Robbed of Joy

[Mustbeabetterway]

I have been reading posts here, but it's been awhile since I have posted.  I have been practicing "not making things worse" from lessons and books I have been studying.  By not JADEing and refusing to be drawn into pointless arguments, I have seen more and more evidence of BPD in my spouse.  When I was actively participating in the fruitless arguments in our rs, I was unable to see the true dynamics.  In short, Iwas trying to make sense of nonsense.  

I am able to see that he is frequently  in emotional turmoil.  That it is not my fault or something I can fix.  But, I am more adept at keeping situations from escalating to a dangerous level.

He refuses to go to counseling.  I am working with a therapist.  


This brings me to a decision point.  If the person I am married to, whom I should be able to trust with my thoughts and feelings, instead twists my words, discounts my feelings... .Is this a rs I want to continue?

Specifically, when he rages, he calls me names.  This usually comes out of the blue.  I have Convinced him what a terrible word c*#* is and I think he realizes that it is totally unacceptable, he has taken to calling me a b#*ch.  he claims he doesn't understand why it upsets me.  They say it on tv after all.  

I am so sad.

Anyone dealing with verbal abuse specifically?  Thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Anyone dealing with verbal abuse specifically?  Thoughts?

Yes... .I am still dealing with it.  It is much better... .and I suspect will never be "fixed".  I have learned to protect myself from it... .and instead of "helping" my wife deal with it... .I make sure the gets to "keep" whatever it is that is making her uncomfortable.

In other words... .I'm a husband... not a therapist.  I can't force her to go to counseling but I get to decide what role I play.

So... .the key is to recognize when it is heading towards name calling... .and hopefully steer it in a different direction.  Stay even and centered... and when names get called... .walk away... .make sure he gets nothing from it... .no complaint... .no accusation... .walk away.

Let him return to baseline... .and carry on with life.

Hopefully you won't have to do this forever... .that is not the point of this tactic... .the point is to change the dynamics... .to take back power... .and get your ears away from what he does.

Thoughts so far?

More later

 

Name calling is tough... .part of the solution is to toughen you up... .it wasn't fun for me to "toughen up"... .but it has helped... .a lot.

FF

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks, FF.  glad things are going better for you.  I follow your posts often, I know you have come a long way.  Appreciate the hugs!

Yes, I have been married 35 years.  Over the years, I did toughen up quite a bit, to the point where I was right in there slinging mud back at him.  But, it made me very unhappy, because my actions (words) didn't line up with my beliefs.

I know we can't wear our feelings on our sleeves, but some things are just not acceptable and I choose, as you say, to walk away and just not stay and listen.  

In toughening up, I think I lost some of my essence.  I am not willing to be numb to this abuse.

On the other hand, walking away or removing myself for a time seems to help him return to baseline.  

Thanks for your advice and reply.  

[maxsterling]

I know how you feel.  My wife can say all kinds of nasty names, and think it no big deal.  Heck these are the things we learned not to do in Kindergarten.

FF is correct - the best you can do is not give him any satisfaction in calling you names.  He wants to get you riled up.  He wants you to fight back.  Yes, the names hurt, but you can't change his behavior.  Only he can.  About all you can do is tell him you feel hurt.  And, of course, he will defend and carry on, and that's when you disengage.

I agree, the bigger question about the type of relationship you want is big.  I know I don't want a relationship where my wife constantly criticizes and calls me names, but that is what I have right now.  My choice is to walk away, or turn the other cheek (for now). 

Just remember, you didn't cause this, and you can't fix him.  The reality is that no amount of applying the lessons will get him to change his behavior.  The lessons are to protect you from being as damaged by his bad behavior.  I'm sorry you are dealing with this. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks, Maxsterling.  It is helpful to speak with others who are trying to choose the right path for themselves.  I appreciate your input and supportive advice.  Hoping for better days for us all!