Severe disregulation and no end in site.

[Cole]

BPD wife was disregulated for over 6 hours last night. She was very angry and raging over absolutely anything that came to mind. Calmed down for a little while, said she wished she knew how to better control her anger and showed me some family pictures she had found. 10 minutes later she was back at it. She drug out a suitcase and said she was leaving. Then she came back into my bedroom to rage for another half hour, decided not to leave, but that she would be gone when I get home from work today. (She makes this threat all the time. Sometimes she leaves "for good" and is back an hour later like nothing happened.) I went in and held her for a while in the middle of the night not knowing what her reaction would be, but she was happy to let me.

She says she loves me and wants our marriage to work and that she wants a divorce. Says she is moving back to her home town (out of state) next week and planning things for us to do this fall. She screams at me with absolute anger then 20 minutes later hugs me and acts like nothing happened. She wants to repair the relationship she destroyed with my family and never wants to see them again. All this in the last 48 hours.

She needs more help then her T can give her. Having trouble getting her to go to the hospital, may have to just put her in the truck and take her.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat21]

Oh boy. I don't have anything in the way of advice, but just to say how sorry I am for you. That is exhausting, Cole.

 

[formflier]

Cole,

That sounds exhausting... .   

How much of the 6 hour thing... .did you hear?  How much were you able to walk away from?

FF

[Bpdwifelife]

That sounds really awful. I can relate to that behavior. I've had days like those with my uBPDh. He's locked me out of the house before in my nightie in one of these rages and I had to run to a neighbors house in the middle of the night. He turns against his friends and family like that too. He called his sister on her bday at 2am screaming at her voice mail about what a b she is and never wanted to see her again. She ignored it waited a month before talking to him and now they are back in regular contact. Before I knew about BPD I admittedly made things worse trying to talk to him like a normal person or fight with him. Now I don't do that I just disengage let him calm down and then talk to him when he's in the "right" mood. It's hard and so painful. It affects everything in your life. I know you must be feeling hurt and confused and angry. Why do we stay and how do we stay sane during these times? I am going to post about that later today. This place helps. I just started posting here but have been reading the articles and experiences for a few months and I'm getting healthier myself through this journey. My main point is I don't know what the story will be whether I leave or stay. It's a day by day thing but I do know, strangely, that I like myself a lot more today than I have ever - I guess I've always had pretty good self esteem or a strong constitution but I'm tapping into wells of depth and spiritual reserves That I didn't know I had and practicing patience and empathy and compassionate mindfulness that I understood well before but was never tested with in this way so I feel a paradigm shift internally that has made me a stronger and gentler person through living with and loving my ill spouse.  Don't lose heart and love yourself and you will find your way.

[Cole]

How much of the 6 hour thing... .did you hear?  How much were you able to walk away from?

FF

The whole thing. I was the lightening rod. She was yelling at the kids when I got home and I knew if I did not take it she would continue on them. She has been doing the same duplicity on them; one minute they are ungrateful brats, then next minute they are wonderful. 

Called her at lunch to check on her. Now she does not plan on leaving today, but wants to go to home town to look for a job tomorrow and then come right back. Also said she knows what she is: a mean vindictive person. She is really down on herself and I cannot pull her out of it.

Said she was surprised I came in and held her last night. I told her since she moved out of the master bedroom 2 years ago and refuses to come back, I never know if she will just push me away if I come to her room. She said, "Look what happens if you are willing to take a chance."

OK... .what does that mean? Does she want me to chase after her? I chased after her a little last week and we were intimate for the first time in a year, though she was embarrassed over it afterwards.

Maybe some of the ladies on this board can shed some light from the female point of view, certainly would appreciate your thoughts!   

 

[Cole]

Yesterday when I got home (she had said she would be packed and gone) she was upset and crying. I held her for a while and calmed her down. Then I worked out and went for a short 2 mile run. By the time I got back she was in a great mood and we stayed up until 3am this morning talking, laughing and doing other such things married couples do.  

This morning she was flirting, laughing, and in the best mood I have seen her in in a year. She said, "I love you." for the first time in I do not know how long. l do not know why the sudden change.        

[Bpdwifelife]

That sounds good. It seems as if she too wants the connection that you want. Unfortunately, the onus is on you to create that as the more emotionally healthy one. I struggle with that because it's not fair - an inequitable burden - but she may really need some understanding that she feels she doesn't have and doesn't understand you have needs too. BPDs suffer from self-absorbent among other things. If you work on really understanding her - not just her illness - but where her deep wounds are - and all of us have them - I think things will get a lot better for you. In your case from what I'm reading, I think the David Deida principles and "The Way of The Superior Man" will really help you reach her as a woman, as a person, illness aside. Then you can use that knowledge - through the BPD lens - to give her what she needs and you may get some of the goodies you need to. I do this with my h and just last week he have me an awesome 2 hour massage. I get lots of love and affection from him in between episodes. Sometimes he says I use "Jedi mind tricks"... .Lol maybe I do. Whatever works. I have no control over him having an episode but I have control over myself when they occur and I can stop them from escalating to a really bad place with tools I've learned here and elsewhere like from David Deida. I'll be looking for your updates. You might just be on your way to something good here. Don't lose heart.