I am finally getting out, for the first time.

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

My uBPD mother has been abusing me since I could remember. Then also employing her boyfriends to abuse me and teach them the ropes.

I have been living with her since I was born, and for the first time as of yesterday, I found a place to go.

I am even feeling paranoid about typing this here.

I have never been out on my own. I took her out from under her abusive boyfriends, constantly worrying about her poor decisions, and watching her abuse me in front of her men... .and then watching them get power trips off of using me as their scapegoat too.

Yesterday was the last straw... .after treating me nicely all morning, suddenly she gets home and her and her boyfriend started to scream at me... .and I ran out of the house, bought a room for cheap because for once I finally am able to afford a place... .and decided I'm moving at the end of this week.

I keep feeling like I'm doing something wrong, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm afraid of telling her... .how will I tell her? when should I tell her? last minute? if I tell her too early, she might try to sob story her way to make me stay longer. Should I try to hide this from her as much as I can? Once I am away from all this abuse, will I lose my mind? will I be able to handle it?

I am afraid of feeling alone and crumbling at my sudden decision. I just cant live with someone who tells me they hate me and loves me and has me in a whirlwind of confusion and abuse all the time.

I cant.

I have helped her , been there for her, dealt with her abuse and watched in horror while she gets other people to hurt me... .

I am tired.

and I am happy to get out.

Any advice welcome.

[going places]

First, I am so sorry.

My Advice? Google "Abuse Advocate_______" and in the blank type in your city and state.

Go see an advocate. They are free, and they are amazing.

You're not doing anything wrong, you are trying to protect yourself.

I, personally, would not tell her. I would move out while everyone was gone/at work.

Then I would meet her in a VERY public place (be ready for the 'show'... .the tears and the I love you's etc, because there is an 'audience' and tell her there.

I would not invite her to your new place as it needs to be your 'safe' place; free from what you deal with now.

With an abuse advocate's help, not only will you survive... .but you will thrive!

Saying a prayer for you now!

[HappyChappy]

and I am happy to get out.

Any advice welcome.

DontGiveUpOnMe  How exciting, the dawn of a new era. Good on you. I'm happy you're happy. My only advise is that having done so much for your mother, be good to yourself.  If you want to move out, then I'm guessing it's right for you. And based on what you’ve put up with, very right for you. Of course you'll feel afraid that's only natural, but just log back into this website.

I’m guessing your BPD will do her darndest to keep you from breaking away. So you might want to consider how much you tell her and when you tell her. I also found joining clubs a quick way of plugging into new relationships when I first left. Best of Luck.

[Kwamina]

Hi DontGiveUpOnMe

Yesterday was the last straw... .after treating me nicely all morning, suddenly she gets home and her and her boyfriend started to scream at me... .and I ran out of the house, bought a room for cheap because for once I finally am able to afford a place... .and decided I'm moving at the end of this week.

The way your mother and her boyfriend treated you was very unpleasant indeed. Nobody likes getting screamed at. You've been through a great deal with your mother.

I keep feeling like I'm doing something wrong, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm afraid of telling her... .how will I tell her? when should I tell her? last minute? if I tell her too early, she might try to sob story her way to make me stay longer. Should I try to hide this from her as much as I can?

I don't feel like you are doing anything wrong here. You are standing up for yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. When I moved out, I only told my uBPD mother after I had signed the lease. I did this to minimize the chance of her creating 'drama' before that point.

Once I am away from all this abuse, will I lose my mind? will I be able to handle it?

I am afraid of feeling alone and crumbling at my sudden decision.

It's a significant step you're taking now and it's only logical that this causes certain strong emotions in you. I encourage you to keep posting here about what you're going through. That way you aren't alone and have us here for support and advice

I just cant live with someone who tells me they hate me and loves me and has me in a whirlwind of confusion and abuse all the time.

I cant.

... .

I am tired.

and I am happy to get out.

