My afterthoughts on our 30day VLC break.

[misuniadziubek]

It's been 2 weeks almost since our June VLC break ended.

Summary:

The break was my pwBPD's idea. He felt like the relationship was sucking him dry when he had just gotten diagnosed with BPD because his symptoms had worsened and he wanted a lasting change. I suggested the rules that we'd adhere to. No contact except for a non-relationship update once a week Sundays. He deleted me off social media. We were free to see other people.

I considered it a real break. As in for this duration our relationship is dissolved and we were two separate individuals living their own life. It felt kind of freeing but also painful in practice.

I went on a few dates with some people and had some fun during this time period but it was all very lighthearted and non-serious. I spent it completely sober and mindfully. Kept a journal, took walks, experienced and confronted my feelings of abandonment. I considered what my life felt like without my boyfriend. I spent a lot of time with friends.

He didn't feel the effects until a couple days in when he started to feel my absence. He ended up kind of semi-seriously dating and hooking up with a girl he knew from before. Kind of like a 7 day binge where she was staying over every night and even befriended his roommate. I didn't feel okay with this. I felt like he was trying to fill those feelings of my absence with someone else. Fully integrating this person into his life for the time being. It was his decision though and so I didn't really have much to say. It was allowed.

By our second week of break he started to fall apart. Tried to bait me to get a fix, but I fully stood my ground. That scared him very much. Became convinced that he might be losing me. I validated his feelings but asked to continue the break and it's rules. After a couple of days, I ended up agreeing to him visiting me for one night. It was a weird experience to say the least. We'd forgotten a lot of things about each other. We continued the break until the 4th of July with minimal contact and then we reunited for good.


My afterthoughts? This was probably the best decision we'd ever made. Things don't just feel different. They follow an entirely different dynamic.

Firstly, we actually talk things out now. Whenever one of us feels insecure, the other opens up and reassures the other. He actually tries to validate my fears when we talk about the relationship as a whole.

Secondly, the relationship as a whole is much more stable. He doesn't fear being abandoned or worry about things going awry anymore. He expressed to me that it feels like I'm a permanent part of his life. It's scary but also incredibly comforting. I don't fear losing him either and am less enmeshed and worried about setting him off.

I no longer 'walk on eggshells' so to speak, but rather I take a very gentle approach to everything he expresses. I ask questions, I clarify. I am much better at validating his emotions. He in turn takes my concerns more seriously and is more willing to open up and express how he feels. Everything feels so much more intimate.

The best part? We're friends. We actually get to enjoy each other's company rather than live in this constant fog. He recently told me that he feels bad about dragging me to some of his business meetings but he just really enjoys having me around and understands if I'm bored and I can say no. It's like before we were stuck in this boiling pot that was closed off by a lid, constantly overflowing and making a racket and now we are on a low simmer setting with little chance of the food burning.

Now not to say that things are ideal. We're more secure and less enmeshed, but his BPD is still a huge issue.

I want him to do DBT in time when he's ready, but the idea also scares me because I worry about extinction bursts and him taking his frustration out on me.

We had a little bit of workup last Saturday where he was frustrated with something and I called his name at the wrong time. He became really irritated and snapped at me. I felt terrible in that moment, all those old anxious feelings flooding back, but I completely backed off, let him do his stuff and drove away to go spend my time on my own for a bit. He called me 45 minutes later in a great mood and asked me to come hang out with him.

A part of me wishes that he would be able to just say 'I'm frustrated right now and need space" instead of snapping at me and treating me like cr^p.

Of course, it would make things easier but it's a pretty high expectation for him to have that high awareness of his feelings. I do realise that.

The emotional and verbal abuse is practically non-existent compared to the severity before. Our communication is at a much higher level now as he feels less anxious talking to me.

I know we're going to have setbacks, but it feels like some really huge boulders got moved out of our way and we are more capable of handling the rocks.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

 

Very happy for you and proud of you for maintaining doing what you thought was right.

[formflier]

   

[an0ught]

Hi misuniaziubek,

this is really good news. Taking a break, confronting his fears and to some degree yours was brave and it looks it paid off. 

I want him to do DBT in time when he's ready, but the idea also scares me because I worry about extinction bursts and him taking his frustration out on me.

DBT and extinction bursts? DBT may result in some confused behavior at the beginning as the psycho-education and first insights take hold and the pwBPD experiments with new behavior and struggle with different new emotional situations.

Extinction burst are more related to boundaries and with the break you just did the first and one of the biggest steps to put boundaries in place. I strongly encourage you to follow that path and be consistent with them. The first ones are the hardest and you might have seen already the worst. It gets easier over time so preserve and extend what you already got.

[misuniadziubek]

Hi misuniaziubek,

this is really good news. Taking a break, confronting his fears and to some degree yours was brave and it looks it paid off.  

I want him to do DBT in time when he's ready, but the idea also scares me because I worry about extinction bursts and him taking his frustration out on me.

DBT and extinction bursts? DBT may result in some confused behavior at the beginning as the psycho-education and first insights take hold and the pwBPD experiments with new behavior and struggle with different new emotional situations.

Extinction burst are more related to boundaries and with the break you just did the first and one of the biggest steps to put boundaries in place. I strongly encourage you to follow that path and be consistent with them. The first ones are the hardest and you might have seen already the worst. It gets easier over time so preserve and extend what you already got.

Oops... My bad


Guess I'm a little underinformed.

I just worry pretty much about him learning new DBT skills then accusing me of not employing those skills and using it against me.

I still sometimes have these reflex reactions to him, or his outbursts, and then I have to remind myself, this relationship isn't like that anymore.

Like for example, I drove up Saturday to see him and he texted me 'heading out soon.'

I completely overreacted. Assumed that he had left without me because I was 10 minutes late. I texted him. "Wow,  I JUST drove by your house a moment ago, you suck." Super upset, feelings abandoned, disappointed, the works.

He didn't really get it. He took it with a grain of salt, thought I was kidding. He wrote: Will be home within the hour.

Oh. He was leaving where he'd been working. Neither of us really overreact like that anymore. Our relationship is different. But I'd been triggered by the memory. I ended up kind of complaining that he wasn't here already, and that coming felt like a waste. He told me that I'd been too vague with the time when I'd be coming up, so he had given himself leeway, but felt very upset that I would ever call coming up to see him a waste. I instantly apologised for making that statement and explained that I was just feeling disappointment that I couldn't see him right away and felt like I'd wasted my own time by not being clear enough.

Misunderstanding over, back to our happy little paradise.

Sunday morning, he got angry with me when I told him that I need to use the toilet. Started ranting a bit. I told him, it's okay, I can wait. Apparently he'd been trying to fix the toilet from overflowing and was experiencing a lot frustration and was extremely tired. I left to go to his bedroom for a bit, feeling a little jolted emotionally, but repeatedly telling myself that it wasn't personal, he was simply angry with the situation and feared the extra pressure of my needs. Within minutes, he came into the bedroom all chip and happy and told me that the toilet was fine now and I could do my business. Kissed me on the forehead and told me that he'd been trying to fix it all morning and got really lonely and missed my company but felt bad about the idea of waking me up from sleep. I suggested he shower and then we could nap together for an hour or two. He loved the idea.

Things used to be so difficult and draining. Now we cooperate, I stopped invalidating him, learned to validate him, express my feelings rather than react, we both have really good boundaries in place, we talk through every insecurity as it comes up and sometimes he even validates my feelings when I tell him. I couldn't imagine ever having such a stable relationship with a borderline.

If only he would consider DBT. But perhaps in time.