Would your r/s have been different if you had knowledge of BPD?

[joeramabeme]

I have been asking or even telling myself this lately.  After a 10 year marriage I feel like If I had known about this even 5 years ago I would have handled everything differently.

I was no angel in all of this.  My reactions were often just stored up responses from what I could not resolve of what was going on in the marriage.  I wonder if I had known, would the end I am in not be the end?

Or is this denial?

[FannyB]

Hi joeramabeme - I think this is a question we've all asked ourselves.

I might have prolonged the relationship by being more aware of potential triggers - but I'm convinced that I couldn't have prevented the inevitable. The only difference would have been that I would have been much more guarded emotionally and not bought into the 'happy ever after' scenario she so convincingly sold to me. 

Fanny

[rotiroti]

I think I would have been able to keep it together longer, but with the same devastating results.

Learning to set boundaries and approaching with compassion... .it would have stilled drained me, albeit much slowly.


edit: looks like FannyB beat me to the punch!

[DyingLove]

YES!  Definitely different.  Would I have gotten into the relationship in the first place,,,can't really say. Depends.  But had I known about BPD, I'd possibly have a fighting chance at making it work or at least knowing and understanding what could or will happen.  Plus if the lady told me about it, then she was upfront too and that means a world of difference right there!

I wish I could even go back and "apply" the knowledge at this point, and it would definitely make getting over it easier too I'm sure.  It wouldn't make me love anyone less or think any less/more of them than I initially felt, but it would at least give me the "rules" that the game is played by.

[LonelyChild]

I have been asking or even telling myself this lately.  After a 10 year marriage I feel like If I had known about this even 5 years ago I would have handled everything differently.

I was no angel in all of this.  My reactions were often just stored up responses from what I could not resolve of what was going on in the marriage.  I wonder if I had known, would the end I am in not be the end?

Or is this denial?

I was with my uBPDxgf for 2-3 years. I knew about BPD since my dad is one. I knew she was BPD from about 6 months in. I read tons of books on how to communicate etc. It made no difference, because we could never RESOLVE anything. If you do not RESOLVE problems, you accumulate them instead. And then everything explodes. And you drift apart, and she comes back crying and begs you to take her back because she has changed. And then problems start accumulating again because you never actually resolve anything. So no, it doesn't really make a difference.

Solving problems is absolutely essential for any kind of relationship, romantic or not. You need to be able to speak and listen to each others point of views. pwBPD are unable to do this. I would sit down with my uBPDxgf and go "hey, I need to talk to you about this" and within 3 minutes (yes, literally 3 minutes, I timed it many times) she was crying hysterically, accusing me of all sorts of different things, while I was sitting there absolutely 100% calm, asking her to please stay in the conversation and just talk. "I'm not accusing you of anything, I'm not angry or upset, I still love you dearly, I'm not leaving you or abandoning you because of what I want to talk to you about, I just want to understand it better and reason about it with you, and understand how you view it". This made her upset to the point of wanting to kill herself. I am not exaggerating. There was NO WAY WHATSOEVER to sit down and resolve things.

[greenmonkey]

I put 100% into the relationship, treated her like a princess, tried to give her a stable environment - she wanted for nothing. I went into living together as a long term plan - she unfortunately as she put it was not on the same page, treated me like scum, lied and cheated for our entire relationship of three years.

Would it been any different knowing what I know now -I still would have done the same thing. I have the patience of a saint, gave so many chances, and opportunities for her to better herself, get some help etc - and whatever I did was never good enough.

The outcome would have been the same but probably the ongoing pain and hurt she inflicted me would have been extended for longer as I would have extended everything thinking well she has BPD traits/symptoms so lets try and communicate better etc etc.

End result my patience would have run out and I would have started looking after me ultimately

[SummerStorm]

It's hard to say.  I may have tried to be friends with her, but I would have never entered into a sexual relationship with her.  And after she canceled plans with me the first time, I would have said, "See ya." 

[apollotech]

I will just add one more qualifier onto your question: If I would have known about BPD and known that she was afflicted with it, would it have made a difference? Yes, I would not have entered into a romantic relationship with her. We were friends until intimacy entered the picture. Now we have nothing. It was a terrible trade.

[findingmyselfagain]

This kept me stuck for a long time. I think she knew something was up with her, but she didn't share it with me. Intimacy is the trigger, so I don't think it would have ended well even if I had known. Maybe we would have been happy for a few years, gone to counseling, maybe things would have seemed to go well, and then who knows what kind of trigger it would take to destroy the relationship? Things seemed to be going well until 2 days after our wedding shower, when she started texting and later "hung out with" a male coworker for the first time in our r/s. I didn't see it coming. I know now that it would take something like a miracle for us to have a stable r/s.

If I had known I would have moved a lot slower and pushed for counseling. It's 50/50 whether or not she would have bought into it during the honeymoon phase when I could do no wrong. I wish I hadn't spent so long wondering, but instead moved on a lot faster. What can you do though? We weren't in normal relationships, and played a role as well as the BPD did. It was a good wake-up call, but I wouldn't do the dance again.

