Did your BPDx ever talk about 'losing connection' with you?

[Lifewriter16]

Post b/up, when my BPDxbf was trying to persuade me to be just 'friends' with him rather than re-commencing a romantic relationship, he told me that he 'loses connection' very quickly. He seemed to be saying the feeling he had for me would have gone and so he wouldn't have a problem with us meeting up. He didn't talk about falling out of love or getting over me, even though he had told me he loved me on numerous occasions. It seems a strange way of expressing the need to get over an attachment and I'm wondering if anyone can shed any light upon this for me.

Did/does your BPD use this phrase and what do you think they mean by it?

Love Lifewriter

[valet]

Never that phrase exactly, but she initiated many conversations about only feeling positively about a 'long-term friendship' towards the end of the relationship.

I don't think that my pwBPD meant anything much by it, simply the common definition that feelings primarily equal facts. To me it is an expression of the reality that they face; the culmination of an intimacy that they are not prepared to engage.

Sad, yes. But with understanding there is a lot of room for positive growth within us, the former partners of a pwBPD.

[Jack2727]

Yes, that was one of the phrases that my ex used as her self validation when she discarded me. The "loss of connection" is what happens when life gets real. People with this illness cannot sustain a relationship once the honeymoon phase subsides.

[apollotech]

Hi Lifewriter,

I never heard a phrase such as that from my BPDexgf during or after the relationship. What I am tossing out here are guesses as to what that means:

1) It is a statement about object constantancy---out of sight, out of mind.

2) It is a statement to avoid intimacy, and thereby, engulfment issues (the romantic relationship) while maintaining the attachment through friendship.

3) It is a statement that the infatuation has ended (a mature love would displace infatuation at this point in a healthy union).

Your thoughts?

[itgirl]

Yes, that was one of the phrases that my ex used as her self validation when she discarded me. The "loss of connection" is what happens when life gets real. People with this illness cannot sustain a relationship once the honeymoon phase subsides.

THIS!  Every recycle this is exactly my life!  They must be in honeymoon phase. And this phase get shorter with every recycle

[joeramabeme]

Lifewriter, YES!  She did not say "lost connection" but painted me to be her "friend".  What the heck!  3 months earlier you wanted to buy a house and adopt a child.  Just like you, no falling out of love or any visible process. 

I am still reading and learning and re-reading and learning but my semi-informed opinion is that she just could not handle intimacy and when it gets too close/real she goes for the "emotional safety" mechanism that works.  Nothing says don't even try to get re-connected with me like I see you as a friend.  I hindsight this has been happening all along, just on a smaller event scale.  Once all the blaming, projection and nonsense appears to have run the course of its usefulness there is only one option, exit stage left!

Even now she is packing up and moving out and for her it is nothing more than a move.  10 years of marriage and it is clear she has no association to the feelings, just asking who will get the cleaning detergent and do you want the white dishes or blue ones. 

It feels so devaluing.  We can't understand it, that's a good thing.  We can accept it, that is a very difficult thing. 

As crazy as this sounds, I have had some better acceptance over the last couple days and joined in on the "you are just moving" pack up our house event.  I am willing to bet that this will drive her crazy and make her inquire how I can be so nonchalant and may even drive her towards asking me if I care about her at all.

Just remember THEY CANNOT SEE THEMSELVES - you can - they can't.  Affirm and validate yourself.  I have lost many a hour trying to get it from someone that will almost definitely never be able to give it.

[Jack2727]

The only way to delay these people from leaving is providing an emotional challenge. This keeps their brain occupied trying to gain your affections. The ironic thing about this is once that you surrender yourself to these people they lose interest and look for ways to find another "shiny toy".

These are why these relationships are so damaging to NONBpders. If you have a fully formed self and you eventually let them into your sphere of influence it can be extremely destructive.

It takes months, in some cases years, to get over the post traumatic stress of one of these breakups.

[Jack2727]

Even now she is packing up and moving out and for her it is nothing more than a move.  10 years of marriage and it is clear she has no association to the feelings, just asking who will get the cleaning detergent and do you want the white dishes or blue ones. 

That is the thing that will ruminate with you for months and years. Their lack of trying to work things out and abrupt ejection and subsequent reattachment to a new source of supply will eat at you. I know that has been my biggest challenge towards healing.

[findingmyselfagain]

I'm sure my exunBPD knew something was up with her. I don't know if she was formally diagnosed. Four days after our wedding shower, she told me she "ran away emotionally sometimes". Long after it was over and I wanted to try to hang out with her and her daughter because I cared about them. She agreed and seemed as agreeable as a unBPDex could be, but she said we could never be "really good friends again". Really good friends? We were engaged, nearly married, and her daughter called me "daddy" from early in the r/s. It's pretty typical of what you read on this Board. I wish I knew then what I knew now, but what can you do?

[findingmyselfagain]

PS Four days after the wedding shower she went out with a male co-worker for the first time ever in our r/s. That's the context behind "running away emotionally."

[Lostone1314]

month or 2 before discard she said "we have lost respect for eachother' and sugested we go back to where we started ... that is living apart but still in relationship... PROJECTION what she meant was she lost respect for me hence the ease at which she was able to lie,sext,cheat,devalue and discard...

[coldmist]

While not about me, my exBPDgf told me she lost her feelings for the father of her son whom she gave up for adoption when he was born. She said he had become like a brother to her. She was only 17 too. One of the many I ignored.

