I should have listened

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Everyone says maintain NC. Did I listen? Well for a week. Pathetic. I got a bit wound up because our daughter was hurt by what appeared to be games my partner was playing. I thought maybe it was just a misunderstanding. Of course fixing being my superpower... .I had to swoop in to save the day. You would think I'd learn. I broke the relatively new NC agreement. In the middle of the discussion my partner disappeared. Radio silence. Of course being addicted, I had a sip and now want more. I believe some day it will stop hurting... .but not today.

[lostjak]

Everyone says maintain NC. Did I listen? Well for a week. Pathetic. I got a bit wound up because our daughter was hurt by what appeared to be games my partner was playing. I thought maybe it was just a misunderstanding. Of course fixing being my superpower... .I had to swoop in to save the day. You would think I'd learn. I broke the relatively new NC agreement. In the middle of the discussion my partner disappeared. Radio silence. Of course being addicted, I had a sip and now want more. I believe some day it will stop hurting... .but not today.

[once removed]

hey lostjak 

sorry to hear youre feeling down after reaching out  .

you mention you share a daughter? its important to note that NC is one tool for some people in some situations, not a rule. do you think LC might better apply to your situation? relieve some pressure?

you say your daughter was hurt by what appeared to be games and you swooped in. can you elaborate on that a bit?

[UserName69]

Don't get upset. You did everything you could do. Don't feel bad on this one. I broke nc once too. I saw her and I couldn't believe it was her, she looked so messed up, was in a bad shape, looked very unattractive. I decided to text her later, she replied the next day but didn't anwser the question. Before I knew it we were fighting. She nuked me with the f bomb, I told her thanks for reminding me why I hate you.

Don't feel bad for breaking NC, it just happened and I believe it's normal. You did it for your daughter and I think every father would do the same.

[lostjak]

you mention you share a daughter? its important to note that NC is one tool for some people in some situations, not a rule. do you think LC might better apply to your situation? relieve some pressure?

you say your daughter was hurt by what appeared to be games and you swooped in. can you elaborate on that a bit?

The NC was her idea. I was probably on the recycle path. I just needed some air after 16 years. She knows I hate it when she just disappears or stops talking, so she probably did it on purpose.

Our daughter (my bio) felt like she had responded to a request to meet my partner. But then my partner disappeared on her.  The daughter is 20 so it's has a lot of understanding but it still hurts her.

[once removed]

okay, i understand now. that makes sense.

its understandable that both you and your daughter would feel stung by the sudden silence.

can you clarify something for me: "Our daughter (my bio) felt like she had responded to a request to meet my partner."

when you say partner, do you mean the ex? the daughter the two of you share? do i have that right?

[lostjak]

okay, i understand now. that makes sense.

its understandable that both you and your daughter would feel stung by the sudden silence.

can you clarify something for me: "Our daughter (my bio) felt like she had responded to a request to meet my partner."

when you say partner, do you mean the ex? the daughter the two of you share? do i have that right?

I haven't quite gotten to the point I can say ex yet. Sorry, but yes, I left and am now dead to my partner.

We raised the daughter together, yes.

[once removed]

hey, thats okay lostjak, we can call her whatever you wish

am i correct in assuming the daughters relationship with her mother is rough, in addition to this recent incident?

[lostjak]

Rough? Yes. If I'm honest it was a main force that made me leave. There were lots of things through the years, we always managed. I trusted my partner even though I knew she lied to everyone. I thought we had a special relationship. Last year, when things got to a place I couldn't justify away, it started to go deteriorate. I think I might have told my story already so I'll keep it brief. I knew my partner was in a bad place. I knew I was not reaching her. I did not know she had accused me and reported me for unspeakable sexual horrors. Daughter always knew her other mother had issues but not much more. Her world caved in when a workmate of ny partner knocked on the door to confront me. None of it was true. I was caught so unaware you could have knocked me over with a feather. Daughter found out that night just how mentally ill her other mother is. Daughter was angry and hurt and acted out. Other mother couldn't understand why and responded with anger. I was always placing myself between them. We went to couples counselling I began to understand I had just been trying to get through days. I brought up the damage and hurt partner was inflicting on daughter. (Daughter wasn't really in a place she could just move out) It seemed like the more I tried to work on it, the worse it got! I had kept my eye out for the year incase a flat came up I could afford and liked. One did just at that time of despair that things weren't changing. I took it and left. That was a month ago. We've tried to make plans to meet as a unit, partner doesn't show. I've tried as a partner, partner disappears- no show. Now partner seems to be trying to see daughter, but again it's very dysfunctional. Daughter doesn't want to be hurt by a no show. I understand I am in a healthier place now and I am working on myself. But we uprooted from another country, left everything and everyone behind to join partner here 3 years ago and have now been abandoned. It wasn't that I never wanted to see partner again, I guess I wanted to heal a bit, for my partner to work on self a bit and see where we were. I never expected this isolation. And I never expected to miss life as I knew it. Lol

[once removed]

goodness. the sexual accusations sounds like a major betrayal of your trust, and its understandable that you and your daughter were shocked.

i understand the isolation. as you may know, many members here are in a similar situation, having moved across the country (or out of it) and then being isolated from friends and family. its awful. its really good that you and your daughter have each other.

so where do you both go from here? it sounds like distance from your partner, for you and your daughter, might be in order for now. what do you think? what does your daughter think?