What does this suggest?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My exBPD was with me for the best part of a decade. Before we got together she had a very brief relationship (only weeks) with a lad who finished her to go back to his ex at the time.

Anyway throughout the relationship with me she was always quite close with this lad to the point where she stayed over at his a few times & lied to me about where she was. Then whenever we had one of out hundreds of fall outs she would always chat to him as a shoulder to cry on. Now as she had made me paranoid with staying at his house previously, I always worried about him & her but she used to promise me they were just mates etc.

Now my relationship ended for good with her at the end of last then at the beginning of this year surprise surprise she got with him & has been in a turbulent relationship with him since.

Now the purpose of this post was to gage your opinion on a certain conversation I had with her, last week she turned up at my house unannounced at 11pm on drugs wanting to explain her actions on something she had done that had hurt me.

Whilst she was here we talked/argued about her & him & she said this:

"Iv always been in touch with him & seen him throughout our relationship because I wanted him to know what he had missed out on"

"Iv always really liked him"

"Iv always enjoyed his company"

So does this mean she always had feelings for him & I was just a stop gap (a very long one) until they tried again or do you think this means if our relationship had have been good then they would have remained "just friends"?

I'd like to think that she actually doesn't know of mean what she is saying because she was off her head on drugs but her actions throughout our relationship would be consistent with her having feelings all way through.

It really shouldn't bother me now the why's & how's  but it very much does as She blames me for her getting with him because I always had a hang up about him after I found out she used to go to pub with him & stay over at his whilst lying to me as to where she was so she says that pushed them closer together.

Thanks if anyone can try give me some reasoning as to this because the way I feel right now is my entire relationship was played out & we had a daughter together all the while she had feelings for another man & that really hurts.

[reachingoutuk]

My exBPD was with me for the best part of a decade. Before we got together she had a very brief relationship (only weeks) with a lad who finished her to go back to his ex at the time.

Anyway throughout the relationship with me she was always quite close with this lad to the point where she stayed over at his a few times & lied to me about where she was. Then whenever we had one of out hundreds of fall outs she would always chat to him as a shoulder to cry on. Now as she had made me paranoid with staying at his house previously, I always worried about him & her but she used to promise me they were just mates etc.

Now my relationship ended for good with her at the end of last then at the beginning of this year surprise surprise she got with him & has been in a turbulent relationship with him since.

Now the purpose of this post was to gage your opinion on a certain conversation I had with her, last week she turned up at my house unannounced at 11pm on drugs wanting to explain her actions on something she had done that had hurt me.

Whilst she was here we talked/argued about her & him & she said this:

"Iv always been in touch with him & seen him throughout our relationship because I wanted him to know what he had missed out on"

"Iv always really liked him"

"Iv always enjoyed his company"

So does this mean she always had feelings for him & I was just a stop gap (a very long one) until they tried again or do you think this means if our relationship had have been good then they would have remained "just friends"?

I'd like to think that she actually doesn't know of mean what she is saying because she was off her head on drugs but her actions throughout our relationship would be consistent with her having feelings all way through.

It really shouldn't bother me now the why's & how's  but it very much does as She blames me for her getting with him because I always had a hang up about him after I found out she used to go to pub with him & stay over at his whilst lying to me as to where she was so she says that pushed them closer together.

Thanks if anyone can try give me some reasoning as to this because the way I feel right now is my entire relationship was played out & we had a daughter together all the while she had feelings for another man & that really hurts.

[enlighten me]

What you have to remember is you are dealing with a dissordered mind. You are also dealing with the emotional maturity of a child. Yes she probably did have feelings for him. PwBPD never know what they want. If theyre eating steak they probably yearn for a burger.

She is probably with him but wanting you now. They want everything which is why they are impossible to please. You cannot be the strong pushover that provides for them but lets them provide for themself while offering advice but never advisibg them. Its total contradictions that a normal mind like yours cannot understand because it doesnt make sense.

[oor_wullie]

there's so much here.

it's right that you feel bothered by this. it's natural. how could you not?

so, first off, you've been lied to. clearly. what was lies, and what was the truth... .there's no way to really now. she doesn't know either, not really. this stuff is real to her. when she told you there's nothing happening with this other guy, that was just as real and true to her as whatever nonsense she was telling the other guy (because, let's face it, she'd have to have been lying to him about you too).

there's no "reality" in this situation, there's just BPD.

was she keeping you on the go, so she could get with this guy? no - i'd say not really. the fact is that you both, and everyone else in her life, were stopgaps, because she was, and always will be, waiting for the "perfect" utopian match. the one true saviour who will fix her, and make her better. of course, that person doesn't exist.

