It was all my fault, apparently

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

In summary, my relationship began like most others: Intense idealization

However, ours I unique in the fact id known him for almost 10yrs prior to getting together. We were friends, I knew his ex, he knew mine. The lot of us were never the best of friends, we lived about an hr away for most of our friendship, but whenever he and i would chat/see each other, it went on forever until one of us ceased contact because it was getting to the dangerously personal territory. (we knew there were feelings but he was like a forbidden fruit.) Until my ex and i split. Within a week we latched onto one another and it was, of course, too good to be true.

It depresses me to no end thinking back to that time... I didn't care about anything else. Just being near him made everything feel safe, comfortable; like this is what love is supposed to be. Just laying in bed watching tv was the most amazing thing ever...

I moved in, reluctantly, a few months later. The apt I had rented near work was unbeknownst to me, infected with cockroaches. He offered I stay with him until I find something better. I knew it was a bad idea, being so new to the relationship.

The first two weeks were perfect, sex at least once every few days; he made me feel everything i needed to feel... Wanted, loved, appreciated. And I returned those feelings, I genuinely felt them for him.

About 3-4wks into our living arrangement, I get the silent treatment for no reason at all. I prod and prod, asking why, what did I do... He snaps on me "maybe we shouldn't be together!" And I ask why, he claims "this is how I am, how I deal with stuff and you have to make it about you!" Eventually, after calmly explaining my side of why I assumed he was mad at ME he explains he was upset at his boss & when things bother him he shuts down, its a defense mechanism because of all the bad things that have happened to him "not just women, but everyone I've ever cared about leaves me" and I assure him that isn't the case with me. I had no intention on leaving! He sobs a bit then all is back to normal...

About two months go by and the silent treatment returns, this time lasting much longer (a day or two) and when I inquire if its about me, he coldly responds "no." And I retreat. I give him space. By the end of the two days I inquire again, what's wrong... Snaps on me for "yet again, making it all about you" I just sit in silence and hope it passes, and it does. Then all is well.

After about two months of living together, sex dwindles to a max of once a week and if I make any attempts beyond that, I'm told "you dont really want it, you just feel like you have to. You're not attracted to me"

Periodically he'd accuse me of wanting to leave, would insinuate my lesbian friends "wanted me" and wouldn't take the explanation that I'm straight & uninterested if that were true, for an answer.

I once was late getting home from work because I had taken the bus that day and there was a traffic jam due to a major intersections light malfunctioning. I txted him he whole time so he wouldn't get suspicious, even sent pics (that in itself felt like a red flag) he got accusatory and didn't believe where I was.

I went in the living room, frustrated and was venting to my cousin... He yanks the phone out of my hand, reads the txt and explodes on me for "talking s##t" about him...

Another time, id went to visit a friend from work who just had a baby. I txt him a photo of her cat, he sends a few dry txts back throughout my stay. Upon my return, silent treatment... I prod. He goes off about "you txt at this time, no way you got there that fast. Your timelines dont add up" and he does something similar each time I hang out with friends. It got to the point where I begun refusing their invitations as to avoid a confrontation with him, because, in my mind, he meant more to me than them. I just wanted him to be happy with me, I strived with seemingly meaningless effort, to get back that "idealization phase."

His silent treatments would escalate and grow in length over time. He became addicted to online gambling, blew through his savings and even gave ME the silent treatment as a result of that... The latest lasted over a week

During that week of silence, he'd walk by me without acknowledging I existed,I slept on the couch (by choice) I felt as if he didn't want me around anymore. He'd see his mom & speak to her normally, it was only me he would ignore.

After that week, he randomly approached me after I had the most awful day at work ever, it was so relieving yet unnerving to have him "make amends"...

A few days later, another awful day at work and I'm running the aggravation through my head as id just gotten home. He starts to pick on my appearance, wave his fingers in my face. I warn him to stop, I'm not feeling good... He keeps doing it and giggling... I snap and cuss at him. He looks at me and says a short string of vulgarities, tells me to continue sleeping on the couch.

At the end of the two weeks of silence (with a few days of semi-normal speaking) I prodded... What's wrong... Do you want me to leave? I feel like you don't want me here anymore... .He replies, "go for it... .Do what you want."

