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Author Topic: Was I in a trauma bond with SD?  (Read 218 times)
Sunfl0wer
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« on: July 07, 2015, 09:32:18 PM »

Ok guys,

Please bear with me.  I think I'm onto something!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Ok... .so earlier today I read the following from a post made on another thread.  Credit to member 2010.

Excerpt
In a trauma bond, one person often becomes "stuck," unable to move on from hurtful experience. They then re-live it over and over again often in the form of concentrating on the other's behaviors, (not their own) distancing from their own pain and dissociating, which creates toxic immobility- in essence being "frozen in time."

What does this mean? It means that you are a bystander to your own trauma- you choose to project your pain onto someone who cannot carry it for you nor should they. Your anxiety and fear about the outcome (and fighting) of this new relationship (one that doesn't really involve you except as a third party onlooker and naysayer) is really about your own sense of self worth and fragile self esteem. That self esteem is being manipulated to an extent that you feel that you are the only rescuer that understands what is going on- but the truth of the matter is that you cannot understand -because if you did- you would be *disordered* yourself.



I have to disagree with one point:  That to understand this means that you are disordered.  I imagine even at my healthiest, I will still be attune to the dynamics of disorder while being an outsider vs participant.  Anyway... .that isn't much important.


What IS important is that it SPOKE to me!  

This issue I have been stuck on... .and I bring up from time to time... .I mull and toss it around.  This unrest I have about my SD.  More than just the psychological abuse of her that I witnessed and felt helpless to, the way anyone would.  I have always realized my desire to rescue her from her parents.  Her mom a full on NPD/BPD and dad with enough traits to only diagnose him in the home environment, but otherwise pretty well functioning.  They both used this child for narcissistic supply... .and messed with her mind.

So this is it!

I was in a trauma bond originally with the ex.  

        I was trying to rescue him from the exW.  

        This is what drew me to him.  I was horrified by what was happening to him... .and drawn to help him with it.

Then when SD came into my life, my trauma bond shifted to HER.

        That is why he was so jealous!  

(Oh gosh... .if anyone has somewhat followed some of my random weird stories I think this would makes sense to you as well)

However, at first... .

  Ex AND SD were BOTH victims of the ex.  

        So it still worked out.  

        The triangle was stable.

Then... .

We all moved in.  My expectations shifted.  I started to expect him and I together to lead the home and protect (and raise) BOTH kids.  He rejected this "leader" role I tried to put on him... .

        He responded by COMPETING with his own D and my S for the old role of victim!

        Sometimes he would try to be the rescuer... .but never of me or S, only of his D. (As S was his scapegoat always

              black... .whereas I fluctuated from black/white)

As we were all living together... .biomom was championing the most impressive PAS campaign that ever existed.  (I'd blow you away with details... .but they would be identifying... .due to the extreme bizarre nature)

        So for years, biomom is abusing us.  Ex wants to be the victim of this.  I insist he needs to stop being abused.  That he    

        needs to stand up and set some basic boundaries for all of our sakes... .esp SD.  He continues to "fall prey" to exW.  I am

        frustrated, so he becomes victim of me as well... .as my expecting him to be a leader is just not a role he can manage.

All this time I become quite obsessed and hyperfocused on SD vs Ex.  My trauma bond that began with just Ex, shifted to ex+SD, eventually becomes just SD, and more intensely so as she actually is helpless vs ex.  As I am now protecting her from both her Biomom AND her dad that is using her for narcissistic supply as a way to cope with his self esteem issues from his exW and now me who is telling him he should do more.

Well... . Ex realizes that I am protecting his SD... .even though I try to elicit his help and include him... .I try to parent as partners... .he has already caught on to the fact that I do not trust him to protect us... .and is threatened by my adult expectations for partnership. (Much harm literally comes our way that he invited by the hand of Biomom... .to appease her abuse on him and her holding us all hostage... .he is shameful)

So Ex begins his own PAS campaign against me... .and competes with SD... .and cuts me off from her gradually, then completely.  (regaining a hero role for himself)

There is more... .

But I think the important part is that the whole attachment part that I played is a trauma bond, which shifted.  Even post b/u... .the things I am curious about are different than many other members.  I don't care about what he is doing, who he is with.  I want to know details about his ex's interactions with him... .and SD... .and how that all turned out.

I told myself that this was because I miss SD... .I do.  But it is also more than that.  I am drawn to the desire to fulfill my role as being know as the rescuer of her.  Or at least have it known that I was good for her... .and could have successfully saved her in a healthy way.

I was the only person not using her... .who could see her for who she was... .who would allow her voice without tainting it with my own desires and needs.  (This is the definition given above for trauma bond)

But now... .maybe that is also tainted in some way?  I did not make her a victim to serve my purpose... .she legitimately was.  I did not exaggerate or invent things... .there was more than enough that I wish wasn't the case.  

Can anyone follow this line of thinking?

I think I figured something out... .but now I am ending feeling a bit crummy.

I know I have my own issues... .but I do not feel that I used her also.  I think my care was very appropriate and insightful.  

I hope it was.  I hope my impact was a healthy one, I feel it was.  My motivations may have stemmed from disorder some.  My end desires have some disordered desire... .

So how do I find peace within about my role in this?

       
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
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