After months, I think I finally "deciphered" her break-up talk

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I got this conclusion when thinking about how pwBPD project their feelings onto you, in order to not feel the shame and guilt themselves, and I was trying to make sense of a lot of things she said and I think I finally have deciphered her ACTUAL breakup talk.

The original went something like this:

"I can't do this anymore, you told me I wasn't putting enough effort into this r/s as you did. I canceled plans with friends with you, I didn't see my family for you, I changed so much for you. You've pushed me so much with these wedding talks, giving me all of those titles I didn't ask for like "family" and "future wife", moving in together. It's impossible that I keep crying so much because of you. I have enough problems of my own to be dealing with yours as well, you know that. I dove into open water with you and you killed me, you KILLED ME! I know you love me, but you'll find someone else."

This and a whole other lot of stuff that mostly didn't make sense, she was WAY DEEP into moving in together with me, hyped as much as I was, even more, so I turned on my "BPD translator" and got to this:

"You can't do this anymore. You told me I wasn't putting enough into this r/s as you did. You canceled plans with friends for me, didn't see your family for me, changed so much for me. I pushed you so much with these wedding talks, making you call me things like "family" and "future wife" even though we've known each other for only a few months, because you tried to save me. It's impossible that you keep crying so much because of me , you have enough problems of your own to be dealing with mine as well, you know that. You dove into open water with me and I KILLED YOU! You know that I love you, and I know you love me, but you will find someone else, someone who's worth all you can give, because I know I can't be that person".

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you get closure.

[Bassoutcast]

I got this conclusion when thinking about how pwBPD project their feelings onto you, in order to not feel the shame and guilt themselves, and I was trying to make sense of a lot of things she said and I think I finally have deciphered her ACTUAL breakup talk.

The original went something like this:

"I can't do this anymore, you told me I wasn't putting enough effort into this r/s as you did. I canceled plans with friends with you, I didn't see my family for you, I changed so much for you. You've pushed me so much with these wedding talks, giving me all of those titles I didn't ask for like "family" and "future wife", moving in together. It's impossible that I keep crying so much because of you. I have enough problems of my own to be dealing with yours as well, you know that. I dove into open water with you and you killed me, you KILLED ME! I know you love me, but you'll find someone else."

This and a whole other lot of stuff that mostly didn't make sense, she was WAY DEEP into moving in together with me, hyped as much as I was, even more, so I turned on my "BPD translator" and got to this:

"You can't do this anymore. You told me I wasn't putting enough into this r/s as you did. You canceled plans with friends for me, didn't see your family for me, changed so much for me. I pushed you so much with these wedding talks, making you call me things like "family" and "future wife" even though we've known each other for only a few months, because you tried to save me. It's impossible that you keep crying so much because of me , you have enough problems of your own to be dealing with mine as well, you know that. You dove into open water with me and I KILLED YOU! You know that I love you, and I know you love me, but you will find someone else, someone who's worth all you can give, because I know I can't be that person".

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you get closure.

[Sunfl0wer]

Lol!

Well, my first thought to reading that was... .

Well, ok, but for me closure includes my partner hearing me, recognizing me... .not just spitting out their perceived pain.

But then I see that what you present IS a bit of her hearing and seeing you.

It is in the same way... .if we look into those distorted carnival mirrors.  We CAN see ourself.  All our pieces are there visible... .in some odd distorted, reversed, mixed way.

I'm glad that you have found a piece of peace for yourself Bassoutcast!

[rotiroti]

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you get closure.

haha thanks for the laughs BC!

Thanks for posting this, I was reviewing my situation and am starting to see the extreme of their projections. I was also in a situation where I was invited to move-in and engaged at their behest. Did she forget the fact that it was her idea?

Goes to show you, they really do rewrite history to fit their emotional memory

[Bassoutcast]

Sunflower - Great metaphor with the fun-house mirrors, it's true - you can see yourself in the mess, but you really have to have a keen eye in order to tell how someone REALLY looks behind one.

