Mother and Sister likely have BPD

[healinggirl]

I grew up with a single mom who was diagnosed with severe depression.  I had a very difficult relationship with her.  I tried to go to therapy when I was in high school but my mom was against it when she found out I was talking about her.  I went to therapy again in college.  More recently I went to therapy when I was engaged because my mom and my sister tried to sabotage my wedding, and again after my mother passed away because my sister was being incredibly difficult (long story short, I had to go to court in order to bury my mom).

A few years ago I was talking to a friend about my sister and my difficult relationship with her.  My friend is a psychologist and mentioned BPD.  I started reading about BPD and it sounded just like my sister (substance abuse, risky behavior, cutting, depression, suicidal, thinking I was either and angel or the devil depending on the day, pushing people away to make them prove they love her by coming back).  Like many others with BPD, my sister was sexually abused as a child.  BPD explained a lot about why our relationship was so difficult.

I follow a psychologist blogger who has been posting about BPD recently, so I've started reading more about mothers with BPD.  I came across the follow article:

www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/borderline-personality-disorder-mother-signs.html

I experienced every one of these characteristics with my mother.  On the one hand, it was nice to have words to explain my mom's behavior.  On the other hand, it made me really sad.

I realize that I have more healing to do.  Like other children of mothers with BPD, I struggle with self-worth and with perfectionism.

[Kwamina]

Hi healinggirl

Welcome to our online community and thanks for posting your story

I am very sorry that you've had such a difficult relationship with your mother and also that she has passed now. Do you feel like you've been able to properly mourn the loss of your mother?

The situation with your sister is quite unpleasant and unfortunate. You mention that your sister was sexually abused as a child. Did she get any help back then to deal with what happened to her? Is she getting any help now, therapy perhaps?

On the one hand, it was nice to have words to explain my mom's behavior.  On the other hand, it made me really sad.

It's sad indeed. BPD presents a harsh reality to have to accept. Knowledge and understanding unfortunately don't necessarily make our hurt and sadness go away. Now that you know what you have been dealing with, you hopefully can try to start processing everything and start your healing process.

I realize that I have more healing to do.  Like other children of mothers with BPD, I struggle with self-worth and with perfectionism.

To help you with your healing I suggest you take a look at the tools and lessons to the right of this message board. They can help you get a better understanding of BPD and how to take care of yourself after all you've been through. You'll also find the survivor's guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse there. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 stages: Remembering --> Mourning --> Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. When you look at the survivors' guide, where do you feel you are now? You struggle with self-worth and perfectionism which isn't easy. Many children of BPD parents have found themselves struggling with these things in their adult lives. Are there perhaps also other areas listed here that you find yourself struggling with?

Take care

[healinggirl]

Kwamina,

Thank you for your reply.

The first year after my mom's death was rough, but I am at peace now.

According to my mom, my sister did get therapy but the therapist reported that she wasn't responding to the therapy.  She's had therapists over the years but says therapy doesn't help.  I hope that one day she finds a therapist who specializes in personality disorders.

I'm working on steps 11-14 right now.  I recently read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene' Brown and it really resonated with me. 

[HappyChappy]

More recently I went to therapy when I was engaged because my mom and my sister tried to sabotage my wedding, and again after my mother passed away because my sister was being incredibly difficult (long story short, I had to go to court in order to bury my mom).

... .

I realize that I have more healing to do.  Like other children of mothers with BPD, I struggle with self-worth and with perfectionism.

Sorry to hear about your Difficult relationships. My mom sabotaged my wedding also, they don't like people having the limelight, not even for a day.

But you appear to having understood what's going on, which is the first step to long term healing. Welcome to our family, plenty of wise owls (and blue birds) here to help if you want to compare notes.  

[healinggirl]

HappyChappy,

Thank you!

I was really glad to find this site where I can connect with others who have had similar experiences.  Once I was old enough, I knew my childhood was not normal.  I knew that my mom had mental illness, but I didn't have a name for it besides the depression diagnosis (I suspect that most people with depression don't kick their kids out of the car and onto the side of the road at midnight).  I started reading Surviving a Borderline Parent and it's astonishing how borderline explains so many of my mom's behaviors, and how similar my experiences were to other children of BPD parents.

I'm sorry to hear about your wedding.  It's supposed to be such a beautiful day with your family there to support you.  My mom and my sister (both uBPD) both decided not to attend my wedding.  It was sad but also a relief since I didn't have to worry about their behavior at my wedding, or their criticisms of it afterward.  I suspect that one day I'll have to explain to my son why they are not in my wedding pictures.

Nice to meet you!

[WhippingGirl]

I know we have been speaking via PM, but I just wanted to say "thanks" for this link to the BPD mother... .just. wow. It's a little crazy to read this and make even more connections with what is going on in my family. Thank you again!

[healinggirl]

WhippingGirl,

I've appreciated our message exchange!

It's amazing when the lightbulbs start going off.  Up until now, I've never had anything that explains my mom's behavior.  And BPD explains SO MUCH.  The control.  The criticism.  The guilt.  The parentification.  The perfection.  The jealousy.

Also, it's not uncommon for BPD to be passed from parent to child.  Which could also explain a lot.