First contact from ex in nearly 4 months

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First contact from ex in nearly 4 months.  Stomach Churning, feel dizzy, adrenaline flowing... .don't like this.

It was an email.

A bill that didn't get paid when I was with her.

The email:

I need to talk to you about the business getting sent to collections, by xxx.  Please, let me know how to contact you. Thank you.

That's it.  I feel horrible!  I didn't answer, but I am taking care of the payment.

My son recommends I write back  "taken care of, thanks."

What do you think... .I'm getting very anxious here.

[DyingLove]

First contact from ex in nearly 4 months.  Stomach Churning, feel dizzy, adrenaline flowing... .don't like this.

It was an email.

A bill that didn't get paid when I was with her.

The email:

I need to talk to you about the business getting sent to collections, by xxx.  Please, let me know how to contact you. Thank you.

That's it.  I feel horrible!  I didn't answer, but I am taking care of the payment.

My son recommends I write back  "taken care of, thanks."

What do you think... .I'm getting very anxious here.

[Skip]

It's good advice.

This is a functional communication.  It came without any attitude or emotion.

Respond in kind.

Thanks.  I'll take care of it.

Its mature.  It will be appreciated. You'll look back and be OK with it to.

[DyingLove]

It's good advice.

Thanks Skip.   I know that doing nothing is better than rushing into anything.  I'm gonna do it.  Thank you and thanks for fixing up my post, I'm a bit of a wreck at the moment.  Thank you.

[DyingLove]

It's good advice.

This is a functional communication.  It came without any attitude or emotion.

Respond in kind.

Thanks.  I'll take care of it.

Its mature.  It will be appreciated. You'll look back and be OK with it to.

Done.   "Taken care of. Thanks."  I even had my son hit send.  Feels better that I didn't hit send.  Call me a coward... .but I still feel NC. (kinda)

[Skip]

Done.   "Taken care of. Thanks."  I even had my son hit send.  Feels better that I didn't hit send.  Call me a coward... .but I still feel NC. (kinda)

You're highly attached.  Attachment leads to suffering (read the banner ---->

At four months of no contact, its really time to kick NC to the curb and think entirely about detachment.  You fell apart today over a routine communication. There is something there that is going to take mind power to beat.

Think in terms of CBT. We change ourselves to break free from our nonconstructive feelings. CBT is based on the idea that if we wait until we feel better, it will take a long time and we might adopt and make habitual various twisted forms of thinking.  CBT is about forcing ourselfs (within reason) to push out - break it down - break free from what haunts us.

Let's starts working on the mind.  

Think of NC as crutches.  OK, you are way past the six weeks and you still can't walk.  Time to look for another treatment plan.

[Infared]

Nice job Dying Love... .Great to ask for help. Great to follow-thru on good advice.   Great that you have your son there for support. That is a beautiful thing!

[rotiroti]

Dyinglove, you have an awesome son!

[DyingLove]

Thank you Everyone.  Skip, I guess I gotta get rid of those crutches.  Yes, I do feel attached to her still.  I don't want her and I do want her at the same time.  A lot of stuff, maybe I thought I was getting over it, but maybe I've just been covering it with a blanket so that I wouldn't have to face it.  I feel like I went to pieces, but I feel like with just a little change of attitude, I could have been ok.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not going to contact her at all.  But in a sense I feel that If I saw her and she was like when we first met, well, I really don't know what I'd do.  I'd have to stop and think so I didn't make an impulsive decision.  It's almost like I was catapulted back to Florida, sitting out in the sun and enjoying the weather before I start cooking dinner.

Obviously I am very verbose and descriptive about this stuff. I also feel that I could easily eliminate all this from my conciousness if the criteria on my end were promising.  I'll say it again, if I had money, I'd be out of here, I'd start traveling and enjoying some new sights.

[DyingLove]

Recieved another reply from her:  Just to find out if there are any other vendors that she needs to worry about on her credit.  I just responded with "none".

Someone replied that they bet she responds to that.  I really think it's over, but if not, I can see that she is trying to open a door here.  But I seriously doubt it.

I even hit SEND myself this time.  I'm better than her and why should I let this get me down?  It's done and I gotta move on.  But I can understand even further right now the importance of NC!

[DyingLove]

WOW!  I just looked and she DID respond again!

Instead of bits and pieces, I will wait till later in case more happens.

