Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
December 23, 2024, 06:01:34 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.
Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Source of BPD?
Pages: [
1
]
2
All
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Source of BPD? (Read 1122 times)
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Source of BPD?
«
on:
July 08, 2015, 02:53:00 AM »
Has anyone found the source of their ex or SOs BPD? If so did they find it difficult to talk about?
For example my BPDx had her mother die when she was 9, 20 years ago and anytime her name was mentioned she would fly off the handle. I know it's not easy dealing with something like that, but her two sisters seemed fine talking about it and have even tried to talk to her and ask why it still upsets her so much.
This is only part of what makes her this way, but you get the point?
Logged
enlighten me
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #1 on:
July 08, 2015, 03:34:01 AM »
Im in the nature camp so even though her mums death affected her I believe she was already predisposed to BPD. Because of this her mums death would be seen as abandonment. Also why her sisters react differently.
Just my opinion though.
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #2 on:
July 08, 2015, 03:37:37 AM »
Quite possibly. Guess I'll never know! Just curious.
Her dad remarried and then she had to go and live with her gran, so another level of abandonment. Then an ex cheated on her and sent her photos on Valentine's Day.
All these could contribute, just think it may have started with her mum.
Logged
enlighten me
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #3 on:
July 08, 2015, 05:02:55 AM »
Her mum could have been the trigger that kicked it in for her. One thing I noticed with my exs isthat their version of events differs from others versions. The traumas that my exs told me differ dramatically from others perceptions of events. That said you cant really twist a death.
There is some evidence to show that ASPD and PTSD have an underlying predisposition and events can trigger it to go full blown. If this is the case then I can see BPD having this predispotion.
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #4 on:
July 08, 2015, 05:12:28 AM »
Then would another traumatic event kick it off again?
For instance they went through a calm period then something happened like a stressful event eg moving house and feeling unsettled which caused her to become nasty.
Logged
enlighten me
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #5 on:
July 08, 2015, 06:20:54 AM »
The problem is in my opinion once the genies out of the bottle then you cant put it back in. Without therapy the behaviour will always be there. Stress will just bring it to the surface.
Holidays, moving house and even weddings can trigger them because theyre stressful events.
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #6 on:
July 08, 2015, 06:27:13 AM »
Sounds about right, whenever she got stressed out eg at work (she has a stressful long hour job) she took it out on me.
I called her on that particular one and she realised she did the one time and apologised but didn't last long!
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #7 on:
July 08, 2015, 06:29:10 AM »
What happens when we aren't there to blame it on?
When I went into the house to move my stuff out I noticed she had been drinking and smoking lots and not eating well.
Logged
FrenchConnection
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 60
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #8 on:
July 08, 2015, 06:29:35 AM »
My BPDex claimed that her parents had adult parties when she was a baby and that some of the "adults" would come into her and her sister's room while they were sleeping and do "sexual" acts with them. She also said her father had numerous sexual encounters with her as a child.
Finally, she confided in me that when she was only 3 years old her parents left her alone in the house for over a week. She spent over 3 days all alone before her grandparents came to get her.
My ex also told me many other stories that i found out were not completely true about things that happened in her life. So i can not be sure what is true and what is made up. But one thing is sure, something very bad happened to her as a child that came from her parents. She no longer sees or talks to her father (since many, many years).
So the source for me is her early childhood and the abandonment and sexual abuse.
Sometimes she would talk about it and sometimes she did not want to talk about it.
One thing was clear for me: i could not help her out of her BPD. She needs a full professional for that and the awareness that she has the problem. Until that occurs she will live out all her life in this horrible state.
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #9 on:
July 08, 2015, 06:43:29 AM »
Common theme is that it stems from childhood then.
I realised too late what was going on, just thought she was moody and stressed. Well she was that too! I couldn't help her now even if I wanted to, she wants nothing to do with me.
Logged
hergestridge
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 760
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #10 on:
July 08, 2015, 06:59:28 AM »
The way my ex tells it her childhood was ok until around age 9-10 when she ran into conflict with teachers and as a consequence she fell out with her parents for not "backing her up" (she basically demanded to have teachers fired).
It did come with puberty/menstruation.
When my wife was pregnant, her conflict-seeking behavior disappeared. It started again two months after our daughter was born.
