6 months out and mixed feelings

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So it's been over 6 months since I have had any contact with my uBPDexgf.  As I posted before, we dated for just over a year and had a very turbulent relationship.  It ended with an huge fight over text where the nastiest things possible were said.  I haven't heard from her since early January. I am posting becuase I feel a bit stuck in my progress.

At this point I have come to realize and accept a few things:

-She was/is a seriously troubled person and will not be able to sustain a relationship with anyone (phsyically abusive, suicidal ideatios and threats of cutting)

-By the end I had zero respect for her as a person.

-Almost the entire relationship she exhibited no respect for me, and viewed me as a tool to use.

-I don't think I miss her, but I do miss some of the postive things she gave (even though they were few and far between)

-I have no desire to contact her or to start things up again.

-Unfortunately a decent sized part of me does hope to hear from her, even though I know it would be bad news.

-Despite my actions, the relationship could have never lasted.  Being more patient and compliant would have only temporarily extended the relationship and increased my torture.

-I was lucky to have escaped this relationship.

-There are many other women out there that will be much healthier to be with.

Even though I have accepted all of these things, I still feel very up and down the last few weeks. I may have even taken a few steps back.  I am hopeful that this is just temporary due to the my birthday and 4th of July being difficult milestones. 

The other thing that didn't help is that I was involved in a 6 week relationship that just came to an end.  I had really high hopes for this girl at the begining.  I quickly realized that she was a very selfish person, so I ended things.  I am actually really proud of myself for that.  One of the lessons that I took away from BPDex is that the first question I need to ask in a relationship is what can I do to make me happy... .not what can I do to make them happy and I will worry about what I want later.   

So bottom line I would give myself a C+ at this point.  I really hoped that I would be much further along by now.   I am hoping this is only a temporary setback.   

[lawman79]

So it's been over 6 months since I have had any contact with my uBPDexgf.  As I posted before, we dated for just over a year and had a very turbulent relationship.  It ended with an huge fight over text where the nastiest things possible were said.  I haven't heard from her since early January. I am posting becuase I feel a bit stuck in my progress.

At this point I have come to realize and accept a few things:

-She was/is a seriously troubled person and will not be able to sustain a relationship with anyone (phsyically abusive, suicidal ideatios and threats of cutting)

-By the end I had zero respect for her as a person.

-Almost the entire relationship she exhibited no respect for me, and viewed me as a tool to use.

-I don't think I miss her, but I do miss some of the postive things she gave (even though they were few and far between)

-I have no desire to contact her or to start things up again.

-Unfortunately a decent sized part of me does hope to hear from her, even though I know it would be bad news.

-Despite my actions, the relationship could have never lasted.  Being more patient and compliant would have only temporarily extended the relationship and increased my torture.

-I was lucky to have escaped this relationship.

-There are many other women out there that will be much healthier to be with.

Even though I have accepted all of these things, I still feel very up and down the last few weeks. I may have even taken a few steps back.  I am hopeful that this is just temporary due to the my birthday and 4th of July being difficult milestones. 

The other thing that didn't help is that I was involved in a 6 week relationship that just came to an end.  I had really high hopes for this girl at the begining.  I quickly realized that she was a very selfish person, so I ended things.  I am actually really proud of myself for that.  One of the lessons that I took away from BPDex is that the first question I need to ask in a relationship is what can I do to make me happy... .not what can I do to make them happy and I will worry about what I want later.   

So bottom line I would give myself a C+ at this point.  I really hoped that I would be much further along by now.   I am hoping this is only a temporary setback.   

[JRT]

Sorry to hear about your r/s and the end of the new one... .I am sure that stings a little bit... .I am 9 months out myself... .I wonder if you feel if you are ready to be dating... .although I am in the dating pool, I just don't feel that I am ready for another relationship.

[sas1729]

Lawman,

I think you should rate yourself an A.

I am actually in the same boat as you. Six months out! I have the exact same conclusions that you have in your list.

The fact that you ended dating after 6 weeks because your gut flashed a warning is impressive. I do not know if I would do that.

One of the exciting things I find is that we ARE in a place to date! Six months out, it is fun to date. And date casually. First dates were a way for me to realize just what a non-BPD person is like. (My ex was my first girlfriend).