[JRT]

This is exactly how my recycles happened in the past... .a business purpose that she brought to my attention... .then emails... .then phone calls... .then a face to face... .then back together... .

... .I hope that you this does not set you terribly back

[DyingLove]

#1

HER:

I need to talk to you about the business getting sent to collections, by DFS.  Please, let me know how to contact you

Thank you.

ME:

Taken care of. Thanks.

#2

HER:

Should I worry about any other vendors on my credit?

ME:

none

#3

HER:

Why do I have a hard time believing that. I hope you aren't still using my information.  Otherwise, I hope all is well.

ME:

(no response to this message sent)


Yes it was all very utility. At least it seems that way.

I'm not over reacting, I've taken control, I even sent the second response all by myself (sounds funny).  I will overcome this.

I wrote this to a friend about this incident:

"I'm almost flattered. Almost excited. Definitely upset. Definitely confused.  If I had a gf, I would not even waste a breath on any of this."

And it's so true!

[rotiroti]

Nice! Great work DyingLove, and I can see why hitting the send button is huge. It's tough!

#3

HER:

Why do I have a hard time believing that. I hope you aren't still using my information.  Otherwise, I hope all is well.

What's with her attitude? Followed by I hope all is well.

[Infared]

#1

HER:

I need to talk to you about the business getting sent to collections, by DFS.  Please, let me know how to contact you

Thank you.

ME:

Taken care of. Thanks.

#2

HER:

Should I worry about any other vendors on my credit?

ME:

none

#3

HER:

Why do I have a hard time believing that. I hope you aren't still using my information.  Otherwise, I hope all is well.

ME:

(no response to this message sent)


Yes it was all very utility. At least it seems that way.

I'm not over reacting, I've taken control, I even sent the second response all by myself (sounds funny).  I will overcome this.

I wrote this to a friend about this incident:

"I'm almost flattered. Almost excited. Definitely upset. Definitely confused.  If I had a gf, I would not even waste a breath on any of this."

And it's so true!

Dying Love... .PLEASE notice that she is taking this opportunity to talk down to you.  You do not need to respond to the insinuation.  Let her sit with that. Not responding allows her to sit with her dished crap. You are taking the high road. Stay close to your son and consult him on all of your moves.  I love that you have his support! Count your blessings! You two have me smiling.  

[DyingLove]

Nice! Great work DyingLove, and I can see why hitting the send button is huge. It's tough!

#3

HER:

Why do I have a hard time believing that. I hope you aren't still using my information.  Otherwise, I hope all is well.

What's with her attitude? Followed by I hope all is well.

I have NO CLUE.  Plus I'm "in the box" and can't see clearly.

[DyingLove]

#1

HER:

I need to talk to you about the business getting sent to collections, by DFS.  Please, let me know how to contact you

Thank you.

ME:

Taken care of. Thanks.

#2

HER:

Should I worry about any other vendors on my credit?

ME:

none

#3

HER:

Why do I have a hard time believing that. I hope you aren't still using my information.  Otherwise, I hope all is well.

ME:

(no response to this message sent)


Yes it was all very utility. At least it seems that way.

I'm not over reacting, I've taken control, I even sent the second response all by myself (sounds funny).  I will overcome this.

I wrote this to a friend about this incident:

"I'm almost flattered. Almost excited. Definitely upset. Definitely confused.  If I had a gf, I would not even waste a breath on any of this."

And it's so true!

Dying Love... .PLEASE notice that she is taking this opportunity to talk down to you.  You do not need to respond to the insinuation.  Let her sit with that. Not responding allows her to sit with her dished crap. You are taking the high road. Stay close to your son and consult him on all of your moves.  I love that you have his support! Count your blessings! You two have me smiling.  

I am NOT responding.  It's dead at this point, and I'm going to just assume that I've reading too much into this.

I didn't realize that she was insinuating anything.  In the box I can't see what everyone else can.  Thank you and everyone for holding my hand today, you know I need it.  This big kid is just that.

[Invictus01]

#3

HER:

Why do I have a hard time believing that. I hope you aren't still using my information.  Otherwise, I hope all is well.

This is comical. Let me imply that you are doing something crappy... .otherwise, nice talking to you

[Infared]

#3

HER:

Why do I have a hard time believing that. I hope you aren't still using my information.  Otherwise, I hope all is well.

This is comical. Let me imply that you are doing something crappy... .otherwise, nice talking to you

Excellent translation!  (ick!)    

