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isilme
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« on: July 12, 2015, 01:55:48 PM » |
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Last nights rage from an inability to fix up our backyard Ina week with a a patio, lights, and an awning built due to time and money, and my apparent failure to have read his mind enough to just have done it already is now in the silent rage stage. Sometime he gets silent when he is ashamed of his outbursts, and I can work around that. Silence built around continuing rage, in a tiny house, with no where to go, when I feel sick, tired, and terrible, is very hard. I a, pretty much hiding in the bedroom while he dominates the living room right now. I'm don't know how things escalated to be so bad so quickly. I thought we'd broken this cycle pretty well, to a rage only every few months, where the causes were obvious. This past month, it's been increasing to now a rage every two weeks.
I am the focus of it all, by proxy for past hurt from his parents, his siblings, and anything ever negative com friends. As I said, I am fighting some cold or ivories, and can't take off to take a break easily, and the anxiety I feel upcon coming home to this makes it all worse.
He hates life right now, tells me he can't work, wants to stay home all day, and pretty much resents me when I tell him that would hurt us financially. He thinks I just want him for his paycheck. I am and have always been the main bread winner. I have been working full time for fifteen years. He stared eight years ago. I understand he is facing depression. I have issues with depression myself. No one can have my background and not have it.
I just want sleep, but feel guilty trying, have no where to go, and need to get a lot done today just for my own well being : dishes,,laundry, finish the tall weeds out back. Meh does his own laundry and cooks some, but I do all the rest. And get yelled at last nigh t for not doing enough, or doing too much without his permission.
I am trying to give him space, but wish he wasn't such a shut in these days where I could have the house to myself and get things done, like sleep or chores on my own at times. His anxiety and depression are worse on Sunday's, and today is going to suck. And I am having a hard time regulating myself, or taking care of myself. I could fall asleep right now, but then I'd be setting myself up for being yelled at for being .azy and sleeping all the time. I have sleep maintenance insomnia. I fall asleep but wake up all night long, so each hour I'm in bed, I get 45 min sleep at best. I grew up in a tumultuous house, and think that wired my brain to wake up at a moments notice. So cranky FI does not help that.
Lack of sleep and stress seem to also be causing a great difficulty losing weight, and he has decided lately when raging that that's a good topics to tell me I a, letting myself go, not to feel secure because he proposed, he could still put me out in the street without our pets if he wanted, etc. I was on anti ds for a little over a year, before the loss of insurance at one point led me to wean myself off them. But I'd put on 40lbs, and they are stubborn and no matter exercise, won't budge unless I drop caloric intake to unde 1000 cal a day. Which doesn't help when I'm tired and fuzzy headed from lack of sleep. I need help taking better care of myself, but I am not getting it because he can barely manage himself. And I am sad to type that.
I felt good over about the last five years of how we'd been doing. This stuff was rare,mane came up very few times a year. And didn't linger. But since spring, he's been worse and worse, and I know the idea oF the wedding trip (which he gets excited about now and then too. This was his idea, to have a non JP wedding, and a real vacation at the same time) is a factor, like he's waffling forever about it. His feelings are his all. And lately mine seem to matter little. I have been trying to stock up on vacation leave so that by next spring I've got enough to go. He has for the past several years, used up every hour of sick and vacation leave. Again the depression he won't seek treatment for is a big factor. He's even stopped taking st johns wort, the only thing he's ever been willing to try.
Sorry for rambling, got no one else to reach out to about this. I am in mix up upside down world, where everything he's ever perceived wrong I e done is just like yesterday, and I don't respect or listen to him. And nothing I have ever done to help him counts or is dismissed. 19 years of this, why is it getting worse? We were doing better. And I am hiding my typing on here because he'd assume I am "crying to my little friends" or the like. Let me see what I can do without making my fever worse.
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