Irrational jealousy of the replacement

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm still somewhat convinced that the new guy somehow knows how to act around her that will make their relationship fulfilling... .

disordered,

It's not about him acting correctly, it's about her having control of herself. I am not saying that they won't last, but I doubt if it'll be "fulfilling." Go read on the Staying Board a bit.

Lol I remember chatting with his ex (who he had contact with like 2 weeks before meeting my ex) and she told me... .he simply brings out the worst in me. I had a chuckle at that.

Seems like a perfect match now!

[disorderedsociety]

I'm still somewhat convinced that the new guy somehow knows how to act around her that will make their relationship fulfilling... .

disordered,

It's not about him acting correctly, it's about her having control of herself. I am not saying that they won't last, but I doubt if it'll be "fulfilling." Go read on the Staying Board a bit.

Lol I remember chatting with his ex (who he had contact with like 2 weeks before meeting my ex) and she told me... .he simply brings out the worst in me. I had a chuckle at that.

Seems like a perfect match now!

[Schermarhorn]

I talked to him. Instead of jealously, I just felt bad for him. He didn't see it coming.

[Circle]

I don't believe everything she said, and she was certainly projecting some of her traits on him (acts confident but totally insecure, all self worth comes from career, etc).

I like this line and the part about the career. Insightful.

[Pretty Woman]

No one likes to "lose". When we are replaced it feels like we lost... .that this new person is better than us.

What the H E L L are we losing? Think about it. We are only focused on the good stuff... .we are focused on this new person replaying our "brief and fleeting" good-times with our ex.

What about all the crap times?

It's hard at the beginning but we have to remember... .wasn't the beginning the best part of the relationship? That is the time where our exes are holding up those masks they haven't held up in months, years (however long we dated them). Their "arms" aren't tired yet. They are mirroring. It;s not "real"... .it's the fairytale bullshiz they fed us "once upon a time" (pun intended there)!

Rest assured "crazy" will surface at some point.

It's all about boundaries. Some people have stronger/weaker boundaries than us. Those with weak boundaries will put up with more shyt. Those with stronger will "bolt". I was getting stronger and not bending to her crapola anymore. She needed a weaker target.

Either way... .it's not your problem anymore. You need to be preparing for your next battles.  Mine returns when things don't work out.

She doesn't have that "option" anymore.


P.W.

[disorderedsociety]

No one likes to "lose". When we are replaced it feels like we lost... .that this new person is better than us.

What the H E L L are we losing? Think about it. We are only focused on the good stuff... .we are focused on this new person replaying our "brief and fleeting" good-times with our ex.

What about all the crap times?

It's hard at the beginning but we have to remember... .wasn't the beginning the best part of the relationship? That is the time where our exes are holding up those masks they haven't held up in months, years (however long we dated them). Their "arms" aren't tired yet. They are mirroring. It;s not "real"... .it's the fairytale bullshiz they fed us "once upon a time" (pun intended there)!

Rest assured "crazy" will surface at some point.

It's all about boundaries. Some people have stronger/weaker boundaries than us. Those with weak boundaries will put up with more shyt. Those with stronger will "bolt". I was getting stronger and not bending to her crapola anymore. She needed a weaker target.

Either way... .it's not your problem anymore. You need to be preparing for your next battles.  Mine returns when things don't work out.

She doesn't have that "option" anymore.


P.W.

That's so true. I remember hearing a song I liked when we were first hanging out and it brought back all kinds of feelings from then but she didn't say anything about the song until I was like wow I love this one, started mirroring loving feelings and gestures. When we were falling apart she always wanted to take trips back to the places we first hung out to try to get me to fall for anything I could.

Granted to say this new guy must have really really weak boundaries for her of all people to call him passive. And for him to knock her up a month in   he's gonna have a hell of a time trying to spend time with that child, if he even stays around that long.

In my lowest times I wish she'd get back in touch, I was even willing to overlook all the bs but, really? Am I that disrespectful of myself that I'd allow that to happen? Jeez.

[apollotech]

Mine returns when things don't work out.

She doesn't have that "option" anymore.

As PW stated, this is where you have to get to, a place where you're calling the plays instead of someone with a mental illness. The only way to exercise some control over the chaos is to gain control of yourself.

[Circle]

What the H E L L are we losing? Think about it. We are only focused on the good stuff... .we are focused on this new person replaying our "brief and fleeting" good-times with our ex.

What about all the crap times?

Hell Yeah! Good Points.

[Pretty Woman]

Keep in mind friends, BPD isn't a mental illness... .it is technically an emotional disorder. It's a core disorder. You can't regulate it with drugs. Drugs can help some of the co-morbidities but this is a PART of them. It's their character.

Try changing your character... .good luck with that!