What we have gone through has affected us, no doubt. I sometimes project the same doubts and fears to people who do not at all deserve such negative emotions. So despite this, I think it is best to look forward. Dating casually has been a fun way for me to find myself and re-orient in the world. And plus, you will find someone fun, loving, and caring - and who deserves you and the patience you had throughout your relationship with your BPD ex.

[rotiroti]

Agree with sas1729,

A+ for understanding that we can't change these things.

I'm confused is the 6 week r/s your BPDex or is a subsequent one afterwards?

[lawman79]

The 6 week relationship was a completely different girl... .have not heard from BPDex in 6 months... .which to be honest has been a big surprise to me and all those around me.  Given how nuts she was, no one thought she would disappear.  Then again I have no idea what is going on in her life.  Nor do I want to.

I think I am in a decent place to be dating.  I want to meet someone.  I know I want to get married someday and have children. 

I am actaully really proud of myself for ending this recent relationship. This girl was pretty, very bright and a lot of fun.  She was very high maintence and selfish... .and after what I have been through it quickly became a turn off.  There were a few instances where I was doing major things to please her and sacrificing my own happiness in the process... .she didn't seem to realize or care . So I said to myself... .this isn't for me. 

Another lesson I learned... .sometimes early on people are very honest about their faults.  She told me she had terrible communication skills and that she didn't do well in relationships.  I decided to take those at face value and exit. 

It does bother me that part of me would still like to hear from the BPDex, but I understand there is nothing that I can do about that.  I guess wanting to hear from her is my biggest complaint.

[rotiroti]

The 6 week relationship was a completely different girl... .have not heard from BPDex in 6 months... .which to be honest has been a big surprise to me and all those around me.  Given how nuts she was, no one thought she would disappear.  Then again I have no idea what is going on in her life.  Nor do I want to.

I think I am in a decent place to be dating.  I want to meet someone.  I know I want to get married someday and have children. 

I am actaully really proud of myself for ending this recent relationship. This girl was pretty, very bright and a lot of fun.  She was very high maintence and selfish... .and after what I have been through it quickly became a turn off.  There were a few instances where I was doing major things to please her and sacrificing my own happiness in the process... .she didn't seem to realize or care . So I said to myself... .this isn't for me. 

Another lesson I learned... .sometimes early on people are very honest about their faults.  She told me she had terrible communication skills and that she didn't do well in relationships.  I decided to take those at face value and exit. 

It does bother me that part of me would still like to hear from the BPDex, but I understand there is nothing that I can do about that.  I guess wanting to hear from her is my biggest complaint.

Ah i understand now, I still stick with my A+ rating for you. You applied what you learned in this new r/s, that's fantastic!

As for missing communication I can't say because I'm guilty of being in the same boat. In my case I went n/c and sort of burned bridges so no surprise in not hearing from her. How did yours end?

[Loosestrife]

The 6 week relationship was a completely different girl... .have not heard from BPDex in 6 months... .which to be honest has been a big surprise to me and all those around me.  Given how nuts she was, no one thought she would disappear.  Then again I have no idea what is going on in her life.  Nor do I want to.

I think I am in a decent place to be dating.  I want to meet someone.  I know I want to get married someday and have children. 

I am actaully really proud of myself for ending this recent relationship. This girl was pretty, very bright and a lot of fun.  She was very high maintence and selfish... .and after what I have been through it quickly became a turn off.  There were a few instances where I was doing major things to please her and sacrificing my own happiness in the process... .she didn't seem to realize or care . So I said to myself... .this isn't for me. 

Another lesson I learned... .sometimes early on people are very honest about their faults.  She told me she had terrible communication skills and that she didn't do well in relationships.  I decided to take those at face value and exit. 

It does bother me that part of me would still like to hear from the BPDex, but I understand there is nothing that I can do about that.  I guess wanting to hear from her is my biggest complaint.

Hi Lawman, it sounds like you are noticing and acting on red flags quickly which is amazing. Perhaps it will take time and someone wonderful to finally push the thoughts of your ex out of your head. Well done and thank you, I have taken great inspiration from this thread 

[lawman79]

I want to thank everyone for their kind words and support.

