Past BPD Relationship Causing Issues with current relationship - Need help

[Kyleeee]

Hey, I am new to these forums and I am hoping someone can either point me in the right direction or help me directly.

I was in a relationship with a girl who had BPD for over 4 years. I had to deal with it all - projection, constant accusations, lack of trust, abandonment issues, suicidal threats and attempts, impulsivity, vindictive behavior,  isolation from my friends and family, and I could go on and on. I was quite literally living in hell for two and a half years.

Last May I was able to "escape", which although extremely difficult at the time, in hindsight was the best thing I have ever done for myself. The problem is, I feel like I was damaged during the two and a half years of constant abuse I put up with.

I entered into a new relationship in January... .only 8 months after I had broken up with my BPD ex. For the record, I wasn't seeking a relationship, it just kind of happened as relationships often do. I met an amazing woman that is quite literally the complete opposite from my ex in almost every single way. She is trusting, caring, has great rationality and is very logical about almost every situation, loves my friends and family... .and I love hers. In fact, I get along so well with her friends that they will take me aside at times and tell me how much they hope we stay together and how great we are for each other. Humbling, to say the least... .

When I say I feel damaged, I mean I now see myself exhibiting some borderline behaviour towards my new girlfriend... .and I feel absolutely awful about it, especially since I know exactly what it feels like. She knows about my ex and the emotional trauma I went through, but I can't keep using it as an excuse for my behaviour towards her. I'm having a difficult time trusting her when she has been nothing but trustworthy in all of her actions. In fact, I should consider myself to be an exceptionally lucky guy... .and I do when I really sit down and think about it, but I feel like I've partially lost the ability to regulate my emotions.

Prior to my BPD ex I had no problems with being trustworthy in a relationship, or regulating my emotions. All of my relationships prior were by all means normal... .and I still have "friendship" relationships with some of them. I honestly feel like my BPD ex destroyed me in the worst possible way.

I am currently sabotaging the relationship I am in because I can't regulate my emotions the same way that I used to be able to. I am getting jealous when she wants to hang out with her friends (something by BPD ex did with me).

Unlike my BPD ex, I am able to take a step back and see the pain I am causing her. It pains me to  know that I am treating her how I was treated.

Is what I'm experiencing normal for someone who recently got out of a long term BPD relationship? Is it possible to heal?

Thanks

[Tomzxz]

Hello, and I think I am doing the same thing in my post cluster B relationship. My girlfriend is being treated for depression and anxiety.  In the beginning, my ex told me she was diagnosed but went untreated for depression and anxiety.  :)uring and after a messy breakup with her It would appear she is undiagnosed NPD, HPD and possibly a little BPD. I have some codependent traits so it was a loaded/abusive relationship that I don't wish to repeat.

With my girlfriend, I see she uses some push pull tests of love and some splitting episodes a few times a week that seem eerily similar to BPD. I just don't know if they are caused by her medications wearing off or if its just that she ruminates a lot. When she does I don't let it phase me, usually ignore it and just accept that she can leave the relationship any time she wants, I wont fight it.  She recognizes my indifference and it worries her and I can see where it looks like I don't empathize with her.  I do tend to her concerns and give her my attention but her thoughts continue to swirl like I didn't help at all.  I feel a little consumed by it so all I'm doing when I go cold is not allowing her drama control me. She says that I am insensitive or not being attentive to her needs and it sure makes me feel like an ass but I don't want to let her depression take control of my life.

I think we are both a little paranoid about being in another abusive relationship and we constantly go back and forth about needing to feel validated and understood.  We get into arguments that feel like we are breaking up and I quickly take down her pictures thinking its the end.  She or I or we both come around a few hours later and we apologize and I bring out the pictures again.  She noticed this and mentioned that she didn't understand how I could quickly discard the pictures.  

Personality disorders are hard to diagnose so maybe that is why she hasn't been formally diagnosed or maybe it is for other reasons such as insurance or stigma.  Either way, I find myself very intolerant of some of her splitting behavior. I feel like I am constantly guarding my boundaries (I actually had to tell her I was setting boundaries). I learned from living with my ex to not let things go and to immediately speak up when I feel a line has been crossed or my feelings have been hurt.  

I know BPD doesn't rub off on us but I think we are just highly attuned to and possibly overstate the presence of BPD like traits in our partners now and we are acting accordingly in defense. At least that is all I hope it is because I don't want to go through it again for real.  I do feel your pain because My GF is so much nicer than my ex and It feels like I could be sabotaging this relationship and missing out on something real good and frankly that is the root problem of BPD!

[Tomzxz]

Hello, and I think I am doing the same thing in my post cluster B relationship. My girlfriend is being treated for depression and anxiety.  In the beginning, my ex told me she was diagnosed but went untreated for depression and anxiety.  :)uring and after a messy breakup with her It would appear she is undiagnosed NPD, HPD and possibly a little BPD. I have some codependent traits so it was a loaded/abusive relationship that I don't wish to repeat.

