Did you take on their traits?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After years of being surrounded by people with BPD I have come to question whether I myself have BPD or whether I have gained these traits as learned behaviours and defence mechanisms against pwBPD and others (unfortunately) too.

Do you see any traits in yourself and if so, which ones?

I see the following in myself:

-Anxiety Issues

-Expect others to mind-read

-Addiction Issues

-I can have somewhat irrational jealousy when in a relationship

- I tend to re-engage my exes & recycle

-I've had people tell me they don't know what I want from them

-In a previous thread I see the discussion of "knowing thoughts" or "finishing sentences" i'm definitely guilty of this.

-I tend to think that I know what is going on at all times and nothing will get by me. (In my experience though I do tend to be right on my gut feelings and instincts) but I think this could be part of building evidence against people, or conversely, "Analyze and accuse"

- I go through bouts of depression and feeling numb (I usually feel numb but do have moments of excitement and happiness too)

-I am quick tempered and can be irrationally angry at times (which I work really hard on being self-aware about. Controlling anger has been a lot better in the last few years)

-I've been told by family that I make them "walk on eggshells" (this is never easy to hear)

-I suppose if i've been surrounding myself with pwBPD these could be my circle of 'neurotic friendships'

Maybe it would have been easier for me to do the traits I don't have :S

I do have a lot of Empathy for others and animals especially! This is the biggest differentiator for me.

For reference i'm using these two articles for traits:

[repititionqueen]

After years of being surrounded by people with BPD I have come to question whether I myself have BPD or whether I have gained these traits as learned behaviours and defence mechanisms against pwBPD and others (unfortunately) too.

Do you see any traits in yourself and if so, which ones?

I see the following in myself:

-Anxiety Issues

-Expect others to mind-read

-Addiction Issues

-I can have somewhat irrational jealousy when in a relationship

- I tend to re-engage my exes & recycle

-I've had people tell me they don't know what I want from them

-In a previous thread I see the discussion of "knowing thoughts" or "finishing sentences" i'm definitely guilty of this.

-I tend to think that I know what is going on at all times and nothing will get by me. (In my experience though I do tend to be right on my gut feelings and instincts) but I think this could be part of building evidence against people, or conversely, "Analyze and accuse"

- I go through bouts of depression and feeling numb (I usually feel numb but do have moments of excitement and happiness too)

-I am quick tempered and can be irrationally angry at times (which I work really hard on being self-aware about. Controlling anger has been a lot better in the last few years)

-I've been told by family that I make them "walk on eggshells" (this is never easy to hear)

-I suppose if i've been surrounding myself with pwBPD these could be my circle of 'neurotic friendships'

Maybe it would have been easier for me to do the traits I don't have :S

I do have a lot of Empathy for others and animals especially! This is the biggest differentiator for me.

For reference i'm using these two articles for traits:

[Bassoutcast]

Some things I "learned" from her (most were after the breakup):

-The ability to shut people out without second thought, no regard to our level of closeness, I can just throw everything away.

-Self-mutilation in order to ease my pain (I suffer from a mood disorder called Cyclothymia, basically a "mellower" but more chronic version of Bipolar Disorder)

-Specific trigger warnings (though knowing my triggers helps my friends fight them off when I'm getting a depressive episode)


Things I've had BEFORE I met her:

-Love bombing

-Anger issues

-Self-worth issues

And a lot more I can't think of ATM.

[going places]

Did I take on his traits, like his ways?

Lord, I hope not!

When I became pregnant with my first child, I decided that the way *I* was raised was not going to be the way she was raised. I made an enormous effort to do things different... .

I personally do not believe "well it was good enough for me and I turned out ok".

No

I wanted things to be healthy, happy, make amazing childhood memories, I wanted the kids to NEVER question if they were loved, cared for, appreciated, wanted, needed, etc.

Small example: My kids were raised to call adults "Mr. and Mrs.____" or "Ma'am and Sir". Respect.

My ex fought me tooth and nail, said that was old fashioned, ridiculious, and he wasn't raised that way and "he's fine"... .

And I stuck to my guns.

The ex would then accuse me of being a 'control freak' or any other derogitory term he could think of.

Then he would tell me a story where HE was allowed to be disrespectful (mouth off to an adult, etc... .)and how his parents just didn't care because they were too involved with their own hobbies and interests... .

I would tell him "this is why you and I have to do things different, to help raise our kids to be better people in society.We have to learn from the mistakes of the past, and do better... .That's what parents do; parent!"

He was jealous that I invested in our kids, but his parents didn't invest in him (they favored the older son).

That's part of his resentment towards me was caused by; because I invested in the kids... .that's screwed up.

I did the opposite of what my ex did... .and since hind sight IS 20/20... .I can clearly see now, he's always been sketchy. I just didn't see it because I was busy raising great kids. ((which they are. solid stable, pretty dang amazing young people ))

SO I did not pick up his traits, I did the exact opposite of what he is because he is a bad, bad, dude.

I find that I am VERY reactionary... .that is something I am working on.

I find that certain things (being accused of doing something when not only did I NOT do it, but quite the opposite, I tried to do the right thing... .yet I am accused of the wrong) IMMEDIATELY push my defense button. I am working diligently to NOT react this way.

I did not take on his traits, but because of his abuse, I have some things that I am working on removing.

The Lord, protected me. For that, I am ever grateful.

[UserName69]

Finding replacement. I did find this strange I can find a replacement quickly but thats only if I know for sure that the rs ended and can't be restored. Over is over and that means its time for an another partner. I don't feel the need of getting someone back if I know she's gone forever.

3 weeks after the final BU I dated an another girl I had met once my exBPD broke up with me for a long period. I think I did this because I gave up on my exBPD. At some point my exBPD started to act very childish, I thanked her for dumping me over and over because of that I met this other girl.

I can't see why I should feel guilty. I gave my exBPD a lot and at the end she was the one who ruined the entire rs. She had me and she drove me away. What else should I have done? Should I become depressed my entire life just because of her?

[Gonzalo]

There was a lot of stuff I 'caught' from her that I've either gotten over now or am working on getting over. I would shout and yell in arguments, which really isn't like me.

I would immediately go on the defensive and offensive when an argument started - since I was so used to being attacked.

I stopped caring about 'triggers' because there were so many of them.

I started very aggressively setting boundaries for what I would and wouldn't do, and jumping right to 'dig a trench and wait for the attack' mode instead of discussing.

I started setting verbal 'traps' in conversation, to catch her in her contradictions.

I started doing 'tests', where I'd float an idea of something that was supposedly OK about to see if she'd rage about it.

I gained a hair trigger on responding to certain comments, because I had been attacked with the logic behind them before.