[Skip]

Would your r/s have been different if you had knowledge of BPD?

There are several components to this:

+ knowing the skills and being proficient (1)

+ realistic expectations and OK with it (2)

+ partner is of good character (3)

+ partner is functional and is trying (4)

+ relatively stress free environment (5)

+ how much damage has been done (6)

1. I often read the comment, "I did everything for her".  I think I said it too.  When I read further, this often includes rescuing and codependent behaviors. This is not going to work.  You have to a very high EQ for this type relationship.

2. A lot of us attached to the relationship that formed in the honeymoon period. That is not who the person is.  They are the troubled, impulsive person we saw latter?  You have to be satisfied with that to stay in - not hoping for a change.

3. Stealing, infidelity, addiction, SI, chronic unemployment - these are insurmountable problems in their own right - if this is at play, I don't see how anything helps.

4. There has to be problem solving skills, as LonelyChild says. A relationship can't be one-sided. If it is, I don't see how anything helps.

5. BPD doesn't do well in high stress environments.

6. Is the damage irreparable. There is a point where there is no turning back.

There are 18 million with BPD in the US alone, far more if you include traits, and other impulse disorders and there are certainly lower risk and higher risk candidates in that pool. There are working relationships out there.

I think the assessment to stay in is "how much damage has been done" asking yourself how risky are both parties and how risky the environment is for this type of relationship.

[Invictus01]

If I knew what BPD was and that she was BPD... .I wouldn't be on this forum, there wouldn't be a need for it. I hate to say it, but I do my best to steer clear of people who might cause issues in my life whether it is friendships or relationships. Earlier last year, I found out that a bunch of guys I used to hang out with were coke heads. In fact, they held my opinion in such a high regard, they put a whole lot of effort in hiding it from. None of those guys were on my friend list within 2-3 months. I've had some completely dysfunctional women all over me that I didn't want anything to do with because I knew on one level or another they were off. This would be no different. I just didn't know anything about anything... .

[coldmist]

If I had known at the time that my exgf was BPD, I likely would have stupidly pursued the relationship in an attempt to "rescue" her which of course wouldn't have worked. The relationship would have gotten farther though because I would have avoided the triggers and reacted differently to her. In the end though, that would have been so much worse.

It took everything that happened and me being discarded for me to learn that I have issues with boundaries and being a fixer. I have learned a ton about myself post break up. I wouldn't have had the knowledge about myself at that time that I do now.

[Gonzalo]

What exactly do you mean by 'knowledge' here? If I just knew about it in a clinical sense, like I read some articles or books, it wouldn't have kept me from the relationship. I would have dismissed her symptoms as being 'not as bad as that' (she didn't self-harm or directly threaten me until very late) just like I did when I first read about BPD. I would have tried to help her and used the fact that there is A Disorder to excuse her bad behavior 'just this one time', and would have still gotten sucked into push-pull quite a bit. I might have ended things earlier, but I wouldn't have avoided the relationship.

OTOH, if you mean the more visceral knowledge I have now of how someone can really have a skewed perception of reality, of how much damage a disordered person can do to you, and of how you're not being a bad person for 'abandoning' someone you love who won't fix a problem, then I wouldn't have gotten involved deeply. I still would have been OK with the first few months, but when the weird accusations ('you're controlling' for telling her I'm fine with whatever works for her) and dramatic gestures (driving to her house instead of mine because I gave one sentence of directions in case we got separated) started, things would have been over.

EDIT: There's no way I could have made the relationship work, as she doesn't think she has any major issue and would blame problems on me, so nothing I could do would lead to a functional relationship.

[DyingLove]

If I knew what BPD was and that she was BPD... .I wouldn't be on this forum, there wouldn't be a need for it. I hate to say it, but I do my best to steer clear of people who might cause issues in my life whether it is friendships or relationships. Earlier last year, I found out that a bunch of guys I used to hang out with were coke heads. In fact, they held my opinion in such a high regard, they put a whole lot of effort in hiding it from. None of those guys were on my friend list within 2-3 months. I've had some completely dysfunctional women all over me that I didn't want anything to do with because I knew on one level or another they were off. This would be no different. I just didn't know anything about anything... .

Yep.  I just commented in my post in a similar way Invictus01.  For 55 years I knew nothing, and wasn't missing anything either!  The discovery of BPD aprox 4 years ago was at first very much like discovering a new land!  An explorer making a discovering.  Now I wish I never set sail!  LOL

[WhereToBegin]

I don't think so. 

I spent 5 years invested in the relationship, and I knew about BPD about a year in.  Admittedly, things would be "seemingly normal" for long periods of time, and I questioned whether he was "high functioning" (whatever that is) and I would slip on some of the tools I was trying to utilize, like validating his feelings, etc.  It was exhausting to always put someone else's needs first, and especially towards this last b/u, I certainly did things like occasionally put my needs first and challenge him on some of his thinking.  Do I think it led to the b/u - no - I think it was inevitable.