[Skip]

These are perfectly normal questions between ex-lovers.

And if the roles were reversed - her debt hit Dying Loves credit - how would we feel about the exchange?

We're here to center each other right? Not fan the emotional flames. That's a huge benefit of a support group.

This is just normal stuff guys.  No pathology.

DL - your obligation hit her credit.  The normal thing to do is fix it, apologize, assure that that is the end of it.

This is a normal healthy response.

It's not cool. Sorry. I'll text you when this is settled and send you proof of payment to use if you are contacted again.

Mail her a photocopy of the check and the invoice.

[DyingLove]

#3

HER:

Why do I have a hard time believing that. I hope you aren't still using my information.  Otherwise, I hope all is well.

This is comical. Let me imply that you are doing something crappy... .otherwise, nice talking to you

This is EXACTLY what makes a person PRONE to be with a person like my ex.  I did NOT read as much into this as everyone else did.  I guess I take crap that maybe I shouldn't?  But after you all bringing this to my attention, I realize what a "dig" she is throwing at me.

I'm not stupid, I realize that she is thinking that I did or might do something underhanded (which I am not and I would not) but I guess I'm not being a critical as a "normal" individual should be?

[Invictus01]

These are perfectly normal questions between ex-lovers.

And if the roles were reversed - her debt hit Dying Loves credit - how would we feel about the exchange.

DL - your obligation hit her credit.  The normal thing to do is fix it, apologize, assure that that is the end of it.

This is just normal stuff guys.  No pathology.

We're here to center each other right?

#1 and #2 are normal questions which were answered in a very normal manner. #3 is an unnecessary cheap shot which doesn't warrant a reply.

[DyingLove]

These are perfectly normal questions between ex-lovers.

And if the roles were reversed - her debt hit Dying Loves credit - how would we feel about the exchange.

DL - your obligation hit her credit.  The normal thing to do is fix it, apologize, assure that that is the end of it.

This is just normal stuff guys.  No pathology.

We're here to center each other right?

#1 and #2 are normal questions which were answered in a very normal manner. #3 is an unnecessary cheap shot which doesn't warrant a reply.

AND I'm sure her gut isn't twisted today! (or maybe it is)

[Loosestrife]

I agree with skip, keep it professional but also polite and respectful. If quite reasonable to show proof/reassurance  or a transaction... .And then move on.

Well done Dying love, so far so cool  

[Infared]

There is a lot of unfinished business in all of that - I've been there - I get it - every word.

I'm suggesting he responds with:

It's not cool. Sorry. I'll text you when this is settled and send you proof of payment to use if you are contacted again. and finds comfort for having acting with integrity and emotional maturity. First step toward a new life.

How are you suggesting he handle (or not handle) the text?

Just the way he did. He sought out support, took advice, was responsible and kept it simple.  He's moving forward.

I think did a great job. He also protected himself by keeping it super minimal... .which usually is appropriate in these situations.

[Left broken and confused]

I really feel this whole thing was about getting contact with him. If the invoice was such a big issue she could have simple advised whatever company ihow to reach him. Instead she contacted him and when she didn't get the reaction she was looking for resorted to child like behavior and figured if she insulted him in a nice way she would get attention negative or positive. It seem to me like either way she was looking to start a conversation.

[joeramabeme]

That is the background info to fit the email request on her end.  I don't see that the responses on my end were wrong. Obviously she thinks that she is entitled or "owed" something.  I beg to differ about that.  But like someone else stated, it seems that she might have tried to open a door.  The day is not over yet!

I understand your story. I understand why you feel this way. This is how the two pf you processed things in your relationship. Many us - most of us - did.

You are at a juncture - its a small test.  The road goes right and left.  Which way do you want to go?

As I said earlier.  Kick NC to the curb and start digging into what is going on with yourself.  That's how we heal it.

Here is some psychology (transactional analysis) on why this has escalated so.

Karpman observed that in conflict and drama, there is "good guy vs bad guy" thinking. He also observed that the participants become drawn in, even seduced, by the energy that the drama generates. The drama obscures the real issues. Confusion and upset escalates. Solutions are no longer the focus.

Involvement in an unhealthy drama triangle is not something another person is doing to you.  It's something you are doing with another person or persons. Karpman drama triangles involve at least two people and often three and can grow to even more if multiple linked triangles form.