BPD makes them cling to you, because they fear being alone, but the clinging brings out their other fear - smothering, or imprisonment. so they run. for them, the best case is to have someone who is meeting most of their needs (that was you), and then have another person they can bounce to when they feel trapped or imprisoned by you.

at some point, that flipped on her, and you became wholly imperfect, and so pretty much by default, the other guy became the "perfect" one, the true saviour.

the other thing about ex's, is that BPDs keep these people in their lives to that they'll have as many people as possible around them who "adore" them. they need to feel adored. they need someone they can talk to who'll accept all their lies, to whom they can talk trash about their current partners to. there will often be an ex who couldn't let go, and who hangs around taking any little scraps from a BPD that they can get. imagine how miserable that must be?

back to the lies. my BPD ex had a husband when i met her. she told me that they had no relationship at all, she didn't love him, didn't care about him, and was just with him now out of habit and convenience. she let me believe (tho never said it in so many words) that they didn't have a sexual relationship either.

of course, i believed her. she was so sad, so miserable, and i was so wonderful, i was the one she'd been waiting for. i allowed the affair to happen because she convinced me the other guy was nothing to her.

years later, she admitted that they had indeed been having sex the whole time. and, from various clues (the valentines cards she kept, the huge number of photos of him she had, the fact that after our affair ended she went on a dream holiday with him, then stayed with him for years), i realised that he was *way* more important to her than she'd let me believe.

so, lies upon lies. she needed us both. so she lied to us both. and yes, she also had an ex that she often went out drinking with. a guy who gave her drugs. a guy who never judged her. a guy who would have done anything for her. that poor slob had never had a stable relationship since she'd dumped him 18 years ago, was an alcoholic now, had tried to kill himself at least once. really, really messed up. did she do that to him? what promises had she made him? or implied? god knows.

well, thank god you're not that guy. you're *you*. you're *out*. don't obsess about the lies she told, because there's literally no way to know the truth. there is no truth. there's just BPD. and once that's in the mix, nothing else matters. everything is poisoned.

when she turned up stoned, she told you a bunch of stuff to try and make you care about her. in her head, it was the truth. it felt like the truth to her. but they'll say literally anything to get you to care. and when that doesn't work, and you call them on an obvious lie, they'll act so hurt and unhappy at your "judging" them, making them feel bad, and that makes *you* the bad person, and so they pass the blame back to you again. they'll do anything to pass the blame onto someone else, anyone but them. they *cannot* take personal responsibility for anything bad they've done. it's literally impossible for them.

she loved you. that was real enough to her. but it's a weird sort of love. without trust. without compassion. and without empathy. in her head it was love, but as far as you should be concerned, it's not the sort of love you should ever want to be a part of. love without truth, trust, compassion, empathy, and poisoned by selfishness, lies, and madness.

[reachingoutuk]

Thank you both for your replies.

It's as though you actually know her & what you say she has done, she did. It's good to know there are other people out there who understand & can relate to this kind of girl because when I talk to my close ones about it, they can not believe what I'm telling them & their best advice is to "forget about her & move on" which has been impossible for me this far.

Thanks again.

[apollotech]

... .she would always chat to him as a shoulder to cry on.

She is using him as a soother/enabler. If you're not careful, she'll attempting to get you into the same position. She'll keep the triangle going (yes, you are and have been triangulated with him) so she can bounce between the both of you. Take care of you in all of her chaos. Oftentimes, that entails walking away.

[reachingoutuk]

... .she would always chat to him as a shoulder to cry on.

She is using him as a soother/enabler. If you're not careful, she'll attempting to get you into the same position. She'll keep the triangle going (yes, you are and have been triangulated with him) so she can bounce between the both of you. Take care of you in all of her chaos. Oftentimes, that entails walking away.

You are 100% correct, this has already happened twice last time as recently as last week where by she had me at her house until all hours in the morning telling me about her new relationship problems & telling me things about them, then I get emotionally drawn back in just for her to tell me a couple of days later that they are both really happy together & they are taking my daughter on a foreign holiday etc.

I got fooled by this in April then at the end of June but I will never be getting drawn in to this ever again. She is blocked on all forms, my family help out with daughter related contact collection & drop off etc. I have no need to ever have any contact with her ever again & I can guarantee if she turned up at my house unannounced again like last week, I would shut the door on her. I want nothing from her ever again, she has drained me of enough energy, emotion, heartbreak, stress, tears etc. I'm done this time, I really am. She can get one of her other 'fan club boys' off of the merri go round to be her shoulder to cry on because I'm out of the equation.

[apollotech]

I'm done this time, I really am. She can get one of her other 'fan club boys' off of the merri go round to be her shoulder to cry on because I'm out of the equation.

Good for you! Two ways to defeat the triangle: move to the center and refuse to play a role or avoid the triangulator. Take care of you and your child in this!