I begin packing my stuff to move back to my parents, he comes out two nights after I made the decision and just lets loose on me in front of his mom, about how "you ruined my life... .I wish I could just smash your jaw right now" amongst other pleasant things.

Sends me a few txts accusing me of planning this all along. I ignore most, but replied to explain I still love him, but can't continue watching him destroy himself with self loathing and misery.

Silence. Then on my way to work, I get a number of accusatory txts, one explaining how hes going to "f##k some whore while you're still here" and he just keeps going. Eventually beaten my emotions down so bad, I leave work to retrieve what belongings I can; I've had it. He stands in front of the door and tells me I'm not leaving with anything in tact. I just lean against the wall and cry. He stands for a moment, throws my keys to the floor and says "do what you want I dont care anymore" and storms off to the bedroom bawling.

Out of confusion& fear, I dont move. He comes out and we begin to talk, the man I knew from the "idealization phase" returned, he was sweet, full of regret and acknowledged what led up to that point in our relationship and took full blame for it. We made up, I felt uneasy but it felt good to be held by him again, it had been far too long since he last touched me. In the morning he woke up with me on my way to work, we had sex. I felt relieved/uneasy. At work I began to relive everything in my mind, I hadn't eaten in 3 days... Moving like a snail. I was hoping id pass out and die from lack of nutrition, I didn't want to deal with any of this. I leave work early, go home and sleep on the couch.

When i awake, hes concerned im on the couch... I tell him, "I can't have you get mad at me like that again, you have no idea what it does to me"  and he disconnects. Says that isn't something he can promise, what I'm asking of him is "nearly impossible" and "you're asking someone to promise they wont get mad"

So I disconnect. I tell him I have to go, I can't handle another two weeks of silence happening ever again.  We don't speak after that. A few days later in alerted by my bank that my credit card was stolen and used on online purchases, gambling sites he frequents...

I go home that night, sit on the couch. Hes goes out (presumably to the post office to retrieve the packages he purchased with my card) I scoop up what I can call a cab and head to a friends house. I stay there for a few days before getting on a plane and returning to my parents. He and I haven't spoken since, but he updated his Facebook about a month ago, poster in the "about me" section, lyrics to nine inch nails "piggy" - without a doubt aimed at me "... my little piggy wanted something new" new? I'm back where I grew up...

We were together for over a year and a half, approaching two years. In that time he was fired from his job (which he blamed me & my ex for, since at one time the three of us worked at the same place), lost another job (this time he received a settlement & blew all of his winnings gambling), etc etc... Lots of triggers. He only confided in me once, when he told me (3wks into us living together) he was incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar, has been treated but failed for BPD/borderline schizophrenia (I forget the clinical term)... I was unphased. Also unfamiliar with BPD... I felt like because of how strong my feelings were, that we could work with it. Especially considering he confided in me about his imperfections.

This site, forum has made me reflect on my own demons in a big way. I am without a doubt a co-dependant "lonely child" with a huge amount of insecurities and low self esteem. I was ripe to be taken advantage of and emotionally abused by a borderline

[nihilo]

In summary, my relationship began like most others: Intense idealization

However, ours I unique in the fact id known him for almost 10yrs prior to getting together. We were friends, I knew his ex, he knew mine. The lot of us were never the best of friends, we lived about an hr away for most of our friendship, but whenever he and i would chat/see each other, it went on forever until one of us ceased contact because it was getting to the dangerously personal territory. (we knew there were feelings but he was like a forbidden fruit.) Until my ex and i split. Within a week we latched onto one another and it was, of course, too good to be true.

It depresses me to no end thinking back to that time... I didn't care about anything else. Just being near him made everything feel safe, comfortable; like this is what love is supposed to be. Just laying in bed watching tv was the most amazing thing ever...

I moved in, reluctantly, a few months later. The apt I had rented near work was unbeknownst to me, infected with cockroaches. He offered I stay with him until I find something better. I knew it was a bad idea, being so new to the relationship.

The first two weeks were perfect, sex at least once every few days; he made me feel everything i needed to feel... Wanted, loved, appreciated. And I returned those feelings, I genuinely felt them for him.

