a cluster-fck all this is!

[myself]

Be who you are. Keep it. Set it aside somewhere, still honoring it. No need to erase the past that once meant so much to you. Continue building a better today and future as best you can, married or not. It's often not as much about the messages we send others but the ones we share with ourselves.

[joeramabeme]

Be who you are. Keep it. Set it aside somewhere, still honoring it. No need to erase the past that once meant so much to you. Continue building a better today and future as best you can, married or not. It's often not as much about the messages we send others but the ones we share with ourselves.

What we should do is mostly straightforward when we just consult our true selves; sometimes it is hard to see that truth through the FOG.

Well said, that is what I will do. 

Thank you!

[once removed]

hey joeramabeme,

i kept the memoirs. i put them away and havent looked at them since; i agree with myself. "set it aside somewhere. no need to erase the past that once meant so much to you." others feel differently. thats okay. this process is unique to us as individuals. "be who you are" is also good advice. you sound as if you dont want to torch the past, and thats your choice. youve been married for ten years. why erase that?

try not to worry about what it "shows" her. your feelings, your belongings, are yours, and youre entitled to them, regardless of what she thinks. dont pretend. "be who you are".

the memoirs will only keep you stuck if you endlessly examine them and ruminate upon them. i read through two or so months of texts, and it was useful for me. there isnt a right or wrong in this regard.

[GaGrl]

Do you have children?

[Surg_Bear]

Hi All, Happy 4th weekend, hope it was good.

What do I say about it?  If I say I want to keep it that will that be showing her I am still in love (which I am, but think she is interpreting this as weakness - a trait she despises and causes her to be angry and even more distant), or do I say "throw it away" and pretend to be a callous ass and then confirm her suspicions that I don't/didn't care? 

Since the avalanche has started, and the end is upon you, why is it that you are considering "pretending" anymore?

You have absolutely nothing to lose by saying EXACTLY how you feel.

You put up some good reasons for wanting to keep the memoirs- if nothing more, than because you cannot do the splitting thing, and pretend the 12 years didn't happen.

I know all about pretending to be one way or another, to appease my wife, or to avoid (or get out of) a rage.  Almost every time I was less than honest, it backfired.  I've been told by many people that I do not lie well.  My face gives my lies away, and I cannot change it because I don't even know what my face does when I try to lie. 

I think you should keep the wedding album, and as others have said, put it in a box that will stay safe, secure, and never entered again.  Like what you will do with your marriage inside your soul.

I wish you the best of luck in this difficult passage of your life's journey.  You have the power to make this huge life change a powerfully positive one.  The strength you are using to NOT become a total basket case in all of this- this is what makes you an amazing person.  Use this strength to move you closer to the person you were always meant to be.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[joeramabeme]

I know all about pretending to be one way or another, to appease my wife, or to avoid (or get out of) a rage.  Almost every time I was less than honest, it backfired. 

Surg_Bear:  YES!  I am a people-pleasing liar.  My wife has excellent radar, she knew when I did it and she hated it.

She begged and pleaded with me to not do it, she kept telling me over and over, trust is the most important thing to me. 

In fairness to her, this is not a trait I developed in my marriage but one that I felt the need to practice because she frequently got very upset when I did tell the truth.  I felt so baffled; dont lie to me or I will be upset and I will be upset if you tell me the truth.

I have to own this one, at least a good part of it.  Not saying her reactions weren't over the top at times but my avoidance behaviors were on par. 

One of the regrets I get when the sadness kicks in and my head says I wished I had changed my behaviors, maybe it would be a different outcome.

Surg_bear, have you been through a divorce with your BPD spouse?  I want the pain to stop.  I keep reading this site and at times my mind gets carried away in the understanding of what happened.  But at times the pain just comes right on in like a tide that creeps into the crevices of your soul.  It gets damp, then wet, then deep.  How long before I can get off the beach of daily tidal pain?

[Surg_Bear]

I went through divorce with my BPDw from 1999 - 2004.  Like marriage, we did NOT do divorce well. So, we re-married and have been together for the last 11 years.

I am in this bpdfamily website to find advice about my current situation. I have done most of my posting from Undecided, but in the last couple weeks I have decided that Leaving is more congruent with my short and long term life goals.

I have no intention of staying in a marriage where sex is so triggering that we cannot even talk about it, let alone do it for the sake of the fun and physical pleasure of it. The levels of frustration and loneliness far surpass anything I could ever imagine in a relationship.

I have no idea how long I will grieve and hurt, because this leg of my journey has just begun. Since I have been with my wife for 25 yrs, and I love her with all of my heart, I suspect that leaving is going to be the single most painful thing I have ever done in my life. Being left 16 yrs ago was infinitely easier.

Not happy about what my next 12 months are going to entail... .

Surg_Bear

[joeramabeme]

I went through divorce with my BPDw from 1999 - 2004.  Like marriage, we did NOT do divorce well. So, we re-married and have been together for the last 11 years.

I am in this bpdfamily website to find advice about my current situation. I have done most of my posting from Undecided, but in the last couple weeks I have decided that Leaving is more congruent with my short and long term life goals.

I have no intention of staying in a marriage where sex is so triggering that we cannot even talk about it, let alone do it for the sake of the fun and physical pleasure of it. The levels of frustration and loneliness far surpass anything I could ever imagine in a relationship.

I have no idea how long I will grieve and hurt, because this leg of my journey has just begun. Since I have been with my wife for 25 yrs, and I love her with all of my heart, I suspect that leaving is going to be the single most painful thing I have ever done in my life. Being left 16 yrs ago was infinitely easier.

Not happy about what my next 12 months are going to entail... .

Surg_Bear

You were in process of divorce from 99-04 or divorced for that time and remarried? 

Were you aware of BPD during the first divorce?

I am sorry to hear that you are switching boards.  I know for me over the years, I had multiple occasions of I can't take this anymore and then decided to stay rationalizing that she couldn't be so bad to leave b/c there were so many good things about us or, that perhaps all the things she doesn't like about me are true and I need to change. 

I am slowly learning how the term FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is such an appropriate acronym and stand-alone word.  The FOG will clear for brief moments and I feel empowered.  Sometimes I feel alone in the FOG and falsely believe that I am on a boat with someone else when I am really all alone.

Where are you at with this?

It is all very confusing and I am sorry to hear about what must be a tremendous amount of grief.