Protecting your own well-being and taking care good care of yourself is very important. Living in a constantly abusive environment makes it very hard to do so and that's why you moving out is something I consider a very positive development I too am very happy that you're getting out

[Harri]

Hi there and congrats on your decision to get out of an abusive situation!   

I can't tell you how or when to tell her of your decision but I can share how I handled my family when I finally decided to move out.  Once I made my decision, I waited until the Monday before I was going to move (on a Saturday).  I had already made the arrangements the week before and I had plans for various scenarios (like if she attacked me or threatened me).  To help yourself decide, ask yourself how likely it is that she will try to stop you and then prepare.  I also made a list (on my computer) of all the reasons I had to move out so I could review them should she start in on the mind games... .and boy did she ever.  That last week, I would also rig up my bedroom door to make noise as she was forever sneaking into my room.  Prior to telling her, I removed all important documents and items that were of value to me and kept some in my office and had a friend keep some for me just in case she went a bit crazy on me... .and she did, but with cold silence.

Once I am away from all this abuse, will I lose my mind? will I be able to handle it?

Yes, you will be able to handle it and no you will not lose your mind.  It will be hard and expect to be upset/conflicted/sad, whatever.  You might even feel numb like I did.  It is all normal and it will get better. 

I am very pleased and, like HappyC, I am excited for you as you start this new chapter. 

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Im not feeling strong at all, I'm a mess. I feel so lost. I feel alone, I feel scared. Part of me really really doesn't want to leave, I don't know if I'm making the right decision.

I'm so scared.

Im terrified.

I am going to miss my mom, I am going to miss my family. I know they abuse me, but I'm scared. I don't have other family. They are in another country and this is it.

I'm so scared. I just want to break down and cry

[Kwamina]

Hi again DontGiveUpOnMe

You've lived with your mom and family for all this time so I understand why the thought of leaving is causing these strong emotions in you. Even-though the way your mother and family have treated you all these years was quite unpleasant and hurtful, this environment was still all you knew and leaving that behind can really be a scary and overwhelming prospect because you're venturing into the unkown. Remaining in your current environment would I think also be a scary and overwhelming prospect considering the abuse you've been subjected too.

Sometimes it is best to allow yourself to feel the way you feel, no matter how intense the emotions are. In this case to allow yourself to feel your way through fear, without letting that fear dictate your actions. Pete Walker who specializes in trauma therapy encourages us to feel the fear in our body without reacting to it. He makes the point that "Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it."

When you look at your fear, do you believe it stems from the uncertainty of what lies ahead when you leave? Or more from how your mother and other family-members would react to your decision to leave? Or a bit of both perhaps?

[bethanny]

Don't Give Up On Me!

Congratulations on your courage.  Courage it has been said is not acting without fear.  It is acting in spite of fear. Moving through the fear.  It wouldn't be courageous without the challenge of that fear.

You are asserting a boundary for yourself.  Boundaries are treasonous to the uBPD.  Proaction is treasonous.  Independent thinking is treasonous.  Not putting them first is treasonous.  Not being on call for their needs is treasonous.

You are committing yourself to that inner child within you whom you were forced to abandon so much of the time in order to be on call for the needy inner child of your mother. Picture yourself comforting her and talking to her gently and encouragingly.

You will have to go through the five stages of grief. And that will be an emotional roller coaster but it will be worth the pain.  Like the sting with frostbite when the feeling comes back into a part of the body.  It is healthy and means there is life and recovery with the sting, not numbness and non-life.

Use this site as a base camp.  Maybe there is a 12 step IRL meeting you can also use as a base camp. Or online chat meetings.  It is good to express your feelings.

Scott Peck said that the family is the base camp as we climb the mountain of life, but sometimes we need a base camp not just for the climb but for a dysfunctional base camp.

Your mother may be weepy and unconsolable and/or she may be enraged and vengeful. We can not predict their reactions all the time, but they were often to extreme degrees of whatever direction they turned.

Say the serenity prayer. Also lots of great slogans which are short cuts to wisdom.  One day at a time. (Sometimes one second at a time.)  Let go and Let God.  Take the action, let go of the result. Easy does it, but do it. etc.