About 3-4wks into our living arrangement, I get the silent treatment for no reason at all. I prod and prod, asking why, what did I do... He snaps on me "maybe we shouldn't be together!" And I ask why, he claims "this is how I am, how I deal with stuff and you have to make it about you!" Eventually, after calmly explaining my side of why I assumed he was mad at ME he explains he was upset at his boss & when things bother him he shuts down, its a defense mechanism because of all the bad things that have happened to him "not just women, but everyone I've ever cared about leaves me" and I assure him that isn't the case with me. I had no intention on leaving! He sobs a bit then all is back to normal...

About two months go by and the silent treatment returns, this time lasting much longer (a day or two) and when I inquire if its about me, he coldly responds "no." And I retreat. I give him space. By the end of the two days I inquire again, what's wrong... Snaps on me for "yet again, making it all about you" I just sit in silence and hope it passes, and it does. Then all is well.

After about two months of living together, sex dwindles to a max of once a week and if I make any attempts beyond that, I'm told "you dont really want it, you just feel like you have to. You're not attracted to me"

Periodically he'd accuse me of wanting to leave, would insinuate my lesbian friends "wanted me" and wouldn't take the explanation that I'm straight & uninterested if that were true, for an answer.

I once was late getting home from work because I had taken the bus that day and there was a traffic jam due to a major intersections light malfunctioning. I txted him he whole time so he wouldn't get suspicious, even sent pics (that in itself felt like a red flag) he got accusatory and didn't believe where I was.

I went in the living room, frustrated and was venting to my cousin... He yanks the phone out of my hand, reads the txt and explodes on me for "talking s##t" about him...

Another time, id went to visit a friend from work who just had a baby. I txt him a photo of her cat, he sends a few dry txts back throughout my stay. Upon my return, silent treatment... I prod. He goes off about "you txt at this time, no way you got there that fast. Your timelines dont add up" and he does something similar each time I hang out with friends. It got to the point where I begun refusing their invitations as to avoid a confrontation with him, because, in my mind, he meant more to me than them. I just wanted him to be happy with me, I strived with seemingly meaningless effort, to get back that "idealization phase."

His silent treatments would escalate and grow in length over time. He became addicted to online gambling, blew through his savings and even gave ME the silent treatment as a result of that... The latest lasted over a week

During that week of silence, he'd walk by me without acknowledging I existed,I slept on the couch (by choice) I felt as if he didn't want me around anymore. He'd see his mom & speak to her normally, it was only me he would ignore.

After that week, he randomly approached me after I had the most awful day at work ever, it was so relieving yet unnerving to have him "make amends"...

A few days later, another awful day at work and I'm running the aggravation through my head as id just gotten home. He starts to pick on my appearance, wave his fingers in my face. I warn him to stop, I'm not feeling good... He keeps doing it and giggling... I snap and cuss at him. He looks at me and says a short string of vulgarities, tells me to continue sleeping on the couch.

At the end of the two weeks of silence (with a few days of semi-normal speaking) I prodded... What's wrong... Do you want me to leave? I feel like you don't want me here anymore... .He replies, "go for it... .Do what you want."

I begin packing my stuff to move back to my parents, he comes out two nights after I made the decision and just lets loose on me in front of his mom, about how "you ruined my life... .I wish I could just smash your jaw right now" amongst other pleasant things.

Sends me a few txts accusing me of planning this all along. I ignore most, but replied to explain I still love him, but can't continue watching him destroy himself with self loathing and misery.

Silence. Then on my way to work, I get a number of accusatory txts, one explaining how hes going to "f##k some whore while you're still here" and he just keeps going. Eventually beaten my emotions down so bad, I leave work to retrieve what belongings I can; I've had it. He stands in front of the door and tells me I'm not leaving with anything in tact. I just lean against the wall and cry. He stands for a moment, throws my keys to the floor and says "do what you want I dont care anymore" and storms off to the bedroom bawling.

Out of confusion& fear, I dont move. He comes out and we begin to talk, the man I knew from the "idealization phase" returned, he was sweet, full of regret and acknowledged what led up to that point in our relationship and took full blame for it. We made up, I felt uneasy but it felt good to be held by him again, it had been far too long since he last touched me. In the morning he woke up with me on my way to work, we had sex. I felt relieved/uneasy. At work I began to relive everything in my mind, I hadn't eaten in 3 days... Moving like a snail. I was hoping id pass out and die from lack of nutrition, I didn't want to deal with any of this. I leave work early, go home and sleep on the couch.

