Completely hurt

[sharlock]

I haven't posted here in a long time.  My best friend has BPD. I've known him for 4 years and we've been very close to each other for three years.  We went from being casual friends to having feelings for one another to being platonic best friends.  We are both married and would never leave our spouses. I decided after we had feelings for one another that we couldn't be friends anymore.  Do you know he's fought me for over 2 years on this! I have told him over and over again that I can't just be his friend. Well, I've contradicted my own statement by continuing to be his friend and participating in friendship activities. My heartaches because this isn't fair to me. It's gotten to the point that I find him cruel for expecting me to stay.  Just a couple of weeks ago I said it's over and he gave me a blank stare and quietly said "no", and he proceeded to say "you'll be fine in a couple of days".  I started to cry in frustration and he just walked away like all was ok. I'm so hurt because he won't let me go but he won't "love me."  This is a nightmare. I've been stuck for so long and the relationship has prevented me from getting the love I desire in healthy relationships with other people, especially my spouse.  A part of me is deeply afraid to go NC. What if he flips out and ruins my marriage?  What if I'm making the biggest mistake by letting "feelings" get in the way of a possible friendship? This is just insanity.  I can't talk to anyone about him because I'm ashamed. I need out and thinking can I do this?  Feeling extremely confused and hurt. I've been wrestling this for too long. Please don't judge me.  I'm looking for support not cruel words. 

[satahal]

No judgement.

My pwBPD won't leave when I've broken up with him. He won't stop being abusive. He won't respect my boundaries. Most people go away when they're dumped. It sounds like you essentially dumped your friend because you had romantic feelings that couldn't go anywhere. It sounds like a really sensible decision. What's the point of torturing yourself by having contact when you're married? Logical. Smart. Mature.

The BPD of course can't accept this because he's being abandoned. And you're caught up in fear that he will tell your husband, guilt and shame. This isn't a possible friendship for you. A friend wouldn't emotionally blackmail you into spending time with him. He would accept your wish to end it. He's not a friend. He's a selfish person with a disorder.

I don't know if he will tell your husband but that's the ultimate leverage he has. Perhaps you can think through how that might play out and how you could handle it. Perhaps there are some preemptive measures you can take? Tell your husband first?  Perhaps a lie that would protect your friend's fragile ego or would scare him off - that you have to take care of a sick relative or take a second job…He sounds a little dangerous - I'd be careful how you extricate yourself but you absolutely should. It seems like this will ultimately make you crazy or sick or both - being blackmailed into a "friendship".

[sharlock]

Thank you Samanthal.  I've decided to leave and told him that in a text last night since face to face conversations are more difficult with him.  He did respond to my text and just said he was tired and needed sleep.  Typical!  He'll probably bombard me with texts today saying I'm "zoning" and that he loves me and I shouldn't throw out the baby with the bath water.  Blah, blah, blah. 

The best thing I can do is to completely ignore him.  Which is the plan.  You're right he is black mailing me into trying to stay with him, and that is not friendship.  He may try to ruin my relationships with other people but I suppose that's my fault. I'm willing to work through the pain.  I'll be on these boards for support.  Thank you all.

[satahal]

welcome - yes, I agree ignore, ignore, ignore. Hopefully he gets bored trying very soon.