I have a friend who used to say God never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes God pushes us to the edge of what we can handle, however.

Only you know what is right for you.  Support is important but you are responsible for yourself. You have the "ability to respond." 

We accept you and respect you for all you have been through and whatever you are about to do. 

Best, Bethanny

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Anyone who wondered if I ever got out should know. The day after I wrote this post when I was about to leave... .

I almost died, literally. I was hospitalized with a bunch of injuries, I don't wish to say how I got them. I tried.

I really was going to get out. I hope nobody gets upset with me, I was physically harmed and could not leave. Maybe I'm not meant to.

I'm still here.

in the same situation.

the mind games are starting again

I'm falling apart and now I feel completely spent.

I feel like all I've been doing lately is staring into space, and doing things without realizing I'm doing them...

afraid I'm insane,

afraid I'm overreacting

afraid.

I feel like I'm in a thousand different places in my head.

like life is just a surreal wave I'm not part of, but somehow am a part of.

Im not even depressed. I'm just ... .nothing.

I'm afraid this time, my therapist will even give up on me.

[Hopeful_Mom]

Your posts are heartbreaking. Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you.

[Harri]

Hi there.  I won't give up on you and I can't imagine anyone else here doing so.

Things happen, plans change.  I planned to move out a total of three times.  The first two times I was not ready and stayed in the same really bad situation.  I just could not leave her and I too was afraid and questioning whether I would be lonely.  You know what though?  I *was* lonely even though I was surrounded by my 'family'.  The third try was the one that did it for me though I will be honest and say it was hard, it was a different kind of lonely than I was used to, but I did not crumble.  I think the fear of crumbling without them is a result of the constant emotional and verbal abuse. 

Can I suggest that you hang around here more consistently while going through such a rough time?  Just posting alone can make a huge difference and if people respond, so much the better, right?   

[Kwamina]

Hi DontGiveUpOnMe

Thank you very much for this update. I had been thinking about your situation.

I am very sorry though that you were so badly hurt and hospitalized. That's horrible that this happened to you. You don't have to say how you got those injuries, I do hope that you are since doing better though. Have your injuries healed?

Extricating yourself from an abusive environment can be very difficult, this is something many of our members have gone through too. That's why I'm glad you are reaching out here again.

You are dealing with some very difficult and scary thoughts and feelings right now. You mention your therapist, have you discussed this with him/her? If you have, how did your therapist respond?

You are struggling right now, I want you to know that we are here for you to help you deal with this difficult situation. We have some threads here that you might find helpful:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

We are here for you 24/7 whenever you need support and advice

[GreenGlit]

Here here Don't give up on me!

I agree with the above comment - your posts are heartbreaking. Not just because you are suffering, but also because you are doubting yourself. Doubting your ability to survive, to get out, to live your own life. It is heartbreaking because we all know it is possible for you. There is nothing to say you are not capable of it yourself... .don't ever doubt that.

I'm sorry for what you have been suffering, especially most recently right when you saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you a speedy recovery... .I am praying for you.

It is clear that the abuse you have suffered has been emotional, physical, and psychological.

"Once I am away from all this abuse, will I lose my mind?"

That comment chills me to the bone... .because I know that feeling. I know the feeling of confusion and emptiness thinking of life outside of my BPD mother's world. I spent my life catering to her - who am I without her? Am I me? Will I exist? Do I have a purpose?

My therapist used the word "grooming" once to describe what my mom did to me as a child. I was stunned since that word is typically used for pedophiles. But it is very similar - you change a child's perception of themselves and their relationship with the world to suit your emotional or physical needs. I had no perception of myself as an independent person, and therefore believed independent me could exist.

You are your own person, completely independent of your mother. You may not feel it, and you certainly don't believe it - but it is true. Everyone reading your post knows it to be true. There exists a life for you that is your own, free of abuse, free of the hell that you are experiencing.