When i awake, hes concerned im on the couch... I tell him, "I can't have you get mad at me like that again, you have no idea what it does to me"  and he disconnects. Says that isn't something he can promise, what I'm asking of him is "nearly impossible" and "you're asking someone to promise they wont get mad"

So I disconnect. I tell him I have to go, I can't handle another two weeks of silence happening ever again.  We don't speak after that. A few days later in alerted by my bank that my credit card was stolen and used on online purchases, gambling sites he frequents...

I go home that night, sit on the couch. Hes goes out (presumably to the post office to retrieve the packages he purchased with my card) I scoop up what I can call a cab and head to a friends house. I stay there for a few days before getting on a plane and returning to my parents. He and I haven't spoken since, but he updated his Facebook about a month ago, poster in the "about me" section, lyrics to nine inch nails "piggy" - without a doubt aimed at me "... my little piggy wanted something new" new? I'm back where I grew up...

We were together for over a year and a half, approaching two years. In that time he was fired from his job (which he blamed me & my ex for, since at one time the three of us worked at the same place), lost another job (this time he received a settlement & blew all of his winnings gambling), etc etc... Lots of triggers. He only confided in me once, when he told me (3wks into us living together) he was incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar, has been treated but failed for BPD/borderline schizophrenia (I forget the clinical term)... I was unphased. Also unfamiliar with BPD... I felt like because of how strong my feelings were, that we could work with it. Especially considering he confided in me about his imperfections.

This site, forum has made me reflect on my own demons in a big way. I am without a doubt a co-dependant "lonely child" with a huge amount of insecurities and low self esteem. I was ripe to be taken advantage of and emotionally abused by a borderline

[nihilo]

Throughout our relationship, he made several attempts to break up with me, either saying "I see what being with me is doing to you" or "I can't handle this" (referring to me being inquisitive on why hes upset. I genuinely wanted to help him. It killed me seeing him unhappy so much. His sadness hit me hard everytime and it took a bit of me away each time.

I cried, pleaded and slept days away out of depression. There is nobody that has ever made me cry as much as he did. Anytime I felt him detach it felt like my world was ending.

Though I am at constant battle: Was this love, or dependence I had for him? In my eyes, it felt like love. But was it really? Can somebody so insecure and with such battered self esteem like myself, really "love" someone that much

[nihilo]

(why is the edit limitation so short?)

In the last few weeks of our relationship, he also exploded on me for not volunteering to pay the cable bill. Pretty much the entire time we lived together, I paid it because he had lost his job(s) and I felt it was my duty to pitch in, so I would offer. A few months into it, he coldly said NO and ranted how he didn't need a handout, that I only want to pay it so I have leverage later on...

It hurt. I genuinely wanted to pay for it, because when to coexist you pitch in. I felt I was being helpful so he didn't accumulate debt or have it shut off, since he was out of a job.

The very last cable bill was the worst. I didn't offer. I was tired of the back and fourth "you only... " replies, so I listened to him drop hints. Eventually, he got tired of it and asked if I could pay it. I happily obliged. On our way out, he sits down and I ask if we were still heading out to pay it, he snapped saying "shove it up your a## you greedy j#w c##t" and went on and on how cheap and selfish I was.

I just sat there in silence, trying to ignore him but couldn't control the trickle of tears.

He also used to constantly talk about "when we break up, you'll say/tell people how bad of a person I was... .You'll talk about how small and ugly my penis is... You tell people you're abused and like a battered wife, dont you" and it was always out of nowhere. That verbal lashing made me feel very much like a "battered wife" and about a week or so later, the first in the series of long term silent treatments began.

Inbetween the first and second silent treatment, I went into the bedroom and told him "since you dont want me around anymore, I'm going to get an apt. I can never be able to give you the space you need" he rolled over, "f##k you c##t, dont you dare threaten me with that!" And tried to spit on me twice. As much as I shouldn't, I've been trying to forget that. And had, until I typed the "battered wife" comment above.

[rotiroti]

HOLY PROJECTION BATMAN.

you have the patience of a saint nihilo, seriously I was getting palpitations reading about the mistreatment and obvious abuse you were put through. It was also the silent treatment that gnawed away at me the most. Seriously, feeling unwanted under your own roof is the worst feeling. Especially coming from someone who felt like a soulmate.

