My pwBPD doesn't mean it when she breaks up

[Loosestrife]

I'm stuck as I know my pwBPD doesn't mean it when she breaks up with me and will go back on it when her emotional  storm has passed. Any advice?

[chill1986]

I'm stuck as I know my pwBPD doesn't mean it when she breaks up with me and will go back on it when her emotional  storm has passed. Any advice?

If you really think that then it's just a matter of time and being patient?

[apollotech]

I'm stuck as I know my pwBPD doesn't mean it when she breaks up with me and will go back on it when her emotional  storm has passed. Any advice?

Hi loose,

You recognize her cycle, so what are you stuck on/with?

[Invictus01]

I'm stuck as I know my pwBPD doesn't mean it when she breaks up with me and will go back on it when her emotional  storm has passed. Any advice?

Could it be that she doesn't mean it because she knows that she can easily go back and you will still be there? What if the next time she "didn't mean it", she tried to go back on it and you said "sorry, this time around, it will not fly"?

[LimboFL]

No matter how much you love her, can you live like that? The emotional roller coaster and what does she do when she has broken up with you? Do she go to someone else? Are you in communication when you are apart? Do you know what she is doing when you are apart?

I believe that I could have recently got a recycle going with my ex, but I couldn't do it, no matter how deeply I love her. I can't forgive and I won't be treated like that. I am not a convenience.

[Loosestrife]

I'm stuck as I know my pwBPD doesn't mean it when she breaks up with me and will go back on it when her emotional  storm has passed. Any advice?

Could it be that she doesn't mean it because she knows that she can easily go back and you will still be there? What if the next time she "didn't mean it", she tried to go back on it and you said "sorry, this time around, it will not fly"?

Thanks... .

I've tried saying this but it doesn't seem to work as I'm too weak

[Loosestrife]

No matter how much you love her, can you live like that? The emotional roller coaster and what does she do when she has broken up with you? Do she go to someone else? Are you in communication when you are apart? Do you know what she is doing when you are apart?

I believe that I could have recently got a recycle going with my ex, but I couldn't do it, no matter how deeply I love her. I can't forgive and I won't be treated like that. I am not a convenience.

Thanks, I feel exactly like you have described. Going a bit insane too!

I have posted on the staying board to get some advice on handling now I have recognised ten pattern. It doesn't make it any easier. We don't live together but see each other regularly. When she blows up she usually comes round after a few days. She seems to function quite well in the mean time!

[LimboFL]

Loose, my ex left a voicemail last week, after 5 months of silence, that I asked for. She said "I love you". I had to send an email expressing how much I loved and missed her but that I couldn't cope with any communication with her. It took me a very long time to get where I am and even a voice mail (that I read not listened to) threw me off in a very big way. I thought I was done and then I spent two days crying.

In short, trust me when I say the things I say, that in no way do I ask those questions, for your to ponder lightly. I have never been through such excruciating pain, even when I got a divorced from a woman I have son with and spent 20 years. My heart aches now. But fortunately the brain knows what is needed for me to keep healing, it knows what is right and no matter how much I miss my ex, no matter how much I love her, putting aside the inevitability of another eventual crash, I simply can't go back to the daily worry, mistrust, walking on eggshells. I just can't.

Trust me, I completely understand where you are and how much it hurts. I am in the camp that believes that they do love us, they do want us, but that they have no impulse control and that their brains simply don't know how to cope with the kind of closeness that we expect and want. It's horrible for all concerned.

I miss her and want so badly to not only know how she is doing but to swoop in and be the white knight, not because I see the do gooder feeling that comes from that but because I hate seeing someone I love in pain or suffering. It is why I stayed as long as I did. If she reached out to me and said "I love you" then she misses me but it is also likely that she has no one else to turn to anymore.

The only benefit of the last "communication" is that I got to tell her how much I loved her and miss her but that I need to heal. So it was asking for NC void of anger and defensiveness. I never thought I would ever get there but it gave me closure that I needed, but also made it feel like saying goodbye all over again, to a woman who I still love and spent 4 years living with.

Good luck, my friend. We are here for you. Stay strong and as everyone always says, no matter painful you have to do what is best for you, to protect you and staying in a relationship where you the person who you love and want a future with is constantly be ripped away. No matter how much we know in our minds about BPD, when a real person is doing this to you, it is very hard to deal with the emotions that result from disappearing acts etc. 

[myself]

She means it, at the time. She feels to get away.

But she's also out of control as she's doing it.

She also means it when she wants to come back.

It's part of the same, but a different kind of out of control.

Your own actions are the most important here, to you.

What do you feel? What do you need? What needs changing?

How long do you ride this ride? Where do you see it going?

How much of this depends on her, and how much on you?

Focusing on your strengths, how do they aid you with your best options?

