BPDexgf Ignoring Communication about Paying Me Back

[mrwigand]

Well, many of you have advised me just to write off what my BPDexgf owes me from when I fronted her bail money, and it looks like my ex has made that decision somewhat easier as she has seemingly decided to ignore me when I initiate communication about it.

This actually isn't normally like her. Communication on this subject is often dramatic and far more difficult than it needs to be, but she is usually willing to discuss it and she has paid me back some of the money to this point.

Recently though... .Nothing. I'm not overreacting though. It sucks, but the situation won't be benefited by me losing my cool, which is perhaps what she wants in any case. Also, maybe there's an explanation I'm not aware of, but after everything that's happened it's very hard to give my ex the benefit of the doubt.

[Sunfl0wer]

Is there anything you can reasonably do about it? 

Is it worth the cost?  (Cost can be aggravation or otherwise)

I'm sorry you are in this position.  It is not a surprise though that a disordered person has something you want and won't give up control.  The only way to take back control... .may just have to be to stop wanting it.  Sorry!

I will be very honest... .there are some things I didn't want to give up... .silly things.  I do like the idea of staying connected.  He did it by returning some things... .I did it by wanting to save something as dumb as some cards of his.  I ended up letting go and returning the cards when he offered the return of some of my things.

I still love him.  I still wish we could chat like friends.  I still wish for some minor connection but not a r/s.  It is a sad thought to think we cannot relate on a friendly level as a neighbor would.

[mrwigand]

Hey, Sunflower! Thanks for the response, but unfortunately you might be right... .There's perhaps not much I can do.

It's surprising she's doing this though because we have some mutual friends, and might find ourselves at the same events, etc. So it's not as if she can reasonably expect to never see me. That being said, the last thing I want to do is engage her in public or bring our mutual friends in the middle of this.

Thank you for your advice though, Sunflower. What you said makes a lot of sense.

[Infared]

My experience with my ex pwBPD is that she did not take responsibility for her actions. Heck, she tried to deny a lot of her actionS, lied about them and regularly rewrote history (actual facts), to put herself in a better position, to allow her to blame me or others or to allow her to be the victim. It was very immature, childlike behavior.

I deeply loved and cared about this person, but after she ran off with the replacement and repeatedly acted this way I realized that it was fruitless to interact with her. It was just pain and anguish for me. Of course, she knew this (and I think that she enjoyed it, too.), I see that as mental illness.

I decided that the person I had loved was not real or gone and needed to sever all contact and just move on with my life.  Once she flicked the switch, interacting with her was just damaging to me... ."I" had to put an end to it. Tough life stuff.  Just suck it up and move on... .not easy. To continually bang my head against that wall was a form of insanity for me.

[chill1986]

My BPDx cost me a lot of money, we moved into a house together and bought stuff for the house and I put a lot of effort into the house and garden. Paid money into her savings account for us each month. Holidays were also paid for, one the Africa for her friends wedding that she begged me to go on, cost me £800, since dumping me she sent me a link to reclaim the tax which is about half. Also the cost since the break up is in the thousands.

She gave me £200 for part of what I paid for the sofa and that was it. No remorse since and I have just written it all off. Some of my family say to send her a bill, but I don't think it's worth it, she won't listen and will make excuses, I'm cutting contact and trying to move on.

[SummerStorm]

My former friend BPD has several things that belong to me, one of which has sentimental value.  For three weeks, ever since she went NC and told me to get out of her life, her boyfriend and I have been communicating back and forth, trying to get her to send back my things.  She has had one of them since the end of March.  When we were still friends, I probably asked her 1-2 times a week to return it, and she would always say, "I said I would return it" or "I forgot."  She gave him the "I forgot" reply last week. 

Her boyfriend is nice, but he seems to either be in denial about her BPD, hasn't taken the time to research BPD, or thinks that, since she's been diagnosed and is on meds now, she is suddenly cured.  So, communicating with him is sometimes like communicating with a brick wall.   

[greenmonkey]

When I went strict No Contact nearly 8 months ago I also made the conscious decision to write off the debts that she owed me.

This was for a number of reasons

1. It would mean that we would have to communicate at some level after I wanted her out of my life and therefore I would not be able to go No contact and start looking after me and getting my health back.

2. She could not pay me back as she had no money - she refused to manage her money as the rest of her life - and she went into continual rages every time it was ever mentioned.

3. She owed various different government departments money - who were more likely to get their money back than me - and if she failed to pay the debt they had the powers to make her bankrupt and seize her assets.

I decided it was healthier for me to remove her from my life, right off the money owed and start putting my life back together than attempt to communicate with a 5 year old in an adult body about her debts.

[Infared]

When I went strict No Contact nearly 8 months ago I also made the conscious decision to write off the debts that she owed me.

This was for a number of reasons

1. It would mean that we would have to communicate at some level after I wanted her out of my life and therefore I would not be able to go No contact and start looking after me and getting my health back.

2. She could not pay me back as she had no money - she refused to manage her money as the rest of her life - and she went into continual rages every time it was ever mentioned.

3. She owed various different government departments money - who were more likely to get their money back than me - and if she failed to pay the debt they had the powers to make her bankrupt and seize her assets.

I decided it was healthier for me to remove her from my life, right off the money owed and start putting my life back together than attempt to communicate with a 5 year old in an adult body about her debts.

So many of us go through these experiences.  I am soo soo glad that we have this place to come and connect with each other.  Sometimes I really thought I was going insane with what I was dealing with... .and you and others let me know that you went through it, too... .and just knowing that helps take the edge off.

I think you made incredibly healthy decisions for yourself. Bravo!

[Gonzalo]

Other than the refunds from cancelling joint auto insurance and phone plan, my ex- has made no effort to repay the $1500 or so she owes me, and shows no signs of doing so. The whole big song and dance about how important it was to her to repay people was just more smokescreen - though she probably believes it, and has some reason to paint me black and decide that I'm not owed the money. Like greenmonky's ex-, she was absolutely terrible at managing finances (wouldn't even talk to a credit counselor at the credit union) and would go into a rage when discussing money. I would like to have the money back, but since it's been seven months with nary a word from her I don't expect to ever see it.

I learned a lot from that relationship about things like not ignoring warning signs, being willing to drop someone who doesn't work for me, and communicating better, so I just think of it as a teaching fee. Mine was certainly cheaper than a lot of people's here.

[SummerStorm]

I would like to have the money back, but since it's been seven months with nary a word from her I don't expect to ever see it.

I feel the same way.  Luckily, all I'm missing are a soccer jersey, two t-shirts, a book, and a microwave container.  I've been asking my former friend BPD since March to return the jersey and since May to return everything else.  Since she went NC three weeks ago, her boyfriend has been telling her to mail them to me.  She keeps telling him she will, but it's clear she won't.  Today, I texted him and told him I accept the fact that I will never get my things back.  That's the last text I'll ever send him.  It's clear that she's been slowly painting me black because he's gone from replying to me and telling me that she's been raging again to only answering me in a few words.  I've tried to warn him, but he thinks that he can make everything better if he just keeps trying.  I guess he'll find out the truth in a few months... .