It even appears that he was even projecting his smear campaign. Good for you for cutting out the toxic out of your life. Your ex is obviously very sick and while it's painful to walk away from it all, we have to take care of ourselves.

[nihilo]

Not gonna lie, after reading that I'm a little concerned he'll stumble across it (he told me early in our relationship he had BPD) and get in touch with me for s##t talking him... he was so worried I would villefy him "when we broke up"; and that isn't my intention at all.  Though I absolutely did/do feel abused, I'm glad I'm not being delusional with that feeling.

Moderators: Why can't I edit my original post! The specifics (like the song title) I would like to edit out.  Though honestly I'm not sure that would make the slightest bit of a difference. If he read that post, he'd know right away who posted it.

Am I crazy for thinking that? haha.

But the reality of the situation is, I guess it wouldn't matter. He is a stranger to me.  He even told me "the guy you fell in love with doesn't exist" during one of the last break up/make up cycles.

If I had left after the first time he tried to break up with me, I'm not sure if I'd feel better, or worse about not having him in my life anymore.

rotiroti, it's sickening to hear so many people have experienced these silent treatments.  There is really no worse punishment.  I'd really would have preferred he physically abuse me, it would be easier to hate him.  The silent treatment is emotional torture and makes your mind wander, and of course, the worst possible things come to mind.  There were countless times I felt like crawling into a hole and just dying.

"It even appears that he was even projecting his smear campaign." - I'm not sure what you mean by that? He was a hermit the entire time we were together, and I was OK with that.  Though there were a few times I'd of loved to gotten out and done something, anything... but my comfort around him trumped all, I didn't care about socialization at all, as long as I was with him.  In hindsight (though I knew at the time, but didn't choose to take care to the fact), that wasn't healthy, nor was it healthy ignoring my friends simply to evade confrontation with him.

There were even many instances I'd offer for him to come out with us, and he would refuse, saying "You don't really want me to go. You're only suggesting that so I won't be suspicious."

[rotiroti]

You know you are right about not worrying about what you shared here, because it really is over.

I was in a similar place so don't worry. I had copied and pasted personal emails she had send me on here and was really worried. As time went on and as my healing progressed, I realized so what if my ex found them? It wouldn't make a difference in my decisions.

If I had left after the first time he tried to break up with me, I'm not sure if I'd feel better, or worse about not having him in my life anymore.

That's great insight. I am the one that cut the cord rather earlier on and I hurt for different reasons. I am so happy that this place exists, I am able to realize that in the end it was hopeless either way.

"It even appears that he was even projecting his smear campaign."

So if your partner really was BPD (he certainly sounds like he does!), they tend to do smear campaigns after the break up. For them to admit fault on their end would mean even greater shame. They may even make up stories to fit their emotional portrait of you. The scary thing is that they will actually believe it too, that's just how strong their emotions are.

There were even many instances I'd offer for him to come out with us, and he would refuse, saying "You don't really want me to go. You're only suggesting that so I won't be suspicious."

Man he was something else, he loved to project EVERYTHING huh?

Hope you're feeling better today nihilo!

[nihilo]

Oh without a doubt hes doing a smear campaign. One of the last times id looked at his profile, I saw his cousin (whom I only met/seen once in the time we were together) said something along the lines of "b###h, if only I could... " In response to a song my ex posted, titled"f##k you c##t"

Mixed emotions at the time, but because of these boards I understand that he doesn't handle emotions the same way I do, that hes emotionally flawed. So if hating me and making up stories is what he has to do to feel better, I'm ok with it. I would NEVER want him to feel what I'm feeling because of the breakup. If he can be numb and escape pain that way, its ok.

You're right, he projected virtually everything. Except even mid rage if I would ask "are you not attracted to me anymore? Do you think I'm ugly, that's why you think I'm beautiful, you can't see without your contacts" he would always say that isn't true and I could tell he felt bad that I felt that way, then he'd say "look at ME. There's something wrong with YOU that you find me attractive, that's why it makes me uncomfortable when you give me compliments. I dont believe them so dont say it." And that hurt too, because to me he was perfect. He was a little on the heavy side because he would overeat when he didn't feel good about himself (which was more often than not) but still, he is absolutely gorgeous, and when his BPD wasn't showing, he had a great personality that was quite similar to mine.