[darkhorse]

Yes! My all my exBPD ever talked about was "Connection and Pure Love" . When we were together he would be marveling at the "Strong Connection" between us and how it would be impossible to break. We lived 4 hours apart so as you can imagine there was a lot of texting. I was on a regiment so to speak, and if I failed to answer his text within 30 minutes or said or didn't say something to his liking, suddenly the "connection" was not there. For example I knew that if I didn't send him a "Good morning, I love you" text by 8 am, I'd be in deep trouble. Id get a text saying, "I don't feel your love today", "I think the connection is weak between us" and on and on it went.

I noticed over time that he needed to stay in the ":)ream world of love" 24/7. He had no responsibilities except for work and feeding his face. I loved being in that world of his too, however I had be an adult most of the time so I could deal with daily problems at work and home etc. etc. When I was working I could not "Send" him the continuos love feelings and connection he was so in-tuned to. Its like he was psychic, and he knew I wasn't thinking about him, and he would send me on a guilt trip every single time. He really felt like a spoilt little boy that was always wanting your undivided attention. It was impossible for me to keep this "connection" up, as I had other responsibilities like my own children, and work commitments. When I explained he said he understood it all, but as soon as I'd failed to meet his expectations, the connection was barely there.

Funnily enough I never really felt like there was the kind of "Connection" that two adults should have had. I felt like I was a machine that makes love on demand and had to show/send it to him  24/7.

Towards the end I was so drained and tired and sick with the flu, I had asked him not to come on the weekend as I needed to stay in bed. At first he was concerned and said he should be there to look after me,(mind you his idea of looking after me was crawling in bed beside me and wanting hugs/sex, not really making a chicken soup and cups of lemon teas or helping with house work). Anyway he slept on it and 12 hours later he said he isn't feeling any connection or pure love from me and broke up with me via text. He was right, he couldn't feel the love, as I he had completely and utterly drained me and was incapable of the constant "Love on demand" open tap system. It was the third time he had done this and it

was his last time.

I think The "connection" he was talking about was love, the kind of "Love",only a mother can give to her child. My children have that kind of pure love and connection with me, it doesn't drain me, and it doesn't feel like hard work. Its there when we find out we have a life growing inside of us. Its effortless. Unfortunately our ex BPD's never had that deep maternal connection and pure love as he called it. He also mistakes it for "intimacy" between two adults, any parent that has experienced intimacy on an "adult"  level would know the difference between the kind of love we have/give to our children and the kind of love we have for our partners. The BPD's have some idea about love in general , but haven't got the "grasp" on it as we do.

I am sad for him, and I miss him, but my rational self,( thank God it's in charge most of the time), knows how toxic this relationship was, and how I or anybody else couldn't and will not be able to "love his hurt" away till he looks within himself.

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I've been having a pretty lonely time recently and it's this website and the people whose lives I read about and who reply to me, that keep me going.

Darkhorse - I can relate to your post. I felt like I was always on call to respond by text to my BPDxbf and always in a risky situation if I didn't respond in the right way at the right time. He also expected me to let him take care of me when I was ill or depressed. I wouldn't let him. It caused a big argument one time and a b/up the next.

I suspect I'll never know what my BPDxbf meant by 'losing connection' but I wonder if it's a form of detachment from his emotions, a cutting off from his deeper feelings. Much as it may hurt, I think it's far better that he moves on from me emotionally than tries to recycle again because I'd struggle to say 'No' to him. I'm hoping that I can get to the point where I am strong before I have to face him again just in case I crumble at the sight of him, like I did last time.

Love

Lifewriter

[darkhorse]

Yes Lifewriter knowing that its over cuts like a jagged knife, more so than a break up with a nonBPD partner. Im guessing that in the case of non BPD the two parties come to a mutual decision. With a BPD's it is only and always one sided, we have no say in the "break up" matter, we have no choice because it is all about them not us, and we have always wronged them... It has only been 5 weeks for me since the final "bu",and yes I do have very weak moments of wanting him to call, or just see him walk through the door rushing in to kiss me. Those moments of weakness are heart wrenching, and I usually have a beer or two, if I'm not at work, just to take the edge off it.

I have a 14 yo son, my BPDexb really tried to be the "father figure" to him, my son is really really hurting. I hate myself for letting this guy into my life so close to my child. But yesterday my son and I had a good talk, first time in 5 weeks he had opened up. And he had said to me that the whole thing just feels like a dream. He explained it really well for his age. He said that he remembers "role playing" happy families in preschool. Playing mummies and daddies,and happy children. He said that the whole thing felt just like a "Play", and that there was nothing real about us as a family. He also said that the man did not love us like he said he did, as he would not be able to dump us on the phone via text msg if he knew the meaning of true love. He is 14, he is a kid and he can see how fake and unreal this love affair was on my BPDexbf part. This is what keeps me from contacting him. The reality that my 14 yo son knows better, he knows what love is and should be, and despite of my heart screaming otherwise I have to stay in reality, and hold on till I can feel free from him and and damage he had created around us.

Stay strong it will get better.

[Surg_Bear]

My wife puts the blame for her losing connection with me, firmly on my shoulders.

It is my fault for her losing connection.

She sites my over-work as the reason for the lost connection.  I am never home, so therefore, she has no feeling of connection.



I just realized while typing the last sentence:  A few years ago, I told her that she was texting and calling me too much.  I told her that I almost lost my job 25 years ago- because she was always calling and tying up one of the 3 or 4 lines that the lab I was working in. 

Her shame of almost causing me to get fired, and the abrupt halt to the endless stream of texts and calls:  this is what she must mean by the "lost connection."

If she cannot connect with me every 15 minutes, I must not be holding her in my mind, and so, the love has been lost.

This is terrible.

Surg_Bear

[valet]

My wife puts the blame for her losing connection with me, firmly on my shoulders.

Hey Surg_Bear, do you think that maybe her blaming you is a deep shame that she feels the need to project?