My life will not be what it should

[BobbyRascal]

The dream of living a life together to the end with years of laughter together has eroded and now I am coming to the realization that there is no way to do it with her. I know I have tried and now I don't even like her. All marriages go through ups and downs but these downs are not normal. Not normal when I was growing up, not normal with friends, and from what I am reading here, only normal in this community.

We had a wonderful weekend but then Sunday, it disintegrates into her calling me names and my continued belief I can fix this. If I say the right thing, act the right way, and watch my every move. I go for a run. We move through our events, cold, alone but together. Lightly joking. Hugging. Showing esteem for the other. Then it is time for bed. And she dives into name calling. Threats.

I spend the better part of 90 minutes validating, reassuring, and being kind, but I am exhausted and have tons of work the following day. We have four kids under five. Stress is always high. I cannot break through. She is unable to stop. I sleep on the couch.

The next morning it starts again. Name calling, starting fights with me, in front of the kids.

I get out in one piece. Nothing thrown. Then the name calling starts again over text and phone calls. I tell her to leave a vm after she is calm. I will ignore anything else.

And now I am here. With 4 little kids and an unstable caregiver I am afraid of what life I will live. Mostly for my kids I fear if I stay, then they will witness horrible behavior and if I go, what care will they have. And neither route brings me closer to the life I once dreamed about and I am trying to make the best of horrible circumstances.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Neveralone]

I know how you feel. Having young children in the house is especially painful. It is about them too not just you and your wife- thats the heartbreaking part. When these scenarios happen with my husband and he is raging i mostly worry about how it is affecting my son even though thankfully he is never the brunt of it. It scares me so much that if he continues to witness these moments that he may turn out like that also. Lets face it. There is emotional harm in our houses. We just have to decide what boundaries there are and what we are willing to risk. Is having both parents together though chaotic worth it? I stay because i still have an inkling of hope and want to exhaust every avenue. but if there ever came a time that i think we need a break i would take it for the sake of our children. 

[takingandsending]

Hi BobbyRascal   and welcome to bpdfamily.

I am really sorry that you are going through such an emotional struggle with your wife, and there are times that it feels like things simply cannot go on even a moment more as they are. We have all experienced that at some time or another. And you're right, this is how things are meant to be.

The key to change lies within what you can do for yourself. As you do more to take care of yourself, the better things will be for you, your children and ultimately, your wife. You can't fix this, nor are you responsible to do so. This site is a good place to be. There is a lot of excellent information in the Lessons on the right of the page. Also, as you have four small children at home, reading the Lessons on the Co-parenting board is also essential.

I am not going to say that my situation is the same as yours, but I have two small boys at home and negotiate the ever-changing landscape with my BPD wife, as well. Using the communication tools here on the right has at least given me enough space to build back some positive regard for my wife so that I can both like and not like her v. just plain not liking her. It hurts when you realize that you are in that numb and empty space, just going through the motions. It can get better. The communication tools help, but mostly, it will be your decision to start taking care of yourself and creating healthy boundaries that will bring the level of verbal abuse down. Until that improves, it is really tough to have any hope.

What sorts of things can you do for yourself this upcoming weekend that bring you happiness free of the negatives coming from your partner? Are you seeing a T for yourself?Doing these things will actually start breaking the cycle that you describe. Keep posting, and keep asking questions. There is a good community here that understand and will do their utmost to help.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums!

The lessons have lots of really great information in them.

I have 4 kids as well. One of the questions that came to mind is how old are your kids? If they are all under five, then I am guessing that they are pretty young. The reason that I ask this is because of postpartum depression.

How long has your wife been like this?

I am so sorry to hear that you are in such a tough spot. A lot of us here have been where you are. Hang in there and keep posting! This place is a great place to get support.

[formflier]

  I tell her to leave a vm after she is calm. I will ignore anything else.

Welcome to the forum... .I'm glad you have found us.

Parenting with an unstable partner is stressful.  I have several children as well.

Looking forward to future posts from you.

My quick advice... .is to "tell" her less... .and "show her" more.

So... .if she texts you "properly"... nicely... .then respond.  If not... .delete it... .and never think on it again.

Thoughts?

FF