Can you contact your extended family, even if they are out of the country? Can you reach out to close friends who might lend support? Can your therapist offer you options for leaving? I will share a piece of advice I learned when I myself left the grasp of my emotionally abusive mother: friends and family come out of the woodwork to help you when you are in your greatest time of need. It may surprise you. Reach out and get out. Do not be afraid. When you leave, do not give her your address. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Gather up your strength, your friends, and your support, and leave.

I am thinking about you. Please send us updates.

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

I hate to sound stubborn , but I'm not going to give any more reasons why I can't leave . Ok? I'm getting sick and tired of everyone telling me "just leave!" when they have no NO idea how difficult it is to get out of here without becoming a pity case homeless girl in the street. I refuse to get out of here and put myself in a situation where I KNOW for a fact I have more chance of being revictimized or depressed due to the realization that I am ill prepared to care for myself in this state. I refuse to put my trust in ANY family members or any other people any more. Did anyone see here in any of my posts that I TRIED TO LEAVE? Every post I put here I have everyone saying get out get out , and they don't know that I'm in a catch 22? I CANT leave without revictimizing myself in a worse way . It's one hell traded for a less familiar hell. The ONLY way I can get out the right way is through a long term plan that unfortunately is failing because I am trying to cope with being here. I need support , I don't need " get  ou get out get some money and just say bye" it's irresponsible for me to do for myself , for my sister , and unrealistic! It really is !

I am trying to establish a career so I can get out in a dignified way , without ever EVER being under someone and having to put all my trust in them because I have no other choice , I just need somewhere to vent and get support so I can withstand this mind torture. Please, I know you are all trying to help but you are not here in this situation and have no idea the kind of unnecessary danger in putting myself in by leaving , I have just enough to survive until I get my career going and if I leave all that has to go out he window and I'll end up worse off.

I cannot gather up my strength ! It's like asking someone who hasn't eaten in a month to stop being hungry I'm just trying to get by and post here to get through the worst of it . I'm scared and I'm not scared for no reason. 

Even my therapist has bowed her head a few times, knowing this is not easy and I'm in a bad bind that nobody might ever understand until one day I get out. I'm sorry if I sound mean, it's just making me tired to always include how I can't leave right now in my posts. Sometimes what is in the books doesn't always apply to everyone right away in every moment in time, it's not how I want to leave , I want to hold my head up when I leave. At lease once in my life. I feel I owe it to me to not leave in a way that makes my life harder. Please ... .

I'm sorry again if I sound insensitive it's just, It makes me feel like people think I just stay here and like to complain for attention , I post here to get my feelings out and try to work it out somehow with people who are in or were in similar situations ... .

I'm sorry everyone

If I made people upset.

[GreenGlit]

I'm sorry.

I feel like I can speak for most people on this board and say we wish you happiness.

You certainly have my support. I am thinking of you and hope that everything aligns so you can get going with your career and find a safe way out of your home.

Keep fighting.

[Eyeamme]

I just want you to know that although I don't have suggestions for you I can offer you a friendly place to vent. I think everyone here is routing for you. Your physical safety is a concern from all that are empathizing with you. I have been in a physical and emotional abusive relationship. I am so sorry you are there.

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

I'm sorry.

I feel like I can speak for most people on this board and say we wish you happiness.

You certainly have my support. I am thinking of you and hope that everything aligns so you can get going with your career and find a safe way out of your home.

Keep fighting.

Green gilt I'm sorry I feel like my post was kind of like a temper tantrum. I'm just frustrated. It's not just you, you tried in good intention everyone here has good intentions , I know everyone is trying to help . I guess it's just because years ago when people were first responding to my posts they said the same thing and I kind of blew up , it wasn't just your post, I'm sorry . I feel terrible , I'm just scared because there is literally little place that is safe. I was so scared but so relieved to finally go and then I find myself in a hospital revictimized , it was such a horrible thing to feel like I was almost there and then it made me realize I have to do this more carefully, I have to do this in the safest and most long lasting way.