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #11 on:
July 08, 2015, 07:03:22 AM »
Around age 9 was when my exs mother died, her sisters were a bit older although it affected one instantly and she went off the rails, but she was a teenager and has since calmed down.
Logged
fromheeltoheal
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #12 on:
July 08, 2015, 07:26:44 AM »
The genesis of BPD is not necessarily abuse. It's a failure of someone to successfully detach from their mother on their way to becoming an autonomous individual and developing a 'self' of their own, and happens within the first years of life. The behavior of the parents, the conditions after birth and the kid's predisposition are all factors, and it happens so early in development that it gets hardwired into the personality before cognitive thought is possible, so there is no conscious awareness of it for the borderline. If abuse or neglect happens later that just makes things worse because the child had stopped developing when the disorder showed up, so they may not have tools available to process events in an empowering way.
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #13 on:
July 08, 2015, 07:28:53 AM »
Thanks fromheeltoheal
I'm trying to understand BPD better and that helps a lot.
Logged
enlighten me
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #14 on:
July 08, 2015, 07:36:53 AM »
Quote from: hergestridge on July 08, 2015, 06:59:28 AM
The way my ex tells it her childhood was ok until around age 9-10 when she ran into conflict with teachers and as a consequence she fell out with her parents for not "backing her up" (she basically demanded to have teachers fired).
It did come with puberty/menstruation.
When my wife was pregnant, her conflict-seeking behavior disappeared. It started again two months after our daughter was born.
I have read numerous posts on different sites saying how pregnancy and menopause had an affect of putting BPD into remission. It doesnt happen in every case but does for me point to an actual physical problem as opposed to psycological. I was reading about brain plasticity so whether it is something from birth or if events have causef it I dont know as the brain can rewire itself. My personal opinion is from birth but thats just an opinion and not fact.
Logged
hergestridge
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 760
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #15 on:
July 08, 2015, 08:27:30 AM »
Quote from: chill1986 on July 08, 2015, 07:28:53 AM
Thanks fromheeltoheal
I'm trying to understand BPD better and that helps a lot.
Or take a look here:
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Borderline-personality-disorder/Pages/Causes.aspx
There is a variety of cobtributing factors involved.
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #16 on:
July 08, 2015, 08:39:21 AM »
Thanks that explains a few things!
Logged
Invictus01
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 480
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #17 on:
July 08, 2015, 08:50:52 AM »
Judging by a whole lot of stuff I have read on personality disorders, it is about 50% nature (genetic) and 50% nurture (effed up parenting). My ex seems to fit that theory. I met her mother from everything I know about her and everything I've seen from her is a narc herself. My ex's brother was diagnosed being bipolar. Many many resources you read start with this - "Personality disorder is NOT bipolar mental illness". This clearly implies that two are often confused for each other. When I found out about her brother being bipolar, my heart sunk a little bit because (a) I was worried that it might show up in her and (b) I was worried what would happen if we had kids, what would happen. Bipolar IS genetic. Anyway, this is my personal experience with all this.
Logged
apollotech
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 792
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #18 on:
July 08, 2015, 11:02:45 AM »
According to the professionals, the base of BPD is in place before the age of 3. As
FHTH
pointed out, it stems from an unhealthy attachment or detachment in the case of BPD. Emotionally, a pwBPD doesn't mature beyond this point. Again, according to the professionals, the trama occurs way before even recoverable memories are formed.
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #19 on:
July 08, 2015, 11:23:39 AM »
Then my idea about her mothers death causing it is wrong, maybe I'm wrong about the BPD?
Would you please look at the OP in this and see if I'm right on the BPD?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279545.0
Logged
fromheeltoheal
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #20 on:
July 08, 2015, 11:34:03 AM »
Quote from: chill1986 on July 08, 2015, 11:23:39 AM
Then my idea about her mothers death causing it is wrong, maybe I'm wrong about the BPD?
Would you please look at the OP in this and see if I'm right on the BPD?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279545.0
22 posts in one day chill, you're on a roll!
As mentioned, the disorder started before she was her own 'person' with a 'self'. So the self that is there is unstable, easily swayed by emotions that are so strong they can't be regulated, and a lot of the behaviors come out of just trying to feel better in the moment. And none of that has anything to do with you and does not include rational thought, it's mental illness.
So this is recent for you and I understand the need to understand the disorder. What else is up for you? How's the rest of your day going?
