Is There a Link? NonBPD w/Depression & Anxiety Dating pwBPD

[WhatJustHappened?]

I guess first off, I have dealt with depression and anxiety most of my adult life. What a bummer. But looking back on the few, significant romantic relationships I have had, they have been with pwBPD or other personality disorders.

I have to ask myself if there's a correlation between NONs who suffer from Depression/Anxiety somehow being attracted to pwBPD. I think in some ways, having depression and anxiety could possible allow one's guard to be dropped long enough to be seduced into an unhealthy relationship.

I can't speak for others but I know that my depression/anxiety issues can often times lead me to believe that I am not worthy of healthy relationships. When combined with the overwhelming amount of attention that pwBPD can provide, especially in the beginning of a relationship, my guard can definitely drop. Almost like a "Venus fly trap" scenario.

Thoughts?

[Panda39]

I guess first off, I have dealt with depression and anxiety most of my adult life. What a bummer. But looking back on the few, significant romantic relationships I have had, they have been with pwBPD or other personality disorders.

I have to ask myself if there's a correlation between NONs who suffer from Depression/Anxiety somehow being attracted to pwBPD. I think in some ways, having depression and anxiety could possible allow one's guard to be dropped long enough to be seduced into an unhealthy relationship.

I can't speak for others but I know that my depression/anxiety issues can often times lead me to believe that I am not worthy of healthy relationships. When combined with the overwhelming amount of attention that pwBPD can provide, especially in the beginning of a relationship, my guard can definitely drop. Almost like a "Venus fly trap" scenario.

Thoughts?

Hi WhatJustHappened?

I wanted to say that I think you are making an insightful connection here.   

My 22 year old son has "Social Anxiety" and a history of depression.  He grew up in an alcoholic (dad)/Co-dependent (me) household that unfortunately and not surprisingly did damage. He is very anti alcohol (rejects his father's model) so the leaves the co-dependent model that I demonstrated (which is worrisome). He has not ever had a girlfriend yet and I know desperately would like one (who doesn't want companionship).

I don't know if it's a case of Depression/Anxiety but more of a case of what is under the Depression/Anxiety... .low self-esteem and our upbringing (maybe other things). My son has low self esteem reinforced in his mind because he hasn't had a girlfriend yet... .he thinks he isn't good enough.  He also hasn't consistently had a good role model so when he gets in a relationship he might not make the best decisions. 

I have actually talked to him about this, that he might be vulnerable to an unhealthy partner because of his insecurities.  He just shuts me down with "I'm never going to have a girlfriend mom."  He says that but I know he's listening so I hope I have a least created an awareness.  I don't want to see him make a bad choice because a bad choice is better than no girlfriend.  I want him to find someone that loves the great guy that he is.

I want that for you too.  What do you think you can do to change the pattern you are in?  How do you find and believe what a great person you are? Why do you think you are unworthy?  Where do you think that belief is coming from?

I think you are on the right track looking inward because as you know we can only change ourselves and once we do that, like a ripple effect that changes everything else.

I will be following this thread with interest.

Panda39

[WhatJustHappened?]

Panda39-

Those are tough questions. I can think of two elements. The first, I don't know if it's the effect of depression/anxiety clouding one's own personal beliefs or just having those issues which causes the lack of confidence and self-worth. The second, for me, I feel that I have walked a very different path than my peers, family and friends who many have done well on both the personal and professional front. My career has gone "OK", not great, was divorced, decided to not have kids (I don't consider than bad but just different), haven't stuck in any one place or industry too long. I think you get the picture. By the way, I am feeling the second element quite a bit right now in my late 40s.

So regardless if it's the cloud depression/anxiety effect or the feeling of being different or both, I think it has allowed me to rush into previous relationships without nearly enough scrutiny. Red flags were ignored while the foot was on the accelerator. Boy, this is some very personal & heavy stuff for me.

On the bright side, I think age and maturity has done quite a bit to change my thinking. With age, doesn't come many good things but perhaps wisdom and life experience. Finally learning about BPD and other PDs has also helped me to understand a lot more about how BPD relationships come to be, the dynamics of it and the red flags to watch for.

I still need to figure out how I can deal with all of this better. That will need some thought.

[FannyB]

Hi WJH - good question

I don't suffer from depression per se, but like most people have had depressive episodes at certain stages in my life. I was feeling pretty low when I met my uBPDexgf. It was actually these feelings that delayed me asking her out, as I was short on confidence. When I finally got around to dating her, I think that coming out of a depressive phase made me particularly receptive to love-bombing - it was almost like an anti-depression drug for me! 

