This will probably never end, right?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So it's been a good full seven days with the stbx uBPDw out of state.

In my own bed.

Less stressed, although some random moments of anxiety and the inability to relax.

What I thought was a stolen item turned out to be a hidden item -- tucked away where I wouldn't find it.

Went to church, was embraced by all my friends.

I start off with that because I have to focus on the positives.

That said, today she sends an e-mail asking if I'll grab a few bags of tea from a local tea shop and send them to her.  Oh, and by the way, could I please admit to the affair. (for the record, no affair to admit to)

I know it's only been a week, and obviously I can't expect her to drop it... .but is there hope?  Or will I getting these ever so often forever?

Overall a good week.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

So it's been a good full seven days with the stbx uBPDw out of state.

In my own bed.

Less stressed, although some random moments of anxiety and the inability to relax.

What I thought was a stolen item turned out to be a hidden item -- tucked away where I wouldn't find it.

Went to church, was embraced by all my friends.

I start off with that because I have to focus on the positives.

That said, today she sends an e-mail asking if I'll grab a few bags of tea from a local tea shop and send them to her.  Oh, and by the way, could I please admit to the affair. (for the record, no affair to admit to)

I know it's only been a week, and obviously I can't expect her to drop it... .but is there hope?  Or will I getting these ever so often forever?

Overall a good week.

Gomez

[ReclaimingMyLife]

YES,  there is HOPE!   YOU yourself are living proof.   You have given hope to many already having extricated yourself so much thus far.   And that hope will grow.   I applaud all of your successes and the way you have kept your eye on the prize:  lose some money,  win your life back.

You are kicking butt.   Take this opportunity to enjoy setting some new precedents,  i.e.  SHE is now responsible for HER tea.   Not you

Am I surprised she is asking?   No.   But you get to say no too!

Congrats,  Gomez.

There is much hope!

[Sunfl0wer]

You are kicking butt.

I have followed your story... .mainly because it is inspirational!  It gives hope!

You have done such a phenomenal job both setting some really tough boundaries in some really trying circumstances, and also sticking to them!

It may not feel like it... .But you really did avoid some messy drama... .I hope you can see that your situation could have been soo messy.  But you remained in charge of you... .not swayed by any of the drama.

I'm sorry that when you feel like you are done with it, and it is behind you... .that little things here and there seem to want to tell you otherwise.  It is frustrating to say the least... .I am sure.  I do not mean to minimize your frustration in any way.  I honestly just am amazed at how well you have remained strong and resolute through this all.

She is coping... .  In her own way.  The way she knows how.  It sounds like she still is experiencing loss, wanting to feel some connection.  While these are understandable emotions for her.  You are right, they are not yours to manage or soothe in any way.  She continues to try to cross boundaries in hopes to weaken yours.

You know her game... .  You are not playing it. 

I suspect that this reaching out to engage in someway of hers will continue as long as she is still raw and coping with the loss of the r/s... .she likely desires to more often than she is but has moments of weakness of less inhibitions.  She is processing things currently... .in her way.  So she may shift focus if she finds another stronger attachment focus... .but if she does not get her fill with the new attachment from time to time... .she may shift focus back to you now and again.

It sounds though like she is overall taking a route of slowly fading? (As she is not getting positive reinforcement from you from her attempts)

[gomez_addams]

Thanks everyone.

I never would have made it this far without the board.  Tons of great advice -- some philosophical, and some practical -- have really helped me through this.

I do realize that I've come a long way, and that when I set my goals

1. Get her out of here

2. Get divorced as quickly as possible

3. Not get financially destroyed

4. Be fair to her

When I set these goals, I had low expectations.  I was thinking a year.  I was thinking about 50-100% more than it cost me.  I was thinking there would be major slip ups on my end where I lashed out verbally (in person, on the phone, or via e-mail).  I've been amazed at how well it all went down.

When I talk to my best friend back home, he is appalled at the amount of money I'm giving her (all told, about 110% of the marriage property).  So I start out slightly behind where I was three years ago.  I have to put all my dreams on hold for a few years.  But she's thousands of miles away.  The divorce will be final by this fall.  And by saving rigorously, I can recover financially.

She e-mailed again today.  She left a few things behind and wants them sent.  I'll send them, because they belong to her.

I have to find the right speed at which to respond to the e-mails.  Quick responses are probably not a good thing.  Letting them ferment for a day or so makes it less of a conversation/relationship, and more "customer service" like.  Plus I can decide when I'm in the right frame of mind, and compose something BIFF.

Gomez

[Sunfl0wer]

Good for you Gomez!

You are handling this "like a boss!" as my nephew says!

BIFF is perfect!

Don't respond asap, as thought her sense of urgency becomes your emergency!  Perfect!

The best effective responses I had in dealing with uBPDxWofBF was... .

#1.  to pretend we were robots

#2. BIFF

#3. Never send an email back the same day... .if at all possible.  Allow some time to set in... .emotions to fade and sleep on the original email we created.  Review it with clear, well slept eyes... .cut it down to robotic language.  As though dealing with our lawyer.  Or the UPS guy or something like that.

Sounds like you got it figured out!