Neveragainthanks - Don't mention it. I'm always happy to share my POV on the matter, and if I manage to ease someone's pain, even by a fraction, it makes my day

[rotiroti]

so in terms of projection, one of the last conversations included telling me that I had 'changed.' Would that be a fair way of saying that she had changed and she was projecting that feeling onto me?

[Pretty Woman]

Never Again,

    Yes.  That is exactly right.

Mine said after she just dumped me for someone else:

I think you are capable of having a relationship... .just not with me.

I took this as:

I am not capable of having a relationship but you are.

[Bassoutcast]

so in terms of projection, one of the last conversations included telling me that I had 'changed.' Would that be a fair way of saying that she had changed and she was projecting that feeling onto me?

I would think so.

Seeing as pwBPD mirror their partners in order to create a so-called "fairy-tale" relationship, and get you attached FAST, she certainly did change a lot about herself in order to "fit" your own fantasy and be your "dream girl".

Thing is, she didn't really "changed", more like "adapted" herself to the new situation, like a chameleon, she just saw your color and went with it, but she can change back at a snap of a finger once she sees a new color. it's just a part of their nature.

[rotiroti]

Never Again,

    Yes.  That is exactly right.

Mine said after she just dumped me for someone else:

I think you are capable of having a relationship... .just not with me.

I took this as:

I am not capable of having a relationship but you are.

ty PW, it must've been so painful to hear that

but you know what? good riddance for both of us. I recently read your post about ex#1-9. You have the patience of a saint to have stuck around for so long!

Seeing as pwBPD mirror their partners in order to create a so-called "fairy-tale" relationship, and get you attached FAST, she certainly did change a lot about herself in order to "fit" your own fantasy and be your "dream girl".

Thing is, she didn't really "changed", more like "adapted" herself to the new situation, like a chameleon, she just saw your color and went with it, but she can change back at a snap of a finger once she sees a new color. it's just a part of their nature.

Wow... it's crazy that they really have no sense of self. And the adaption makes you blind to all the red flags. I've been thinking about my ex and her identity... .over the last 8 years I've known her, she has been so many different things. When she was with me, I thought she had finally settled down and was ready to take on life with me. Man do i feel silly... .

thanks again Bassoutcast!

[healingslowly12]

This was a very powerful post for me.  I think about things they said and I need to run the translator to understand the real meaning. 

Thank you.

[Bassoutcast]

This was a very powerful post for me.  I think about things they said and I need to run the translator to understand the real meaning. 

Thank you.

You're very welcome!

I would love to help, anytime 

[DyingLove]

I really don't think this was meant to be comical. At least I didn't take it that way. In fact it brought on tears relating this to my RS.  If this is all true, then her affliction is very sad indeed as well as worthy of my sadness for her (instead of my anger).

Still, I hate this crap.  Wish there never was a BPD. Wish none of us ever hurt from such a horrible thing.

[Bassoutcast]

I really don't think this was meant to be comical. At least I didn't take it that way. In fact it brought on tears relating this to my RS.  If this is all true, then her affliction is very sad indeed as well as worthy of my sadness for her (instead of my anger).

Still, I hate this crap.  Wish there never was a BPD. Wish none of us ever hurt from such a horrible thing.

Never meant it to be comical, actually, just wanted to provide some insight.

Regarding your last sentence - we're all in the same boat, mate, but I've come to realize that regardless of our partners having BPD or not, it still wouldn't have lasted, and why is that? because without BPD, they PROBABLY wouldn't be looking for a soother, a co-dependent partner who would become their "whipping boy" in the end, so either way we still wouldn't be able to have a relationship with them (maybe with the exception of a FEW relationships that would somehow be manageable, a FRACTION of all BPD r/s).

All things come for a reason - either it was a wake up call, bad karma or whatever you may call it, it still happened for a reason. We can not change the past but we can learn from it and make a better future. We have no time machine, we cannot go back, only forward, and it is useless to think in "what if" scenarios - because it DOESN'T MATTER anymore. The only thing that matters is what you make of it, how YOU move forward with your life and make it better for YOU, and sure we can have regrets - but a life without regrets isn't a life worth living.

Hope you will find your peace of mind, DyingLove.