Oh wow. Light bulb moment.
I've wondered what pwBPD say in their forums, so I searched this one:
www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic164213.html and it turns out they know they treat us non's badly, they can't always control it, but some forum posters say they (subconsciously?) treat us badly to see how much crap we will tolerate, then hate us for being weak and putting up with it. Wow. Oh wow wow wow, I am speechless
Pretty well sums it up. They cant control their own behaviors, they know they do wrong, that is why they have defensiveness and self loathing. They want us to fix them, so when we crumble we are not giving them much hope and hence loose respect for us. The test us to see if we are willing to try hard enough.
They will use meek partners as meek partners become enablers, but find it hard to respects them. A bit like a junkie uses their supplier but hates them for letting them be that way. It all becomes the enablers/suppliers fault.