Drama triangles form when participants who are predispositioned to adopt the roles of a drama triangle come together over an issue. There are motivations, often subconscious, for each participant in the triangle. The reason the triangle endures is that each participant gets some psychological needs met and they feel justified in their role - often not realizing the broader dysfunction and harm that is occurring. In short, each participant is acting upon self-satisfying but unhealthy roles, rather than acting in a genuinely responsible or altruistic manner.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Thank you Skip.  You always provide great professionally-based resources for us to review and read.

I never considered that I was getting my needs met with "the" drama. But I was, else why else would I do it.

Using this angle of understanding to address the question about the last text.  I would say the correct thing to do is the thing that does not perpetuate the situation.  There are likely a few alternatives to choose from which should be tested against DL's honest assessment of what he is looking for or possibly secretly hoping for.

[Invictus01]

We're in the drama. I don't mean that in a derogatory sense. We've all been there.  The drama is more fulfilling than dealing with this.  We can get to the point where this become standard operating procedure for dealing with things. We want to break away from it.

The thread is about handing the text (s).

What is the suggested alternate action to the last text?

If you respond, you take this back to the transaction which is supposed to be the point of this whole thing, away from where she is taking this which is baseless personal insults. You are not responsible for what she believes in or not. You are not responsible for what she thinks you did or did not do with her information. So, stone cold, emotionless - "I appreciate your concern but to the best of my knowledge this was the only missed transaction." would do. Then brace yourself since you didn't give the response you she baiting you into. I highly doubt it will be "thank you" you will receive in return.

[DyingLove]

My ex, in a sense is being a bully.  You cannot dispute that regardless of her motive.

I did what I did.  It was right for me and my situation.  I'm always open to learning more and being a "better me"!.  So every word uttered here today is important.

When we fight a bully on their own turf they have the advantage, the know the lay of the land and where to hide and where to run and where to FIND YOU when you hide.  Texting and emails and phone calls and letters that are nasty, hurtful and other unspeakable things:  -->This is the bully's/exes/BPD's turf.  They know their way around their turf better than anyone.  Anyone = US, the non's.  So, my ex wanted to fight me on her turf today.  No one is better at manipulating me and devaluing me than she is. WHY? because those things are HER TURF, and not mine. She'll win every time.  So what could I do? I can fight her on my turf. My turf is minimal talk and even silence. I know she HATES silence, she's told me during our RS.  She had the last lousy word in this whole email ordeal. I decided not to fight on her turf, she would naturally win.  I kept quiet, and answered her with the same attitude that she asked me with.  There was NO HELLO, NO PLEASE, NO THANK YOU, NO GOOD BYE. 

I was very apprehensive about the NC thing and exes contacting back.  It scared me, I didn't know exactly what to do.  So I decided to take advice and at least NOT to do anything wrong.

I am thankful for all those that supported my actions. I feel I did the right thing.

[Pretty Woman]

Four months later and she is worried about this.

I have to agree with the other posters on this. ESP with the snide comments that it's baiting.  If I hadn't lived through this I would have completely agreed with Skip however I've lived this and the ways we have ended right back up in the toxic dance have been through LC like this. 

My suggestion is now what's happened has happened and no more contact. If she contacts you again about this just do not respond.

[DyingLove]

Four months later and she is worried about this.

I have to agree with the other posters on this. ESP with the snide comments that it's baiting.  If I hadn't lived through this I would have completely agreed with Skip however I've lived this and the ways we have ended right back up in the toxic dance have been through LC like this. 

My suggestion is now what's happened has happened and no more contact. If she contacts you again about this just do not respond.

Exactly!  It's done.  I'm certainly NOT flattered like I thought I might have been.  It all almost took me right back to those last days that were nothing short of the end of the world for me.  I woke with confusion (a little) this morning, but I went out quick last night due to all the stress. Slept from about 11:30 thru til 2am.

It's done. I'm going to take it STILL as an isolated incident and not think that it will be repeated. This will help me thru my day.

She didn't bother ex's #1 or #2 when not necessary during our RS.  Most of the correspondences to ex #2 was because of the child. Understandable even though her way of doing it all was at time weird.

It's done.  I'm thankful once again for all my friends here. Without you all, I would have been so alone in this "new episode" of my BPD adventure. Now I can say that I've honestly been there. It was only one day and just simple stuff, but nonetheless.  Thank you all and wishing you a wonderful day!