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Daniell85
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« Reply #30 on: July 15, 2015, 11:01:46 AM » |
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About 18 months ago, he reacted on a social level with some of his friends. As a result, he lost about 10 of them who he had hung out with a lot.
At that point, he was very low, and he said to me that he had been doing things he knew he shouldn't, and not doing things he knew he should, and he deserved the repercussions of what he had done. Another time, when I tried to tell him about how it effected me (the affair), and pointed out to him that he hadn't even said he was sorry, he told me "we both know what I did wasn't smart. Stop living in the past."
That did not really feel like an apology to me. Later when I tried to talk about it again, he told me that he had already apologized, so why was I going around with all of the "blame"? Just to tell him he is bad?
I don't know details. He is extremely defensive, and has in fact blamed me for what he did. That I had already ruined our relationship, so he had the affair. Not to retaliate, but to try and start another relationship where he was accepted, even though he does some pretty hurtful things.
He found out later he was not being accepted. She just kept her upset to herself.
When we picked up again last August after a 4 month ST from him, his first words were, "Oh, I don't know if you have changed." Clearly blaming me. It stung, but I let it pass, because I figured later, I could shift the dynamic to a more equal one.
I was able to do that. I think we made a lot of progress until the latest ST. He was making an obvious effort to support me. I could see it.
He sent me that song. "I bet my life on you". And told me that is how he feels about things. Essentially the song is the beautiful apology I had always needed.
So I went with that and we had some really good weeks, then back to a work day with that girl, lunch out. He had tried to hide it from me, and I caught him out on it. She posted some pics on facebook, and I asked him about it. Well, he lied. In the most ridiculous and stupid way. He acted so shady it creeped me out, like I had caught him having sex with her or something.
I said to him, just tell me the truth about these things, even if I hate what you are doing, at least I know you are honest with me. Nope, he said, he was not going to tell me and walk into "your sh**storm".
That was pretty upsetting. Tried to negotiate on him giving me the truth, and he hung up on me and disappeared for about a week.
At that point, I began triggering a ton more, jumping at everything about him that looked odd. As I know he is maybe BPD now, odd is the norm it seems
He doesn't want to own the affair. He has justifications for it. At the same time, I think he is deeply ashamed and my panic attacks and anxiety are triggering off a lot of bad feelings about himself that he doesn't want to live with. I have seen him in a lot of deep depression over that, his family, the situation at work.
The very first thing he said to me when I called him was he had done the ST and blocking because he is so tired of being told he is "bad". Any whiff of upset from me, asking questions, anxiety, panic attacks, and he feels he is being told he is "bad".
Also after he block me in my face and gave me ST, I totally lost it on him. I really did. I told him he was a monster, cussed a blue streak, told him I would never forgive him and every time I saw him on Skype for 3 days, I lost it at him again. I was totally gutted and enraged that after 9 months of making progress of some sort, he just tossed me away AGAIN, like his own stupid self entitlement was so vast that he was UNWILLING to reach beyond it.
I had him tagged as a psychopath and was about to ditch him forever, the ran across BPD information. A lot of things clicked into place for me then.
His stated intention at this point is to stay apart until he thinks I have healed and gotten over what he did. He figures then I won't be having anxiety, triggering, panicking and he will not have to hear he is "bad".
I just see it as a deflection of responsibility on his part.
At this point, I feel kind of in a stalemate. I feel like I will never get so completely over what he has done that I won't ever react in the future to something scary. I think I can mostly not flip out on him, but there is always that big nasty surprise that triggers something so quickly, I may react.
Feel kind of hopeless So essentially as far as he is concerned, right now, I have dropped off of the face of the planet.
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