Lost and confused...

[Herodias]

My husband and I had a couple of wonderful nights together last week. He is not happy in his new r/s... .he said it will not last. She is pushing him into moving in with her and wants marriage and a child.They had a big fight over it. Gee, 3 months in and already fighting... .Neither of them are divorced mind you. He told me he is getting a vasectomy next week and not telling her! She should have stayed with her husband seeing all that she wants out of life, he had it all to offer! He just couldn't pay her enough attention apparently. She is 27 and not very smart. My husband I can tell wants to get back together with me, but I told him I see he needs more time to work on himself.He misses our lifestyle. She is not at all the type of person he wants to end up with. I don't understand how he can continue to be with her except he likes her friends. I wish he would just tell her it's over and I am going back to my wife, but who knows... .maybe he is afraid of me as well. I do want the chance to work on my marriage with the tools I have learned on how to talk to a BPD. Am I crazy myself?  I just am in love with my husband and I know he loves me. What am I to expect... .I know it won't be easy. But it has to better than before. Hopefully he will be done with her soon. She is handling him all wrong and giving in to his every demand and excepting blame for it all as well. It has to be ridiculous to him! He actually laughs at her, which I actually felt sorry for her for the first time. He says he calls her my name and talks about me in his sleep. (he is a big sleep talker).She needs to learn a lesson as well, you don't screw around with someone else husband!  Why is he not just leaving her? I am trying to be patient and asking God for a miracle. I know it all has to be the right timing. I do not want him back until he makes some changes and I am hoping he will have a learning experience from her. I am a tough person when it comes to this affair (we are separated, so he sees it as ok- I am not thrilled, but know it's just about sex and him needing not to be alone.) I want him to realize this was not worth possibly losing his marriage over... .

[Mutt]

Hi Herodias,

I'm sorry to hear that

My husband I can tell wants to get back together with me, but I told him I see he needs more time to work on himself.He misses our lifestyle.

I can see how this would be difficult to cope with having to heart the choice that your H made and the real possibility of losing his wife and marriage over this.

There a three people and that makes a triangle. Have you had a chance to take a look at our article on triangulation? It sounds like he wants rescue and his gf with BPD is persecutor.

Your H is telling you that there is conflict with his gf and he may be subconsciously shifting that tension and it can help to cope.

I think what helps is to move to the center of the triangle because it has parts of all corners of the triangle with persecutor, rescuer, victim.

How do you feel about moving to the center?

KNOW GOOD VS BAD TRIANGULATION

Are you experiencing a lot of conflict in your relationship with very little resolution? Most likely you are stuck in what Steven Karpman M.D. calls a drama triangle (or Karpman Triangle).

Simply put, when someone finds themself in conflict with another person they will reach out to a third person. The resulting triangle (e.g., three-person exchange) is more comfortable as the tension is shifted around three people instead of just two.

Triangulation is widely recognized as a stabilizing factor in a family, at work, among social groups, etc. We all engage in triangulation because triangles help us cope when we are struggling with another person.

We all do this. Triangles often help us cope when we are struggling with another person. Triangulation can be a very stabilizing factor in a family. However, "bad triangulation" (i.e., pathological triangulation) can cause more turmoil in a relationship, polarizing communications and causing conflict to escalate.

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/08.htm



Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

[Herodias]

Thank you... .I guess I feel I am in the middle. Having run off women in the past for him, I am making him do this on his own. Letting him know that he has more work to do is also a position in my mind.  I just wonder how honest he is being that he doesn't want to be with her... .I kinda believe him though, since she really isn't his "class" of person to be with. I think it's hard for him to hurt someones feelings... .maybe, I laugh as I say that, but he never wanted to end it with me- he made me do it. She is taking allot of abuse it sounds like. When she finds out he doesn't want marriage and kids with her, maybe she'll smarten up. All he has to say is that he is going back to his wife though! This makes sense to me as to why he may have had an affair in the past though, when tensions were high at home. I had a counselor tell me about this once, (the drama triangle)but I never fully understood it. I am doing the right thing to let him choose me though, correct? I don't think I need to chase him, because he needs to decide fully on his own that he wants to be with me and doesn't ever want to be involved with her again. I feel that unless it is fully over, I risk them sneaking around behind my back again... .does that make sense?

[Mutt]

He may think that you're going to run her off for him. The behavior has been reinforced, and I'm not coming from a place of judgement and I do think that not being in the middle is a good idea. It sounds like he may be a person that's conflict avoidant with having you end things? I think that if you remain in the position of rescuer it will likely take longer to resolve this.

You know him better than anyone here and if he's being honest. What does your intuition tell you? Another way would be to look at his actions... .

Triangulation can be like a pressure release valve to release tension and stress, sometimes a partner may work longer hours and be avoidant or a couple will have a child and the attention is focused on the baby. It may help to explore that in couples counselling and the proposition would be more attractive if you both went into counselling, he may balk at the idea if it's squarely on him. I think that getting to the root issues and working on them, that way both partners win.

I am making assumptions, what have you discussed about therapy with your H? What boundaries have you set in the past with a monogamous relationship?