Years of DBT therapy can help but we are talking YEARS. The longer is is untreated the more it is engrained into them. My ex is 43... .I think she is pretty darn resistant to a cure.

This is a sad disorder and I am not telling anyone to give up. We are on the leaving board and there is a staying board here as well. I don't discredit those folks.

I was never on the staying board because I ended up here each time she left me... ..  I never felt I had a choice in staying.

I found some really interesting things out the other day from an ex of my ex. During one of our breakups she was told by my ex that the ex was terrified I'd hurt her. That my mood swings were beyond bi-polar and I was insane.

I gotta tell you... .I needed to hear this. This relationship has really destroyed me in many ways. I work with my ex's sister and she thinks I am a loon. Now I can see why.These people of "bad character" will tell awful lies about you... .and they will ALWAYS find enablers to believe them.

It's like this... .a poster over the past few days wrote: A leopard never changes it's spots.

Keep that in mind. Your "replacement" is going to be lied to, cheated on and smeared just as you were. It's part of their pathology.

[SummerStorm]

Keep in mind friends, BPD isn't a mental illness... .it is technically an emotional disorder. It's a core disorder. You can't regulate it with drugs. Drugs can help some of the co-morbidities but this is a PART of them. It's their character.

Try changing your character... .good luck with that!



Years of DBT therapy can help but we are talking YEARS. The longer is is untreated the more it is engrained into them. My ex is 43... .I think she is pretty darn resistant to a cure.

So true.  And even DBT just helps them manage their symptoms.  There is no cure. 

This is something I keep telling myself.  There is no cure.  Mine is 22.  I'm almost 30.  Would I really want to wait around until my mid-30s or longer to be able to interact with her in a more positive manner? 

She hit rock bottom back in June but still discarded me and now acts like I'm this awful person who must not, under any circumstance, contact her.  I'm supposedly a major reason why she wants to get treatment, but I'll never get to know if she actually got treatment.  Great.  Makes me feel super important. 

The fact that she tells me she wants to get treatment screws with my mind so much.  I have to keep reminding myself that she isn't in treatment yet.  She is still the person who raged at me and discarded me back in June.  It's pointless to try to talk to her as if she is an adult. 

[Circle]

This is something I keep telling myself.  There is no cure.  Mine is 22.  I'm almost 30.  Would I really want to wait around until my mid-30s or longer to be able to interact with her in a more positive manner? 

I was in my 30's when I started seeing my person with BPD. Now I'm in my 40's. I am so thankful that I didn't erase an entire decade. There are some things I may look back on and regret. I really think that would be one of them. I just met up with an interesting person from a dating site the other day. They were so normal seeming. I'm looking forward to spending more time getting to know them. So glad that my person with BPD no longer has total command over me. Seeing a counselor definitely helps out also. Keep on fighting SummerStorm! Don't let this punk get the best of you. See them for what they are.

[Pretty Woman]

I run a social group with 400 members in it. Everyday I thank god for my social calendar that's why I encourage everyone to be social and have interests, don't give them up in these relationships.

My ex met me in this group and over various breakups used to tell me breaking up with me was "social suicide". I know everyone from planning events... .the local restaurant manager to the minor league baseball coach (host baseball outings). I keep busy which again triggers their god damned abandonment fears. Sorry for the language there.

Many of the "friends" my ex has here are MY friends. They've witnessed the hell I've been through and recently a ton of them have defected from my exes FB page.

People were besides themselves witnessing all these lovey dovey posts about how amazing her girlfriend is... .when they just attended a huge birthday bash I held in her honor two months ago.

For days she has been angrily posting about people not being her friend. Not being happy she is in love. She can't see how ridiculous she looks. Before the trip we were supposed to take to Mexico a friend of ours hosted a get together... .she was moving to another state. I kindly declined and told my friend of the break up. Minutes later my ex RSVPd knowing I would be on this trip. She then proceeded to take this woman to the party!

My friends were mortified. For one, they knew her as my girlfriend not their friend really (I was more the friend) and here she is with this person they never met being lovey dovey. It was so uncomfortable to them and they were extremely turned off.

I am glad I had been vocal when my ex started doing weird things... .before I even knew what BPD was. It helped to take her mask off when she finally discarded me like this.  People really see her for who she is now.

[Circle]

I am glad I had been vocal when my ex started doing weird things... .before I even knew what BPD was. It helped to take her mask off when she finally discarded me like this.  People really see her for who she is now.

Yes, they do some STRANGE things! I don't think it takes people too long to figure out how it all fits together. I mean, when you hear someone screaming at another person for example; at first you might think the person being screamed at did something wrong. After a while though, you keep hearing this person screaming at others all the time; it's not too complicated.