My relationship with the BPDex ended in a pretty horrific manner. I spent the entire weekend after NYE running errands for her and helping her.  As usually she was pretty ungrateful and emotionally abusive as I helped her.  I finally had enough and told her I was going home.  At that point she grabbed my dog (who was a puppy back then) shoved her in her house and blocked the door and told me I couldn't have her back.  I had to shove past her to get my dog back and I ran out the back door.  She took the bag of grocieries I bought her and started throwing items from at my car, screaming about how I bought the wrong stuff.  I sped off.  For the next hour she texted me nasty stuff which I ignored.

Her toilet then broke at her house and she begged me to come back and fix it.  I told her that after the way she treated me I would not be returning.  She then began to txt the nastiest stuff I have ever heard in my entire life.  I did something I am not proud, after taking her abuse for over a year I finally lost my temper.  I texted back equally nasty stuff and I think she was pretty shocked.  I have to admitt at the time it felt really good.  The next day she texted me "Thank you for helping me this weekend.  That was nice.  What happened after was not so nice. I can not continue to be around someone so abusive and disrespectful"... .yeah after a year plus of her abusive... .she gets it back one time and she is the victim.  I texted her back "OK" and I never heard from her again.  Not sure if not hearing from her should be a surprise or not.  We did break up like 10 times over the 14 months we were together. 

[rotiroti]

I want to thank everyone for their kind words and support.

My relationship with the BPDex ended in a pretty horrific manner. I spent the entire weekend after NYE running errands for her and helping her.  As usually she was pretty ungrateful and emotionally abusive as I helped her.  I finally had enough and told her I was going home.  At that point she grabbed my dog (who was a puppy back then) shoved her in her house and blocked the door and told me I couldn't have her back.  I had to shove past her to get my dog back and I ran out the back door.  She took the bag of grocieries I bought her and started throwing items from at my car, screaming about how I bought the wrong stuff.  I sped off.  For the next hour she texted me nasty stuff which I ignored.

Her toilet then broke at her house and she begged me to come back and fix it.  I told her that after the way she treated me I would not be returning.  She then began to txt the nastiest stuff I have ever heard in my entire life.  I did something I am not proud, after taking her abuse for over a year I finally lost my temper.  I texted back equally nasty stuff and I think she was pretty shocked.  I have to admitt at the time it felt really good.  The next day she texted me "Thank you for helping me this weekend.  That was nice.  What happened after was not so nice. I can not continue to be around someone so abusive and disrespectful"... .yeah after a year plus of her abusive... .she gets it back one time and she is the victim.  I texted her back "OK" and I never heard from her again.  Not sure if not hearing from her should be a surprise or not.  We did break up like 10 times over the 14 months we were together. 

yikes... i'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm so glad you got your puppy back!

Scary that someone could use a pet like that, imagine if you shared a kid with her?

As for the victim thing, know that wasn't personal and it's one of the main traits of a pwBPD. Your story is similar to mine as in we both drove away. We're both working on ourselves, and sharing our stories... .which would inevitably help someone else along their healing path.

[lawman79]

I am glad i got the dog back as well.  The dog is a yellow lab, and she is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  I actually drove 14 hours round trip to a breeder to pick the dog out with my BPD ex. She loved that dog, and immediately told me when I got her that if things didn't work out between us she would be happy to take the dog (should have been a huge red flag).  She had a 11 year old chocolate lab that she adopted with an ex boyfriend and kept after the relationship ended.  Notice a pattern ?

As her behavior got worse last december she actually started to say nasty things about my puppy, which was so bizzare.  She started to call her worthless and good for nothing (not really sure what a puppy is supposed to be good except companionship).  One night she texted (and I saved this for legal reasons) that she was going to kidnap my dog, feed her a mixtaure of broken glass and rat poison and give me back her dead body in a garbage bag.  How scary is that.  This is someone who works with special needs kids for a living too. 

My closest friends were terrified that she would do something to harm me or do something that left me with no choice but to harm her.  I am very thankful that I got out of this unharmed.  Part of the reason that I am so critical of myself and my feelings is that but now I should despise and be gld that I am done with her.  I shouldn't want to hear from her.