The past few weeks I've been doing very good, feeling better. But something made me lapse 3 days ago and Im not even sure what. Its been horrible, like fresh wounds all over again and deep depression, all I want to do is sleep.

How long have you been away from your ex? Do you have relapses too, or does it stop?

[rotiroti]

Completely normal to feel like you're regressing. I learned here that healing is not linear, sometimes you'll take a step back before taking 2 steps forward the following day.

It's been a month since my b/u and also a month since I've gone n/c. Like in your case I had to leave for the sake of my sanity. I think at the end of the day, no one can put blame for taking care of yourself. I'm tempted to check up on them on social media and such, but I know that would be a huge trigger.

I understand what it feels like to see the good side of an ex. I think around week 2 I really started focusing on the good memories and the times when the ex was extremely lucid and sweet. I had to keep reminding myself to remember the person as a whole

"look at ME. There's something wrong with YOU that you find me attractive,

that's interesting, i think it was covered in "Stop Walking on Egg Shells"

While the pwBPD is glad to have found someone to soothe the abandonment, they also start believing something is wrong with the partner to actually have 'settled' on them. Does that make sense?

It's a truly no win situation and while it's sad. it is what it is.

A big breakthrough for me happened when I realized that only they can help themselves.

You know for the amount of pain (and recent one at that) you went through, you are doing great. I wish i had that insight early on

[nihilo]

I'm approaching month 3, so I think you're handling your breakup far better than I'm handling mine. I woke up at 1pm, ate breakfast & got dressed, just to go back to sleep. I just woke up again.

Another memory I've been trying to suppress was our 1yr anniversary. He had hinted in days prior he'd be taking the day off work, I was ecstatic that he remembered & cared enough to do that, but I didn't urge him to... He'd always complain he was broke and needed money.  Well, that day, he was distant and slept pretty much the entire day until he was to wake from work. when I tried to warm up to him, he got snippy and got ready for work, left after snapping on me because he didn't like the tone I had when I replied to a question.

I was emotionally crushed and devastated, the year prior, that day was one of the happiest days of my life. And when I kept trying to txt and ask "why" I got nothing. I sent him detailed txts of how much he meant to me. I really don't even remember when he finally got back in touch, if it were that night or the next morning. Irregardless, it hurt me deeply. He eventually told me "you didn't seen to care, so I never asked off for work. Who cares anyway, its just another day."

Six months later the never ending silent treatments and subsequent breakup happened.

I had a big breakthrough over a month ago, after finding this site and reading my situation repeated by others, seemingly word for word. I knew at that point id done the right thing by leaving, so why am I relapsing now? Especially after typing out some of the low points... I get the same feeling in my gut as I did back then.

I dont miss feeling like that, but I wonder if its the hope that I miss? The hope of the idealization phase returning.  I'm not sure, I feel very confused by my depression.

[rotiroti]

I'm approaching month 3, so I think you're handling your breakup far better than I'm handling mine. I woke up at 1pm, ate breakfast & got dressed, just to go back to sleep. I just woke up again.

Thank you for your kind words. It's thanks to posters and this website, I knew my ex as a friend for 10 years and had always recognized red flags. In my infuation I thought they somehow all disappeared etc, but when it deteriorated, i knew it would be best to leave.

Six months later the never ending silent treatments and subsequent breakup happened.

You really are a saint for being that patient. I hope one day he gets better and sees his mistake.

I wish my ex would get better for her own sake, as I learn more about BPD the more I feel sorry for someone feeling those intense negative emotions at all times... .

I had a big breakthrough over a month ago, after finding this site and reading my situation repeated by others, seemingly word for word. I knew at that point id done the right thing by leaving, so why am I relapsing now? Especially after typing out some of the low points... I get the same feeling in my gut as I did back then.

That's great that the writing on this site helps you out. I have thought about posting here less and less as well, because perhaps this is a distant way to connect with the BPDex in some way. I suppose there are thousands of users who have posted here in the hey day, healed, and have long since moved on with life and this place.

kind of encouraging in a way to think about.




may the lack of energy could be some depression? It's draining to mourn the end of a relationship with BPD, doesn't hurt to see a professional to help with the healing process. Just my 2 cents