I appreciate your help you gave good advice I just blew up because I got frustrated it's NOT you. I'm sorry

[Panda39]

I hate to sound stubborn , but I'm not going to give any more reasons why I can't leave . Ok? I'm getting sick and tired of everyone telling me "just leave!" when they have no NO idea how difficult it is to get out of here

We empathize and sympathize and we care and are worried for you that is why we suggest leaving but we get the message you are not ready/unable to leave yet and that is okay... .you haven't upset anyone. 

How can we help support you?

I am trying to establish a career so I can get out in a dignified way... .

What does getting out in dignified way look like to you? What do you have in mind?

I'm glad you've come back to post and encourage you to continue.

Take Care,

Panda39

[Kwamina]

Hi again DontGiveUpOnMe

You have a lot on your plate which isn't easy. You are feeling frustrated and I can relate to that. For many years I lived alone with my uBPD mother which was often extremely difficult.

I am glad you are again reaching out here for support and advice. As you can tell by the responses you're getting, we are still here for you. I don't think you've made anyone upset, I actually think the people that previously responded to you in this thread are very glad to see you posting here again.

Living with disordered family-members can be very tough. It is what it is though and while you are in this situation, the advisable strategy seems to try to make the best out of things while you are there and at the same time working diligently on building your career and planning for the future. I agree that proper planning is indeed important and to take things one step at a time.

Would you perhaps like to learn more about coping and communication skills that might help you deal better with your disordered family-members and the stress all of this causes?

Having a support network in the form of a therapist can be invaluable. How often do you see your therapist? And how long have you had this therapist?

I hope you've been able to heal from your physical injuries

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi DontGiveUpOnMe 

May I point out some positive things that I see from your posts?

You express how you are feeling quite well, helping us to understand how you feel about things right now in your life. That is amazing indeed! So many of us here struggle greatly to be able to put into words something vital and moving which may help to release that 'trapped' feeling. You may feel and are trapped physically, but you are showing us that you have a great resilience within you.

I also see that you have a flame of light inside of you that refuses to be put out. Perhaps it is that refusal that has allowed you to survive. There is a lot of strength inside you! Thank you for sharing that with us. 

I'm just scared because there is literally little place that is safe. 

I have to do this more carefully, I have to do this in the safest and most long lasting way.

Although I've not walked in your shoes, I understand in my own life what it is to feel unsafe. It is a terrible feeling, one which chases me on a regular basis. I'm better now and able to find some places where I feel safe, but it was hard to be able to find them at first, and it took me a long time. To me I hear that you do have a safe place inside of you, one where hope lives. That is a little safe place within you where you can hide and no one else can come in unless you chose to let them in. I stayed in my safe place a lot growing up, and even as an adult now, I can retreat there to think and plan. The light of hope burns in that safe place within you. Go there as often as you need to.

I admire your strength to plan ahead and be careful, thinking of preserving yourself. Look ahead to the hope of good things to come as you get your career off the ground. You are cared for by all of us! 

Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi DontGiveUpOnMe,

A few days have passed, how are you feeling now?

You mention trying to establish your career. What kind of career are you trying to get going?

It is good to have things that you're passionate about as they can give you the motivation and impetus to keep moving forward. I'm interested in hearing more about the things you are passionate about and the particular fields you are trying to establish a career in. I hope you would be willing to tell us a some more about this

Take care

[Itzposzible]

Hi.

You are in my thoughts and prayers 

I want to let you know I just escaped... .0 contact... .it really hurts but I am already getting moments of real joy instead of constant fear. It took me 54 years to see it! Always trust how you feel... .if you feel bad then they are not good for you & you must get some distance from their craziness.

I YouTubed "InnerChild healing & Self Love visualisations &;meditations... even when I did not believe it. People kept saying "You need to Love yourself" but I did not know how to due to the gaslighting abuse.

"NarcissistSurvivor" is great & Sam Vadkin. It made me realise and give a name to the crazy-making brainwashing & gaslighting that was going on.

Let us know how you are. I love you.xx