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #21 on:
July 08, 2015, 11:38:46 AM »
Well when you're in the zone ha!
Yeah thanks to you guys I'm starting to get my head around it and feel better about everything.
Before I found this place I was so confused how she could love me one second and hate me the next, but it's all starting to fall into place.
I really want her back and know I shouldn't. She hates me and ruined my life yet I bare no negative feelings towards her.
It's only been 2.5 months. But I don't like the fact she hates me. I'm a nice guy and was nice to her, I don't deserve this as I'm sure most people on here don't.
Logged
fromheeltoheal
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #22 on:
July 08, 2015, 11:45:13 AM »
Quote from: chill1986 on July 08, 2015, 11:38:46 AM
But I don't like the fact she hates me. I'm a nice guy and was nice to her, I don't deserve this as I'm sure most people on here don't.
Realize that 'hating' you is her best option. An alternative would be to accept responsibility for her emotions and level with you as to what's really going on with her, and she believes that if she did that you'd see the real her and leave, abandonment, the worst thing that could happen. And we know that you might not leave, in fact you'd appreciate the candor and the conversation would make you closer, but she doesn't see it that way, from inside a personality disorder.
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #23 on:
July 08, 2015, 11:48:20 AM »
So they fear the abandonment so much they push you away before they think you'll leave? Like a defence mechanism?
Logged
fromheeltoheal
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #24 on:
July 08, 2015, 12:08:32 PM »
Quote from: chill1986 on July 08, 2015, 11:48:20 AM
So they fear the abandonment so much they push you away before they think you'll leave? Like a defence mechanism?
Yes, that's one possibility. In her head you might have already left too; any change in her perception, as simple as you relaxing into the relationship for example, a change from previous intensity, may indicate to a hypersensitive borderline that you'd already checked out, and getting abandoned hurts, so take control and leave first. Another reason to push you away is fear of engulfment, fear of losing herself in you, and the closer you get the more intense that fear. These are emotions that she can't handle and neither can you, sad because what a borderline wants most she can't have, and there's nothing anyone can do about that, time to take care of you.
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #25 on:
July 08, 2015, 12:12:54 PM »
Cheers FHTH,
Botha those things happened to my ex and I. I moved in with her and then a couple of months later we had to move house.
I'm concentrating on me now, keeping busy. Currently aching from playing golf!
Logged
coldmist
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single for 5 months
Posts: 48
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #26 on:
July 08, 2015, 12:21:40 PM »
My therapist thinks my exBPDgf's behaviors were triggered or at least made worse from when she had a child at 16 and gave him up for adoption. My ex also comes from a very narcissistic family so I assume it was triggered in her childhood too.
Logged
chill1986
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #27 on:
July 08, 2015, 12:31:53 PM »
That's interesting coldmist.
Lends weight to the fact that it could have been exacerbated by traumatic events, like previously mentioned.
Logged
confounded
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 48
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #28 on:
July 08, 2015, 12:36:42 PM »
My friend might be a textbook case: her father walked out on her mom and her when she was young. She really hates him, but absolutely adores her stepfather. I've grown to suspect this is one of the reasons , if not the reason, why her husband is 20 years older than she is - she's looking for a safe father figure, someone who isn't going to leave her (for one thing, because he wouldn't probably have a second chance at a woman 20 years younger).
Logged
Tim300
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 557
Re: Source of BPD?
«
Reply #29 on:
July 08, 2015, 12:52:55 PM »
Quote from: chill1986 on July 08, 2015, 02:53:00 AM
Has anyone found the source of their ex or SOs BPD? If so did they find it difficult to talk about?
For example my BPDx had her mother die when she was 9, 20 years ago and anytime her name was mentioned she would fly off the handle. I know it's not easy dealing with something like that, but her two sisters seemed fine talking about it and have even tried to talk to her and ask why it still upsets her so much.
This is only part of what makes her this way, but you get the point?
Good question. I am in the nature camp. I think my ex's BPD is 100% genetic. Her upbringing wasn't perfect, but those imperfections, as far as I could tell, were caused solely by her mother's BPD (that is, my ex's source of BPD was genetic inheritance from her mother, whom also has BPD). Based on stories I heard about my ex's mother's grandfather, it sounds like he also might have had BPD.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
2
All
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Source of BPD?
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...