[Low C]

I realized this very same fact about my ex too.  The thing is, though, she didn't have the absolute conviction that she wanted to break up with, she was triggered by maintaining the relationship.  Which doesn't make me a bad person, or a bad partner... .she would have been triggered by anyone.  But triggered she was, and I couldn't fathom being in a relationship where I was the source of pain to my partner.  It finally occurred to me that, rather than being noble by standing by her, I was hurting her.  I wasn't going to be part of that. 

[ponco]

I can relate to what you are saying. I personally am unable to filter out her bad moments and just shrug it off, when she's on her storm the things that come out of her mouth are very hurtful even though she never insults me.

[Dutched]

Loosestrife, I have seen your posts and advises given on the staying board

Some very good questions are asked to ask yourself too. Please address them and take time for self reflection.

Certainly you are not weak, despite what you think!

As I understand you’re not living together, that matters a lot.

It is part of the projection in which she can afford to throw her garbage on your doorstep!

Seems you are close enough and a stable rock for her.

Indeed as you mentioned, after doing so she is back to her baseline… until as Invictus01 writes, she knows you will be there the next time.

Experienced similar during that 30+yrs r/s, so kids, house and share property involved.

Exw threatening in her earlier storms, ‘then we must find another solution’.

Never could answer my question ‘what is another solution?’. 

The next stage was discovered, ‘I can’t stand this not any longer, meaning I lost myself completely.

Later as the really uncontrollable emotional outbursts began, the threat became ‘I stop, then it is over with us!

First time, I was devastated.

Second time I replied, ‘So you stop? Then YOU are the one that leave!’. Exw was totally overwhelmed.

Later I replied the same, then I received the ‘excuse’ that I understood her wrong… despite she said to break, she never wants to break up…

Exw’s ultimate victory was attained by saying ‘I will temporarily leave for my rest as I can’t bear it any longer’.

Using the BPD translator, temporarily = divorce. 

Guess what I am saying is that you can accept being the garbage pile when ever she needs one, or try to set some boundaries.

Consequences might be a final break up (which is hard and painful in any case).

However as others replied can you live like that?

[Loosestrife]

Thanks for the replies. I am seriously giving some thought about whether or not I am able to be a caretaker and if I really want to spend the rest of my life not having my own relationship needs met. Heavy Stuff!

[Loosestrife]

I realized this very same fact about my ex too.  The thing is, though, she didn't have the absolute conviction that she wanted to break up with, she was triggered by maintaining the relationship.  Which doesn't make me a bad person, or a bad partner... .she would have been triggered by anyone.  But triggered she was, and I couldn't fathom being in a relationship where I was the source of pain to my partner.  It finally occurred to me that, rather than being noble by standing by her, I was hurting her.  I wasn't going to be part of that. 

I can relate to this Lowc.

[sas1729]

Hey loose,

It took me a long time (was with my ex for 2.5 years) to finally stand up for myself when this type of behaviour happened. I used to agonize every time we fought and she sent me away. It was like being dismissed. The truth is that I actually felt it was serious and real, although the pattern clearly showed otherwise. Of course in a matter of a day or maybe a few at most we would be talking and make up, but each cycle hurt. Eventually I got to a point where I was so upset that it forced me to truly look at my situation.

I loved her, as much as I understood what love means. But I realized that you have to love and protect yourself in order to love someone else. If you don't care about your own self-worth then what can you do for someone else? As much as I cared for her, I had to protect myself. I finally ended the relationship, but it was very difficult to do so.

My advice can be summarized with three choices. In a situation like this, you can 1) laugh 2) go crazy 3) leave. The data shows that she will accept you again. But why put yourself through this kind of pain?

[Loosestrife]

Hi Sas

Thanks for your post. I realised option 1 didn't work, option 2 was already happening, so all that was left was option 3. 

Now need to keep my resolve :'(

L

[zundertowz]

My ex would do this... .she would test me to see how much B.S. I would take... .I guess to her it was to prove how much I loved her.  The last year it became a routine of drama... .the last time she kicked me out I never came back and when I was finally able to get my stuff is when she totally flipped out... .it doesn't really matter what shes thinking or means is this the way you wanna live?

[Loosestrife]

My ex would do this... .she would test me to see how much B.S. I would take... .I guess to her it was to prove how much I loved her.  The last year it became a routine of drama... .the last time she kicked me out I never came back and when I was finally able to get my stuff is when she totally flipped out... .it doesn't really matter what shes thinking or means is this the way you wanna live?

Thanks all. I have read back through all of the advice given to me and that I have offered to others and it came down to this :

I do not want to live like this.

It is not noble to stay with someone if it is adding to their suffering.

I need to heal and regain a healthy perspective on life and strive for happiness in myself.