In general though, I think that somebody with depression would find pwBPD particularly attractive. They certainly provide excitement and stimulus - a form of self-medication if you like. It's probably similar to the reasons why pwBPD bounce into new relationships so quickly as the 'loved up phase' sort of puts a sticking plaster on an emotional wound i.e. replacing one set of emotions with another.


Fanny

[WhatJustHappened?]

Hi WJH - good question

I don't suffer from depression per se, but like most people have had depressive episodes at certain stages in my life. I was feeling pretty low when I met my uBPDexgf. It was actually these feelings that delayed me asking her out, as I was short on confidence. When I finally got around to dating her, I think that coming out of a depressive phase made me particularly receptive to love-bombing - it was almost like an anti-depression drug for me!  

In general though, I think that somebody with depression would find pwBPD particularly attractive. They certainly provide excitement and stimulus - a form of self-medication if you like. It's probably similar to the reasons why pwBPD bounce into new relationships so quickly as the 'loved up phase' sort of puts a sticking plaster on an emotional wound i.e. replacing one set of emotions with another.


Fanny

Yep, definitely like a drug. I think also loneliness can play a role into it too. I know when I met my exBPDgf, I was lonely. That definitely lowered my standards where I blew off the red flags and inconsistencies.

On a side note, being that I trusted my exBPDgf (we were together when younger), I clued her into my mental health issues. Never a good idea when dealing with a BPD as they were preyed upon.

[FannyB]

On a side note, being that I trusted my exBPDgf (we were together when younger), I clued her into my mental health issues. Never a good idea when dealing with a BPD as they were preyed upon.

They don't like us to have issues. Our role is as their 'rock'. It was in no small part down to this realisation that I knew I couldn't hang in there long term. How can you guarantee you won't need your partner to be there for you some time in the future? 

[disorderedsociety]

How can you guarantee you won't need your partner to be there for you some time in the future?  

Assuming I'm understanding this question and its not rhetorical, you should eventually, ideally feel comfortable with needing someone. Not because you love them because you need them but because you need them because you love them.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have to ask myself if there's a correlation between NONs who suffer from Depression/Anxiety somehow being attracted to pwBPD. I think in some ways, having depression and anxiety could possible allow one's guard to be dropped long enough to be seduced into an unhealthy relationship.

I can't speak for others but I know that my depression/anxiety issues can often times lead me to believe that I am not worthy of healthy relationships.

I can't speak for others but I know that my depression/anxiety issues can often times lead me to believe that I am not worthy of healthy relationships.

Yep, good awareness What.  I can relate totally to what you and Panda's son are dealing with, I still deal with it myself.  If we don't think we're 'good enough' to have an awesome relationship that we deserve, it makes most women unavailable to us and we come from a place of scarcity, willing to start a relationship with anyone who gives us the time of day.  So a borderline, someone who is focused on attachments, is going to come on strong, mine certainly did, come on in what seems in hindsight at a creepy pace with a forced, false intimacy, way too early, but if we're coming from a place of scarcity, loneliness and susceptibility, we're going to bite.  And then the way a borderline attaches, which they're extremely good at because it's survival based, gets its hooks in deep quickly, and off to the races we go into fantasy land and then into hell.  One of the most important things to focus on coming out of these relationships is to remember that most women aren't like that, because if we don't it can make our situation worse moving forward.

Another piece is to realize when we say we've got Depression and Anxiety, they become a 'thing', part of our identity.  If we take it down a notch, which is probably closer to the truth, what we actually do is get depressed sometimes and anxious sometimes, given the situation, those are emotional states that pass, and really, we're happy, calm and centered sometimes too.  The key is to take those emotional states into other situations, for practice, repetition is the mother of skill.  I like to look at it as create a center and a centered place, in my home for example, a comfort zone, sit there in it, and then intentionally take that state out into the world, outside my comfort zone, and doing that repeatedly makes our comfort zone expand.

And the key to scarcity is to address it with abundance.  There are more women in the world than there are men, abundance right out of the gate, so the key is to date a lot.  It's amazing how many women will say yes when we ask them out on a date, and even getting rejected a lot helps too because it matters less the more it happens.  And then we can start noticing how we show up has major influence on someone's attraction to us; depressed, anxious, needy and living in scarcity is unattractive, confident and centered is attractive, and faking it is obvious, so once we do the work and expand that comfort zone we end up confident and centered in more situations.  And then we can pursue the woman of our dreams and not have to settle for a disordered fantasy.  Sign me up!