Do I Contact?

[barterbarter]

Hi everyone -

I had a big fight with my undiagnosed BPD girlfriend/friend whatever who was very rude and hostile with me last week, told me she only wanted to be friends with me (she has said this many times before and come back every time) though this time was a bit ugly because I gave her an ultimatum and said I only wanted her as a girlfriend and if she wasn't willing to be that I didn't want to spend hours on the phone caretaking her every day.

She's always freaking out, accusing me of preventing her from finding her true love, marriage etc. but we have been in this pattern for 3 years and I felt like I'd had enough. Bad for my self-esteem to always fall short of "being good enough for her".

But I genuinely do worry about her. She doesn't appear to have any other friends in our city (though I wouldn't be surprised if she had an army of other guys she keeps around) and the caretaking role that I ended up being in with her is so extreme she has called me "Mommy". Weird, I know... .

She's a massive hypochondriac, always worried that she's dying and tomorrow she gets her blood test results back and I know she'll be panicking. When we fought and broke up last week I asked her if she'd be able to handle the blood test results alone and she said "yes" and was firm about never wanting to talk to me again.

So what do I do? Do I take her at face value or do I call to make sure she's okay? We've been in NC for 7 days and both realize it's an extremely healthy relationship, but the idea of here being scared with her blood tests breaks my heart. I suspect if I do call her she'll be abusive so I don't really want to but at the same time feel obliged.

Any advice? The caretaking that I have done made her go from wanting to marry me to wanting to be "just friends" and because I am deeply in love with her, it's probably not a good strategy for me but I have a hard time not worrying about her because she's so emotionally fragile.

Any advice? Should I respect her wishes and not contact or will that just make her already profound abandonment issues that much worse?

Thank you... . 

   

[barterbarter]

Sorry... .meant to say "unhealthy" relationship, obviously... .

[ponco]

I'm sorry what you are going through, and from my experience you can't change the heart of a person wether they are BPD or not.

[barterbarter]

Thanks for the response but I was reading through your posts. Doesn't your girlfriend Push and Pull and breakup with you constantly and then come back as well?

That would suggest that what's in their hearts does seem to constantly change, doesn't it? That's part of the frustration.

Deep down I don't think she wants to be with me and I can accept that but I'm more concerned right now whether or not she'll be okay with the stress of the blood tests. I hate the idea of her being in pain.

In spite of how she treats me, I really do worry about her mental health a lot. Do I need to or is it safe to assume she can take care of herself? I'm never sure... . 

[patientandclear]

If she's saying she's game to get her test results herself, good for her.  The very kindest thing you can do is act like YOU expect her to be able to handle it.  This is something people need to be strong enough to do for themselves, and if she for whatever reason due to a confluence of events, fight, etc. is at a point of trying it -- she'll discover she can survive it and that is terribly important.  If you care about her, do NOT stick yourself in any challenging task she has to face.

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that you are experiencing this, its a dammed if you do and dammed if you don't situation.

If you respect her wishes and go full NC, it may serve to confirm her abandonment fears. If you do contact her, it may serve to push her away. What to do?

I read a thread here a while back where someone took the approach of a, sort of, NC lite. The poster would send out occasional contacts, free of emotion, liking a post on FB, a card for their birthday, a text that says 'I've been thinking of you', etc... .This served to let their partner know that they have not abandoned them and gave them time to sort things out.

Interestingly, I also read in another thread and spoke to a few BPD's who mentioned that they were spitting angry that their ex never came running after them. Where one said that if they did, that they would have rejected them any way!

[barterbarter]

Thanks for the kind and thoughtful responses. I didn't contact which I think is the right thing to do because I know her well enough that either way I'd lose.

If I had contacted she would have been abusive and belittling; because I didn't, when/if we do end up speaking again she'll use this against me as an illustration of how I don't care.

What upsets me the most, and it's a reality I have to embrace, is that the Push/Pull dynamic will never end. The only way I could be in a successful relationship with her would be for me to intermittently neglect her or so it seems.

When I give her the love that she tries so hard to extract from me all it ever does is make her desire me less and cause her to pull away. To me, having to neglect someone in order to get them to respect and appreciate you seems to contradict the very notion of what a loving relationship should be about. Too bad she's the most intriguing and enthralling woman that I've ever met. Another one of life's cruel ironies I suppose.

So I'll stay no-contact, nurse the painful withdrawal of not being in touch and try to move on. Will continue to post and would encourage others to do the same, it is very therapeutic to know that others are experiencing the exact same dynamic all over the world... .   

[apollotech]

When I give her the love that she tries so hard to extract from me all it ever does is make her desire me less and cause her to pull away. To me, having to neglect someone in order to get them to respect and appreciate you seems to contradict the very notion of what a loving relationship should be about.

Hi barter,

I am sorry to hear that you have been caught in this unhealthy dynamic with your friend/gf. Kudos to you for standing behind your feelings/wants/needs and telling her that you want her as a gf and not simply as a friend. She may not be receptive to a romantic relationship with you; prepare yourself for that answer.

The push/pull dynamic is when a Non is being cycled through idealization (pull) and devaluation (push). If the fear of engulfment is triggered in a pwBPD that will generate a push response; they will "push" you away to relieve the engulfment. Opposite of that is the fear of abandonment. When fear of abandonment is triggered, a "pull" gesture is genetated. Needless to say, the push/pull dynamic is not healthy in any relationship.