With my girlfriend, I see she uses some push pull tests of love and some splitting episodes a few times a week that seem eerily similar to BPD. I just don't know if they are caused by her medications wearing off or if its just that she ruminates a lot. When she does I don't let it phase me, usually ignore it and just accept that she can leave the relationship any time she wants, I wont fight it.  She recognizes my indifference and it worries her and I can see where it looks like I don't empathize with her.  I do tend to her concerns and give her my attention but her thoughts continue to swirl like I didn't help at all.  I feel a little consumed by it so all I'm doing when I go cold is not allowing her drama control me. She says that I am insensitive or not being attentive to her needs and it sure makes me feel like an ass but I don't want to let her depression take control of my life.

I think we are both a little paranoid about being in another abusive relationship and we constantly go back and forth about needing to feel validated and understood.  We get into arguments that feel like we are breaking up and I quickly take down her pictures thinking its the end.  She or I or we both come around a few hours later and we apologize and I bring out the pictures again.  She noticed this and mentioned that she didn't understand how I could quickly discard the pictures.  Now it looks like I'm splitting or have feelings that lack depth.

Personality disorders are hard to diagnose so maybe that is why she hasn't been formally diagnosed or maybe it is for other reasons such as insurance or stigma.  Either way, I find myself very intolerant of some of her splitting behavior. I feel like I am constantly guarding my boundaries (I actually had to tell her I was setting boundaries). I learned from living with my ex to not let things go and to immediately speak up when I feel a line has been crossed or my feelings have been hurt.  

I know BPD doesn't rub off on us but I think we are just highly attuned to and possibly overstate the presence of BPD like traits in our partners now and we are acting accordingly in defense. At least that is all I hope it is because I don't want to go through it again for real.  I do feel your pain because My GF is so much nicer than my ex and It feels like I could be sabotaging this relationship and missing out on something real good and frankly that is the root problem of BPD!

[Kyleeee]

Just going to add a little more... .

In my past BPD relationship, everything started out fine. There were some pretty large "red flags", but not being familiar with the disorder, or any personility disorder for that matter, I simply did not take notice. It wasn't until about 2-1/2 years into the relationship that things started to "hit the fan" as they say. She started accusing me of cheating almost daily. I felt limited to what I could do with my friends because she would get angry at me if I wanted to have some alone time. She was constantly scoping out my phone and my social media accounts, and would even go as far as accusing me of cheating on her if I did something as simple as "liking" a status or picture on another girls wall.

My problem is at the start I felt that if I simply gave her more reassurance and attention, she would simply see how much I actually cared for her. I let her check my phone and social media any time she wanted because I had nothing to actually hide... .But the constant accusations became worse and worse. She even had access to my iCloud account so she could track where I was with the "Find my IPhone" app.

I put up with this behaviour for about a year... .But it wasn't until she started to become vindictive that I began to lash out. She started talking to other guys behind my back just to get back at me for the things she perceived I was doing. I began to get jealous, which as she admitted a few days before the final break up is exactly what she was trying to do. The "cheating" discussions became more and more frequent. She began to have paranoid thoughts about my family and friends hating me.

We began to argue more and more and with more and more intensity about the pettiest things. I recall one time I took her to get Pizza at her favourite place, which was in another town about 45 minutes away. I missed the turn off and she absolutely blew up at me. It was so confusing... .It took me about 5 minutes to get back to where we were going.

Towards the end of the relationship I was an unstable emotional wreck. I didn't feel the same as I did. My confidence was shattered, my emotional abilities were severely damaged. She was threatening me with suicide every time I even mentioned the possibility of maybe taking a break, and attempted suicide by taking too many sleeping pills twice. I began to feel like I was the "crazy" one. It wasn't until my mother got me a book on BPD relationships that I realized just how much of a victim I actually was.

Towards the end of the relationship some very heavy stuff came to light that gave me some perspective on how and why she had BPD. She suffered some severe sexual and physical abuse as a child, including being raped at knife point by her sisters boyfriend when she was 11. Also, although I had always been aware that her parents were negligent, I didn't really have an idea of just how bad it actually was. Apparently they used to leave her for days with her drug abusing older sister to punish her sister if they caught her with drugs... .who would in turn physically verbally and sexually abuse her to get back at her parents for forcing her to babysit. Awful awful stuff.

I however, had a very normal family life. My parents were both very involved, kind and loving. I had no tramatic experiences up to that point in my life, and all the relationships I had prior were pretty good... .If not great. For instance, I dated my ex before her for three years, barely had any arguments, and broke up mutually because we felt like we were at different stages of our lives/careers and were slowly growing apart.